Getting Rid of the Urge to People-Please

Many people, especially targets of bullying, will have an overwhelming urge to people-please. Why? There are several reasons:

1. Fear of being harmed

2. Self-preservation

3. The desire for approval and to be liked.

Therefore, targets of bullying want to be likeable because they think it will protect them. Sadly, they think that the only way to likeability is to be agreeable.

However, you can never be agreeable one hundred percent of the time. It’s just not humanly possible. Also, being too agreeable can have the opposite results of what you’re aiming for. Being too agreeable can cause you to lose respect and for others to see you as a pushover! Yikes!

Moreover, there are times when it just isn’t smart to be “likeable.” Sometimes you must, in a sense, kick a little bit of booty.

So, how do you retrain your brain against the urge to people-please?

You start by asking yourself these questions:

1. Do you do it to get approval and be liked?

2. Is your people-pleasing a way to get others to validate you?

3. Do you people-please because you feel you need to prove your worth to people?

4. Do you do it because you want to be accepted or included?

5. Are you attracting users and abusers by this behavior?

6. Are you doing it out of fear?

There’s nothing wrong with being good to people and helping them out. However, you can do it for the wrong reasons. As a result, you can find yourself getting the opposite of what you want out of it.

For instance, you may attract those who only use and abuse you. Understand that bullies and other such unsavory people will sniff you out. And they’ll use you for their own ends.

Therefore, this is why people-pleasing is never good.

No. It won’t be easy to rewire your brain and break this bad habit. Learned behavior is not only difficult to change, but it takes time, sometimes years. However, it can be done.

With knowledge comes power!

The Universe Taps Out

The universe fights you
It wants to smite you
The harder you try
The more things go awry
But you’re stubborn
You won’t stop sudden
You refuse to give up
Determined to fill your cup
No matter what Uni throws
Your determination only grows
You keep working, working
While Uni keeps hurting hurting
Until you wear Uni out
One, two, three, Uni finally taps out
Then your success comes about

Townies, Cronies, and Hayseeds II C4.6

Brielle and Raina sat quietly in the holding cell when a jailer came down the hall and stopped at the door. He took a set of several keys, stuck one in the lock and turned it. The sound of a buzzer went off and he opened the door to their cell.

“Markowitz, Carrier, someone has posted bail for you fine ladies. You can go now,” he rudely informed.

Brielle and Raina got up and the jailer led them down the hall toward processing.

When Brielle and Raina collected their valuables, they were taken to the lobby where Grandma Bennett and Raina’s husband Paul Carrier were waiting.

Later that evening, when Brielle got her SUV out of the impound yard and Grandma Bennett met her at her house, they all, including Paul and Raina, gathered in Brielle’s living room. Jesse and Jerome joined them. Brielle spoke up.

“How on earth did Bobby, of all people, end up as sheriff of Glover County?” Brielle asked, bewildered, “How does anyone that dumb become sheriff- especially after his brother, Johnny, a former sheriff, goes to prison for abuse of power?”

“Well, after Sheriff Crawford was killed in a hunting accident last year, Bobby happened to be next in line. He was deputy sheriff when Sheriff Crawford died, so he just slid right into his spot. He took over as acting sheriff and he will continue as such until the next election,” Jesse answered, “Pretty convenient, don’tcha think?”

Backstory

“Yep! That hunting incident was no accident!” Grandma Bennett said in a voice of contempt, “Everybody knows it, they just can’t prove it! It’s common knowledge that Bobby Crabtree wanted to be sheriff so bad he could taste it. And it is awful convenient that Crawford died when he did.”

“There’s a lot of people who think that Bobby Crabtree had Sheriff Crawford murdered. He resented Crawford for a long time simply for taking over when his brother, Johnny got arrested and sent to the federal prison in Bryson. In fact, he never liked Crawford because Crawford went by the book and believed in the order of law. Crawford wasn’t crooked like Johnny Crabtree, and he didn’t play favorites. He gave special treatment to no one, not even his own family! No one could corrupt him, so they took him out!” Jerome added.

“The rest of his family moved away because they were being harassed and were afraid that they were on the endangered list too, because they knew too much,” Raina’s husband, Paul said.

Brielle turned to Raina.

“Raina, why didn’t you tell me that Bobby Crabtree was the sheriff?” she asked in a voice of concern.

“I didn’t think about it, Brielle. We were going to do some catching up when we got home from the reunion, and I was going to tell you everything, everything that had happened since you left. I just didn’t know that the reunion would go down like it did. I honestly thought that most of them had grown up because I hadn’t seen them in years myself,” Raina replied, “I’m so sorry, Brielle.”

The Story of Sheriff Crawford

“It’s not your fault, Raina,” Brielle sighed. She looked at Grandma Bennett.

“I’m so glad you got me out of jail, Grandma, and that there was a bail bonds open on a Saturday!”

“You’re very lucky, Brielle! Being as you must report for work Monday afternoon, you would’ve missed your first day of work and that job would have gone bye-bye!” Grandma Bennett told her, “So, I had to bail you out! Now, have they set a court date for you?”

“October the thirtieth.” Brielle responded.

“Oh, yes. The county court stays pretty backed up with all the cases.”

“Well, the good thing is that I’ll just be finishing my probationary period when that day rolls around. So, I’m glad of that!”

That night after Brielle got home and put all the children to bed, she sat down at her computer. She unbuttoned the top three buttons of her shirt. Then she removed one of the buttons to reveal a button-style body camera. The camera looked somewhat like a flash drive with a button on the front.

“It’s a good thing Grandma Bennett bailed me out before they had a chance to search me,” Brielle thought to herself as she hooked the body cam up to a USB cord.

She then took the other end of the cord and hooked it up to her computer and downloaded the recording that was on the body cam.

Once she downloaded the video, she saved it in a folder that she named, “Reunion Evidence.” Next, she watched the video.

The video showed the altercation at the reunion, every second of it. It had recorded both the audio and video of the altercation. As Brielle watched, a big smile spread across her face. She had gotten everything on video.

A Damning Video

She had gotten the conversation of the bullies putting her down for her having been an exotic dancer in California, the attempted assault by Ashton when he had grabbed her by the arm to keep her from getting into her SUV and leaving, the resulting self-defense move she’d made to protect herself from Ashton, the attempted escape and the sheriff’s shooting her back window out while trying to stop her and Raina from leaving.

Brielle had also managed to record hers and Raina’s arrest and the trip to the jail in the back of the squad car. She had gotten it all on camera, and she grinned from ear to ear as she uploaded the damning video on all her social media channels, being sure to caption the video with these words:

“Bullies don’t change, they only grow bigger. This is the behavior my friend and I had to deal with at our twentieth high school reunion. The Thomasville HS class of 2003 and other classes have shown that they haven’t matured one iota. It’s sad when adults behave so childishly. And this is proof that I had to defend myself from a possible attack, only to be arrested along with my friend because I stood up to the wrong people.”

Now she had leverage! By the next day, Brielle’s incriminating recording had gone viral.

Never Allow Yourself to Hate

Sadly, hate is too easy for bullying targets to get sucked into. When people have treated you so horrifically for long enough, you lose faith in humanity. A person who is the object of bullying begins believing that all people are self-serving lowlifes who enjoy seeing other human beings suffer. They soon become the very people they’re suspicious of. I’ve been there.

Targets of bullying often feel that there is justification for their hate. However, does this intense loathing serve any purpose or have benefits? No!

No matter how some creep may have wronged you, never give in to hate. Regardless of how severely that person may have transgressed against you, do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to hate them because hate is poisonous! Not to the other person but to YOU!

Here’s why:

1. Hate burns you up inside. It eats down into your very soul and prolongs feelings of hurt, depression, and downright misery.

2. Hate doesn’t hurt the person being hated. It hurts you because nine times out of ten, the person you hate either doesn’t know about it, or they don’t care.

3. Anytime you hold hate in your heart against anyone, you unwittingly give up any blessings. Also, you forego any opportunities, which would otherwise come your way. You instead invite negativity and evil into your world. Hatred causes you to forego your own happiness, and life is too short to be anything but happy.

4. While you are sitting around stewing over some idiot who has wronged you in the past, the same idiot is going about their merry way and not giving you so much as a thought.

Hate Serves You No Purpose

That’s right. While you are holding grudges and plotting ways to get back at them, that person is just getting on with life. The person who hurt you is not worried about you. They are not thinking about you. So why do you think about them? They are a complete waste of brain activity!

Hate, insecurity, grudges, anger- they are all garbage in your life that needs to be disposed of. It’s time to take out the trash and take back the peace and happiness that you not only deserve but have a divine right to.

You deserve to be happy. And the only way you will find happiness is to let go of any grudges and hate and replace them with love and acceptance. It is what I had to do before I could be happy.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Townies, Cronies, and Hayseeds II C4.5

When the deputies got the two women to the county jail. They fingerprinted them and took their mugshots. Sheriff Bobby arrived at the jail just behind them.

“How was your class reunion, Sheriff?” one of the jailers asked.

“I’m afraid it was cut short because of the two troublemakers who were just brought in. They decided they wanted to start a brawl! Go ahead and book them. I’ll deal with them myself when you get through processing the two bitches in,” Bobby replied.

Brielle and Raina each were allowed one phone call. Brielle called Grandma Bennett and Raina called her husband Paul.

An hour later, Grandma Bennett and Paul arrived at the jail. Grandma Bennett walked up to the sheriff’s secretary June, who sat at the desk beside the door to the sheriff’s office.

June looked up.

“Yes, ma’am. How may I help you?” She greeted in a suspicious tone.

“I’d like to see the sheriff,” Grandma Bennett answered.

“He’s rather busy now.”

“This can’t wait.”

“Have a seat and I’ll page him.”

June hit the call button and paged Sheriff Bobby.

“Sheriff. There’s a lady out here who needs to see you,” she informed him.

“I’ll be right out,” Bobby’s voice answered.

Grandma Bennett to the Rescue

Thirty seconds later, the door to the office opened and the sheriff came out of his office. His eyes widened when he saw Grandma Bennett sitting across from the secretary. Grandma Bennett rose from her seat.

“Well, Mrs. Bennett. Long time, no see,” he greeted the heavy-set, silver-haired, elderly lady.

“Not long enough,” Grandma Bennett responded in a cold tone.

“Then why are you here?” the sheriff asked, although knowing good and well why she was there.

“Let’s step into your office and I’ll tell you.”

“Sure. Right this way, ma’am,” the sheriff said as he made a hand gesture toward the door of his office.

Grandma Bennett entered the office. Sheriff Bobby entered behind her and shut the door behind him.

“Please, have a seat,” the sheriff said.

“I’d rather stand, thank you,” Grandma told him.

“I’m sure you’re here because Brielle and her friend Raina were brought here a while ago. Other than that, how may I help you?”

“You can start by laying off my granddaughter!”

“Now, ma’am. She was arrested because she assaulted two people at the reunion today.”

A Heated Discussion

“Yeah? And what did they do to her first to make her assault them. She called me and according to her, it was self-defense. Brielle has never been the type to start a fight, but she has damn well finished a few,” Grandma Bennett said, raising her voice, “And you and your buddies have taunted and tortured her all through school and damn if you aren’t trying to do it again! You just can’t leave her alone, can you?”

“Now what are you talking about?” the Sheriff asked in a tone of indignance.

“You know damn well what I’m talking about! That little fiasco at that reunion was just the excuse you needed to put her behind bars and separate her from her children and family- the very people who support her! And what really takes the cake is that, as they were driving away, you shot at her and her best friend like they were escaped convicts who were armed and dangerous! You fired your gun several times at them, as a matter of fact! Shame on you! What kind of sheriff shoots at two unarmed women?” Grandma Bennett fired off.

“Mrs. Bennett, allow me to repeat myself. She assaulted several classmates. And she used martial arts to do it. Now, by law, her bare hands are lethal weapons,” Sheriff Bobby repeated in a fake tone of concern.

“She assaulted them after they all tried to jump her, Bobby! You know damn well that was self-defense! What did you expect? That she’d just stand there and let them all beat the crap out of her?”

Without answering the older lady’s question, Sheriff Bobby asked one of his own.

“How long has Brielle been a blackbelt in martial arts, Mrs. Bennett?” he asked.

Grandma Bennett Says Her Piece

“A long time. What does that have to do with anything?” Grandma Bennett shot back.

The sheriff scoffed before answering.

Everything. Like I just said, her hands are lethal weapons. In fact, her whole body is a lethal weapon, and she should’ve registered it as such. In this state, Brielle isn’t registered because I already checked,” he went on.

“She hasn’t even been here long enough! For Peke’s sake, she hasn’t even gotten settled in yet!” Grandma Bennett shouted.

“Well, I’d suggest that she get to it,” Sheriff Bobby said in a warning tone.

“Let’s get something straight right here and now, Sheriff. You’d best back off of Brielle. Because, given what I know about you and several others in this town, it would be in your best interest if you left her alone, and that goes for the rest of your little imps!”

“Imps? Boy, that’s pretty bold there, Mrs. Bennett.”

“Oh, you haven’t seen bold yet, buster! I’m only getting started! Now, there’s a lot of people who went to prison over that ordeal with Shannon Crooke a few years ago. What do people call that now? ‘The Thomasville Conspiracy?’ Oh, yeah, a lot of people went to prison, including your brother, but many more dodged that bullet and I know who they are and what they did. So, if you expect me to keep my mouth shut, you’ll leave Brielle and her children alone and you’ll tell your buddies to do the same!

Grandma Bennett Puts Bobby in His Place

“That’s blackmail, Mrs. Bennett!”

“I dare you to indict me, Bobby!” Grandma Bennett said in a low, raspy voice, “Arrest an old woman who’s active in church and the caterer in this town? And has been for over forty years- an old woman who happens to have a lot of connections here? Ooh, that would sit real pretty with most of your constituents, now, wouldn’t it?”

Sheriff Bobby leaned back in his chair, folded his arms, and blow out a huge puff of air. Grandma Bennett continued.

“Now I’m going to post bail for her and you had best remember what I said,” She warned before storming out of the office.

After she was gone, Sheriff Bobby leaned back, in deep thought. He sat there, stroking his stubbled chin, with his head tilted and eyes averted to his right…

Hate Only Damages the Hater Not the Hated

As a survivor of severe bullying and peer-abuse, I’ve seen the faces of hate- up close and personal. And let me tell you, it’s ugly! And dangerous!

I know what it looks like. I’ve felt it’s powerful and painful sting and have been paralyzed by it. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve even had it directed toward others in those days. But hatred is worthless. Most people don’t understand the damage it does to not the hated, but the hater!

The reality is that hate causes the hater more pain than it does the hated. I say this because I’ve witnessed it. In the past, I’ve looked into the eyes of my bullies- deep into their eyes- down into their souls! And I truly believe that if there wasn’t a law against murder or manslaughter, I probably wouldn’t be here today.

On the Receiving End of Hatred

That was the kind of hate many of my classmates had for me. I saw how it would burn them up inside. ‘You see? That’s what hate does. When you have hatred for another person, you’re only hurting yourself.

Because it will eat you up inside and make you crazy. Hate is a sick and twisted obsession and it can take over your life if you allow it to.

Hatred can destroy your happiness and prospects. It skews your judgement and ability to think clearly. It causes you to make horrible decisions- decisions that can alter the entire trajectory of your life.

Hate is Harmful on Both Sides

When a person has hatred for another human being, it numbs their conscience, dulls their reasoning capabilities. They will condone things they would otherwise deem immoral and evil. The hater will approve of the most depraved, heinous, and atrocious atrocities directed toward the hated person. Yet they would disapprove of it, even condemn it, if it’s against with anyone else, even a total stranger.

Hate turns even the kindest, most caring people into depraved monsters. Realize that hate destroys haters and targets alike. Hate kills.

Indifference is a better option than hate. Because with indifference, you could absolutely care less, You could care less if the person is doing good or bad, what he thinks, what he says, or what he does.

Indifference is Much Better than Hate

On the other hand, with hate, you care because all you want is for the hated person to suffer. There’s a strong desire to make sure nothing good happens for the hated.  And you obsessively seek to destroy them and their life. You want to make sure all opportunities are closed off to the hated person. This is what hate does. It causes haters to obsess over the hated.

So, if you’re a target of bullies, let them go ahead and hate on you. But don’t hate them back. Instead, be indifferent toward them, and how you do that is to stop caring what others think and do your thing, baby!

With knowledge comes empowerment!