Archive | October 2017

When Your Reputation Has Been Ruined by Bullies, You May Have More Enemies Than You Know!

Here’s something I’m sure almost no one has thought of…that Bullying often has somewhat of a trickle-down effect on victims. What I mean by trickle-down effect is this:
The target has a bully or bullies who harass her to get a reaction. They trash-talk her, name-call her, basically run her down to her face and to others. The victim simply ignores the bullies. However, when the name calling and trash talking fails to give the bullies the desired reaction, they turn it up a notch by shoving. When shoving produces no desired results, the bullies soon get physical and began to kick, punch, or knock the victim down, or pull her hair and either make her cry or prompt the target to snap and fight back.

The bullies then use the crying, snapping or fighting back as proof that the target is weak, crazy, evil…take your pick. Next, the bullies embellish the story of the victim’s weakness, craziness or evilness by adding to the story to make it sound more believable and interesting. They make the victim sound even worse until they have finally succeeded in ruining the target’s reputation.

I’ll say again…Bullies harass a victim to the breaking point. They next use the victims breakdown as evidence that they are weak, evil or mentally unbalanced (Note that “mentally unbalanced” is the favorite claim of most bullies).

They go on to tell members of their families and everyone they come in contact with what a pathetic and despicable person the victim is, offering up the victim’s perfectly normal reaction as evidence. Some bullies will even go so far as to tell strangers on the street.

As word spreads, total strangers, people the victim doesn’t know (and whom don’t even know the victim) began to judge her…before having the chance to even meet her!

This is a very dangerous situation for the victim because she now has enemies, whom she doesn’t even know exist! How can she protect herself when she doesn’t even know who’s gunning for her? I know about this because it happened to me when I was young. You feel as if you’re walking blind and any moment, someone could attack and severely harm you and you wouldn’t even see it coming! You stay home, afraid to go to school, afraid to drive a car through town, afraid to walk your dog through the neighborhood,afraid to go out with your friends, afraid to go for a walk in the park or to the local swimming pool, afraid to go to the grocery store for your grandmother…afraid to be seen alone in town because you know that at any moment, you could be injured or even killed! I can tell you that it’s a very frightening situation to be in and one I wouldn’t wish on anyone!

Point! Victims have more to worry about then anyone realizes. If someone is being mistreated, instead of judging them and justifying it, ask questions. Watch and see if the person in question isn’t really a victim instead of the antagonist!

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Catch 22: Female Bully v/s Male Victim

I would like to address a situation, which almost no one talks about and is too often ignored- female bullying against male victims and why society gives male victims a bum rap.

I cannot count the stories I’ve both read and heard about males being harassed and abused by vicious females…boys and young men, who are, under normal circumstances, kind and caring but only pushed too far by their female tormentors before they finally have enough and strike back to defend themselves.

Unfortunately, after having been bullied for so long, the pressure builds to a breaking point. The poor guy finally decides that enough is enough and hits the girl back after she hits him first. As a result, HE gets the blame simply because he is a male.

Because the girl knows very well that society protects females due to the still widely-held belief that females are the weaker sex, she uses it to her own advantage by playing the “woman card” and feigning victimhood- complete with crocodile tears, rationalization and projecting blame onto her victim. The conniving and cunning female also deceives by acting sweet and innocent in the presence of the right people. She is silver-tongued. Therefore, she is a pro at spinning a convincing story to deceive authority while demonizing her victim…all to avoid being held responsible.

Although the poor victim is actually a great guy with good morals, values and ethics; to bystanders and authority, he is just another punk, who goes around beating up on girls/women. He ends up either being suspended/expelled from school, or arrested and charged as a criminal, while his female bully looks on with a smirk of gratification on her face. She then escapes punishment and goes on to select yet another male victim. Thus, the cycle continues.

If the young man didn’t hit her back, but only restrained her to protect himself, he would still be dehumanized and punished because he simply laid hands on her. Yes. You read this correctly…if someone physically attacks you and you restrain them, you can STILL go to jail as if you delivered the first punch because your hands were touching the person. It is impossible to restrain anyone without touching them.

This is just a sad example of how completely backwards school rules and the laws in this country really are.

Here’s a second catch 22:

A young man is being bullied relentlessly at school by a girl or group of girls. The girl(s)harass this boy for a number of years and during this time, the other boys also laugh and make fun of him because he is the bigger person and walks away instead of fighting back. They feminize him by calling him names, such as “wuss”, “wimp”, “pussy”, “bitch-boy” and other names which attack the male pride and strip away any masculinity.

The poor guy then reports the bullying only to be told to “man up” or “toughen up” and the boys only further shame him for being a “whiner”, “crybaby” or “tattle tale”.

Then, the young boy finally gets sick of the mistreatment and he snaps on one of the girls, battering her until her lip and nose are bleeding. Now, all hell breaks loose! The victim goes from being seen as a wimp to being seen as a little punk who gets his jollies by beating up on females. He is suspended, expelled, or arrested for assault and battery. Also, the boys now want to jump him because he hit a girl. The poor young man, although a victim, is now marginalized by the system, which is supposed to protect him.

So what other recourse does a victim have after having tried everything to protect himself and make the harassment stop?

My purpose is to open a few eyes and let society know that boys DO get bullied by girls…that more and more men DO get bullied by women. I believe this is because females are more prone to violence today than ever before in history, due to the significant moral decline of girls, which has taken place in the last 30 years.

However, understand that this article does not apply to male bullies, who DO go around physically or psychologically harming females but only to innocent male victims, who only want to be left in peace and live a normal life like everyone else.

If two men are at odds with each other and they resort to fisticuffs, they usually end up later patching things up, then going somewhere to have a beer together. Not so with women. If two women get into an altercation, chances are that they will not let go of their hatred of each other. A woman is like a dog with a bone. She will cling tightly to her grudge against her rival until the heavens come crashing down.

In closing, I will tell you that women are not always the weaker sex. I’m a woman myself and I know first hand that when it comes to evil, woman and girls can be the meanest, most disgusting, most relentless, most deplorable and most vicious of the sexes! In most cases of bullying and harassment by the opposite sex, victims who are male get a bum rap! This has to be brought to light!

It’s high time that we wise up, rip the fake mask off these vicious shrews and expose their misdeeds to as many people as possible in order to decrease the chances of other innocent men and boys becoming victims in the future.

This entry was posted on October 23, 2017. 2 Comments

Confidence Is Key

You can have all the determination in the world and work like a dog but without confidence, you are just spinning your wheels. Because determination without it equals desperation and desperation comes from a spirit of lack.

When one is unsure and insecure, it is a proven fact that this person will not perform as well at school or work. Confidence equals great performance, equals success, equals even MORE CONFIDENCE than before!

A winning attitude is key to having success in any area of life. Having faith in yourself can also get you through tough times. One of my favorite speakers is Zig Ziglar and he talks about “Stinkin Thinkin” and the damage it can do to self esteem. So turn this “stinkin thinkin” into thoughts of success, gratitude, and happiness and watch every area in your life take a turn for the better…like magic!

However, once confidence is achieved, it must be maintained. There will be failures but remember. Failure is the predecessor of success. You will always make mistakes. No one is perfect nor all knowing. Instead of beating yourself up over some error you made, look for the lesson that this error was meant to teach you. Also, search for the positive in the mistake.

When someone tells you that you can’t, pay them no mind. Others can steal your morale if you let them. It is not easy to be yourself and stay sure when surrounded by others, who either constantly hurl jabs and insults your way, or who just do not believe you can be successful. However, you must hold on to your confidence even if you have to give yourself pep talks several times daily. Adverse things will happen, people will hurt you, it is just a part of life. To feel hurt, anger, or sadness is normal and expected when something negative happens. As I said in my last post, there will be times in life when you will not feel confident. Adversity will happen and throw you off kilter. The difference is that when you have confidence, you will bounce back more quickly and are less likely to dwell in an awful place.

Having been bullied during my tweens and teens, I once was very insecure and had a horribly negative outlook. It took a lot of reprogramming in order to take back my confidence. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. It is easy to change certain things about yourself but changing your thought patterns, especially after you have been conditioned to think a certain way, is one of the hardest feats to accomplish and most certainly does not happen overnight. Negative thought patterns can take years to change completely.

However, once you start, little by little, you will see a positive difference in not only your outlook, but also the circumstances that come into your life. You will begin to feel confident and the more confidence you have, the more momentum you will have behind it.

Always keep that momentum going and you will be on the right path for the rest of your life. With confidence and a winning smile and attitude, you can achieve beyond your wildest dreams!

God commands the Universe to always give you what you ask for. Through our thought patterns, we unconsciously ask for what we get, good or bad. By sending a certain vibe out you always get the same in return. If you are negative, you are unwittingly asking for more negativity to come into your life. But if you are positive, confident, happy and at peace then you are asking for more of the same and it shall be given. So keep showing your pearly whites and smile from the heart! I once heard Zig Ziglar talk about a spirit of gratitude. Counting your blessings and being thankful are the fastest ways to turn any negative into a positive and with it comes confidence. He was right!

Bullying/Crimes Against Anyone with Autism/Asperger’s/Special Needs Should be Considered a Hate Crime!

Good morning, everyone. For months, I’ve wanted to speak out about people on the Autism Spectrum and the extreme high rates of victimization and bullying they endure on a daily basis. It’s bad enough that they must go through life struggling with a disability that they neither asked for, nor have any control over. It’s even worse that they also struggle with constant cruelty from people in the general population because of that disability.

“A new study finds that children with autism spectrum disorders are bullied for more often than their typically developing peers.” (healthland.time.com)

According to Time Magazine (the above link), 46% of children on the spectrum reported being bullied compared to only 10% of neurotypical kids. And the statistics are estimated to be even higher due to the fact that most people on the spectrum do not recognize the subtler types of bullying because of their inability to read social cues. No one can report anything they do not know is occurring.

Because people with these disorders have difficulty reading social cues, have repetitive behaviors, and tend to be highly sensitive to external stimuli, bullies easily zero in on their perceived weaknesses and see them as easy prey who are ripe for harassment and degradation.
Bullies target them because of their extreme vulnerability and inability to assert themselves and to fight back. In the minds of bullies, people with special needs are easy prey.

Bullies get off on the power they wield over their special needs victims because they consciously know they can torment them endlessly and with impunity. They also know that chances are that no one will stop the abuse, nor speak out for the victim because the sad reality is that most others do not see those who have special needs as “human”. Therefore, bullies take full advantage of this.

Anyone who intentionally targets a person with special needs is, in my opinion, a coward of the lowest common denominator. Too afraid to go toe to toe with someone of their equal, they seek out victims, who are unable to speak for or defend themselves. Talk about despicable!

Every day, people who are mentally handicapped, have Autism/Asperger’s are accosted, taunted, physically attacked, or even murdered because they are considered easy targets and laws must be firmly put in place to protect these people, who are unable to protect themselves. Any crime against people in the above categories should be considered a hate crime because of the high vulnerability and severe disadvantage compared to regular, everyday people.

It’s still discrimination, any way you look at it and just as horrible as bullying someone due to age, sex, race or orientation. In fact, it’s WORSE because most people in the other four groups at least have the facilities to speak for and defend themselves! People with special needs do not! This is why we MUST make those with special needs a protected group!

These people are already fighting a very tough and likely, lifelong battle. Why then do those who are more fortunate wish to make their lives much more difficult than they already are?

This entry was posted on October 18, 2017. 2 Comments

Sometimes, Taking Care of Yourself Means Making Some Very Hard (even Heartbreaking) Decisions

Once you choose not to be a target anymore, you must realize that you may have to make very tough, even heartbreaking decisions. You will more than likely have to weed certain people out of your life for good and sadly, some of those people may even be people that you love very much. You can still love them, ‘nothing wrong with that. However, as much as you may love them, they are not always healthy for you to be around.

It was a decision that I had to make with a family member twenty years ago and again seven years ago. And let me tell you, it was a very painful decision. And when we stopped talking, I missed my family member. No, worse. I mourned the person deeply. Even after all the cutting remarks they had made toward myself and a few others I loved, I still mourned them. It was akin to having a death in the family.

For two years, we did not speak to one another and we were not welcome in each others’ homes. During those two years, from time to time, I would pass this person by in the supermarket, the gas station, or on the road somewhere while driving. No “Hi. How are you?”. No honk and wave. Nothing. We would both just turn our heads and go on about our business. And I would feel my heart sink into my stomach and fight back tears, knowing that there was a possibility that we would never speak again.

There was always that dreadful “Could I have done something different” feeling which always seemed to rear it’s ugly head. Feelings of guilt would emerge even in the midst of knowing I had done the best that I possibly could.

Many of you may be going through something similar but do not lose heart. Your relationship with your estranged loved one is still repairable. I am blessed to be able to say that this story has a very happy ending to it.

After another family member had gotten sick, I received a call from my loved one and we reconciled, apologized and forgave one another. After the reconciliation, I made sure that I was there to lend a helping hand in taking care of our sick family member and we became close again.

Now, we are closer than EVER! We visit each other, we talk on the phone and we never hesitate to tell each other how much we love one another. From this, I learned a very powerful lesson. That lesson is this: Sometimes, it takes a separation to bring people even closer. Walking away, although painful when it happens, may actually be a great thing and produce awesome results later on. Anytime you walk away, your value and the other person’s value often goes up and in time, you both learn to respect one another. Then you love each other even more than you did before.

The Importance of Self-Acceptance

Anyone who has ever been bullied will tell you that it sometimes takes years to overcome the after affects, get completely comfortable with yourself and find happiness.

Because of the torment I suffered at school, I was a shy person for years and my shyness peaked during my childbearing years. I would not speak to anyone unless they spoke to me first, out of fear that I would say something wrong. I didn’t like myself because I felt that I was somehow different…that God had put a mark on me like Cain. I felt that I didn’t quite measure up. And this was during my early 20s when I was just beginning to discover who I was and what I really wanted out of life.

Throughout junior high and high school, I was bullied so much that I was blinded to my own feminine beauty (I was a very beautiful young girl). I also did not feel free to express myself and most importantly, get to know myself.

Being in a toxic environment or around toxic people can block you from opportunities, blind you to your own inner and outer beauty, diminish the ability to use talents and natural abilities, prevent you from having your own opinions and feelings and from accepting and being yourself when you are young and haven’t been in the world long enough to know the difference.

When I finally left that toxic, poisonous, downright dangerous environment that was my old school and transferred to a new high school, I felt like a bird out of a cage…like I had just been given a full pardon and released from prison.

From that day forward, I could finally begin working on getting to know ME and I was put on the road to self discovery. However, that road proved to be a long one.

During my mid to late 20’s I became hungry for self betterment. I slowly began trying new things and confronting my fears and shyness HEAD ON by actually doing the things I feared most! I discovered talents and abilities I never thought I had and could express myself and my wants and needs without ridicule.

Like magic, new opportunities and better situations began opening up to me. It was like the floodgates of heaven had suddenly opened and I was washed away in a river of blessing.

But it took years to get through the anger, the sadness, the shyness, the defensiveness and being closed up and guarded before I was finally able to totally and completely accept who I was as a woman. And when I finally accepted myself, which meant accepting the good, the bad, and the ugly qualities, I found a peace and happiness I never thought possible.

Am I perfect? No. Do I try to be? Nope. I accept all characteristics of me. I know my good traits: that I have a good heart, that I have compassion and empathy for others, that I am outgoing and confident, that I like to have fun, that I love to sing, dance and write novels. Am I proud of that? YES! YES! YESSSS!!!

I also know my bad traits and I embrace them.

I accept that I am sometimes forgetful.

I also accept that I no longer have the perfect body after having had children. I am comfortable in my own skin.

I also prefer Tee shirts, jeans, and sneakers over fancy dresses and high heels (which I only wear when an occasion calls for it). Do I like this about myself? ABSOLUTELY!

What I want is for you to completely accept yourself because it is a stepping stone to happiness. When you accept yourself as you are, quirks and all, and stop being so concerned about how you are seen by others, you actually FREE yourself from that ball and chain called self consciousness. It is like a huge weight being lifted off of you.

Also, you become much more attractive to people and they are drawn to you like a magnet. And the individuals who are waiting for you to mess up actually get bored, give up and stop watching you. I know this from experience. Acceptance of self (all aspects) is such sweet freedom!

No one likes to be around a self conscious and insecure victim. I’ll say it again:
No. One. Likes. A. Victim!

So I want you to make a brand new start today and begin your new life by accepting who you are. Count your blessings, your friends, your family, and your chance opportunities. Anything positive that is happening OR has happened in your life is a blessing. This is where you start. Start by counting blessings. Take a pen and piece of paper and write down each blessing and I guarantee you will be on your way!

I wonder how many people can actually list all of their blessings without running out of paper and/or ink. I know I couldn’t.

A Message to My Former School Bullies

Who hasn’t made lots of mistakes and poor choices in their youth? However, the difference between me and you is that I’m woman enough to admit my past BS and I don’t tuck my tail between my legs and run from it, nor do I highlight the mistakes of others just to cover my own.

The difference between me and you is that instead of burying my past, I use it as my motivation to reach out to the victims of today, whom are stuck in a toxic learning environment and forced to tolerate people like you.

The difference between me and you is that I no longer feel the need to put on a fake persona…to break my back to be someone I’m not. Because unlike many of you, I’m secure in myself as both a person and as a woman, and fully aware of the good I bring to this world, the good I’m capable of, the successes I can enjoy and the positive impact I can make in the lives of others. And unlike you, I give myself the freedom to be myself, no matter who may or may not like it.

The difference between me and you is that I succeed by the grace of God and by my own merit. I don’t rely on small-town politics, nepotism and outright lies or half-truths to get along in life.

The difference between me and you is that my life isn’t all about appearances, whom I can impress, now many friends I have nor how well I can keep up with the Jones’s.

The difference between me and you is that most of you would never have survived had the shoe been on the other foot. I did survive. Better yet, through your despicable treatment of me, I became stronger and wiser. So you were right about one thing…I was and still am different from you.

You see? The beauty of getting older is the realization that I never needed approval nor validation from any of you. You only brainwashed me into believing I did. I realize that not all of you are guilty of bullying, nor are some of you the same sniveling punks you were in school. Therefore, this article doesn’t apply to everyone in this class. You know who you are.

I no longer care what any of you think, say nor do I respond to any threats of retaliation for my daring to speak out. Why, you may wonder? Because I see it all for what it truly is- a load of empty threats and useless rhetoric.

So go ahead. Get your feelings hurt, hate all you want, make all the threats, lie, gossip, spin it anyway you like. Get mad, get glad, do whatever moves you. But you will never silence me. I will continue to stand by everything I’ve written and in my own truth.

Because we all know that anything you say against me and anything I’ve written is only a weak and pathetic attempt to save face. Anyone outside of this class and outside of high school knows that I’m a great person with a good heart and good head on my shoulders and that’s enough.

Every person is a roller-coaster composed of highs and lows, stops and starts and positives/negatives. We’re so much more than our negatives. So I was never “crazy” (I’m sure you knew it all along but refuse to admit it). Did I have my crazy moments? Absolutely. And I don’t have to tell you who I have to thank for it.

In conclusion, I now see that you only used me to make yourselves feel, look and seem better than you really were. To put it bluntly, you hid behind me…but that’s where you belonged in the first place…BEHIND me.

And now, I get to use you as fuel to my success and to reach out to those whom suffer the same horrific treatment you dished out to me years ago! Sorry! OOPS! Not sorry!