It’s because they feel dirty. That’s right! Any time bullies and abusers must face the reality of any past abuse they may have inflicted on someone else, deep down inside, though they would never admit it to themselves much less you or anyone else, they feel like a piece of scum. And in order to not feel dirty, they must live in denial of what they did. It’s the only way they can bury their sins and still feel good about themselves.
My former classmates who bullied me, are no different. Denial is a useful psychological defense, and it does have benefits.
Many bullies deny their abuse because of their hatred for the victim, and they wish to reduce sympathy and support for the victim. They will claim that the violence a victim speaks of is either invented or exaggerated to either get attention or to make others feel sorry for him/her.
Sometimes, even bystanders and witnesses will side with the bullies and deny the abuse to keep from being bullied themselves or because they too have a secret hatred for the victim. Bystanders and witnesses may also want the bullying of the victim to continue for entertainment purposes. Believe it or not, many witnesses to the abuse enjoy seeing the victim get bullied because, to them, it is a source of entertainment and makes them feel superior to somebody.
Also, bystanders may feel dirty as well because they know they didn’t speak out for the victim when they should have, or the bullying may be something they would like to have done to the victim themselves but didn’t have the guts.
Understand that the psyches and egos of humans are very fragile, even those of bullies. So, any time your abuser denies any abuse they know they dished out to you in the past, you don’t have to feel angry or insulted. You don’t have to try and force them to fess up. Because just knowing why they deny it and the nastiness they feel inside when they see you should be enough satisfaction.
So, if you’re a survivor of bullying and anytime you’re out shopping, and see one of the people who bullied you in the past; and you immediately notice how they turn and walk away or avoid looking at you. Know why they do that and feel good about it.
I can tell you that most of my classmates can’t face me today. They cannot bear to look at me because they know what they did, and they feel so dirty. I am a reminder of what they never want to see in themselves, and I always provoke feelings of shame in them. Therefore, I can’t get angry at them, nor feel insulted. There’s no need for revenge, nor to hate them because, in the end, they are the ones who must live with what they did.
Always remember that!
This is true. I know someone close to me who was bullied as a kid and even in her 30’s she’s had to go to therapy for it. Her old bully messaged her this year and said “I wanted to apologize if I ever made your high school experience less than great, unintentionally or intentionally”. And it didn’t feel like a sincere apology. Apparently this person’s own child is now being bullied so I think she felt guilty for how she treated another child when she was a kid. The only real apology is a sincere one. But at least she was starting to take ownership for it. Bullying is cruel for all children.
My heart breaks for her, Sara. And I agree with you and her. The tone of the apology isn’t very sincere. Notice that the bully said, “I wanted to apologize ‘IF’…” There are no “ifs”. The bully did make her high school experience less than great, and she knows it. And the “unintentionally or intentionally” part is hogwash too. It was intentional. Bullying is intentional. And I’m glad your loved one saw through it. Please assure her that there was nothing wrong with her and none of the abuse she endured was a reflection on her. It was only a reflection of the bully’s own mental health issues.
God bless you, Sara.
That’s such a good point. It was the “if” and also she hinted that some of what she did was unintentional, but she knew what she was doing. You’re right about the bully. She was apparently mistreated by a group of girls coming to that school and sadly she has to picky on my sister. 🙁
Absolutely, Sara! Inside, the bulky feels like a scumbag and she only send that message to ease her own guilty conscience- a guilty conscience she probably would never have if her own child wasn’t being bullied. The message just reeked of self-servitude.
That’s so true. It felt like she was trying to get some kind of absolution rather than sincerely wanting to apologize. :S
Exactly 💯
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Insightful and so very true, C
Thank you so much Cheryl! Blessings, sweetie! 💖
Really powerful!
Thank you 😊 Much appreciated! 😍
Blessings.
Is there a chance someone might have been a bully and not recognize it? Not out of denial but sheer ignorance?
I can be a stubborn person, with a low tolerance for bs in my fellow man.
Oh yes, there’s always that chance. Most bullies know what they do and deny it. But there are a few who don’t realize it and when they do, they apologize.
Well done to you Cherie! I’ll probably never see my bullies again and I am quite happy with that.
Thank you so much, Michael. Some people are better left behind. 💯🎯