A fellow blogger once wrote, “If you care too much about what others think, you care less about yourself.”
How right she was!
When you care too much about what other people think, you become a slave to not only opinions but to others as well. The person whose opinions you place too much value on owns you.
Any time you care too much about the thoughts and opinions of others, you’ll bend over backward to prove your worth. You’ll be a yes-person because you won’t have the guts to say no when you really should and when you truly want to say it.
You’ll do things you’d rather not do and agree with things that go against your beliefs and convictions. You’ll sacrifice your time, your resources, and yourself for people who don’t deserve it and let them take you for granted.
You’ll fall for other people’s BS and accept crappy behavior from them to avoid conflict. And they’ll see you as a pushover and an approval-seeker. You’ll be a doormat, and no one will have any respect for you. They’ll only think you’re pathetic!
To put it bluntly, you’ll kiss butt and eat sh** all for the sake of approval. Yuck!
You’ll only attract users, abusers, and losers, who’ll only deplete you of time, energy, and worst of all, self-esteem!
Even worse, your submissiveness will come to be expected after a while, and once you do finally get tired of being walked on and grow a spine, people won’t respect you for it but be offended by it.
‘You see, here’s the thing. If you truly know your value, you don’t have to prove it because you know it’s there. Even better, others see it too because they not only sense that others’ opinions don’t phase you, but they can see it in your demeanor as well.
So, stop caring what bullies and abusers think of you because they don’t deserve to even matter to you.
The more you know, the more bully-proof you become!
As I’ve said before, many targets of bullying become people-pleasers because they’ve been brainwashed into believing that if they dare to say no, they’ll only get hurt and many times, saying no has gotten them just that- hurt! Therefore, they’re deathly afraid to assert themselves.
Targets of bullying quickly become used to having to cater to others in order to ensure their safety. Sadly, I was in that same situation for a few years when I was young. It’s a hell of a way to live and it’s akin to being held hostage. You feel as if you exist only for other people’s purposes, agendas, pleasures, and entertainment; not your own.
As we all know, bullies are people who don’t take no for an answer and this type of attitude comes from their sense of entitlement and superiority. Bullies are notorious for retaliating against anyone who refuses their demands. However, it’s important that you continue to stand firm no matter what it costs.
It’s better to be hated by others than to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s unreasonable demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!
So, why is being a people-pleaser so bad for you? Here are your answers:
1.Constantly putting other’s needs before your own leaves you feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!
2. You’re never free to pursue your own interests because people are constantly haranguing you for favors.
3. You have no time for yourself.
4. Your productivity goes down because your time is limited by other people’s priorities.
5. Your relationships suffer because people lose respect for you.
6. It erodes your confidence and self-esteem.
Realize that most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for seeing to it that your needs get met. No one else can do that for you.
Charity always begins at home. You can’t run yourself ragged trying to take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Too many people think that they have to give more of themselves than what is necessary and that they have to hide their true selves.
They are under the impression that they have to bend over backwards and go out of their way in order to be valued. They have been conditioned to believe that they have to try and be someone other than themselves to win approval from others.
Sadly, these are the beliefs held by most bully-targets.
“If only I was ten pounds thinner and had long, flowing hair, maybe my friends would like me”
“If only I had bought front row tickets to the game, concert, etc. instead of regular tickets, he would love me.”
“If only I made a 4.0 instead of a 3.99, my family would be proud of me.”
“Maybe I should have bought her a dozen roses instead of a half-dozen, then she would love me.”
“Maybe if I worked sixteen hours a day instead of twelve, then my boss and coworkers would like me.”
Notice that these people are already putting in lots of effort and the people around them don’t thank the person for it, or worse, even acknowledge it. Some of these scenarios may be a little exaggerated, but you get the point.
But here’s the thing, anytime you sacrifice your own needs to please others and score approval, the exact opposite happens. People do not respect a people pleaser. If anything, they look down on the pleaser with a mixture of disgust, pity and hilarity.
In the minds of others, the pleaser is a pathetic case, eager to kiss butt in his weak attempts to win friends. The more pleasers give of themselves at their own expense, the worse they are treated because to others, they are ripe for using and abusing.
Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.
People pleasers only attract the predator types of people into their lives while repelling the good, quality people of class and decency. Human predators have a spidey sense when it comes to picking out those who are weak and approval seeking.
If you are a pleaser, they will see you coming a mile away and they will bleed you dry of resources, time and worse…confidence and happiness.
You must give these people the boot and do it FAST! Because they suck the life out of you and by the time you realize you’ve been had, it will more than likely be too late. Your confidence and self-esteem will already be shot and you will have to work like hell to get to know yourself again and get it all back.
I want you to know that it’s perfectly okay to want friends- to want positive connections with other people. Human beings are social creatures and we all want that. However, no one should have to eat crap in order to achieve it.
You can say “NO” if you don’t want to do something.
You can put your foot down and tell someone to get lost anytime they use and/or abuse you.
You can speak up when something does not feel good.
You can have your own opinions and beliefs.
And you don’t have to put yourself out on a limb to please someone else.
You do NOT have to be a doormat! Start today by being true to yourself. If something does not feel good, you do not have to go along with it.
But be warned. The users you have been associating with will not like the change in you. They have been benefiting from your willingness to suck-up for so long and the last thing they want is for those benefits to stop.
They will resort to calling you “selfish”, “stingy”, among other names. They will accuse you of being self-centered and all about yourself. They will lay all kinds of guilt trips on you. They will do everything in their power to make you look and feel like the lowest form of life on the face of the earth!
But you aren’t. No matter what others may say or how they may act toward you, you must hold firm. You must assert yourself. You must make the decision that you will no longer be used or abused by these people! Tell them to take a flying leap and mean it!
Give them the old heave-ho! You do not need them in your life! You have to love yourself enough to walk away!
I can guarantee that once you have the courage to kick the garbage out of your life, you will attract better people, who will love you not for what you can do for them, but for just being you. You will have more loving, productive and fulfilling relationships!
Best of all, you will feel so much better about yourself…you will be so happy and at peace. It happened for me and it can happen for you too.
You must take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.