Being alone means being in solitude- being by yourself. When you’re alone, you’re without the company of others. Being lonely, on the other hand, means having feelings of abandonment- being sad due to being isolated and alienated from others.
Alone is a state of being. Whereas, loneliness is a state of mind. An emotion. You can be in a room full of people and though you may not be alone, you can be lonely. It’s not about the number of people around you, it’s about how you feel.
When you’re alone, you can be happy. When you’re lonely, you can’t.
Being alone is sometimes beneficial because it allows you to focus on a project without disruption and makes concentration so much easier. So, you can be alone without necessarily being lonely. And everyone needs a little bit of “me-time” every day!
Being alone is being at home by yourself and enjoying a good book.
Being lonely is that dull ache in your chest after you’ve lost a family member or been thrown under the bus by your friends.
Here’s how to beat that awful feeling of loneliness:
1. Concentrate on your hobbies. Do something you enjoy doing- preferably something that takes a little concentration and consumes some time.
2. Get up and move. Exercise works wonders and has a way of producing endorphins that make you feel good. Dancing to some good music is a great picker-upper!
3. Do a home-improvement project. Clean out your garage or declutter your closets.
As you know, I was bullied for six long years in school. But I also had hobbies that distracted me from some of the loneliness.
My writing and art projects at home were one of the ways I survived those lonely years. They made things a lot more bearable and when I’d finish a project, that feeling of accomplishment I’d get would always supersede any feeling of abandonment I felt!
Never fear being alone. Too many people think that because you’re alone, it means you’re lonely. It doesn’t!
It is with heartfelt gratitude that I announce reaching the 1000 mark! I want to thank all my fellow bloggers, followers, and readers for your support of this blog. I could never have made it this far without you. Through WordPress, I’ve found such an awesome community and made so many great friends. Words can never express what a huge blessing each and every one of you are to my life. I’m truly thankful, honored and humbled. And I look forward to many, many years with you and to forming new friendships.
Bullies come in different kinds. You can never assume how your bullies will react because different people react to different things in different ways. Speak out against and expose some bullies and they’ll go to the ends of the earth seeking to retaliate.
Taylor your defense strategies to the particular bully you’re dealing with. To do this, you must be able to distinguish the blowhards from the truly vindictive, the smart ones from the dumb, and the aggressive from the passive-aggressive.
Bullies should never be dealt with blindly. If you go into it blind, you’ll be at their mercy and they’ll toss you around like a tornado tosses debris.
To successfully combat bullying, you must be able to recognize different types of personalities if you expect to survive.
1. Narcissistic and Arrogant Bullies – Although they may hide it well, their excessive, touchy pride and self-importance makes them dangerous. If these types detect even a hint of slight, they will pay you back with excessive brutality. With these people, logic and rationality won’t apply. They overreact to what even looks like opposition and ridicule.
And you don’t have to do anything to them. All you have to do is be good at something or outdo them somehow and they’ll take offense to it. They’ll call you a showoff and take it as you’re trying to be better than them. And they’ll make you pay dearly. And if you get recognition for a project well-done, these people won’t tolerate it. They hate being in anyone’s shadow!
These bullies are usually in the popular crowd at school or in management at work.
Don’t bother trying to second guess them. Avoid them like the plague!
2. Insecure Bullies – These people are a close second to the Narcissistic bullies. These bullies are harder to spot and less violent. Their egos are extremely fragile, and their senses of self are insecure. If they dislike you, they’ll attack in small nibbles. And you won’t realize it until the swipes they take at you are big enough to be obvious.
These bullies are usually the groupies to the popular crowd at school or the suck-ups to management at work.
Avoid these people as well.
3. Suspicious Bullies – these bullies only see the worst in not only their targets but everyone. But in their targets, it’s all they want to see. They see them as threats and think they’re out to get them when it couldn’t be further from the truth. However, Suspicious bullies aren’t as dangerous as the previous two. These bullies are, in fact, easy for targets to trick and deceive. And sometimes targets must resort to trickery to protect themselves.
To counter these bullies is to use their suspicions and turn them against someone else. It will take their focus off you and toss it on the other person. Hey, I know it sounds shady but sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to protect yourself. And if means someone else (preferably someone who is as mean as a snake) taking the heat for a while, so be it.
4. Bullies with photographic memories – These bullies never forget you. If you were to run into them again 30 years later, you can bet that they will target you again- only picking up where they left off.
If you’re a target of these bullies, they won’t show their hatred outwardly. But they will keep their eyes on you.
They’ll lie in wait as they plot. Then, when the time is right, they’ll exact their brutality with a frigid coldness. These bullies are usually unaffectionate and hard.
To protect yourself, you must damage these bullies or scare them so bad, they won’t even think of coming for you again.
5. Bullies who aren’t very bright – These people are easy to combat and won’t see your counterattack coming. These are the bullies you can most easily defend yourself against and expose.
Again, you must know your bullies- each of them, if you expect to overcome them. Knowing your bullies means knowing their personalities and being able to predict what they’ll do next. Only then will you be able to protect yourself against them to maximum effect.
To feel better about themselves and keep from feeling powerless, too many targets of bullying resort to bullying others who are even more vulnerable than them. And it’s not right.
In many cases, targets of bullying who bully, or “bully-victims” bully not because they want to. They bully because they feel like they have no choice.
In bullying, bullies unwittingly teach their targets that to degrade and disparage another person is what it takes to stay on top or off the bottom! And let’s face it, nobody wants to be on the bottom.
One of the uglier characteristics of humans is that everyone wants to be better than somebody! The attitude is that if you’re not above somebody, anybody, then who are you better than? The sad reality is that people equate not being better than someone, even if it’s only one person, with being powerless. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.
But just the same, they do it because they don’t believe there’s any other way to stay out of the basement and boost their self-esteem. But!
What if I told you that there was a better way to get the same psychological benefits? What if I told you that there was another way you could feel better about yourself and eliminate those toxic feelings your bullies have instilled in you for so long? Even better, what if I told you that you could get those benefits without causing harm to another person?
Well? You can!
Here’s how you do it!
Instead of targeting more vulnerable people, how about connecting with and befriending them? Because they get bullied just like you. They may get bullied worse than you. You never know.
And let’s face it. No one person is an island. There’s no way you can have even a little bit of power by yourself. We’d like to think that we can survive and do anything in this world just fine by ourselves and that we don’t have to depend on anyone, but that’s not reality.
The reality is that power means relationships. And we all need people as loved ones, friends, and allies.
Therefore, make friends with those who are weaker than you! Stick up for those people and be their buddy instead of their bully. Make them feel good about themselves and encourage them to stick up for themselves and to realize that they too matter in this world.
These targets need someone who they think has more strength than them to have their backs, and to be someone they can trust and look up to. These people will need you and depend on you, and that’s what you want.
Let me explain this a little deeper,
If you’re a target of bullying, the last thing you want to do is seek the approval of your bullies or their followers. You never want to build a power base with people more powerful than you are. They’ll only eat you alive!
And if they’re stronger than you, how can you expect them to depend on you? To make friends in your situation, you must look for people who will count on you. And they have to in some way, shape, or form, need you.
And the “weaker” targets will be the ones who must have you around to ensure their safety and to validate their importance and their deserving of love and friendship. They will need a friend, protector, and advocate. And you can be those things to them!
It’s much smarter to seek out and make friends with the “weaker” targets and create a relationship on their dependency on you. Because when you do, you become their pillar of strength. You become their voice and their backbone.
And because the other targets are more vulnerable, they’ll know that to turn their backs on you would be to do so at their own risk. Throwing you under the bus would only bring them hardship and pain.
In a friendship like this, you will have the power. So use that power to promote solidarity with them, uplift them, and have their backs!
And if ever you need something done, you won’t have to use force to get your new, less powerful friends to help you out. They’ll be more than happy to oblige because you’ll be their fearless leader, their encourager and protector, and the last thing they’ll want is to lose you. They’ll know that without you, they’d be in a pickle.
The beauty of this is that you and all the other victims will become a group. You’ll band together and become as one. And you’ll gain strength from your numbers.
I promise you that things will only get better once you put this into action. And the only things you’ll have to lose are your low self-esteem and your feelings of powerlessness!
Down through the ages, either at school, the workplace, or the community, people have made excuses for the behavior of bullies and it can be downright sickening to targets of such evil acts. Often, the bully has gotten away with it for so long that they get too comfortable and no longer try to hide it. It leaves targets feeling not only a sense of injustice and resentment but downright furious! Unfortunately, this happens all the time, and it’s nothing new.
If you’re a target of such brutality and find yourself wondering why people make excuses for bullies, here are your answers below:
1. They’re afraid of becoming the next target. Nobody wants a bully on their back, so they make excuses for the bullies to protect themselves from being ostracized and to keep from arousing the bullies’ anger. These people often “don’t want to make waves” or “rock the boat.”
2. They’re loyal followers of the bullies. Many people are under the impression that being friends or followers of the bullies will give them status, popularity, favors, and most of all, protection. And in many cases, it does. But in others, the followers are only being used and will be quickly dismissed as soon as they’ve “served their purpose.”
3. They hate the target worse than they hate the bullies. They take the lesser of two evils route. If people hate the target worse than they do the bullies, they’re naturally going to side with the bullies and help demonize the target all for the satisfaction of seeing the victim suffer.
4. It’s expected of them. And people will often do what’s expected of them to do in an environment. Many times, the bullying of a particular individual has become the status quo in that specific environment, whether it be a school, workplace, or community. And no one wants to challenge that for fear of being marginalized and forced to join the target at the bottom of the heap.
5. They prefer to “cheer for the winning team.” Many people will side with the person who wields the most power. When people are on the side of the winners or ones with the most power, they get a share in being one of the big dogs. Many times, there’s a certain amount of social status and prestige that goes with rooting for a particular clique, team, or group who seems to be in charge and run the school, place of employment, or community.
6. They want to be a part of the in-crowd. (See number 5)
7. They think it will keep down the drama and allow some peace in that particular environment. Let’s face it. Bullying is stressful for bystanders and witnesses too. You don’t have to be a target for it to suck the energy out of you. All it takes for bullying to take the oxygen out of the room is for you to see it. So, people make excuses for the bully, often in their presence, to appease them and calm them down.
8. They’re bullies themselves. Birds of a feather flock together. People have a nose for and take care of their own.
9. For purposes of self-interest. The bullies benefit them somehow. If the bullies are stars on the school football team, star performers in a corporation, or successful business people in a community, they boost the image of that school, corporation, or district and often bring or attract money into the coffers of these entities.
The prevailing thought is this, “If someone makes me look good and is bringing in the money, I’d be a fool to do anything to jeopardize it!”
Also, in return for keeping their mouths shut or justifying their wrongdoings, bullies will often reward bystanders and witnesses with social status, perks, favors, and protection. Or the reward may be the feeling of importance in knowing that that they’re on the team that holds the most power and prestige.
10. They want to impress the bullies and be admired by them. Many people have a desire to run with the “cool crowd.” Therefore, they make excuses for them to impress them and win favor. They feel that if the bullies, who already have an overinflated sense of their own importance, think well of them too, then they must be hot items themselves. And it’s a huge self-esteem boost.
However, these people are only letting the approval of these bullies define who they are, which is dangerous. Because once the bullies decide they don’t need them anymore, it’s going to be devastating for them.
You must understand that there is a payoff in it somewhere. Human Nature dictates that none of us do anything unless it somehow, someway, appeals to our self-interests, even a little bit. If people are making excuses for bullies, you can be sure that those people are somehow benefiting from it, whether it be a psychological, social, or material gain.
Gossips are everywhere! Too many people worry needlessly about what people are saying about them. But here’s the thing, people talk. They’re going to have something to say about you until the day you die. Get used to it. Better, yet embrace it! Love it!
1. When people talk about you, they make you relevant! Good or bad, it means you’re an exciting topic- you’re not dull. Remember that it’s much better to be good or bad then to be boring.
2. When people engage in petty gossip about you, it means that they can’t get you off their minds. Somehow, someway, positive or negative, you’ve made an impact on them. You’ve stirred emotions up in them.
3. When people talk about you, it means they don’t have lives of their own and are obsessed with yours, which means your life must be more exciting than theirs.
4. When people talk behind your back, they reveal much more about themselves than they do you. Remember the old proverb, “Great minds discuss ideas, Average minds discuss events, and Small minds discuss people.”
5. When people can’t shut up about you, you’re the one who’s in control of them. Because you occupy a large amount of space in their minds, you’ve affected them profoundly and with little or no effort.
6. The people who blab about you expend a lot of their energy on you while you get to save yours. They’re thinking of you without getting so much as a thought from you.
7. When you’re the topic of others’ discussions, it means that they’re your fans, only they don’t know it.
It’s important to reframe the situation. And smile as you’re the hottest topic around! Haters make you famous!
8. In a nutshell, when people can’t stop running their mouths about you, it only means that you have a tremendous amount of power over them and you didn’t have to make an effort to get that power! Yay, you!
So don’t give their talk any validation by reacting. Just sit back and be amused by the talkers, provided it’s just petty gossip and not defamation. I’ll distinguish between the two in a future post.
Janet Jackson – “Rhythm Nation”
Paula Abdul- “Spellbound”
Donna Summer- “On The Radio”
Prince- “1999”, “Purple Rain”, “Controversy”, “Private Joy”, “Dirty Mind”, “Around the World in a Day”, “Sign O’ the Times”
Jade- “Mind, Body & Song”
Bobby Brown- “Get Away”
TLC- “Crazy Sexy Cool”
LaBouche – “Sweet Dreams” “Be My Lover”
Culture Beat- “Take Me Away”, “Got to Get It”
Captain Hollywood Project- “More and More”
ROCK CDs and songs
Dokken- “Back for the Attack” “Under Lock and Key”
Motley Crue- “Shout…” “Girls Girls Girls” “Dr. Feelgood”
Lynch Mob- “Wicked Sensation”