Many targets of bullying are filled with self-doubt. However, it isn’t only targets of bullying that suffer this malady. Self-doubt ranks right up there with fear. It’s a close second to it as it kills your dreams and causes you to live in mediocrity. Therefore, fear and self-doubt are the catalysts to life-failure. I don’t want this to happen to you.
So, how do we get rid of self-doubt? And how do we bravely work on our goals and dreams and ultimately, achieve success?
It starts in the mind.
1. Remember how far you’ve come.
2. Remember the battles you’ve fought and won.
3. Remember the fears you’ve faced and overcome.
4. Remember all the bullies and mean people you’ve overcome.
5. Remember all the hurts you’ve come back from.
6. Remember all the things you’ve accomplished- even the tiniest of wins you’ve scored.
Understand that we all come to roadblocks and hit brick walls. We all have our down times and, sadly, sometimes those bumps in the road can cause us to doubt ourselves.
Hey! I just hit mine in the last month and had to take a rest! Yes! Me- the blogger my friend Kym Moore and a few other bloggers like to call “The Energizer Bunny!” But even the Energizer Bunny needs to stop and recharge every now and then.
Again, we all- even the best of us, have periods when we doubt ourselves. The trick is to get up, dust yourself off, and keep pushing on. Rest when you must. And when you rest, take all the time you need to recover. But don’t you dare give into self-doubt and quit.
As mentioned earlier, we all have times when we self-doubt. The difference between those who succeed and those who fail is whether they give up or keep going.
Mike says he appreciates all the prayers and well-wishes. He’s doing better now and it’s not as bad as the doctors originally thought. They are releasing him to go home! Praise God!
Thank goodness the tests came back and he doesn’t have CHF! And his kidneys are functioning much, much better- no kidney failure! He does have a small blood clot in his leg and in the lungs. The doctor has doubled up on his blood thinner dosage to dissolve the clots and they’re not bad enough to warrant surgery.
Just thought I’d give everyone an update. We can’t thank you enough for the prayers! They are working!
For those of you texting, commenting, and asking for updates, I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Things have been hectic lately. Know that although I may not respond straight away, I will get back to you. I love you all! And we can’t thank you enough for all your prayers, love, and well-wishes!
Good morning, my blogger friends and readers. I hope this post finds you all well. Last night, my husband Mike was admitted to the hospital for cellulitis and possible Congestive Heart Failure. He also told us that it looks like Mike also has DVT (Deep Vain Thrombosis) and possible kidney failure.
The good news is that there hasn’t been a confirmed dx yet so we choose to think positive and leave it in the hands of God.
His legs are swollen so badly that the excess fluid is seeping through his skin. Last night his socks and pants legs were soaked through. Please pray for a complete recovery. We know that God is the Greatest Healer.
Greetings everyone. I hope this finds everyone well and in good spirits. I want to let you know that I’m going on a short hiatus. It may be a week, two weeks, a month, or longer.
As you all know, my blog has been attacked and WordPress still has a flag on it for reasons unknown. I have spent weeks trying to get help from the “Happiness Engineers” at tech support and they’ve provided no solutions. I’ve worked on this blog tirelessly for over six years and have only been flagged recently. As a result, I’m unable to like new posts or follow new bloggers and I would very much like to reciprocate the support I get from you all. I feel as if my hands are tied.
And I’m exhausted. Also, I’m having a few health issues as is my husband. Know that this isn’t goodbye, it’s only a rest period until I can recover.
I can’t thank you all enough for your love, your friendship, and your support. Good bless you all. I will see you all in a few months at the most.
Mobbing at work concept, sketch of boss kicking his employee with red heels from behind on chalkboard
Many teachers and school staff often stick targets of mobbing and bullying with labels. They brand them with labels, such as, “trouble,” “difficult,” or “problem child.” This sets the targeted child up to be discriminated against by their school. Therefore, it creates a very hostile and dangerous environment when adults are prejudiced against the poor, kid.
In these types of situations, the target is only bullied worse. Why? Because he/she isn’t afforded the same due process that their classmates get. As a result, the school staff ends up empowering the bullies. Even worse, they end up supporting the bullies, even encouraging them to bully that child.
We must realized that targets may act out due to prolonged bullying and resulting stress.
Let’s face it, no one can withstand the intense pressure of bullying and mobbing for long. A person can only be pushed so far. If you kick a dog long enough, you’ll get bit eventually.
When a target is bullied and mobbed by their classmates, they are forced to submit to horrendous and downright grotesque abuse. And this kind of bullying is unfathomable to most adults. The message targets receive from others is just to “shut up and take it.”
In fact, when you’re a target of school bullying and mobbing, your world becomes quite Kafkaesque. Even you have a hard time believing what you’re experiencing. So, is it any wonder that no one else can believe it either? The questions, “What the hell?” and “Is this really happening?” come to mind. You feel as if you’ve stepped into the twilight zone.
This is because being mobbed is the feeling of being crushed by nonsensical, bizarre, and blind abuse.
Even worse, you’re powerless to understand or control what is happening.
The target suffers mistreatment, isolation, exclusion, and yes- even brutal physical beatings. Therefore, he’ll be too afraid to plead for help because he knows that the school staff will ignore his cries. And what’s more frightening is that his bullies will take retribution on him for daring to open his mouth.
Eventually the target snaps and acts inappropriately due to long-lasting and extreme stress. The bullying and abuse she suffers will be ignored but the target’s reactions to it won’t be ignored. Therefore, the target becomes re-victimized by the very adults, school, and system which is supposed to protect her.
Here’s an example:
A girl is bullied by everyone in her class. The teacher either doesn’t see it or thinks the girl deserves it. And maybe, the teacher thinks that bullying is only a right of passage that builds character. During one occasion, the bully sitting behind the targeted girl pulls her hair. The target then gets fed up with being mistreated. Unable to tolerate any more abuse, she turns around and punches the bully who pulled her hair.
Now the teacher, very conveniently, doesn’t see the other girl pull the target’s hair. However, she does see the target turn around and punch her in the nose. Therefore, the teacher punishes the target without even considering what the other girl did to prompt her to punch her.
The message the teacher sends is crystal clear: The target has no recourse, and the bully now has carte blanche to continue bullying her in the future. So, this same scenario repeats itself a few times. And, the next thing you know, the target gets a bad name with the school staff. That’s when everyone becomes very suspicious of her.
The principal catches the target in the hall between classes. He tells her, aloud, in front of the other students, that he is watching her. The other kids, especially the bullies, overhear the principal. As a result, they take it as a green light to continue their abuse because they know they won’t be held accountable.
After all, if the target reports the bullying, who’s going to believe the “problem child?”
So, the school staff continue to harangue the target, making her situation much worse than what it needs to be. And their justification for their treatment of the target is to protect the other students who fit into what is “normal” and who obey the rules. Therefore, they use that to defend their emotional abuse of the target. It’s all an excuse for their singling her out for humiliation in front of God and everyone.
Understand that, when this occurs, the school is willingly participating in destroying another human being.
Therefore, it’s imperative that targeted students and teens hold on to their sense of self, pride, and confidence. They must hold on to those treasures with everything they have.
It’s also crucial that parents and grandparents teach them how- they must teach these children to believe in themselves even when it seems that no one else believes in them. They must teach them to know their worth even when others don’t.
They must teach them to love and respect themselves even as others hate and disrespect them. Why? Because it is during the most difficult times that they’re need these virtues the most.
Understand that bullies thrive on power and control. If they can’t control you, they’ll control how others view you. Also, they’ll use redundancy and repetition to make you believe their lies too. Here’s what they’re most likely to try and get you to think of yourself and what you should believe:
1.What bullies want you to believe
Apart from us, you can do nothing, you are nothing, and you never will be.
What you should believe
Apart from you, I’m better off. I can do anything I set my mind to do, I’m somebody, and later down the line, I’m going to be great and do great things.
2. What bullies want you to believe
You’ll never find happiness without our permission.
What you should believe
I don’t need your permission to be happy. I’m much happier without losers like you in my life.
3. What bullies want you to believe
Nobody will ever like or love you.
What you should believe
Maybe you never will, but I don’t mind because you don’t matter. There will be others who’ll love me for me. I’ll find my tribe.
4. What bullies want you to believe
You’re nothing without our approval.
What you should believe
I’m nothing with it because you are nothing. I don’t need your “approval” because it will never define me. Your opinion matters not because, for something to matter, you must first value it.
Therefore, always counter the statements, including the unspoken ones. You’ll be surprised at what it will do for your self-esteem and your spirit!
NOTE: In her own words, Upasana Dandona tells the story of her experiences with bullying during college. Many in the LGBT+ community do experience bullying in school, college, and in the workplace. Although I don’t celebrate Pride Month, I believe she has a right to speak about her experiences and she has a right to be heard. I may not share the same beliefs as someone else but it doesn’t mean I’m okay with them being bullied and I’m inclusive to people of all races, nationalities, religions, and orientations. Here’s Upasana’s story as she addresses the in-bullying in her community and speaks out about the bullying she suffered:
“I consider myself extremely lucky for having grown up as one of those Indian queer kids who did not get bullied or shamed. Even though my boarding school was extremely conservative and my family didn’t know of any other queer person apart from me, the ones around me still understood the fact that my desires weren’t too different from their own.
I can never forget how much my heterosexual peers and family members had encouraged me after I had shared a poem with them about my sexuality. Even now, my mother re-posts that poem whenever it shows on her ‘Facebook memories’.
The person who did, in fact, make me feel vulnerable was someone who was themself queer when it came to both their gender and sexuality. This pride month, as my college life comes to an end, I feel the need to mention that I was emotionally and mentally wounded by that person, but never had it in me to talk about it openly because I was too scared – scared of being gaslit by their queer friend circle into questioning my own narrative, scared of being dismissed by my partner(s), scared of being told that I am not ‘queer enough’ (all of these, by the way, have happened numerous times). I would like to specify that, I am, in no way, equating someone’s problematic conduct to their queerness.
I am simply talking about an isolated experience with one person whose social standing in the feminist and queer communities of my university played a huge role in them causing deliberate harm to me and them getting away with it multiple times.
But, what is queer feminism? Is it simply making fancy arguments in literature and sociology classes? Is it writing articles and essays for websites that focus on the rights of women and the LGBTQI+ community? Or is it just something that we can use to for our own professional growth while allowing cis het male oppressors to oppress those who aren’t as fortunate as us?
Everyone deserves the right to refer to themselves as feminists if they wish to. At the same time, anyone who identifies as queer is, in every way, queer. A person’s knowledge about feminist and queer theories or their involvement in multiple social movements does not give them the right to act as if they have a monopoly over feminist and/or queer identities. Something that people often forget while talking about queerness is that it is all about allowing people the freedom to be who they are without forcing them to alter their personalities in any way. While I respect and secretly envy those who have been able to embrace their genders and sexualities, I also feel that a person who has not been able to do so does not deserve to be treated as ‘less than’ within the community.
We are all queer, no matter what a few pseudo-feminists try to make us believe. Coming back to my experiences, when I had joined university, I was too closeted to be true to myself with respect to my sexuality. Perhaps, that was because I did not have the courage to stand up to a few cis men who constantly told me that ‘I didn’t look like a lesbian’. In retrospect, I do realize that such comments are nothing but lesbophobic in nature. Nonetheless, back then, I had let people’s judgements and opinions influence my self-identity far too much. However, I was subconsciously conforming to those social norms as opposed to consciously choosing to silence the lesbian that lived in my body.
Conformity is not a choice, it is simply a person not knowing how to break free from certain shackles that stop them from realizing their true identity. Thus, when I think of how much and how ruthlessly I was belittled for not knowing the meanings of a few terms or not being able to stand up for my sexuality, I can’t help but call a few people unnecessarily obnoxious. Furthermore, when the same ‘woke’ people who were so condescending towards me over the smallest of things ended up encouraging cisgender men to harass me, I decided I had had enough.
I am grateful towards a lot of queer folks, however, I also have to admit that there have been some of them who have not only been complicit with cisgender men dehumanizing me, but have even gone a step further by taking an active part in making my life difficult, to put it as mildly as I can. To all the queer people who derive pleasure from disparaging the people of their own community, I want you to understand that purposefully victimizing the oppressed by supporting oppressors only makes you a pillar of the already existing cis-heteronormative patriarchy that you wish to dismantle.
If you’re using feminism to patronize those who need to be uplifted and
discarding it the moment you face a powerful cisgender man, then there is no one as hypocritical and as two-faced as you. I would like to end by telling all my fellow queers who feel out of place that you are as much a part of the queer community as anyone else who appears to blend in better. You are who you say you are and no one has the right to make you second-guess your identity.”
What is the environment that conditions and shapes you the most when you’re in school or working? I’ll give you a hint: It isn’t the home!
Our environments determine our mental health.
They have ways of molding and shaping us, especially during our formative years. For example, a child who grows up in an abusive environment is, more than likely, going to either grow up to be an abusive adult. Or worse, they will grow up to be weakened and powerless. Remember that a person’s formative years (childhood) is the most impressionable and it determines their future!
Yes, there are exceptions to this rule. There are a few kids who develop a strong sense of self, either through dogged determination or an outside mentor. Those are the kids who make it out and create successful lives from themselves. However, most do not, and it’s sad.
You have three types of environments:
Nourishing Environment (Very Healthy)
Neutral Environment (Somewhat Healthy)
Toxic Environment (Unhealthy)
Understand that the environment you spend most of your day in, will the one that will likely condition you. And if you spend most of your day-to-day life in a bullying environment, your mental health will suffer!
For example, a certain school kid lives in a loving and healthy home. But his classmates at school bully him mercilessly and without fail.
Now, let’s do the math:
A child or teen who is growing must have around 10 hours of sleep per day. So, subtract 10 hours for 24 hours and you’re left with a total of 14 waking hours. The average young student then spends about 8 hours per day in school. Subtract 8 hours from 14 waking hours and you have only six waking hours away from school.
Then we must figure in school bus time, or commuting time, which, for the average schoolkid, is 30 minutes to 1 hour, one way. Therefore, that’s 1-2 hours roundtrip (Keep in mind that most kids who are bullied at school are also bullied on the school bus).
Subtract that from 6 waking hours and the schoolkid in this scenario has only 4-5 waking hours at home in her loving and nourishing environment.
24 Hours (One Day)
-10 hours (Sleep)
-8 hours (School)
-1 or 2 hours (School bus)
= only 4 to 5 hours awake at home
So, that bullied child, although living in a loving and nourishing home environment, spends twice as many waking hours in a toxic school environment. Therefore, the bullying he suffers at school is likely to nullify the love and acceptance he gets at home. And he will be conditioned either to hate himself, or not to think much of himself. Because he spends more time with his bullying peers than he spends with his loving and accepting family, he’s still more likely to have self-esteem issues and lack confidence.
Now, do you see how this works?
Even sadder, the self-esteem and confidence of kids who are bullied at school and abused or neglected at home will take an even bigger hit to their mental health! Why? Because they never get a reprieve from bullying, as abuse at home is a form of bullying in and of itself.
In conclusion, how a student is treated at school has a huge impact on their mental health. It doesn’t matter how loving and nurturing their home life is. Granted, having a positive home life certainly helps, the bullying a child or teen suffers at school will likely negate any love and acceptance she receives at home.
So, how do we reverse the damage school bullies have caused a child?
We simple create opportunities for the child to make friends outside of their school. This will create more positive social experiences for them. It will help to create a more even balance between the bullying and negativity they suffer and the friendships and positivity they enjoy. Even better, it might even tip the scales and create more positive experiences and social interactions than negative!
Therefore, the resulting rise in positive experiences and interactions outside the school environment will serve to buffer person’s self-esteem and mental health from the blows of negativity they get at school.
You can help the youngster create these positive connections and experiences by sending them to summer camp. Also, you can do it by enrolling them in a martial arts class or attending neighborhood family get-togethers where there are other kids present. Attending church and church functions is another great idea.
approved not rejected concept with checkbox
There are many, many opportunities available for the seizing! So, go for it! Give your bullied child these wonderful experiences! They will turn into awesome memories that will last a lifetime!
Bullying can be devastating to a child’s or teen’s self-esteem. And the damage can last a lifetime. It can have a negative effect on their progress even into adulthood.
No, it isn’t your fault. You and your child are innocent in this, but you still must do some damage control.
The parents of bullies should teach them kindness and empathy, yes. However, the targets’ parents also have work to do- they must teach their children confidence. Neither side gets out of this without some degree of responsibility.
I realize that it isn’t fair that most of the confidence-building work must be done on the target’s end. But nothing in life is fair and we can’t change that reality. We, as parents of bullied children still have to take action. We still must do our part to ensure our children’s confidence stays in tact so that they’ll be able to flourish. Therefore, it’s up to us to tip the mental health balance more in the target’s favor.
Teaching targets confidence involves teaching them never to look to bullies, or anyone for that matter, for confirmation of their worth and validity. Most of all, it means creating experiences for them that naturally balance out all the negative experiences they face at school. To neglect this work would be devastating for our children!
How do you do that?
By giving them opportunities to make friends outside their toxic school environment.
For instance, they can join a martial arts class, a scout troop, or go to summer camp, to name a few. There are so many options available for targets to forge lasting friendships. And you will be amazed at just how it will help build their confidence and self-esteem.
Yes, kind words, encouragement, and verbally re-enforcing positivity to your child is important. But giving them the positive experiences that back up your well-meaning words will work doubly well because it will serve as confirmation that they really are good and normal kids and give the self-esteem that extra boost.
So, give your bullied child fun, exciting, and positive experiences that they can look back on with confidence and assurance! They will thank you for it later! I guarantee it!