So far, I’ve been lucky. But I feel for the bloggers who’ve dealt with this problem and just in case I’m next, I’ll gladly reblog this! Thank you, M, for the heads up!
I get disgusted when people judge victims of bullying after they reach the breaking point and resort to suicide. I read heartbreaking stories of family members who hear all kinds of cruel remarks.
I’ve even heard a few myself when a local kid dies because of the cruelty of bullies and I wanted to slap the person pointing the finger. Here are a few sickening comments I’ve read or heard:
“That was so cowardly!” or “She was such a coward!”
Right! A person running through the woods from a wild boar would look like a coward to someone sitting safely in a tree.
“Why didn’t he tell anyone? He always kept to himself!”
Of course! Just as an AIDS patient keeps his diagnosis to himself.
“But he was so quiet!”
Still waters run deep.
Anytime someone is bullied, they are in the fight of their life. Unless you’ve endured it, you have no idea what if can do to you. You cannot even comprehend how it changes you or the intense fear it instills. You can’t fathom how it destroys any future prospects of friendships, relationships, even opportunities for jobs or a college education. Bullying can negatively alter your entire future. And a family who has lost a loved one to suicide is forever devastated.
They will search for answers to questions that will never be answered and long for justice they may never see. When a loved one commits suicide, there is never any closure, only day to day coping. And it’s a terrible way to live. These families do not need your judgement piled on top of everything else they must go through.
What they need is your compassion and a shoulder to lean on. They need the freedom to keep their loved one’s memory alive and to remember the person at their best.
As we all know, bullying has very negative consequences for the victim. Most targets of bullying do not start with low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Instead, they only develop those terrible characteristics over the course of the bullying.
Many times, targets go from being well-mannered, highly confident and good-hearted students who perform well and earn excellent grades, to becoming poor students with shattered self-esteem and bad attitudes who perform poorly. The excellent grades they once received take a nosedive, and before you know it, the straight A’s these kids started out making are now C’s, D’s, or worse! Understand that in children and teens, whose brains are still developing, these life-altering changes can happen in a very short time.
Bullies assert power and control through abusive measures- verbal abuse, such as name-calling, curse-outs and threats, smear campaigns to keep the target isolated and from making any new friends, brutal physical beatings, humiliation, baiting the victim to react and get into trouble with school staff, and much, much more. These tactics are all designed to keep the target down and instill fear into the target, and once the bullies reach these goals, the victim is trapped.
So often, bullies bully and harass these poor kids to the point of losing faith and confidence in themselves, and a condition known as Learned Helplessness takes hold. In short, the target gives up and stops trying. In essence, the victim becomes what the bullies want them to be. They become the villain instead of the victim.
Bullies are often popular and have connections in the school and the town. They are mostly academic high-achievers, jocks, cheerleaders, members of clubs and extra-curricular functions, and those who are favored by teachers and school staff. They target those who are different- kids who stand out, who are a threat to their positions in the social hierarchy, who are exceptionally talented (more talented then the bullies are), who are good kids with hearts of gold, and who are physically smaller and weaker.
And because of the popularity of these bullies, the target is least likely to be believed if they report the abuse and receive support. Popularity itself can be a weapon of against the victim and a shield against accountability for the bullies. It can also intimidate and silence targets.
“This person is so popular and well-liked. Who’s going to believe me if I talk about how she beats and torments me every day?”
Bullying damages kids in all areas of life, and we must learn to recognize the signs if we want to save these young people from a life of adversity and eventual suicide. Only then will we be able to help these children get back their confidence, change directions, and lead them back toward more rewarding and happy lives.
Wishing you much peace, love and happiness this holiday season and in the new year!
When I was a child and growing up, we were blessed! When I look back on past Christmases, I think of how my parents, baby brother and I used to travel home for Christmas from wherever Dad, a soldier in the Army, was stationed. We would all gather at Uma’s or Grandmas. Sometimes we would celebrate the holidays at one grandmother’s house and both sides of the family, Mom’s and Dad’s would celebrate! Those were the best!
I always loved those long trips. Although the car ride would be eight, sometimes twelves hours long (give or take), I looked forward to seeing the vast countrysides, mountains and woods as we would travel down the highway in that old red and white Volkswagen van! They were called microbuses but back then, they weren’t so micro. You could fit about a dozen people in those things and with the motor housed in the back in a compartment under a space on which maybe twenty bags of groceries could sit real easily, there was plenty of room between the hatchback and the backside of the second backseat.
Many times we traveled overnight and Mom would make my brother and me a nice, plush bed, complete with two pillows to sleep on in the space over the motor in the back of the van. And on those cold winter nights, that motor underneath us served as a source of heat to keep us warm while we slept. And between the warmth and the steady hum of the motor, my brother and I would get the best sleep ever!
Christmas was a magical time when we grew up during the 70’s and 80’s and it was partly because we were allowed to be kids and believe in Santa Claus. We were a close-nit family and always gathered together during any holiday- New Years, Easter, Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. But Christmas and New Year’s were the best! Uma and Grandma would have their houses brightly decorated with an abundance of Christmas lights and candles!
I’m blessed to have the beautiful memories of the love and unity my family enjoyed during those times! Because they truly were what Christmas was all about! The love! The laughter! The joy in being together as Christmas classics, such as Brenda Lee’s “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”, Burl Ives, “A Holly Jolly Christmas” or Andy Williams’ “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” playing on the record player in the background.
Our family would meet at either Grandma’s or Uma’s house on Christmas Eve day. We’d snack on the fruits and veggies from the fruit and veg plates, eat cheese and sausage balls, chocolates, mints, and have a slice of pecan, pumpkin, Chocolate, Lemon or Coconut pie. With it, we’d drink Egg Nog or Boiled Custard. And there were enough soft drinks to go around.
On Christmas Eve night, we would all gather in the living room around the Christmas tree and open presents. Then it was off to bed with me, my brother and cousins. Christmas Eve night was the hardest night of the year for a kid to get to sleep! On Christmas morning, we’d all wake up to a hoard of our favorite toys under the tree- Barbie dolls and baby dolls complete with different outfits for me, Hot Wheels cars and trucks, or Star Wars action figures and vehicles for my brother and my cousins, who were also boys. Even a brand new bike or pair of roller skates!
But isn’t presents the thing that’s on every kid’s mind? And getting to see Grandma? Now that I’m older, presents aren’t nearly as important to me as they were when I was a kid. In my opinion, society over-commercializes Christmas these days.
When I look back now, I think about the love and the togetherness my family shared during the Christmas holidays! I reminisce of the festivities and good times we all shared together. I recall all of us eating or playing cards and board games together! I reflect on the memories of holiday music playing and my mom and grandmother preparing our holiday meal. I think of excited kids running through the house squealing with delight and with their little eyes lit up like Christmas stars! We made so many magical memories together and they are memories I will carry with me to my grave. This, to me, is the true meaning of Christmas.
This post is dedicated to Dad, Grandma and Uma
Rex White Jr.
Frances Bain White Times
Mary Lucille Lawrence Queen
I’m very happy to announce that I am a guest on the Mommy Me blog and wish to thank her. It is an honor and privilege!
I began researching bullying in the early to mid-nineties. I wanted to know everything there was to know about it- why people bully, what drove bullies to single out only certain people, what bullies look for in victims, how bullying affected different people, and what characteristics determined victimhood.
Instead of being traumatized from it, I wanted to learn from it. During the nineties, I poured through countless library books, magazine articles, news columns, anything relating to the subject of bullying. I read about the different personalities of bullies, bystanders, and victims. I also poured through books and articles about politics, social infrastructures, and the power dynamic.
During the late 90’s and 2000s, I took to my PC and poured through countless online articles and essays on the subject, beginning with Tim Field and bullyonline.org based in the UK. I remember emailing Tim Field with many questions on bullying and he always replied curiously and promptly. I learned so much from Tim Field. I was surprised to find that so many others had suffered bullying as well- celebrities, musicians, writers, doctors, attorneys, teachers, homemakers, people from all walks of life. I am saddened that he is no longer with us. I will be forever grateful to him for sharing his expertise and being the encouragement I needed to learn more on the subject.
In my years of research, I’ve attained a vast wealth of knowledge on bullying- knowledge which has served me well both professionally and socially. In my in-depth study of bullies, I have gained so much insight into the minds and personalities of my former classmates and all bullies. In reading countless testimonies of victims and survivors, I realize that none of it was all in my head and that I wasn’t overreacting or bringing it all on myself as my classmates and a few of my teachers had cruelly forced me to believe.
Bullying and the tactics used, from whisper campaigns to witch hunts to threats to bodily harm, have gone on since the beginning of time. It’s nothing new. During the years I was bullied in school, I had tried reporting it, tried speaking out only to be ignored, shamed, retaliated against and blamed for it. That is also nothing new.
Because no one would listen, I grabbed a pen and began writing in a daily journal about the daily bullying I suffered at school to keep as a record in case the bullies at school hurt me so bad I’d need hospitalization or worse, murdered me. I even had one of my journals taken from me by a teacher in the eighth grade and never saw it again. Luckily, I kept a backup hidden at home, and I never lost anything.
By the time I switched schools during my senior year, I had filled several journals with countless horror stories of social aggression, psycho/emotional torment, and brutal beatings dished out by my classmates. I kept those journals put away in a storage bin for decades because I knew that one day, I would write a book about my experiences. That book, “From Victim to Victor: A Survivor’s True Story of Her Experiences with School Bullying.” is now published and available.
With knowledge comes power. If you’ve had something terrible happen in your life- something so awful that it deeply affected your life, learn about it instead of agonizing over it. Instead of being angry over something that happened in the past that you can’t do absolutely anything about, learn as much as you can about it and from every angle possible. Then use it to help others who are going through the same, and I guarantee that doing this will bring healing, unlike anything you can imagine!
Nothing heals you like taking any adversity, learning from it, and using it to help others! Try it! You’ll be glad you did!
Too many people are under the impression that seduction is only about sex. It isn’t. Seduction, by its very definition, is the ability to influence and persuade- to get others to do what we want and to get what we want.
Sadly, it’s a dirty word. When people think of seduction, think of pick-up artists, con men, swindlers and cheats. This is because most people who are excellent seducers tend to use it for purposes of evil and self-servitude. And let’s face it, no one likes to admit that they’ve been seduced because we all want to believe that we’re smarter than that.
However, the reality is that we are all susceptible to the charms of a master seducer. It happens to people, even those who are intelligent, every day. Why do you think so many teachers and school officials, people who have college degrees, get taken in by sociopathic bullies all the time and seem to blame innocent targets for their own suffering?
On the other hand, we also have the power to seduce, and we do it unconsciously every day. It’s how we survive. However, some are just better at it than others and unfortunately, there are a few who are no good at seducing. Fortunately, seduction can be practiced and learned.
No one is an island. No one! We all need other people to achieve any goal, get to where we want to go, and even to survive. We want to think that we can reach goals solely on our own merit and most of us delude ourselves into believing we can. But this kind of attitude is foolish. Without the know-how to seduce, our education, talents, gifts, skills and abilities will only take us so far.
Do you ever wonder why most seasoned bullies are popular, charming, and always seem to get what they want? Have you ever asked yourself why these people seem to effortlessly win over anyone, including your friends and get them to take sides with them and against you? How these creeps lie so convincingly?
Wait for it! Wait for it! It’s because most bullies are master seducers! Bullies are charming, persuasive, influential, and have superior social intelligence, which is why they can manipulate any social infrastructure, draw people to them like a magnet, and why they mostly get away with their evil behavior. And if the bully has good looks, they have a thing called the halo effect going for them as well. The halo effect is the phenomenon where people naturally trust and favor those with the best physical appearance and sadly for some, it’s human nature.
Most bullies aren’t the dumb Nelson Muntzes or Lucy Van Pelts they’re portrayed as in the movies and on television. All too often, they are experts at seduction and good at gaining friends,followers and allies. So, it shouldn’t be any wonder they can bully with impunity and make the target look like the perpetrator. It should be no surprise that bullies are masters at forcing others against their will to do what they want them to do.
Sadly, most victims of bullying aren’t as socially intelligent and aren’t as good at seduction as their bullies, which is why they mostly get the short end of the stick when it comes to social dynamics. It is also why they are blamed and mistaken for being the bully.
To defeat a bully, you must also learn how to seduce- how to exude the same charm and attractiveness. As I said, we all have seductive powers, even victims of bullying possess those delicious powers, only they haven’t learned how to use them. Most victims of bullying were either never taught to hon those powers, or they were like me and taught that seduction was evil. But the truth is, seduction doesn’t have to be bad! It’s all in how you use it!
Fortunately, it can be learned, and there are many books available that can teach us, one of which is “The Art of Seduction,” by Robert Greene.
If you are a target of bullying at school, in the workplace, family, or community, my suggestion is that you read every book you can get your hands on about ways to be charming and seductive.
I’ll say again. Many people think that seduction and the use of charm is evil. This is because most people who have those gifts use them to do wrong. Seduction and allure do not have to be terrible things. They’re not only how we find life partners, reproduce and ensure the survival of the human race, but also how we find jobs so that we can live. It all depends on how you use them and to what ends.
So, when you learn seduction, use it to protect yourself against bullies and selfish people. But more importantly, use it to help others and to change the world for the better! Us it for good!
The first time I read Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends & Influence People” was at the beginning of my second semester of my senior year in high school. Having been bullied in school for the last five years, virtually friendless, and going through what was perhaps the lowest point in my life, I was desperate for answers. My classmates at *Oakley High School had bullied me for so long that I’d withdrawn and closed myself off to people a long time before then. I had forgotten how to connect with people and even how to smile, and none of it was helping the situation any.
Tired of having a next to non-existent social life, I began looking for solutions instead of complaining. I was thirsty for any knowledge that would help.
I walked to the public library and searched the self-help and personal development section and Mr. Carnegie’s book seemed to jump out at me. After reading the title, I snatched the text from the shelf and checked it out. I kept the book hidden, knowing what others would say if they’d found me with it.
In secret, I began reading the book as soon as I returned home, hungrily devouring each page in the privacy of my bedroom. Putting my schoolwork on the back burner, I read the entire book in only three days. I learned so much, things I wasn’t taught before. Or maybe I was taught; only my parents hadn’t quite worded things in a way I could understand.
However, a new problem presented itself. Who would be my social guinea pig? I thought about using Carnegie’s advice on a few family members but was afraid that they too would notice a change too sudden and grow suspicious. They knew too well the quiet and mousy person that I was and that I had pretty much lived inside my own head for the past five years as a means of escape.
The book taught me that people never befriended anyone unless it benefited them somehow. The advice I read in it was to put myself out there and make others feel good about themselves. It had said to show genuine interest in those around me and that people liked those who were interested in them and their lives. I thought, “That’s fair enough. I can do that.”
However, there was yet another problem. I didn’t like nor trust any of my classmates so that was going to be a bit hard to pull off. After the way those creeps had acted for the last five years, no way was I going to even pretend to be interested in any of them. Nope! Besides, I knew they would more than likely be resistant to the change, and things would only get worse.
Luckily, a door opened for me and I transferred to another school the following week. Ah! A new school with new classmates! I had no history at my new high school and my new classmates didn’t know me from a can of paint; this was a juicy opportunity.
I could finally put all of Mr. Carnegie’s advice to practice and the results were amazing! At my new school, I was able to make a difference in the lives of my new schoolmates and my own life as well. Each new classmate was a book I wanted to read and I was able to get a fresh start with a clean slate!
I only attended *Roseburg High School during the last four months of my senior year. In such a short time, I made so many new friends, and they invited me to be a member of the Senior Picnic Committee. Even better, my grades skyrocketed! I went from making C’s, D’s and F,s while attending Oakley High School to making all A’s and one B, therefore making the Honor Roll!
I loved my new school! I had so much fun that time just flew by and before I knew it, graduation day arrived. It was bittersweet. I was happy that I was getting my diploma but I was so sad that it was coming to an end.
Where had all the time gone?
As I walked in the graduation line, took my diploma, and shook the principal’s hand, I forced a smile as a tear ran down my cheek. I would miss my Roseburg friends, teachers, and staff. I would miss Roseburg High School.
I will never forget the time I spent at *RHS and the people who made going to school so much fun!
*Not the real name of the school
Sadly, being stigmatized and labeled as mentally ill is a normal part of life with ASD. Too many people are ignorant of the fact that ASD is a neurological difference, not a mental illness, and positively not a negative trait. What most do not know is that ASD can be an asset. Take it from someone who knows someone who is on the spectrum.
When I read the negative tweets about Greta Thunberg, I shake my head. On the flip side, when I see the possibility that perhaps her ASD is being used to further some agenda, I’m also dismayed. I believe that she’s being insulted by some and used by others because she has come out of the closet with her neuro-difference from the NT majority, and it sickens me.
She is a teenager, for crying out loud! And the people who are insulting and using her are supposed to be adults who should be setting a positive example for the rest of society! But sadly, being a child doesn’t shield anyone on the spectrum from being stereotyped.
Every day, people with Autism continue to be mistaken for being “crazy” or “retarded” (God, I despise the R-word!). Because of this stigma and ongoing unfair treatment, many can eventually become mentally ill because a person can only take so much hatred and adversity before it begins to take a toll on the psyche.
This only re-enforces the stigma! It serves as confirmation to others who are clueless of ASD that they are mentally ill. With that said. It only goes to show that we have a long way to go before we reach the goal of neurodiversity and that, even in 2019, people on the spectrum continue to experience discrimination, prejudice, and hate.
Greta Thunberg is a brilliant child, and I believe that it will be people like her who will break the stigma and pave the way for people on the spectrum to one day be accepted and allowed to live happier and more productive lives.