3 Motives Behind a Bully’s Attacks

Behind every bully’s attacks is a motive.

Have you ever wondered why bullies are so aggressive with you when they could care less about you? You understand that when someone doesn’t care a lick about you, they show no emotion, positive or negative. In other words, they’re indifferent.

However, when the bully is aggressive, it shows that they are bothered by something about you. It could be something you said, did, or conveyed through body language. It could even be your very presence that might bother the person.

Whatever the case may be, that something about you is motivating the attacks and aggression. But realize this, it’s not that they care one iota about you. What they do care about, however, is the possibility of your taking your power back from them. You becoming independent of their thoughts and opinions of you is the last thing your bullies want.

Here are 3 motives and emotions behind a bully’s attacks.

  1. Fear.

Bullies fear losing power over you. Whether it’s physical attacks or smearing and trying to cancel you, every bit of it is only proof that they feel threatened. Moreover, your bullies feel that they’re losing the battle for power or are about to lose. Therefore, they double down on attacking you to reinforce their power over you and keep you under their thumb. This often comes in the form of retaliation because you stood up to them and defended yourself. And the only way to discourage you from doing that again is to retaliate with greater force. 

Why? Because if you stand your ground and begin refusing their attempts to walk on you, you just might start a huge trend and inspire others to do the same, causing the bullies to lose  all respect, status, and authority (power).

  1. Resentment and Revenge.

Again. When you defend yourself against a bully’s attacks or demands, you only make them look (and feel) like punks, especially if you do it in front of an audience. It is for this reason that bullies will often retaliate. And they do it not only to subdue you and keep you under their power, or to save their “tough” reputations, but they also do it out of revenge. Anytime you stand up to bullies, they will often try to get back at you for it. Understand that bullies are entitled little twits. They need gratification and satisfaction, and when you refuse to give it to them, they will resent you and desire to punish you for it.

lies, liar, woman whose nose has grown long

  1. Deception.

Bullies have an image to keep up and they want to look tough. In other words, the bullies are trying like the devil to cover up the fact that you’re winning the power war against them. Think about it. If you were truly losing, they would act indifferent toward you. Your bullies wouldn’t need to become aggressive. It wouldn’t be necessary to go on the attack because you would be no threat to them nor the image they portray in public.

Therefore, they wouldn’t give you the time of day. Bullies, particularly the narcissistic type, always discard those they deem to be losers. On the other hand, threats must be contained. Those they see as threats are a lot of hard work for bullies. They require many attacks for the bullies to restore their power, be that power image, social status, or even physical status.

So, if a bully is incessantly attacking you, it isn’t because there is anything wrong with you and it isn’t because you’re weak. It’s because you somehow pose a threat to them, and that threat may or may not be so obvious. It may be very subtle. For example, the bully may pick up on something that isn’t so visible, maybe an inner strength you have that they can’t quite put their finger on.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

18 Ways of Adult Survivors of School Bullying

Brain inside stomach to represent the gut instinct

Targets of school bullying often learn tough lessons- lessons that they carry into adulthood. Bullying shapes their personalities, and the ways they do things once they leave school and move away from their tormentors. Because I’m an adult survivor myself, I can tell you what I and most other survivors took from it. School bullying changes targets. It changes the ways they do things and their attitudes, and the way they handle people because, again, it teaches them many hard lessons, which they carry into adulthood. Here are the 18 ways of adult survivors of school bullying:

1. ADult Survivors of school bullying Watch other People Closely.

Their experiences with bullies during school sharpened their emotional and social intelligence -Because they learned very early on how truly evil people can be, they know how to watch people without looking like they’re watching them. Adult survivors of bullying note body language, facial expressions, micro-expressions, tonality, delivery, and demeanor. Their people-sense wasn’t fully developed during school years. Therefore, they often let those in their lives who were only there to do harm and paid dearly for it. Therefore, as adults, former targets watch closely and avoid such people.

Saying no means saying yes to your rights

2. They don’t fear saying “no” and will sometimes say it simply because they can!

When they were schoolkids, bullies violated their boundaries to such an extent that they (the bullies) silenced them and never allowed protest when something didn’t feel right. People either duped or forced the targets to take a lot of abuse. Now that they’re adults, they get to decide what they will and will not tolerate. Adult survivors of school bullying exercise that freedom and autonomy every chance they get! Moreover, they get a feeling of empowerment from saying no.

3. they are no-nonsense adults.

They’ve learned early on the games people play, and you won’t dupe them easily. Adult survivors of school bullying  live by the old, “fool me once…” saying and hold it close to their hearts.

positive bullied victim says NO

4. they’ve a very open and solid refusal to take any crap from anyone, no matter the consequences they may face for that refusal.

I’m no exception. Former targets of school bullying took enough crap in school from classmates and a few rotten apples, who called themselves school staff that they’ve become even more determined as adults not to let others violate their boundaries.

5. they don’t give people many chances. To them, first impressions are important, so you’d better make it count.

One red flag, I’m gone!
One bad vibe, goodbye!
Any attempts to bullshit, see ya!

This is due to having been too forgiving of others when these former targets were young. Others took them for granted and mistook their kindness taken for weakness. They then exploited that kindness, much to the targets’ humiliation. And adult survivors refuse ever again to be put back in that position.

girl walking away from fake friends

6. adult survivors work their asses off! they’re tenacious when it comes to getting what they want and will stop at almost nothing to reach success.

Adult survivors of school bullying had enough of what they didn’t want while in school. Others called them “failures” so many times that it lit a fire under them. It made them that much more determined to succeed at everything they set out to do, if for no other reason than to show the haters and naysayers (even our ex-school bullies) that they can! Show them up and shut them up is another motto of the former target of school bullying.

7. they like having control over their own lives and will do anything to keep that control.

Survivors of school bullying had enough of others taking control of their lives long ago, and they will shut down the first person who tries to take away their personal power.

8. they can spot a bully five miles away in the dark.

Yes! Adult survivors are that good! For years, they dealt with bullies in school on a daily basis. They know the signs by heart. So, naturally, they would be good, nearly expert, at pointing them out.

Businessman with X-ray vision

 

9. As adults, they either avoid bullies like the plague, or, they take extreme pleasure in putting bullies in their places.

Adult survivors of school bullying looove standing up to bullies and they will call them out every chance they get. They love to make bullies feel like the losers they are. Adult survivors do this, remembering all the times they didn’t or couldn’t defend themselves in school.

10. they have thick skins that has become difficult for others outside their circle, to penetrate.

That’s the power of the former target of bullying. They love being unpredictable and keeping others on their toes to try and figure them out. It’s fun to them.

11. they can’t stand to watch others being made fun of and will rush to their defense.

Former targets of school bullying are not afraid to get nose to nose with a bully if need be. They do it not only to help the person being bullied but subconsciously, to make up for all the times they felt helpless. This compensates them for all the times they didn’t or couldn’t defend themselves against their bullies in school.

Two men and a woman getting kicked out

12. adult survivors of school bullying can smell horseshit like a bloodhound.

If someone tries to feed them a load of hogwash, they know it instantly and instinctively. Adult survivors see it as an insult to their intelligence and become highly PO’ed. Why? Because they know the lying person must think they’re too stupid to figure them out. And they won’t hesitate to call the person out!

13. They can More easily pick up on the emotions of others.

They cannot stand the thought of causing emotional or physical harm to another person, but only if that person isn’t trying to harm them first.

14. they place extra value on their families and friends.

Adult survivors of school bullying take extreme care not to take those they love for granted. They know what it’s like to be completely alone and not to have any friends. Therefore, they cherish family/friends and time spent with them.

Sky writing that reads, "Actions speak louder than words."

15. Adult survivors of school bullying are, in some ways, selfish.

I know I am. Former targets put a lot of value on themselves and their wants, needs, and interests- all because others didn’t value them as kids during school. So, they make it a point to put themselves first in almost everything. Their children and parents may be the only people they put ahead of them.

16. Words don’t convince them. Only actions and patterns do.

Back in the day, others duped them. Adult survivors of school bullying heard a mountain of empty promises and cheap words and paid dearly for believing them. They’ll be damned if they ever repeat that mistake.

Speech bubble that reads, "Get out!"

17. they live by our gut instincts-

Even better, adult survivors trust them because they paid a heavy price for ignoring them. They now have a sixth sense. Adult survivors of school bullying are excellent at picking up vibes (especially bad ones) and reading people and their intentions. If something or someone doesn’t feel right, they won’t hesitate to either walk away or tell the suspicious person to take a long walk off a short pier.

18. Tell them they Can’t and the adult survivor of school bullying will do it anyway.

And they’ll do it just to show you they can. Tell them not to do something and they’ll do it and take pictures. When another person tells them that they can’t do something, anything, the adult survivor will see it as a challenge. And they’ll do it anyway, sometimes right in front of you, just to show you up.

Speaking for myself, being bullied as a kid in school has not only made me a very powerful adult; it has also exponentially sharpened my people-senses, which in turn has afforded me not only scores of friends who love and respect me, successes, and even more opportunities, but ultimately, an enriching life!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

School Choice- A Godsend for Bullied Kids!

School Choice is an absolute must for bullied children and teens. Without it, targets would be stuck in a school that hates them. They’d be trapped in a cycle of bullying and abuse with no way to escape. Also, the bullies would be even further emboldened because they would know that their targets couldn’t get away.

It’s a dark side of human nature that, if bullies know you’re trapped, they have a strong sense of glee and become more brazen. Then there’s no limit to how far they’ll take the abuse.

School choice would give kids the right to choose the school they want to attend regardless of their zip code. However, as of now, many bullied kids are trapped in toxic learning environments. They are stuck in schools, where their cries for help go ignored by school officials. Moreover, these adults only refuse to acknowledge that they have a culture of bullying at their beloved schools.

They sweep incidences of bullying under the rug and hide evidence of bullying (like camera footage) from parents. Also, they take sides with the bullies, blaming targeted kids for abuse they suffer at the hands of their classmates.

School choice would allow a bullied child easier transfer. Yet Teacher’s Unions are dead set against it. But why?

Here are a few reasons:

1. Teachers and schools get funding for each child in attendance per day.

2. Teachers Unions want to monopolize students and don’t want the competition. School Choice would give schools and teachers competition for students, and therefore, state funds. Money does corrupt.

3. Bullying teachers and school officials may not admit it, but they don’t want to lose their power and control over bullied children. And if these children start switching schools, bullying school officials will no longer have power over these kids. Therefore, they will need to search for other targets even if they must eat their own.

school bullying

Every child deserves the right to attend a school in which they feel safe, a school that values them as human beings. They deserve to attend a school where they can finally have dignity and respect. And they deserve to learn in an environment where they can grow and flourish without any disruptions.

There are entirely too many special interest groups who wish to squash school choice. They would rather monopolize our children and grandchildren. Again, this is all about having power over bullied kids and lining their pockets. It only goes to show that, in the minds of school officials, money and power take priority over the safety and security of children and teens.

This must stop…yesterday!

Teachers Who Label Bullied Students

Mobbing at work concept, sketch of boss kicking his employee with red heels from behind on chalkboard

Many teachers and school staff often stick targets of mobbing and bullying with labels. They brand them with labels, such as, “trouble,” “difficult,” or “problem child.” This sets the targeted child up to be discriminated against by their school. Therefore, it creates a very hostile and dangerous environment when adults are prejudiced against the poor, kid.

In these types of situations, the target is only bullied worse. Why?  Because he/she isn’t afforded the same due process that their classmates get. As a result, the school staff ends up empowering the bullies. Even worse, they end up supporting the bullies, even encouraging them to bully that child.

We must realized that targets may act out due to prolonged bullying and resulting stress.

Let’s face it, no one can withstand the intense pressure of bullying and mobbing for long. A person can only be pushed so far. If you kick a dog long enough, you’ll get bit eventually.

When a target is bullied and mobbed by their classmates, they are forced to submit to horrendous and downright grotesque abuse.  And this kind of bullying is unfathomable to most adults. The message targets receive from others is just to “shut up and take it.”

In fact, when you’re a target of school bullying and mobbing, your world becomes quite Kafkaesque. Even you have a hard time believing what you’re experiencing. So, is it any wonder that no one else can believe it either? The questions, “What the hell?” and “Is this really happening?” come to mind.  You feel as if you’ve stepped into the twilight zone.

This is because being mobbed is the feeling of being crushed by nonsensical, bizarre, and blind abuse.

Even worse, you’re powerless to understand or control what is happening.

The target suffers mistreatment, isolation, exclusion, and yes- even brutal physical beatings. Therefore, he’ll be too afraid to plead for help because he knows that the school staff will ignore his cries. And what’s more frightening is that his bullies will take retribution on him for daring to open his mouth.

Eventually the target snaps and acts inappropriately due to long-lasting and extreme stress. The bullying and abuse she suffers will be ignored but the target’s reactions to it won’t be ignored. Therefore, the target becomes re-victimized by the very adults, school, and system which is supposed to protect her.

Here’s an example:

A girl is bullied by everyone in her class. The teacher either doesn’t see it or thinks the girl deserves it. And maybe, the teacher thinks that bullying is only a right of passage that builds character. During one occasion, the bully sitting behind the targeted girl pulls her hair. The target then gets fed up with being mistreated. Unable to tolerate any more abuse, she turns around and punches the bully who pulled her hair.

Now the teacher, very conveniently, doesn’t see the other girl pull the target’s hair. However, she does see the target turn around and punch her in the nose. Therefore, the teacher punishes the target without even considering what the other girl did to prompt her to punch her.

The message the teacher sends is crystal clear: The target has no recourse, and the bully now has carte blanche to continue bullying her in the future. So, this same scenario repeats itself a few times. And, the next thing you know, the target gets a bad name with the school staff. That’s when everyone becomes very suspicious of her.

The principal catches the target in the hall between classes. He tells her, aloud, in front of the other students, that he is watching her. The other kids, especially the bullies, overhear the principal. As a result, they take it as a green light to continue their abuse because they know they won’t be held accountable.

After all, if the target reports the bullying, who’s going to believe the “problem child?”

So, the school staff continue to harangue the target, making her situation much worse than what it needs to be. And their justification for their treatment of the target is to protect the other students who fit into what is “normal” and who obey the rules. Therefore, they use that to defend their emotional abuse of the target. It’s all an excuse for their singling her out for humiliation in front of God and everyone.

Understand that, when this occurs, the school is willingly participating in destroying another human being.

Therefore, it’s imperative that targeted students and teens hold on to their sense of self, pride, and confidence. They must hold on to those treasures with everything they have.teacher bully

It’s also crucial that parents and grandparents teach them how- they must teach these children to believe in themselves even when it seems that no one else believes in them. They must teach them to know their worth even when others don’t.

They must teach them to love and respect themselves even as others hate and disrespect them. Why? Because it is during the most difficult times that they’re need these virtues the most.

With knowledge comes power!

What Are The Far-Reaching Consequences of School Bullying and Mobbing?

How many lives could’ve been saved if we’d spoken up sooner?

For years, everyone saw bullies picking on and ganging up on targets- they saw it on the playground, the hallways, the gym, the locker room, the bathrooms, the classrooms, and on the school bus and the target was driven to act out in violence.

No one cared about any of the bullying until targets started taking matters into their own hands- more appropriately, until they started bringing guns to school and blowing their bullies away, committing suicide, or both.

It’s a shame that people had to die before we finally began to take bullying seriously. Being treated like an object for too long, instead of a living, breathing, and feeling human being can make one enraged enough to want to kill or desperate enough to escape the torment by any means (suicide).

Thankfully, not all who suffer repeated and patterned bullying and mobbing commit homicide or suicide. Most targets suffer in silence. They live depressed, isolated, bewildered, and confused because they’ve had their self-confidence stripped away. In that, they’re prevented from realizing their full potential and capabilities.

Many children and teens are terrified of getting on the school bus and many more stay silent for fear of retribution. Young targets endure torment others cannot possibly comprehend and much of the wounds and bruises are unseen. Just because someone isn’t bludgeoned, bruised, and bloodied on the outside doesn’t mean they aren’t they aren’t so inside. Physical wounds can be seen but wounds to the soul can’t.

Bullying and mobbing leave permanent scars. Even after time has gone by, the memories are still fresh. In fact, they’re so deeply entrenched that even decades later, targets can still remember the names of those who instigated the mobbing, those who joined in and partook in it, those who encouraged it, and those who pretended to be their friends but didn’t have their back and refused to help them.

As a survivor of school bullying and mobbing myself, I can tell you that I remember the names of every single one of my classmates who fell in the above categories, one of whom I thought was a close friend. I only recently stopped talking to this woman and was a fool not to have kicked her sorry butt to the curb years ago.

Every survivor I’ve ever spoken too remembers these things specifically.

Understand that when a child or teen is bullied and mobbed by virtually everyone, minor occurrences of ridicule, name-calling, and shunning may occur. However, things such as these build up over time.

What ends up breaking and killing the target’s spirit and self-image is the accumulation of so many incidences of so many classmates brutally bullying her and the fact that the abuse comes from everyone and from every direction.

But I guarantee that if you were to tell each of the target’s classmates what they were doing and tell them of the damage they had done to that targeted child, they would either deny it or respond with, “But all I did was…!”

Again, these “little attacks” come from many, many directions and over a long period of time against the same person- this is one of the biggest hallmarks of mobbing.

I’ve asked other survivors of school bullying and mobbing why they think their classmates mobbed them and not one of them knows why. Each one of these people, even decades later, wonder what they did to encourage their schoolmates to gang up on them and torment them the way that they did.

I always tell them that they did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment and that they should never blame themselves for their classmates’ atrocious behavior.

During my years of research on bullying and mobbing, I’ve learned that mobbing is always caused by a trivial conflict that’s not even personal but somehow, becomes personal later. The origins of mobbing can be anything- a potential target is a new student at the school, or the potential target says something that isn’t necessarily bad but rubs the wrong kids the wrong way.

Maybe the potential target is different, or maybe the child is highly intelligent to the point of overshadowing members of the top clique. It could be that the potential target brags about something and ticks off the rest of the class, or wears clothes that are out of fashion and the bullies use it as an excuse to torment the kid.

And long after the initial cause of the bullying is over and forgotten, the bullying continues.

Understand that if you were to ask bullies why they mobbed and tormented a certain individual, they either wouldn’t know the reason, or they would give an answer that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Therefore, targets and survivors alike must realize that the mobbing and bullying they presently struggle with or endured in the past was never about anything they said or did. It was never about them. It was always about their bullies’ own mental health issues. It was about the bullies’ senses of self-entitlement, their insecurities, feelings of self-loathing, and intense jealousy.

And once they realize these things, their self-esteem won’t take such a big hit.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Feeding Frenzy

About 200 beasts hungrily stood in line to get their pound of flesh.
The first time they saw me they envisioned meat so succulent and fresh.

As they rooted and feasted on my frail body they locked their jaws so rough.
The bloody, meaty pieces were so addictive they couldn’t get enough.

With bottomless pits, they came back for more, more, and more still.
No matter how much flesh they took, they could never get their fill.

As they looked at me from their desks with fire and brimstine in their eyes.
They salivated, smacking their lips and licking their chops and they did rise.

To the occasion.
In anticipation.

Their eyes narrowed into little slits as they bore their stained-pink teeth at me.
But although they’d sink them deeper into my jugular, my death wasn’t to be.

They smelled the fear and lusted after my blood as they anticipated.
This wolf pack stayed ravenous and were never close to satiated.

The brutal kill and resulting feast they desired but could never quite attain.
Because they could never be satisfied with even the maximum amount of pain.

These vampires, they desired to suck the lifeblood from my body until there was no more left.
Only of my life-giving blood, they could never quite leave me bereft.

So they couldn’t resist nor get enough of it’s sweet but metallic taste.
They couldn’t rip and tear severely enough, so their energy they’d only waste.

They couldn’t get enough of the deliciousness of the raw meat of power.
So in their discontent they’d sit and in bitterness they would glower.

While grinding their boot heels into the back of my neck.
In their evil favor, they had to work feverishly to stack the deck.

But surprise, I survived and my body’s gaping wounds did close and heal.
My precious life’s blood those vampires could never completely steal.

I finally escaped my evil predators and began to grow stronger.
Under their dirty, nasty, grubby paws I remained trapped no longer.

The near-fatal, bleeding wounds they inflicted soon turned to scars.
But you see? The scars bullies inflict can help you reach the stars.

When A Former Bully from School Asked Me Out

stop bullying

Today, I would have just told him “No” and let that be the end of it. The year was 1997 and I was 26 years old and seven years post high school when I ran into a guy who had harassed me mercilessly during high school. During that time I was lead singer of a band and we were doing a show at a nightclub in Memphis. It was during a fifteen-minute break between sets that I ran into him and I’ll have to admit, he was very charming, displaying the very charm which had allowed him to go undetected and escape accountability all those years ago.

I was cordial to him as I’d been to everyone who had come to watch the band. However, when he asked me out, instead of feeling honored, I felt quite insulted. My first thoughts were:

“You’ve got some nerve, buddy!”

“Do you not remember all the times during school you helped make me feel completely worthless?”

Nope refuse

“Do you not remember all the horrible names you called me? All the taunts? The jokes?”

“What make’s you think that I’d be even REMOTELY interested?”

Honestly, I would’ve had to be either stupid or desperate to go on a date with the likes of him and I believed his reasoning for it was one of either three things:

1. It was much safer for him to take me out now that we were out of school and he no longer had to face the old high school clique on a daily basis.

2. He thought I was desperate.

3. He thought I was easy.

This only made me angrier. Then I smiled and said, “Let’s talk about it after the show.”

After the show ended, we talked and I agreed to go on a date with him the following weekend. We agreed to meet at a restaurant in a neighboring town. Only I never showed up.

thumbing nose

When he called me the next day and wanted to know why I had stood him up, informing me that he’d waited for over an hour, my response was,

“You don’t know? You don’t remember all the times you made me feel so bad about myself during school? You don’t remember all the horrible names you called me? You don’t remember all the times you joined everyone else in humiliating me during school? You knew I was hurting and you didn’t give a damn! You knew I was dying inside and you didn’t care! Well, how does it feel, buster?” I shouted.

He apologized profusely, over and over again. But at that time, I just wasn’t ready to forgive him.

It was a rotten thing to do to someone, I know. However, at that time, I wasn’t as mature as I am now and I just had to make a point.

It took a while but things worked out in the end. I eventually forgave him and we became close friends.