When someone tries so hard to prove that they’re not something (a coward, a racist, poor, lacks intelligence, etc.), it usually means they ARE that “something” and they’re only desperate to hide it! Because if they know themselves and know in their heart that they’re not, there’s no need to prove it to begin with. The truth is just there.
I’d be suspicious of anyone who panders, virtue signals, and bends over backwards in order to “prove” something.
“The reason bullies tell you, ‘You can’t,’ is because they fear that you can and are even more afraid that you will.”
If you’re working hard to better your life and pursue your goals and dreams, bullies will discourage and dishearten you if you aren’t careful. If you’re a target of bullying, understand that it’s nothing more than psy-ops bullies are trying to use against you.
It’s all designed to suppress you and make you afraid of even trying because you risk the possibility of failing. Why? Because bullies know that if you keep trying long enough, you’re very likely to succeed.
Bullies can’t handle the successes of anyone. And they most definitely can’t take it if it’s achieved by anyone they deem inferior. Realize that a bully’s feelings of power and superiority come from one-upmanship, and when his/her target succeeds at anything, it undermines that sense of superiority.
Proverbially, it takes bullies down a notch or two, which makes them angry and desire to put the target “back in their place.”
When you reach success, expect this type of attitude and behavior from your bullies. Know that it will reignite a lot of rage and jealousy in them. It will also induce the need to take revenge. “How dare you!” They will want to get even. No way will they stand for you rising above them!
When this happens, don’t be surprised. Instead of feeling bad, feel good because it only shows that your bullies are jealous and desperate to have what you have. Expect people to act ignorant and never apologize for any successes you’ve had.
With knowledge comes empowerment.
Bullies thrive on power, dominance, and fear. They love positions of power and will often opt for jobs that give them either authority over people or prestige.
Here are some of the jobs bullies select.
1.Politicians. Remember that well-seasoned bullies are the biggest and most convincing schmoozers, liars, and convincers on the face of the Earth. They have a way of steamrolling their ways to the top. And why not? They’ve been politicking since they were in diapers and often have connections in high places who give them boosts up the ladder. Should it be any wonder we have politicians who schmoozed constituents to get into office, then do nothing once they get there? This is not to say that all politicians are bullies, but all bullies seem to be politicians.
2. Law Enforcement Officer. First, let me start by saying that most police officers are great people who have my utmost respect, especially in today’s climate. They do a difficult and thankless job. They put their lives on the line every day to keep us all safe and to prevent criminals from harming law-abiding citizens and their families.
However, like any profession, law enforcement also has its bad apples. And when people who were bullies in school take these jobs, they often become those bad apples in their departments- the very people who put shame on the badge. These bullies will abuse their power at will.
And it isn’t fair to the good cops who sincerely want to make a positive difference and make our streets safer. The good cops are the ones who suffer when this happens.
3. Correctional Officer. Even correctional officers have authority over inmates- just not all inmates because there are some inmates who flat out run penitentiaries. It happens. Bullies pick this job because in prisons, they get free rain to do to “select” inmates, usually, the inmates at the bottom of the social order, whatever they want, and what are those inmates going to do about it? It’s their word against the bully CO’s and whose word do you think the warden will take?
Even worse, bully CO’s also abuse the good and decent CO’s who are competent and perform their jobs well. My last husband worked as a Corporal in a penal institution before he died. And he told me a few horror stories. I also, have friends who work in the TDOC system and they too tell me that it isn’t the inmates they must watch out for, it’s their coworkers.
4. Supervisors and Managers. Again, bullies love positions of power and once they take those positions, they usually have carte blanche to abuse who they select to bully. I can’t count the stories I hear of workplace bullying and of bully bosses who get drunk on power and destroy others’ careers and lives.
It seems that bullies can’t live without having power over another.
With knowledge comes empowerment
You can take any abuse you suffer and use it for the benefit of others. That’s a success, and it’s the best poke in the eye/slap in the face to your abusers.
I say this because I get plenty of pushback from a few of my old pals from way back when. Think about this; if you speak your truth and your former abusers lash back, it’s because they feel intimidated.
If they didn’t feel threatened, if your voice weren’t powerful enough to intimidate them, if you weren’t speaking the truth, they wouldn’t be pushing back so hard.
The reason why you’ve probably gotten a few nasty or threatening messages is that your former abusers know you’re telling the truth, and they’re scared to death of being exposed.
Here’s another point I want to make: Your bullies are more than likely angry they failed to accomplish their objective, and that objective was to destroy your life. They expected you to drown- to crash and burn, and you didn’t! That’s a huge disappointment to them and a blow to their fragile egos! And now, they’ve come back to try and finish the job.
But the good thing is that you should welcome their pushback because it only shows that they’re desperate. It should only inspire you to double down and spread awareness of bullying and reach out to targets with your message.
Their abuse should make you even more determined to continue warning others that, yes, such people exist. In my situation, it only compels me to call out the tactics and mindsets of bullies and expose them to show the targets of today what to look for. In short, bullies and trolls only light a brighter and hotter fire under me. And they should you too.
group of people or crowd cheers carrying signs. event, Fan club, demonstration concept. cartoon vector
The key to knowing who’s in your cheering section comes down to evaluating the impact the people in your life have had on your life. You assess how they made you feel about yourself, whether they encouraged you to better yourself or hindered you, and whether they abused you or treated you with kindness.
Did they have your back or throw you under the bus? Were they there with you when the chips were down, or did they disappear at the first sign of trouble?
That’s the criteria you look at to find out who’s got you. Sadly, so many ignore this.
Many targets of bullying, after people bully them so severely for so long, become painfully shy. I did. So, I understand entirely.
When a target has personal attacks hurled at them from every direction, and others scrutinize everything they say and do down to the tiniest detail, it’s easy for that person to withdraw, shut out the rest of humanity, and hide in plain sight. It seems to be the safest thing to do.
However, it’s a terrible way to live. Shyness is like a prison without walls. It stops you from being your true, authentic self, and you end up missing out on so much. Shyness keeps you from having fun and enjoying life.
When you’re shy, you don’t properly connect with others because you’re too busy thinking about yourself rather than others.
There. I said it.
You’re too busy thinking instead of connecting- thinking of what to say next, wondering what others are thinking of you and of how they can benefit you, and self-conscious of how you’re coming across. You’re too busy thinking about you!
But what if I said that there was a way to get rid of shyness? What if I told you there’s one- just one ingredient?
It’s true! Are you ready for it? Here it is.
How you get rid of shyness is to take the focus off yourself and become interested in others. And when you do that, you put yourself out there and take risks.
That’s it.
As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” How right she was.
When you’re so shy that you can’t bear social situations, it’s a sign that you’ve already given your power over to other people. Not good! You owe it to yourself to take that power back.
It won’t be easy. It may feel awkward at first. But put yourself out there and take risks. Greet people- even total strangers, with a smile and a “Hi. How are you?” You’ll be surprised at the positive outcomes you get and how your confidence begins to soar.
I know what some of you are thinking.
“What if they reject me?”
Rejection is a part of life. You just have to deal with that. Better yet, embrace it. It’s a risk you must take. Life is full of risks.
But if you don’t take risks, you don’t really live, you only exist.
Realize that human beings love it when you’re genuinely interested in them. Let them tell you about themselves and listen not only with your ears and eyes but with your whole heart. Do it long enough, and soon, it will no longer feel awkward. You won’t even need to think about it. It will feel like second nature.
Only when you develop a genuine interest in other people will your shyness disappear. The key is to focus outside yourself.
So, get out there and schmooze it up! I guarantee that you’ll be pleasantly surprised not only at the results you get but how confident you feel!
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Too many survivors use victimization as justification for wrongdoing. They feel that because they suffered, life owes them somehow. I have seen people mistreat others merely because of the bullying they suffered in the past and think that it’s the only way they can feel empowered again. Sadly, I was guilty of the same thing in high school. It isn’t something I’m proud of today.
Example: Some people may choose to rob a bank or burn down a corporate building because they grew up poor and felt like they didn’t get a fair shake in life. Again, they feel like the world owes them and that there’s justification for striking back against a system they believe screwed them over.
When the law finally catches up with them and hauls them off to jail, they become even more embittered because the perpetrators feel that being held responsible for what they did only further evidences that they aren’t getting a fair shake.
These criminals fail to realize that we’re all still responsible for our actions regardless of what happened to us in the past. Evil behavior always brings consequences. You reap what you sow.
Past victimization does not justify wrongdoing. Ever! A reason does not equal an excuse. We’re all responsible for our lives, whether or not we admit it.
I could have gone on bullying others because people bullied me in the past. But where would it have gotten me? Nowhere! That behavior would have only brought consequences and more misery.
Wouldn’t it be better to learn from adversity and take accountability for your life? To try and make your life better than it was in the past? Of course, it would.
I promise you. You will be so much better off.
Happiness is when you contribute to a purpose bigger than yourself. Becoming an advocate for the bullied and tackling things about bullying that few people think about is where I get my happiness.
That purpose is informing others aspects of bullying that no one talks about and in that, helping targets reclaim their personal power. This is so much bigger than me. And it’s why it feels so rewarding!
Contributing to helping others more successfully battle bullying isn’t for material gain, fame, or fortune. It’s for my spiritual fulfillment. It’s the inner rewards I get. Rewards of the heart- knowing that this is making a difference and making the world a better place- even if just a little bit.
There’s no reward that matches that! I want to be the person I needed when I was targeted years ago.
Sure. Material rewards are nice, don’t get me wrong. And I certainly won’t turn them down if I’m ever blessed with them. I would love to make a good living doing what I love. After all, I’m human too.
But at the end of the day, the inner rewards- the rewards to the heart and spirit are more satisfying than I ever thought they would be.
It’s what keeps me going and it’s where my fulfillment comes from.
Humans tend to be selective of those who are more like them because sameness brings comfort and security. We can choose who to date, who to be friends with, hang out with, and with whom to do business. We choose who we choose.
I can agree that we have the right to choose the people we associate with. What we don’t have the right to do is mistreat, dehumanize, and demonize the people we don’t choose. Although we may not like certain people, we should respect their right to human dignity and to exist. We should let them go on with their lives and pursue their happiness, goals, and dreams, rather than try to hold them back just because they’re different from us.
Though we may not like a person, we must know that that person is due the same human rights. And where we go wrong is when we regard anyone different from us, “the enemy,” solely on their differences and not because of any actions they’ve done against us.
In deeming someone an enemy without just cause, we force them to become our enemy by the abuse we commit against them. Our offense justifies their defense. We make them an adversary by provoking them to fight back and defend themselves.
Biases can cause a kind of tunnel vision in that we can’t see outside our comfort zones. Sameness and familiarity may make people more comfortable and give certainty and security, but, on the downside, it causes narrow-mindedness and short-sightedness. It produces blind spots, and the more biased we are, the more we miss, or rather, reject information that may broaden our horizons and make us better and more informed people. In short, it promotes blindness to the world around us.
It’s like living in a small town all your life and never venturing outside the city limits. There’s so much you miss because there’s a much bigger world outside that small town.
It’s the same with selecting the same types of people to be in your life- people who look like you, think like you and act like you. You cheat yourself out of meeting many people who are also great and exciting. You miss out on people you could learn from and who would otherwise be significant assets to your life- people who would otherwise be great friends and add love and positivity to your life.
After all, “variety is the spice of life.” Right?
On the other hand, when you base your biases only on character and open yourself up to people who are different from you, you open yourself up to a much wider world. You broaden your outlook, widen your vision, and open yourself up to a broader range of ideas that might add benefit to your life.
With knowledge comes empowerment.
When bullies order the target around, they deny his/her equality and autonomy. Instead of respectfully asking for what they want, bullies only bark off orders as if the target were their subordinate or subject. Proverbially, this is how bullies claim ownership of the person. Understand that bullies don’t have to be bosses or authority to order you around.
Here are some examples of orders and what you can say to counter them:
“Get (your ass) in here!”
“Screw you!”
“Come back here now!”
“Or what?”
“Clean this (shit) up!”
“YOU clean it up!”
“Don’t walk away from me!”
“I just did!”
“You’re not leaving!”
“Watch me!”
“I wanna talk to you!”
“Get lost!”
“I’ve got a bone to pick with you!”
“Drop dead!”
“Pick that up!”
“Up yours!”
“Sit down!”
“YOU sit down!”
“Shut up!”
“YOU shut up!”
“Move!”
“YOU move!”
Understand that no one has the right to give you orders other than your boss, teachers or your mother. And if a classmate or coworker steps over the line and barks off an order, it’s as simple as saying, “I don’t take orders.”
The trick is to counter the order. It’s the only way to maintain your autonomy, self-esteem and keep feeling good about yourself.
Have you noticed how bullies always seem to make “you” statements? You this, and you that; “you always” this, and “you never” that. You, you, you! The thing is, these statements are so transparent and so telling. They speak volumes about the bullies and nothing about the target because they are hallmarks of the typical abuser- accusation, and blame.
Here are a few common you-statements bullies make.
“You lie all the time!”
“You always bitch and complain about everything!”
“You’re (stupid, ugly, crazy, a liar, a wuss, etc.)!”
“You can’t leave well enough alone!”
“You’re a chicken!”
“You couldn’t find your ass with both hands!”
“You’ll never amount to anything!”
“You just keep pushing it!”
“You’re always trying to start something!”
“You always blow everything out of proportion!”
“You bring it all on yourself!”
“You always have to screw everything up!”
And the list is endless.
Know that these you-statements are designed to tear you down and keep you there. They’re meant to strip you of your rights as a human being, your dignity, your autonomy, your joy, your pride, all of which is your personal power.
You must counter them, then turn them around on the bully. How to do this is by simply saying, “No I’m not, YOU are!” or “No I don’t! YOU do!” Then dismiss the bully and walk away.
The bully might argue back but the important thing is that you’ve made your point. And you walk away and leave the bully standing there running their mouth and looking desperate and stupid.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Bullies are notorious for abusing their targets, then turning around and discounting their normal, understandable, and justifiable sadness, fear, anger, and depression that result as a direct cause.
But understand the subtext of your bullies’ actions and discounting of your pain-
“Your feelings mean nothing.”
“Your pain and suffering aren’t real and don’t matter.”
“You’re not allowed to be sad, angry, scared, or depressed when we abuse you.”
When bullies discount your pain and suffering, they may make statements such as:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re such a crybaby.”
“Can’t you take a joke?”
“You’re jumping to conclusions.”
“You’re blowing everything out of proportion.”
“You’re always on the defensive.”
“You’re taking stuff too seriously.”
“It’s only in your imagination.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re always trying to start something.”
“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
…and the list goes on
The target may wonder why it is that he’s always in the wrong when he doesn’t mean to be. Understand that this is victim-blaming. And the bullies must blame you to keep from having to take responsibility for their behavior.
If nothing else, remember this:
You always know when something doesn’t feel good. So never doubt what you feel. Never second guess what you feel in your gut. Always listen to that jab in the pit of your stomach because your body never lies.
Then respond accordingly.
In most cases, bullies have the benefit of followers and bystanders covering for them when they terrorize and brutalize their targets. Targets, on the other hand, get no leniency whatsoever, so, they must make extra efforts to keep their hands clean because, unlike the bullies, they can’t afford to break any rules. IF targets dare to engage in the same behaviors the bullies do, they’d quickly be fired, expelled, prosecuted, or worse, killed.
What targets are severely punished for bullies get away with. You see it all the time- in the schools, workplaces, and communities. For a target of bullying, there’s no margin for error. Targets don’t have the benefit of a cheering section. And if bullies can’t find anything to hold against the target, they’ll make something up.
Understand that bullies and their enablers don’t play by the same rules. When bullies engage in bad behavior, people are silent, and the bullies are exempt from accountability. While bullies get a pass for the worst behaviors, targets are persecuted for perceived or made up slights or normal human errors that anyone could make.
Realize that this is a clear-cut example of “bully privilege” and it’s real. It’s been around since the beginning of time.
During the Medieval Period, kings had scapegoats who were blamed for mistakes and wrongdoing- scapegoats, who were executed. If targets expect to defend themselves properly, they must stop being so shocked about it and realize that such things exist.
Targets must prepare and stop being blindsided because it will only throw them off balance and hinder their ability to think properly.
Realize that we live in a fallen world and one that isn’t just. Also, understand that nothing is impossible and that we should expect the unexpected.
Only then will you be able to come up with a strategy and protect yourself more effectively.
Conditioning happens when others brainwash and train you to believe something. It’s how evil and terrible abuses get “normalized.” When you’re a target of bullying, bullies will try to condition you to roll over and take their abuse.
Conditioning doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow, incremental, bit-by-tiny-bit process that can also be soft and subtle. So, how do you know your bullies have conditioned you?
You know by the feelings you have.
1. If you feel guilty for speaking out and reporting bullying to authority, your bullies have conditioned you.
2. If you feel that the bullying is your fault, your bullies have conditioned you.
3. If you feel like a mean and cruel person for standing up for yourself, your bullies have conditioned you.
4. If you feel guilty about saying no to anyone, your bullies have conditioned you.
Are you angry yet?
What are the statements bullies use to condition you? And what do those statements condition you to think and feel? Let’s find out:
1.“Bullying is a rite of passage that everyone goes through.”
This statement conditions you to believe that bullying is normal. But it’s anything but! Bullying is sick, perverse, and damaging to the target. So, say, “Oh no, it’s not!” And be very firm when you say it.
2.“You ‘made me’ hit you!”
This statement conditions you to believe that bully’s despicable behavior is your fault- that you somehow caused the bully to get out of line and that you deserved what you got. Again, this is a blatant lie! No one deserves bullying and abuse. You have a right to feel and be safe. Therefore, you counter the bully’s statement by saying, “No, I did not!” And say it with full conviction!
3.“You had it coming!”
“You asked for it!”
“You bring it all on yourself!”
Again, these statements condition you to believe that you’re to blame for the bullies’ horrid behavior, that their evil actions are your fault, and that you deserved it. NOT true! Remember that bullying is abuse, and no one deserves it. Say, “No, I didn’t!” or “No, I don’t, and you know it!” Be stern!
4. “You’re always trying to start something!”
“You’re always making waves.”
“Don’t rock the boat!”
“You’re always making trouble!”
“You just keep pushing it!”
“Don’t push it!”
Again, these are lies and ways to deceive you into silence. Don’t’ fall for it. Counter the bully’s claims and always, always do it with a tone of conviction.
5. “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill!”
“You’re making something out of nothing!”
“You’re a crybaby!”
“You’re a liar!”
“You’re crazy!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
All lies. Counter with “No, I’m not!” or “I know exactly what I’m talking about! I know what you’re trying to do, and I won’t accept it!”
Understand that you’ll hear these statements anytime you attempt to set boundaries and stand up to bullying and abuse. Bullies hate it when you stand against them. Most would cut off their right arm before they’d ever admit to any wrongdoing.
Don’t let it deter you. Keep standing up. Keep defending yourself. Keep taking care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. All you have is you. In a situation of bullying, all you have is your voice. Use it! Don’t lose it!
But realize that if the bullies resist (and they more than likely will) and don’t respect your commands for them to stop the abuse, go away and leave you alone, it isn’t your fault nor your responsibility.
It isn’t because you weren’t firm enough, and it isn’t because you aren’t any good at standing up for or defending yourself. It’s because your bullies are a bunch of pathetic, self-entitled turds who think the rest of the world should bow down and kiss their asses. Nothing more.
Don’t fall for their power plays. Stand up, stand tall, and stand firm no matter what.
The more you know, the more power you have!
That’s right. And bullies will do it purposefully and for a reason. They put you on the defense to make you look “defensive” because they know that defensiveness makes a person look guilty. I’ll give you a few scenarios:
Scenario 1.
You’re a target, and the bullies go around telling others that you’re going to start a fight sooner or later. They also claim to know how you’re going to provoke the brawl and talk about that possibility as well. Even stranger is that these bullies are so confident in saying these things. They’re so sure that what they say is going to happen. It gets back to you, and you can’t understand why they’re making such outrageous and unknowable predictions.
But understand that this shouldn’t sound so strange and shouldn’t be so bewildering to you. No. What it should be is a WARNING to you! Allow me to continue.
Sure enough, one of the bullies slyly baits you and provokes you to fight back in self-defense. When you’re lured into a fight and call it out as it happened, everyone else sees you as too defensive. The bullies then stand back, snicker, and say,
“’ See? What did we tell you? We told you he/she was going to start a fight! And he/she did! We tried to warn you! And now, he/she just revealed how he did in attempting to turn it back on us!”
People then blame you for it and accuse you of being one who won’t take responsibility.
Let me elaborate:
Any time the bullies make such predictions should serve as a warning to you. It should warn you that something is going on behind the scenes.
It should tell you that what is really happening here is that the bullies are the ones plotting to provoke you into a physical altercation. Yes! You read this correctly! While the bullies are making such wild predictions about you, they’re setting everything up to happen exactly how they’re predicting so they can turn around and say, “See? We told you so! If so and so wasn’t guilty, he/she wouldn’t be denying and explaining it so vehemently!
And the more you plead your innocence and tell the truth that it was the bullies who provoked you, the more they and everyone else scream that you started the fight and that you’re only trying to avoid responsibility. Thus, the guiltier you look.
It shouldn’t be this easy, but it is!
Realize that this kind of deception is so easy to pull off, it shouldn’t work! But it does!
That’s why it pays to recognize when bullies unknowingly give themselves away and to take steps to thwart them somehow. And the best way is to call it out in front of an audience. Or better, you could say this,
“With that statement, you just busted yourselves, and you’re too stupid to realize it.”
And say it without elaborating on it any further. Because you’ll shock the crap out of your bullies and make them wonder how it is that you think they busted themselves. They may even ask you about it, but you don’t have to tell them. You can just smile and say, “I just do,” and keep walking. That reaction alone will throw your bullies off balance and make them a little sweaty!
But do this only if the bullies aren’t your bosses or any member of an authority, of course. In these cases, it’s best to keep your thoughts to yourself.