I understand what it’s like to be driven to such a dark and awful place. When I was young and bullied and felt completely alone, I resorted to an attempt to take my own life. It was one of the most terrible things I’d ever considered, ever attempted and I tell you this only because I want you to know I really do understand your pain and your desperation to get out of the corner you feel your bullies have backed you into.
When I think about that time in my life, I get mad about it- damn mad- and not only at my bullies for driving me to such a place, but mad at myself for allowing them to do it. I can’t even pretend it’s all their fault.
In hindsight, I never should have made that attempt on my own life. All that would’ve happened was that the people (bullies) who called me names and thought I was stupid, weak and beneath them would have concluded that they were right all along. Instead, I should have wanted to live and to stick around— even if for no other reason than to piss off all those who had made me so miserable that I would think about something so final and wasteful.
I fought like hell to hold on to my pride, dignity, and self-respect! And most importantly, I lived through it and eventually things changed for the better. I lived to write and publish four books and begin a blog, which is only my way of turning what was once a very negative experience into a positive outcome, and help people who are suffering as I did.
If I had it to do over, the most important change would be that I would have worked on me. I would have gotten busy practicing and honing my talents, and I would’ve been unafraid to display those talents. I would have entered talent shows and writing contests, winning all sorts of prizes! I would have begun striving toward self-improvement and a deeper understanding of both what was happening to me and the world and the people around me.
If you’re reading this and you’re in the same gawdawful place I was then, let me tell you something: You are not a terrible person! You are a fighter, and if you remain tough long enough, you will emerge a winner! I can guarantee it! So don’t give up! Don’t quit! As long as you keep on living, you keep on fighting. And as long as you keep on fighting, you’ve already won.
You just don’t know it yet.
Suicide is never the answer. Never. I didn’t realize then that I was playing right into my bullies’ hands. I was giving them exactly what they wanted— they were already out to destroy me, and I was making it easier for them.
Now that I know better, there will be a cold day in Hades before I will ever let another person beat me that far down again. Instead, I will only be that much more determined to keep living and enjoying the good things.
There is beauty in life if you look for it.