Why Former Bullies Always Deny the Abuse They Inflicted

bullies denial

It’s because they feel dirty. That’s right! Any time bullies and abusers must face the reality of any past abuse they may have inflicted on someone else, deep down inside, though they would never admit it to themselves much less you or anyone else, they feel like a piece of scum. And in order to not feel dirty, they must live in denial of what they did. It’s the only way they can bury their sins and still feel good about themselves.

My former classmates who bullied me, are no different. Denial is a useful psychological defense, and it does have benefits.

Many bullies deny their abuse because of their hatred for the victim, and they wish to reduce sympathy and support for the victim. They will claim that the violence a victim speaks of is either invented or exaggerated to either get attention or to make others feel sorry for him/her.

Sometimes, even bystanders and witnesses will side with the bullies and deny the abuse to keep from being bullied themselves or because they too have a secret hatred for the victim. Bystanders and witnesses may also want the bullying of the victim to continue for entertainment purposes. Believe it or not, many witnesses to the abuse enjoy seeing the victim get bullied because, to them, it is a source of entertainment and makes them feel superior to somebody.

bullies feeling dirty denial

Also, bystanders may feel dirty as well because they know they didn’t speak out for the victim when they should have, or the bullying may be something they would like to have done to the victim themselves but didn’t have the guts.

Understand that the psyches and egos of humans are very fragile, even those of bullies. So, any time your abuser denies any abuse they know they dished out to you in the past, you don’t have to feel angry or insulted. You don’t have to try and force them to fess up. Because just knowing why they deny it and the nastiness they feel inside when they see you should be enough satisfaction.

So, if you’re a survivor of bullying and anytime you’re out shopping, and see one of the people who bullied you in the past; and you immediately notice how they turn and walk away or avoid looking at you. Know why they do that and feel good about it.

I can tell you that most of my classmates can’t face me today. They cannot bear to look at me because they know what they did, and they feel so dirty. I am a reminder of what they never want to see in themselves, and I always provoke feelings of shame in them. Therefore, I can’t get angry at them, nor feel insulted. There’s no need for revenge, nor to hate them because, in the end, they are the ones who must live with what they did.

Always remember that!

12 thoughts on “Why Former Bullies Always Deny the Abuse They Inflicted

  1. I agree. And I think they also feel powerless – and they sense your power – when thy see you not only survived but thrived (despite their attempts to shame and undermine you).

  2. It comes down to responsibility. Look kids can be cruel and a lot of us probably said or did something that may or may not have intentionally hurt someone and when we are young we have no real judgement of what cool is, smart is, beautiful is, etc. And every school has those bullies who torment others. But one day when people mature you hope they get it and that person needs to reach out realize they were wrong in their behavior, own it and if a chance arises apologize for their behavior. If you are sincere, some fences can mend and people do change physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually quite often. But for that person who was ripped apart especially frequently they have a lot of scars especially if it was often and done by a group of people as cowards hang in numbers. It is hard for many to overcome.

    • That’s so true. I’ve had a few bullies from school who actually became great friends later on. But sadly, most of the others never outgrew their childish behavior. But the beauty of being an adult is that you don’t have to see those people anymore.
      But the bullies who became my friends are now the sweetest most sincere people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing.

  3. That is just it. If you are a former bully and truly sorry for what you did you own it and if the opportunity presents itself you do apologize. The young mind often isn’t fully developed. Most of us have stories, not necessarily bullying others, but either being bullied or just showing bad behavior that we are remorseful for and a different person. If you are truly different apologize for what you did and in a day and age of Social Media sometimes it is easy to locate someone see how they are doing and apologize if you know you were mean to them.

    • I totally agree. However, I’m not waiting for any apology and I wouldn’t advise anyone else to. Get on with your life and if they do apologize, awesome. If they don’t, it’s no loss. Keep living your life the best you can. The old saying about living well rings true.

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