Females are hardwired to nurture, maintain, and enjoy relationships, whether they be friendships, family, or romantic relationships. With teenage girls, although family relationships are still meaningful, it is mostly about having close relationships with friends and romantic relationships with boys. Therefore, if a young girl is not getting those wants and needs met through her peers at school or family at home, she may try a different route to meet her needs.
Sadly, some girls, particularly those who are targets of bullies, think that having a boyfriend makes up for the lack of friends and positive relationships at school. I say this because, unfortunately, I was one of those girls with the same mindset. I leaned on dating and romance for comfort.
At the time, being in a romantic relationship felt like such a welcome change, like a soft pillow to land on during a fall. It seemed to buffer my self-esteem from the attacks and take the sting out of the torment I endured. Having boyfriends and suitors gave me a much-needed rebuttal to the daily degradation and humiliation brought on by classmates and a few sadistic teachers. It assured me that I was a great person and worthy of being loved. Male attention was a testament to my beauty and confirmation of my value as a young woman.
I looked to these guys to rescue me. They were my refuge from a cold, cruel world that hated me. Looking back now, I realize how needy I was back then. Around young guys who didn’t know me from school, I acted like a totally different person. I smiled, batted my eyelashes, and flirted my behind off to get their attention.
During school, because I had no friends, I turned to grown men to get the acceptance I wasn’t getting at school, from people my age. Although I was a gorgeous girl to look upon, bullies and their followers had destroyed my once-good name and with it, any prospects for dating and love. But by dating guys who were already out of high school, I was able to get around my trashed reputation and have opportunities for romance. These college-aged men had never met me, nor were they aware of the falsehoods and labels tied to my name.
I’m ashamed to say that, back then, I felt that my good looks and feminine wiles were the only things I had going for me and often used them to get what I wanted. I thought I had to use trickery and charm to attain what most others seemed to come by easily and effortlessly.
I want you to understand that when a person is beaten down for so long, they grow afraid to ask for or pursue their wants and needs the right way. As a result, manipulation and deceit become a way of survival. Realize that this is a person who doesn’t need judgment; they get enough of that already. What they need is help.
For bullied girls, partners are a proverbial band-aid to their feelings of hurt and inadequacy that come with the onslaught of bullies. Sexual partners and activity are a means to feel loved, wanted, sexy and beautiful. And it works, if only temporarily. However, this is dangerous because it can easily lead to co-dependency. Relying on a dating partner for confirmation of worth is never good because the girl eventually comes to believe that if she is not half of a couple, she is nothing and this kind of thinking is wrong.
This mindset only sprouts desperation, and there is no dignity in being desperate for a partner. A girl should never see a romantic relationship as the end all be all. She should never look outside of herself for happiness. Men come and go, and if she continues to depend solely on them for her fulfillment, she will be in for a huge disappointment.
When a girl looks solely to a partner to validate her, it’s a sign that she doesn’t know her worth as a young lady. Potential dates can sense this, and are either repelled or see her as someone they can use and degrade. She risks attracting a predatory partner of low integrity, one who will hang around as long as it takes to get what he wants from her before dumping her and leaving her devastated. Also, people of quality and integrity do not want a girlfriend they have to fix or rescue, and if they sniff out the slightest bit of neediness, they will disappear, and fast!
If you are a bullied girl, I can’t stress enough how important it is to fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with anyone else. Love should come from within and never from the outside. A relationship doesn’t complete you, and just because a man has sex with you doesn’t mean that he loves you.
You are just as beautiful without a partner as you are with one. Just because you’re dateless doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Single doesn’t mean defective.
In the meantime, do plenty of deep soul searching and make positive affirmations daily. Count all your good qualities, talents, and gifts. Continuously remind yourself that you have value, and soon, you’ll start to believe it with your whole heart.
Be patient. Know that the right person will come into your life when you least expect it, and you aren’t looking for them. And when they do, they’ll be well worth the wait.