Greetings, everyone. Today, I would like to post about bullied girls and how they may sometimes turn to men and go on “sexcapades” as a means of obtaining acceptance. I say this because during school, I myself leaned on men and sex for comfort. Having boyfriend or sex-partner can feel like such a welcome change when you are a bullied young girl- like a soft pillow to land on when you fall. Dating and sex can be used as a way for the bullied female to rebut the negative messages sent by her bullies and as assurance that she is worthy of being loved. These girls look to these men to rescue them…seeing them as their refuge from what can seem like a cold, cruel world that hates them.
Looking back now, I cannot stress enough how unhealthy this is. Therefore, without further adieu, here is another excerpt from Chapter 10 of my book, “From Victim to Victor” which will give a more in-depth explanation of why these girls do this, why I did it and why this is so unhealthy. Wishing you all a very happy Sunday!
“Females are naturally geared toward nurturing and maintaining relationships; friendships, family, and romantic relationships. With teenage girls, although family relationships are still important, it is mostly about having close relationships with friends and romantic relationships with boys.
Therefore, if a young girl is not getting those wants and needs met through her peers or family, more often than not, if she is determined enough, she will get those needs met elsewhere. When a girl is bullied, she will often turn to grown MEN to get the acceptance that she craves. Sad to say, I was no exception to that. In my case, these young post-high school aged men did not know that my reputation at school had been destroyed and had not heard the falsehoods and rumors tied to my name and I knew that. They were a way for me to skirt around my ruined reputation at school and still have opportunities to date. Yes. I had to be cunning and calculating in order to attain what most others seemed to come by easily and effortlessly. I was constantly thinking up sneaky ways to get around the labels which were unjustly stuck to me by my bullies. I never considered my situation completely hopeless. Most of the time, I managed to think and think hard, eventually seeing some way around my circumstances. And in most situations it worked, although being ever so carefully calculating would get very exhausting at times.
No true friends at school? No problem. Just put your best foot forward, impress and befriend kids from other towns. No boyfriend at school? No big deal. Just date and/or sleep with the men in the college age range. Piece of cake! Suspended from your school bus and afraid Mommy will find out? Easy. Just ride another school bus and act like everything is hunky dory.
I was never crazy about having to connive and scheme to get anything I wanted from this world and would have preferred to get it without having to resort to such drastic measures. However, I felt that it was the only way I could keep myself safe, cover my behind and get my wants and desires fulfilled…to act sweet, innocent and sexy…to manipulate people and circumstances…to sneak around…to deceive…to beguile…to cut corners…and do it with stealth and careful precision. Yes, there were times I got caught but there were twice as many times I did not get caught. And when I did get caught, I would just get even better at it the next time as I always learned what to avoid. Anytime I got caught, it did not stop me but only made me even sneakier and more cunning.
So I want you to know this: Teenage girls can and will if given the opportunity, turn to dating and/or sleeping with young men who are already out of school when they feel their peers hate them. Remember that these girls are lonely, beaten down, and seek refuge in these men. They look for these men to rescue them. Furthermore, it can not only be a way to one up the girls that mistreat them, but also a way to put a bandage on the hurt and feelings of loneliness resulting from bullying. It is a way to feel special, wanted, sexy and beautiful. And it works, if only temporarily.
However, it is a very dangerous way to handle the loneliness of being bullied and having no friends and it also breeds male dependency.
Male dependency is never good because the girl affected by it comes to believe that if she is not half of a couple, she is nothing and this kind of thinking is unhealthy.
It is a mindset which sprouts desperation and there is absolutely no dignity in being desperate for a partner. A girl should never rely on a man or relationship as the end all be all. Do NOT look outside of yourself for happiness…ever! Always remember that men come and go and if you continue to depend on them to be happy and to feel worthy of love, you are in for a huge disappointment. Anytime a girl looks solely to a man to validate her, she does not know her own worth as a young woman. Men can see this and they are all too often either repelled by it, or they see her as someone they can use and degrade.
A predatory man of low integrity will hang around as long as it takes to get what he wants from her. Then when he has bled her dry of dignity (and resources) and becomes ready to break off the relationship, there is a chance that she will be totally devastated. A break up should not be devastating. Should it be sad and difficult? Yes. This is perfectly normal as the end of a relationship is never easy. But it should never be devastating.
Also, men of quality and integrity do not want a girlfriend whom they have to “fix” and/or “rescue” and they will flee…FAST!
Always love yourself first and foremost. Love should come from within and never from any source outside of yourself. A relationship does not complete you and just because a man has sex with you does not mean that he loves you, so don’t be fooled.
Love yourself and all of your imperfections, for we are all “perfectly flawed”. Accept yourself and respect yourself. You do not have to do anything that you do not want to do in order to be accepted and make someone love you. If a person does not want to see you for the beautiful person that you are, you cannot make them. However, you do have the choice of whether or not to keep them in your life.
Always remember that you teach people how to treat you. And how do you teach them this? By how well you treat yourself…by what you will and will not put up with…by the boundaries that you set.
To put it plainly, you can either allow unsavory people into your life, letting them abuse and degrade you or you can put your foot down, call them on their unacceptable behavior, and give them the old heave ho. You decide. And the proof is in the doing, not the saying.
With most people, you can verbally express your displeasure of their bad behavior all day long and if you do not back it up with some action, it is not going to make a difference to them. Talk is cheap and people know when you are bluffing.
Verbally call them out if it makes you feel better. But if talking does not work, then stop hanging around with them and start avoiding them. Regard them with indifference. Remove yourself from their element if you can do so. Have no more to do with them and pick better friends. Believe me, they will get the hint and you will be much happier.
With bullies however, this may or may not change their behavior toward you and worst case scenario, might even make it worse. However, you are not looking to change anyone’s attitude, you are looking to take care of yourself and to achieve your own peace and happiness. It is not about changing them, it’s about looking out for yourself and keeping your dignity and self-respect. It’s about taking appropriate measures to make YOU feel good.
Always be true to yourself. It does not matter how ‘cool’ a person may seem or how many friends that person has. If said person says or does anything to make you feel less than, it is time to drop him/her from your life and surround yourself with people who value you and lift you up. Never stay around anyone who does not see your worth. Get your butt up and walk away from those poisonous people and do it FAST! Your self-esteem will thank you for it. I promise you.”