The Hallmark of Victim-Mentality- Living in the Past

A while back, a fellow blogger inspired this post with a comment, and she was spot on with it. For the life of me, I cannot remember who the blogger was, but I’d like to thank her in advance.

Sadly, too many survivors of bullying still render themselves, victims by living in the past. They constantly ruminate over the bullying they endured, wondering if they could have done anything differently and wishing they had.

They look back with remorse, shame, guilt, and regret. Now, it’s normal to do right after you’ve gotten out of the toxic environment that encouraged the bullying. I completely understand because I did it too. However, when this goes on for years and years, you only hold yourself back. Unnecessary baggage only keeps you down.

Many survivors trap themselves in an endless cycle of what-ifs. They keep themselves stuck and forgo opportunities to learn from and grow from their experiences. Some seek revenge. Others only bury it, live in denial, and try to rewrite history.

Understand that this is a waste of your time.

On the other hand, some survivors become conquerors. They acknowledge that, yes, the bullying happened, and, yes, it was painful, then aspire to learn and grow from it.

I realize that, once you’re out of an extremely toxic environment, there will be a period of grief. Again, completely understandable. It’s okay to mourn the loss of time bullying caused. It’s okay, even recommended, to feel angry and hurt for a while. In no way should you ever trivialize this period of mourning because it’s real, and it happens to survivors when they’re fresh out of an abusive situation.

And different people have different periods of grief.

My crying stage lasted a month; yours may be a lot longer or shorter. It depends on the person. Some may choose to get therapy, and others won’t. But there comes the point when you must move on and not allow it to take over your life. Don’t let your bullies live in your mind rent-free for too many years. They’ve already taken away enough of your life. Don’t you think?

You owe it to yourself to heal and begin to accept what happened, then learn and grow from it. Only then can you reach empowerment and find happiness.

13 thoughts on “The Hallmark of Victim-Mentality- Living in the Past

  1. Pingback: The Hallmark of Victim-Mentality- Living in the Past — Chateau Cherie | SLM1975's Weblog

  2. People don’t have to be bullies to play the victim. Many different types of people can be caught in the trap of playing the victim, and what’s sad about this is that they will never actually admit that they are doing this nor do they want to change. Playing the victim is comfortable.

    Playing the victim is also a form of gaslighting, and the person will never really admit their mistakes, always placing the blame on you or the people around them; they may be very condescending in their writing, tone or speech. Just recently, there was a blogger who was doing some mega-gaslighting and projecting this towards me whenever I tried to provide encouragement, honesty, resources etc. to help her. She had an “us vs. them” mentality which is so so toxic. It was very painful for me to finally accept that regardless of what I did, she is not ready for change. Change is uncomfortable.

    • Wow! I’m so sorry to hear that, Hilary. I know how badly you must’ve felt when she did that. I think some people feign victimhood for attention too. It’s sad.

      • Thank you for your reply 🙂 There are better ways to get attention than to act out and ultimately alienate oneself in the process only to use that fuel later as a self-fulfilling prophecy to rationalize why life ‘sucks.’ Wow, that was a mouthful! Lol 😂

        I also noticed hat she cares a hella lot about stats even though her blog provides little to no value to anyone else but herself. The whole ordeal really irks me. I’m not mad at her for being who she is and refusing to change – I’m mad at myself for believing the BS and wasting so much time trying to provide comfort and moral support.

        • You’re absolutely right, sweetie. I’m sorry you had to deal with it. Sadly, there are a few bad apples in the blog world too. And your mouthful was bare truth and describes many people I’ve personally had the misfortune of running into both online and in the real world. The best way to deal withnthede types is to bless and release. 🙂

          • You actually know of this blogger. I still read her blog posts from time to time but I’ve stopped engaging with her. Last time I left a reply offering some advice and a reference to a book, and she wrote a not-so-nice comment back. I guess she soon realized that, but I saw her reply before she deleted it – so much gaslighting 🙄 usually I can tolerate it but this was completely uncalled for and the her accusations/sarcasm towards me happened on several occasions.

            We used to have vulnerable, lengthy conversations but these past two week were unacceptable in terms of decency and respect. So now I have to bite my tongue as a gentle reminder that I do not owe her anything nor should I feed the bear.

          • I may know of her. I’ve had a few get sarcastic with me too I just can’t remember them until I see their names in Reader. Luckily, they’re only few and far between as most of the bloggers I interact with are wonderful people.

          • Usually I can brush off the sarcasm too but the lack of respect is what did it for me. I try not to take snark from ppl personally but sometimes it’s hard not to let it affect us. I don’t think this blogger is intentionally a bully and am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

            This does remind me of a bully I knew in elementary school and high school who was often snarky and sarcastic with me too. It was worse because it was in person. I never made the connection until reading your blog post about victim mentality!

          • I understand. However, if the person makes you feel bad, intentional or not. There’s no law that says you have to have anything to do with them. You must put you first in these situations. And thank you for the lovely compliment. I so appreciate it. ❤😊

          • Thank you for your kind words! 😊💕 I’m going to screenshot your comment and keep it on my phone for the next time I need a reminder!

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