Know that we care and that we’re praying for you, Texas! đđ
Month: May 2022
Define Yourself or Other People Will Do It for You
Bullies may think they know you, and they may attempt to define who you are, but only you know the definition of who you are. By having the audacity to tell us who we are, not only to bullies attempt to force us to replace our thoughts of ourselves with theirs, they also try to play God.
In doing this, bullies also want to force us to deny our beliefs and convictions, and ultimately, deny ourselves. They want us to tell ourselves that what they did to us was all in our minds and only make-believe when it is they who are in a world of make-believe.
Understand that to accept someone elseâs definition of you; you must discard your own. When we allow bullies to dictate our inner reality, we lose bits and pieces of ourselves. Also, little by little, we lose awareness of our emotions each time we allow them to do it and eventually grow numb.
For example, when we cry about a legitimate hurt that cuts us to the core, bullies will often invalidate the pain we feel and replace it with their perceptions of it.
They do it by making these biting statements:
âIt isnât that serious!â
âYouâre too sensitive!â
âOh, boo-friggin-hoo! Youâre just a little cry baby trying to get attention!â
 âGrow up!â
 âPut your big-girl panties on!â
âGet over it!â
Understand that when you feel sadness, you feel sadness, and when youâre angry, youâre angry, and you should allow yourself and be allowed to feel those emotions. No one has a right to tell you how to feel. Ever!
In making these types of statements and accusations, bullies cause many targets to feel guilty for being a human being- for being a person. But realize that bullies donât see you as a person with thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and convictions of your own. They see you as an abject- a robot they can control.
Bullies donât see you as an independent and separate being. They see you as a subject who’s only here for their purpose, pleasure, and entertainment. In their minds, your sole purpose on earth is to make them feel powerful. Nothing more. So, instead of allowing you to own your truth, bullies will tell you what your truth is- or should be. And theyâll force-feed it to you and cram it down your throat.
Therefore, this is the kind of response you should expect from bullies.
And if youâre not careful, youâll allow their statements to overtake you and, in that, allow their perceptions to replace yours. Youâll begin to see yourself through their eyes until you let them blind you to your true nature. Youâll slowly lose sight of yourself until you donât know who you are anymore.
Even worse, youâll lose the intuition that theyâre abusing you and will no longer know when to protect yourself- youâll grow numb to the abuse. Realize that this is how bullies and abusers train you not to defend yourself, and once they succeed, they then have you right where they want you- this is how bullies slowly and subtly take the fight out of targets and render them pacifists.
Understand that you must muster the strength to withstand your bulliesâ attacks, do all you can to maintain your sense of self, and refuse to accept your bulliesâ opinions and definitions of you. Never allow others to trick you into believing that they know you better than you know yourself. The truth is that you know yourself better than anyone else in the entire world because youâre the only one other than God who lives inside you.
Realize that bullies are persistent, so targets must maintain their sense of self and their clarity of who they are. Your beliefs, convictions, likes, dislikes, preferences, authenticity, autonomy, and your ability to decide when something doesnât feel good add up to equal your definition and your truth.
Your self-definition, sense of self, self-belief, autonomy, confidence, self-esteem are like precious gems, and you must guard them against thieves who wish to take them.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
What Are The Far-Reaching Consequences of School Bullying and Mobbing?
How many lives could’ve been saved if we’d spoken up sooner?
For years, everyone saw bullies picking on and ganging up on targets- they saw it on the playground, the hallways, the gym, the locker room, the bathrooms, the classrooms, and on the school bus and the target was driven to act out in violence.
No one cared about any of the bullying until targets started taking matters into their own hands- more appropriately, until they started bringing guns to school and blowing their bullies away, committing suicide, or both.
Itâs a shame that people had to die before we finally began to take bullying seriously. Being treated like an object for too long, instead of a living, breathing, and feeling human being can make one enraged enough to want to kill or desperate enough to escape the torment by any means (suicide).
Thankfully, not all who suffer repeated and patterned bullying and mobbing commit homicide or suicide. Most targets suffer in silence. They live depressed, isolated, bewildered, and confused because theyâve had their self-confidence stripped away. In that, theyâre prevented from realizing their full potential and capabilities.
Many children and teens are terrified of getting on the school bus and many more stay silent for fear of retribution. Young targets endure torment others cannot possibly comprehend and much of the wounds and bruises are unseen. Just because someone isnât bludgeoned, bruised, and bloodied on the outside doesnât mean they arenât they aren’t so inside. Physical wounds can be seen but wounds to the soul can’t.
Bullying and mobbing leave permanent scars. Even after time has gone by, the memories are still fresh. In fact, theyâre so deeply entrenched that even decades later, targets can still remember the names of those who instigated the mobbing, those who joined in and partook in it, those who encouraged it, and those who pretended to be their friends but didnât have their back and refused to help them.
As a survivor of school bullying and mobbing myself, I can tell you that I remember the names of every single one of my classmates who fell in the above categories, one of whom I thought was a close friend. I only recently stopped talking to this woman and was a fool not to have kicked her sorry butt to the curb years ago.
Every survivor Iâve ever spoken too remembers these things specifically.
Understand that when a child or teen is bullied and mobbed by virtually everyone, minor occurrences of ridicule, name-calling, and shunning may occur. However, things such as these build up over time.
What ends up breaking and killing the targetâs spirit and self-image is the accumulation of so many incidences of so many classmates brutally bullying her and the fact that the abuse comes from everyone and from every direction.
But I guarantee that if you were to tell each of the targetâs classmates what they were doing and tell them of the damage they had done to that targeted child, they would either deny it or respond with, âBut all I did wasâŚ!â
Again, these âlittle attacksâ come from many, many directions and over a long period of time against the same person- this is one of the biggest hallmarks of mobbing.
Iâve asked other survivors of school bullying and mobbing why they think their classmates mobbed them and not one of them knows why. Each one of these people, even decades later, wonder what they did to encourage their schoolmates to gang up on them and torment them the way that they did.
I always tell them that they did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment and that they should never blame themselves for their classmatesâ atrocious behavior.
During my years of research on bullying and mobbing, Iâve learned that mobbing is always caused by a trivial conflict thatâs not even personal but somehow, becomes personal later. The origins of mobbing can be anything- a potential target is a new student at the school, or the potential target says something that isnât necessarily bad but rubs the wrong kids the wrong way.
Maybe the potential target is different, or maybe the child is highly intelligent to the point of overshadowing members of the top clique. It could be that the potential target brags about something and ticks off the rest of the class, or wears clothes that are out of fashion and the bullies use it as an excuse to torment the kid.
And long after the initial cause of the bullying is over and forgotten, the bullying continues.
Understand that if you were to ask bullies why they mobbed and tormented a certain individual, they either wouldnât know the reason, or they would give an answer that doesnât make a lick of sense.
Therefore, targets and survivors alike must realize that the mobbing and bullying they presently struggle with or endured in the past was never about anything they said or did. It was never about them. It was always about their bulliesâ own mental health issues. It was about the bulliesâ senses of self-entitlement, their insecurities, feelings of self-loathing, and intense jealousy.
And once they realize these things, their self-esteem wonât take such a big hit.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Good Music, a Glass of Wine, and My Keyboard
There’s nothing like blogging with good, upbeat, but relaxing music playing and a glass of wine to sip on. It helps a blogger chillax and unwind, at the same time, it lifts the mood and takes you back in time.
Tonight’s mood is for 90’s slow jams and dance! Here’s the blogging playlist for the night:
“Get Away” by Bobby Brown
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw-mTmCh5jU
“Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number” by Aaliyah
“Treat U Right” by Angela Winbush
“Be Happy” by Mary J. Blige
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyO5bDFgzlc
“Betcha’ll Never Find” Chantay Savage
“Back & Forth” by Aaliyah
“Freak Like Me” by Adina Howard
“Because of Love” by Janet Jackson
“Is it Good to You” by Heavy D & The Boyz
“I Belong to You” by Toni Braxton
Music is the best anti-depressant there is! It takes your blues away!
You can blog to the beat and even take lots of dance breaks! Here’s a version of “I belong to you” that I absolutely love to dance to! The 90’s were an awesome decade when music and movies peaked before they began to decline around the turn of the millennium.
The 90’s will always hold a special place in my heart- It was the decade of great prosperity, the decade all my children were born, the decade of shows like “Friends,” “Living Single,” “Beverly Hills 90210,” and “Melrose Place.”
If only we had a time machine!
6 Ways to Remain Standing in Your Truth When You’re a Target of Bullying
If you’re a target of bullying, I want you to know that you do not have to accept the bullies’ lies as the truth because their truth (opinion) isn’t your truth. Understand that you are the only one in charge of your mind, body, and your life. You have the freedom to accept or reject the gawdawful messages your bullies may give you. You are the gatekeeper to your mind and spirit, and you can either take in or kick out the insults and attacks with which they bombard you.
So, how do you successfully kick out the junk bullies try to drum into your head?
1. By refusing to accept their garbage as truth. And you do this by seeing the attacks for what they are â lies. By judging you, bullies proverbially claim to have the ability to read your mind and to be privy to your inner world. In essence, they’re only playing God because they claim to know the unknowable.
2. By knowing your worth. Always know that you’re much better than what your peers may say you are. Realize that their lies and opinions are worthless, so don’t add any value to them. Remember that they can only insult you if you don’t value their opinions.
3. By making positive affirmations with âI AMâ statements every day. Sometimes you must look at your reflection in the mirror each morning and make affirmations to yourself. âI AM a good person,â âI AM smart,â âI AM worthy of love and friendshipâ⌠If youâre a target of severe bullying, doing this may feel strange at first but youâll be surprised at how much better about yourself youâll feel.
4. By countering the bulliesâ attacks. Itâs as simple as saying, âNo Iâm not,â when a bully tells you that youâre worthless, ugly, lazy, etc. Always counter any name-calling, insults, and negativity.
5. By saying ânoâ and asserting yourself. If any of your bullies make any demands of you. You have every right to say no and walk away. Even if theyâre putting on the nice act and asking you to do something, you still have that right. Understand that when bullies suddenly turn nice and sweet, you can bet theyâre only trying to manipulate you. Also, when they attack you, tell them in no uncertain terms that what theyâre doing is unacceptable and that you wonât tolerate it. And there are many ways you can tell them. Anytime youâre assertive, you not only place value on yourself but give the message that there will be consequences if they violate your physical or psychological boundaries.
6. By re-enforcing your truth if bullies deny their abuse of you or try to blame you for it. Itâs as simple as saying, âYes you did.â If bullies deny they attacked you when you know darn well that he/she did, in fact, attack you. Itâs also as simple as saying, âDonât give me that crap,â if bullies try to blame you for their abuse, rationalize their behavior or justify themselves.
Remember! No one can tell you your truth but you. Bullies may take your good name, your opportunities, your physical health, and yes, even your life.
But they can never take your mind from you if you donât let them. Bullies may try to tell you what to say and do, but they can never tell you what to think.
Your thoughts are the freest commodity you have! And they hold enormous power!
With knowledge comes empowerment!
You Should Always Address Bullying in The Early Stages. Here’s Why:
My grandmother once told me this: âNever. And I mean never let anyone get comfortable with abusing and mistreating you.â
She was right. By the time she gave me that little gold nugget of wisdom, it was already too late. I was in high school and had been a target of bullying since moving to *Oakley School District in the sixth grade. But right then, I understood what my very wise grandmother meant and why she gave me that advice.
Hereâs what Uma (what I called my maternal grandmother) had already known by being a people-watcher and very good at people-reading:
Once the mistreatment of a person has gone on for so long, the people around them get comfortable with mistreating that person. They grow so accustomed to being cruel to the person that they donât even think about, nor do they care about how they hurt that person. Even worse, they come to expect the target the take the abuse without question, without talking back, speaking about it, and without defending themselves.
Put another way, if a target firmly stands up to bad treatment in the early stages of being targeted, itâs more likely that others will respect his right to be treated well and either leave him alone or began treating him better.
Whereas, if the target lets the bullying go on for a long time, then begins to stand up for himself after getting fed up with being everyoneâs doormat, others will more than likely be only angry and resentful of the person for daring to open his mouth about it. They will then double down in their abuse or eliminate him somehow.
Once a person gets comfortable in mistreating you, itâs much more difficult to fight. Therefore, always speak out the moment the bullying begins. Never let it go on for any length of time. The sooner you do, the easier it will be to assert your rights and avoid retaliation.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
5 Myths About Bullying We Need to Be Aware of
Myths are often mistaken for fact and obscure peopleâs judgment. They can also blind us to bullying behavior, even when itâs happening right in front of our faces. Myths can even make it hard for a person to know when someone is abusing them.
Here are a few myths to be aware of:
Myth 1. Targets are weak losers who deserve bullying. People suffering at the hands of bullies are not weak, nor are they losers. In the past decade or so, we have found that bullies target mostly those who are good people with hearts of gold. Bullies are evil people who perceive goodness, kindness, and generosity as weaknesses. Therefore, they target people who have these qualities.
Also, bullies go after those who are multi-talented and star achievers and performers. Understand that bullies perceive these people to be a threat to their power. Why? Because one-upmanship is a way that bullies can feel powerful.
When high-achieving targets outshine bullies, especially bullies who are narcissists, they unwittingly provoke jealousy and narcissistic rage in the bullies, and they will pull out all the stops to make them pay and set them up to fail. If nothing else, understand this! Bullies hate to be outshone, outdone, or beaten at anything!
Nobody deserves bullying. Ever! Bullying is harmful and can destroy someoneâs life.
Myth 2. Bullies are brave, strong, cool, exciting, and in control. Ha! Bullies are the opposite of these things. Let me break it down for you:
Bullies are brave. Nope! Bullies are great, big cowards! Theyâre only good at hiding it. Bullies live by the motto that strength comes in numbers, so they run around in packs- hiding their cowardice behind groups of sycophants or flying monkeys.
You will never catch a bully alone because a bully doesnât know how to stand alone. The followers of the bullies are there to back them up and do their dirty work. Bullies get their power from an entourage. Without their wing-men to cover them, they would be powerless.
Bullies are strong. ‘Taint so! Bullies are weak, they only high it by aggression, loudness, and false bravado. They instill unnecessary fear into their targets. Understand that bullies draw their power from the fear they instill in others. Bullies are notorious bluffs, blowhards, and windbags. The tough act they put on is a way they hide their weakness.
Bullies are cool. Au contraire! Bullies are pathetic. They bluff, they posture, and theyâre notorious one-uppers. They always have to be king of the hill and better than anyone else. All of this is a sign of insecurity and self-loathing. Because if they were secure in themselves, they wouldnât resort to that buffoonery.
 Bullies are exciting. They may seem exciting at first, but they get boring pretty quick. Because theyâll talk incessantly about themselves, brag, and showboat until youâll want to chew off your own arm just to get away from them. Also, they wonât be so exciting when they turn on you.
 Bullies are in control: Really? Is that what you want to call it? UmâŚnot! Bullies canât even control themselves and their own pathetic lives. So, they seek to control others in order to feel powerful. And in doing that, they not only create targets, but they also create enemies who hate them with a passion.
If youâre a bully, you may only control someone to a certain degree by putting the fear of God in them, but youâll never control what they think of you and how they feel about you. Because the mind and thoughts are free. And if you run across a person who has a strong sense of self and doesnât fall for your guff, what are you going to do then?
Myth 3. âBullying is a normal rite of passage that all kids endure.â Not so. Thereâs nothing normal about bullying. Itâs perverse, twisted, and sick. Bullying only speaks volumes of the mental imbalance and lack of character of the bully and is never a reflection of the target. Bullying is always a reflection of the bullyâs arrogance, cowardice, insecurity, jealousy, and hidden rage. And the more we learn about the issue of bullying, the more evidence we seem to get that supports this.
Myth 4. Bullying builds character. No, it doesnât. It tears it down or suppresses it, rendering targets afraid to relax, be themselves, and feel safe.
Myth 5. Bullying is only Darwinism, Natural Selection, or Survival of the Fittest. It may be a dark part of human nature, but a reason doesnât equal an excuse. Bullies and their enablers often use this little line as an excuse to normalize their despicable and pathetic behavior.
Itâs important to dispel and not to fall for these myths. Never blame yourself for other peopleâs crappy behavior. Hold on to your truth. And if anyone rattles off any of the above lines to you when you speak out against bullying, counter them and do it with conviction.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Personal Story of How I Turned One of My Fiercest of Bullies into The Greatest of Friends
Shelly (not her real name) had been one of my most vicious of bullies during school. Every time we passed one another in the halls, at a ballgame, anywhere and we would not hesitate to exchange nasty sentiments as we passed, “Bitch!”, “Whore!” “Skank!”. Thinking up ways to degrade and slut-shame each other was always a top priority during these little meetings.
Fast-forward twenty years, in late 2007, I went to a karaoke show, which was held in the Moose Lodge club on the outskirts of town to celebrate my recently having the courage to break off what had been a 2 1/2 year-long abusive relationship. I hadn’t known my own strength until this point, and I was ready for a fun girl’s night out.
When I arrived at the Moose Lodge with a few friends in tow, the first word I heard was, “Oh my God! Not that bitch!” Honestly, I thought the verbal assault was directed at someone else until I looked up and saw her. There Shelly stood, pool cue in one hand, the other hand resting on her boyfriend’s back as her eyes and brows narrowed into little slits in her face and bore into me like a sharp object.
I had not seen her in so many years and wondered how it was that she’d managed to drag around so much hate for so many years when I had completely forgotten about her amid juggling bills, a job and family, and other adult priorities. But I also discovered that maybe I too had some unresolved hate as well only it was a case of out of sight, out of mind.
I’d soon learn that that night, Shelly was going through the lowest point in her life. Life hadn’t been kind to her.
It seemed that on her part, even twenty years, marriages and children hadn’t been enough to erase the teenage animosity she still held. We lived in a small Southern town, and in small Southern towns, very few people ever forget the past, and it’s very easy for the reputation you once had in your teens to follow you for the rest of your life. Sadly, this is how it is in a small town.
Having always loved music and had vocal talent, I got up and sang one of my favorite songs, and everyone cheered once I was finished. After I sat down, Shelly sat down beside me and was very impressed with my performance. She told me that she admired my voice and that she’d always known I could sing but didn’t know I was that good. At first, I was flabbergasted. This was the first positive remark I’d heard from her, but nevertheless, I was grateful.
I smiled and gave her a gracious “Thank you. It’s good to see you again after all these years.”
We continued to talk, and she took some pictures out of her purse to show me. Pictures of what was her talent- woodwork and paintings, the most beautiful work I’d ever seen. This lady was very talented, and I couldn’t or wouldn’t deny it. I truly loved her work and could not stop looking at those pictures and complimenting her. She truly was an expert at woodworking and oil painting.
It was at that point that the dynamics of our relationship changed for the better. We exchanged phone numbers and soon began calling each other and texting cute little funnies back and forth. Then we began to invite each other to family outings, cookouts, and meetings in town for lunch.
We soon became the greatest of friends, and I grew to truly love this lady. We often talked about how we missed out on what could have been a wonderful friendship years ago.
“Boy! We were stupid back then, weren’t we?” Shelly laughed.
I laughed and readily agreed. She was right. We were dumb kids with big mouths and bad attitudes.
Knowing the past couldn’t be changed, we were content to go from the present and make our friendship as fun and drama-free as possible.
This story’s moral is this: It is always possible to turn a bully or enemy into a friend. Nothing is impossible. All it takes is to break down that wall and show the other person genuine interest. Everybody loves it when you are interested in them, their likes, and how things are going in their livesâeven the coldest and meanest of people.
As humans, we all have a certain degree of selfishness. We all want the same things- to be loved, appreciated, and respected. Everybody has a void waiting to be filled. If we can fill the void- whether it’s by making the person feel loved and respected or giving the person some sense of who they are and where they belong, it can be the difference between gaining a friend or keeping an enemy.
Through our many talks, I found out that this poor lady I thought was so cruel yet totally in control and didn’t need anyone was really a girl who didn’t feel loved by anyone. She was just as sad as I was but had put on a tough exterior. Also, she had suffered incidences of bullying herself; though not as severe as I did, it still hurt her immensely.
Sadly, my beautiful friend Shelly passed away two years ago from cancer. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss her and think of her. I’ll never forget that night at the karaoke club, the night Shelly and I became close friends. And we remained like sisters until the day she died.
By showing her genuine interest, without fakery, I was able to turn one of my most resistant bullies into one of my best friends. And I’m so thankful that we became like sisters and finally found out that the other was really a great person who had been hiding a lot of past hurts and brokenness! I thoroughly enjoyed the time we got to spend together and I miss her…I miss her so much.
Fly high, Shelly! Until we meet again on those golden streets!
Passive-Aggressive Bullies and Their Cowardice
Being bullied by someone whoâs passive-aggressive is the most demeaning and humiliating for a person. I say this because when these types of people insult you, theyâre slick about it.
They catch you off guard, taunting you in such a way that it can be tricky to figure out who itâs aimed at. Sometimes, you donât even know itâs directed at you until itâs way too late for you to deliver a good comeback.
Because the bully may not necessarily address it to you, and while you may be unaware, any bystanders and witnesses nearby will immediately know who the covert nastiness was meant for. Itâs funny how we tend to see so much clearer from the outside.
Whatâs so terrible about this is that the stealthy insults are usually hurled at you in front of an audience and can quickly fly over your head. And you end up looking weak and like a clueless idiot for not catching it in time.
And even though the bullyâs words are vague and unclear, they will still nibble at your self-esteem and take a chunk out of your pride whether you want them to or not. Because you usually figure it out sooner or later. It only goes to prove how vicious these covert attacks can be.
But understand that although the bully and a few others might think he (the bully) is witty or cute and that the creep slapped you with a good burn, there are reasons why these types are so slick with the mouth.
1. Theyâre great big cowards. Passive-aggressive bullies donât have the guts to make a direct attack.
They hope the insults go over your head because they know that if they can confuse you and throw you off-balance, the least likely you are to jab back with a good counter-attack and make them look like a punk.
2. They think it makes them look cute. Passive-aggressiveness is also used to get attention and look intelligent in front of others. These bullies can only achieve this is to humiliate someone else and making them look (and feel) stupid.
3. To stun you and keep you silent. Often, the shock-value of the insults is such that it often leaves the recipient and bystanders speechless. Shock shuts down the ability to think clearly and causes the victim to pause for a second or two.
The target is often left stunned, standing there with their mouths hung open and unable to respond quickly and appropriately. As a result, the person looks slow and feeble-minded in bystanders’ eyes and makes the bully look smart and witty.
It can also strike fear into the target and keep them from speaking out, afraid that the bully will only verbally beat them down with more wisecracks.
4. Easy Deniability. If the insults are vague and indirect, thereâs a higher chance the bully will escape accountability, should the target either catch it right off and either respond to it or report it.
The bully can then more easily misconstrue the message and defensively claim, âOh, thatâs not what I meant,â âNo harm intended,â âI wasnât referring to you,â or âYou took that the wrong way.â
Understand that although the garbage that comes out of their mouths may be vile and directed at you, it will often have several different interpretations. And because of those multiple meanings, the bully can very innocently explain away the put-down and make you look overly-sensitive, paranoid, or mentally unstable.
But hereâs the good news! There are ways to read between the lines and stonewall these lowlife cowards anytime they get slick-mouthed with you.
1. Listen to your gut. If that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach sounds off and you feel weird or that something is off, donât ignore it. Your gut feeling is always right, so go with it!
2. Quickly observe any surrounding bystanders. Make a split-second micro-glance of the witnesses and note their reactions and who theyâre looking at. Notice their facial expressions and gestures. If you see any of these expressions below, and youâre likely to notice many of them together, you are the target of the insult.
a. If the witnessesâ eyes suddenly widen and they immediately look at you funny after the bully opens his mouth
b. If they alternate uncomfortable glances from the bully to you, then back to the bully.
c. If you hear light gasps and grunts of shock from the âaudience.â
d. If you see their whole faces change suddenly and mouths slightly gape open.
e. If you hear soft but derisive giggles, chuckles, or laughter
f. If you see or hear snickering
Any number of these will give you a yes, and you can address the problem accordingly.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Age Pride
I like to take a selfie or two, but not every day
‘Don’t need no Photoshop to erase the wrinkles away
These wrinkles are mine and I’ve earned every line
Every day I get older as I age like fine wine
Every wrinkle is a life-accomplishment and battle scar
There are so many people who don’t make it this far
We’ll all age, wrinkle, and turn grey, that’s just how life goes
Youth and beauty may fade but wisdom and humanity grows
I’d rather grow older than to grow dumber
Too many people think that aging is a bummer
But I beg to differ ’cause, with age, life gets better
And what other people think of me just doesn’t matter
No need to hid my imperfections, I love being me
I love the skin I’m in and my family around me
At this age, I’m happy, satisfied, and free
Having pride in your age is the only way to be
Bullies with Napoleon Complexes
Many bullies in school were insecure because they were short, skinny, or both. To compensate for it, they would try to intimidate others by walking around with a scowl on their faces, or theyâd scream, yell, and talk real tough. I had one particular classmate, Tammy, who was a weak little pipsqueak with a big, strong, mighty mouth. Itâs hilarious when I look back now.
But Iâve found that many of these squirts do this, and thereâs a name for it. Itâs called either the âNapoleon Complexâ or âlittle man syndrome.â
Think âMaddy Webberâ on the new MacGyver reboot.
Understand that their bark is worse than their bite, and they bully as a defense mechanism. Maybe the little ankle-biters at my school gave me a hard time because bigger kids were bullying them. But they would never admit it. So, they took the cowardâs way out and searched for someone they thought was weaker.
Retro Emoji rage anger boiling woman face pop art retro style
They’d come at you with their spitfire tempers and want to try you, then wonder why they got a good whack in the nose. Next, theyâd either run, crying to a teacher, or theyâd go bark up someone elseâs tree.
I was small myself, weighing about 115-120 lbs and only 5â3″-5â4″, but some of these kids were even smaller than I was. Such kids are in every school, and you even have tiny adults who behave the same way at work.
We even had a few short and skinny teachers, and theyâd scream and yell at the students when theyâd get too noisy. I knew of one male English teacher whoâd go nuts- slamming his fists down on his desk, shaking his fists in the air, throwing erasers at students, and screaming like a banshee. We just knew this little guy was a future resident at the state mental hospital.
Even as an adult, Iâve seen different people (especially men) at work who were short and squirrely but would bark loudly, and I couldnât help but think that these men only felt they had to compensate somehow for their stature. Their screaming, cursing, posturing, and jockeying seemed to give them some sense of power.
Iâm not posting this to make fun of little people. Not all of them are like this. As I mentioned earlier, Iâm only 5â4″.
We all come in different sizes and varieties, and we should celebrate those differences. But when you feel you have to bully others to make up for what you perceive in yourself to be a weakness or shortcoming, you only show what a scared little coward you are, and people like me see right through you and only laugh.
Try a little kindness instead. Then when a bigger bully comes for you, we just might come to your defense instead of laughing at you.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
It’s Always Better to Keep Your Plans Secret!
This is for everyone, but especially if you’re a target of bullying. Many people trumpet their goals and dreams. They announce their plans without realizing what ramifications it can bring. And, if you’re a target of bullying, all the more reason why you should keep your plans, goals, and dreams to yourself. Because you have more of a reason to work quietly.
Understand that any time you let your objectives and agendas be known, you place yourself at risk of being sabotaged and of having your plans derailed by a bully who is just waiting, with bated breath, to destroy you.
You must realize that not everyone wants you to succeed. Why? Because your success would force them to reflect on their own person failures and shortcomings. And, if you’re a target of bullying, your bullies will be damned before they allow someone they see as inferior- you-Â to reach success and overshadow them.
Bullies consider any success you enjoy as a personal affront. Any time you achieve a goal, you score a win, and when you score a win, you force your bullies into a place of lesser power.
Why, because it’s you who gets the recognition, praise, and glory- not your bullies and they know it! You force them into the shadows while you get to shine and be recognized for your accomplishments. This infuriates your bullies because they aren’t the ones in the spotlight!
Understand that the one thing bullies crave most is attention and adoration and when they find that you’re getting more of those things than they are, it’s Katie bar the door!
Naturally, they will launch all sorts of attacks against you, make all sorts of accusations, even bring up the mistakes of your past to drive you back in the shade. But see through it and stay above it. They only do it because their power has been threatened and when a bully is threatened with losing their power and being driven into obscurity, they reveal their true colors.
Therefore, you force them to expose themselves and their evil personalities. So, how do you handle this?
You handle it by simply staying above it- by not reacting to the bullies’ foolishness. You deal with their abuse by continuing to enjoy your wins and successes and letting them stew in their own juices. Put simpler, just let them talk. Let them launch all the personal attacks they desire as they seethe themselves into a ball of madness!
Because when they act out and spew nonsense against you, they only dig their own graves.
But, again, in the meantime, work quietly and stealthily until you reach your goals and successes. The more quietly you work, the less interference you’ll have from bullies and a few other toxic life-suckers and the less roadblocks you will run into along the way. And once you reach your goals, then you can bask in it, and with it, give your bullies the surprise of their lives.
“Your journey is silent, but your destination will be loud.”
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Targets Never Become Targets Overnight
Be very careful. Any time bullies select a potential target, they start out subtle and sweet with their bullying. They test the waters first- always. If the target overlooks their behavior, they move on to more obvious verbal abuse.
Hereâs what verbal abuse does. It conditions the target to put up with abuse without them even knowing it. And bullies do it in tiny bites.
The target is unaware of the incremental, bit-by-tiny-bit eroding of their self-esteem. Because the process is so slow, it’s barely noticeable until it’s gone so far that it’s out of control. And by then, it’s too late.
Before long, the target is then blamed for the bulliesâ bad behavior and is now a victim. Understand that the motto of bullies is, âmight makes right.â
The best way to empower yourself is by paying attention to the vibes others put out, how you feel, maintaining a sense of your own worth, and by seeing verbal bullying for what it is.
I learned about Power Over and Personal Power when I read the book, âThe Verbally Abusive Relationship,â by Patricia Evans about ten years ago.
In short, power over is what abusers use to lord over their targets and bullies are no exception here. And most bullies are desperate to keep that power because itâs the only power they can have. If thereâs no target to have power over, one is created.
In her book, Patricia describes power over as the type of power that has clear winners and losers.
âPower over shows up as control and dominance. Personal power shows up as mutuality and co-creation.â (2010, Patricia Evans âThe Verbally Abusive Relationship,â p. 27)
Hereâs Patriciaâs explanation of personal power:
âPersonal power is another way of experiencing power, one which doesnât need winners and losers., dominant people and subordinates, and which doesnât require power over an âother.â Personal power works by mutuality and co-creation and may be considered a new way of being in and perceiving the world.â (2010, Patricia Evans âThe Verbally Abusive Relationship,â p. 29 para 4)
Understand that bullying is bullying whether it comes in the form of spousal abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, workplace and school abuse, or abuse of power and government tyranny. It all comes from the desire to have power over. Itâs all abuse, itâs all bullying and every type of it starts out subtle- so subtle that you wonât even recognize whatâs happening if you arenât paying attention.
When we learn to recognize the subtleties, we will better be able to protect ourselves. And how we recognize subtleties is by observing and listening. We must observe body language, listen for the subtext, listen to our gut instinct, and pay close attention to how the actions of others make us feel.
And once we do, weâll be better able to call out the behavior and spare our self-esteem from being slowly chipped away. In that, weâll be better able to hold on to our personal power and live happier and more peaceful lives.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
How I Compensated for Being a Target of Bullying
So many targets today can easily relate to my story. With that said, I want to tell you that if you are or have been a target of school bullies, you are not alone and, with a little inner work, you will eventually overcome your tormentors just like I did.
I was one of those targets who rebelled against the bullies and fought back. To keep my self-esteem from completely tanking, I dressed my absolute best, but still it was not good enough for me. I wanted to dress like a million bucks for school. Clothes from Walmart weren’t good enough. I had to go to the mall, Cato, Tempo, Mauriceâs, or Hollywoodâs before I was satisfied. I wasn’t happy unless I was dressed to the nines at school.
I felt I had to be well dressed because I was still quite a bit insecure inside. I didn’t feel like I was worth anything unless I was dressed to impress. One of the thoughts which consumed me all during high school was how to dress like a fashionista.
It had a lot to do with how poorly I was being treated and I continued to believe that the better I dressed, the better I would be treated although, the exact opposite would occur. It seemed that my attire was arousing even further hatred and contempt.
Nevertheless, I absolutely had to be dressed in the hottest fashions or I just didn’t feel adequate. The more they put me down, the more I would dress up. I felt that my attire provided me with not only a sense of style but also control.
Some mornings, I’d dress up, look at myself in the mirror and think,
âSo they think I am trash? They must be blind. Does this look like trash? I think not! I know Iâm hot and they are not going to convince me otherwise!â
Does this sound arrogant? Conceited? Maybe. Does this sound downright narcissistic? Perhaps. Was it the right attitude to have? Both yes and no. My defense was to act conceited, like I didn’t need any of them.
This holier-than-thou attitude, however unattractive it might have been, helped me preserve what little self-esteem and dignity I had. It helped me to keep going when things were at their worst. It helped me to keep from being totally brainwashed and reprogrammed by my evil classmates, unlike a good majority of other bullied targets, who, sadly, weren’t that fortunate!
I walked around with my nose in the air and refused to speak to any of them. I had a sassy and smart alicky attitude. I was extremely sarcastic and had a snotty disposition. I even laughed at and bullied others to grab back some power. My attitude stunk – period.
Sure. This attitude could’ve easily gotten me hurt or worse had my bullies known for certain about it. A lot of those girls carried knives, especially those who were from families of criminals and ex-cons, families who were dirt poor or just plain loco. Sadly, that was over half of the student body.
I have no doubt that they would not have thought twice about whipping a blade out and slicing my face with it if they could have gotten me in the right place and I would have had to wear it for life.
However, this arrogance I often displayed was the only way I knew to stay strong and to maintain a little bit of power. I was only a teenager and had not yet fully developed the concrete thinking skills nor the processing ability to handle my situation more objectively. Back then, I was a slave to my emotions and I let them guide me in how I handled people and situations.
Also, I was under a tremendous amount of stress and had been for the last three years. And when anyone, even the most logical and rational person is under a large amount of stress that lasts over a long period of time; memory, emotional regulation, and ability to maintain positive relationships are negatively affected. Therefore, neurologically, I had two strikes against me- a double-whammy.
From the sixth grade, up until I left Oakley, I was constantly in survival mode due to being bullied and had to be in order to protect my personal well-being. To even make it to graduation, I had to be hyper-vigilant to be safe. You must understand that when you are a target of vicious bullies, it is as if you constantly have a target on your back. You are a marked person and you learn very quickly to grow eyes in the back of your head.
And it’s no way to live. Please feel free to comment on your experiences and what you did to cope.
Which Do You Want to Be? A Victim or Victor?
Bad things happen to the best people all the time, and sometimes people get what they donât deserve. Some of the greatest and purest of humans are brutalized. Itâs an unfortunate and sad part of life, and no one ever said that life was fair.
But you can take something from it. You have the choice of being a victim, or you can choose to be an overcomer.
When you’re an overcomer, there’s no greater feeling than knowing how far you’ve come. “You grow through what you go through.”
With knowledge comes empowerment!