Targets of Bullying and Social Anxiety

After being bullied for so long, targets can develop social anxiety. They withdraw from people because they fear future attacks. The target’s spirit has been beaten down and broken and the person has been abused to the point of losing faith in humanity. Also, they’re reprogrammed to believe the bullies’ lies that they aren’t worthy of love and friendship. They are under the presumption that it’s much safer not to engage in any social interaction.

But what the target doesn’t realize is that in closing himself off from the rest of the world, he unknowingly limits himself in all aspects of life.

Humans were created to socialize and to have relationships. When targets create this invisible fortress around them, it doesn’t ensure their safety but only brings about more bullying. Bullies get their power from our fear. They are like ferocious animals who can smell fear from a mile away and believe me. They take full advantage.

Moreover, targets miss out on relationships that, otherwise, could be and would be fulfilling and rewarding. They unwittingly forego opportunities for friendship, dating, even good jobs that can produce personal success and financial well-being. Because if a person doesn’t believe in themselves, no one else will- that includes potential friends, dates, and company managers and supervisors. No one wants to be friends with, date, or hire someone who isn’t sure of himself unless they have low self-esteem themselves.

People recognize, if only subconsciously, social anxiety when they see it and not only through the more obvious signs, such as quietness, avoidance, trembling, blushing, stuttering or sweaty palms.

Social anxiety can also be more covert, showing itself in less obvious ways:

  1. Excessive laughing and giggling
  2. Appearing normal on the outside but nervous and shaky on the inside
  3. Excessive humor and being overly funny or no sense of humor at all
  4. Excessive sarcasm/having a smart-alicky attitude
  5. Being overly friendly/too nice
  6. Shutting down/freezing up- unable to talk or move
  7. Meanness/rudeness
  8. Fidgeting/can’t sit still
  9. Lack of or too much eye contact
  10. Poor posture/looking down all the time
  11. Having a hard time keeping up with a conversation
  12. Talking too loudly, too fast, too soft, too slow, or not at all
  13. Indifference
  14. Excessive use of foul language
  15. Promiscuity/raciness
  16. Wearing attire that is provocative or super-revealing
  17. A style that is “perceived” as separatist or out of the ordinary (goth, punk-rock, etc.)

The difficult thing is that those covert signs don’t always mean that the person has social anxiety. Many people just have their own sense of style or they may be naturally introverted. They may also have a boisterous personality. If you do not know the person or aren’t close to them, it’s hard to tell.

But one thing that is noticeable is if the person never exhibited this kind of behavior or look before and suddenly, or within a short amount of time transitions into it. And these kinds of changes can only be noticeable to those who are close to the person or have been around the person for years.

Therefore, if you know a person who is showing these signs, instead of pointing a finger and judging them cruelly, ask questions and find out why. You may not realize that person could be a target of bullying or another form of abuse.

And if you are a target of bullying and struggling with social anxiety, I want you to know that you don’t have to live in that invisible prison forever. Bullies do not deserve value and you shouldn’t place any worth to their opinions of you. Understand that you are enough and that your bullies haven’t earned your respect nor your attention.

Only value the opinions or thoughts of the people who love you and whose opinions deserve your consideration, attention, and acknowledgement.

Start loving yourself and practicing self-care. Relax and be yourself. Embrace your flaws and quirks because we all have them whether we admit it or not. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. I promise you that you’ll be much happier and have more peace of mind when you do.

What Babies Can Teach Us About Self-Love and Confidence

Babies are so adorable! They have that charm and innocence that no other age group has. They don’t worry about what others think of them and they never try to impress others. They’re sweet, pure, completely authentic, and have hearts of gold.

Babies have not a care in the world what people think of them. They have no inhibitions whatsoever. They’re not afraid to cry and express their wants and needs. You can see it in the way little toddlers shamelessly coo, laugh, babble, skip, run, and dance in front of anyone. These little sweeties are fearless. They’re not afraid to show their emotions, express their thoughts, show their creativity.

Their precious little souls are completely open. They give, share, and receive love with an open and grateful heart. They love being loved and doted on and will receive it with a soft coo or laugh.

Everything starts with self-love and babies are a perfect example of it.

Sadly, as time passes and these babies get older, they slowly and incrementally become tainted by the ways of people and the world. Many are raised in toxic environments and by parents who are critical and abusive to them. So, they build a protective wall around themselves to try and keep the contamination out. Because their feelings get discounted, ridiculed, even punished by family members and others, they learn to mask those feelings. They collect emotional baggage as they become preschoolers, school-aged kids, then teenagers, and finally, adults.

Many are also raised by drug-addicted, mentally ill, and neglectful adults and they build walls to protect themselves from that as well. Many must learn to raise themselves.

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence are not the characteristics we’re born with. They’re instilled in us by either by well-meaning family members who wish to keep us humble and sweet, or they’re force-fed to us by bullies and abusers.

As a result, many babies grow into people who are under the false belief that they are unlovable and don’t deserve to have their wants and needs met and thus, people who are filled with either anger and self-loathing, or sad, depressed, helpless victims.

We all go through these terrible changes, even those who aren’t bullied, and only few people in this world manage to keep that confidence and joy they were born with, that is, IF there is anyone who does. Life’s disappointments, hurts, and heartaches have ways of doing these things to all of us. However, people who are bullied and abused suffer the worst changes.

They stop expressing emotions and give up asking for anything because, sometime during their childhoods, they were conditioned by other people to think that they’re self-centered and wrong for ever needing or wanting anything out of life.

Therefore, they resign themselves to the attitude that, things are “just the way they are” and that there’s nothing they can do to change anything.

And when you tell them about self-love and how important it is, they wince at the idea because it makes them uncomfortable. But, again, they have been programmed to think that self-love is somehow self-absorbed and evil. I can relate to this because, when I was thirteen and fourteen years old, I did the exact same when I was first told about the idea of self-love and self-care.

The thought of looking at myself in the mirror every day and telling myself “I love you” or “You’re beautiful,” “You’re Smart,” “You’re awesome,” etc., felt both weird and downright sickening because I was under the impression that it was all a sign of sheer vanity.

Self-love can feel downright painful after you’ve wasted years and decades hating and degrading yourself because it’s not something you’re accustomed to doing. Anything new and out of the ordinary feels painful at first. Like all things, it must become a habit first and it can only become habit through rigorous learning and practice.

‘You see? My bullies and a few abusive others had sold me on the idea that any form of self-care or self-love was abhorrent and self-serving. I was under the misguided belief that self-degradation and self-criticism was a virtue and a sign of being humble and meek. I thought that was what normal people did, as I watched a few family members do the same thing.

Some of my family members still do this at times and it breaks my heart. If only they could see, I mean, truly see their value and that they’re wonderful people who are worth more than gold.

The truth is that self-hatred is the equivalent of having a millstone hung from your neck and having to drag it around everywhere you go because it’s exhausting. It zaps your energy. It takes the magic, wonder, and excitement from your life. It keeps you stuck and worse, invites more disrespect and abuse from others.

Self-love only comes from within, never from without. It’s not something you can get from a partner, a spouse, or a boatload of friends. It doesn’t come from having a banging body or wearing fancy clothes, hairdos, or makeup. Money can’t buy self-love. Power doesn’t give it to you and neither does prestige. Self-love comes from the heart and only the heart.

Self-love is about self-acceptance and being perfectly okay with your imperfections. It comes from being comfortable in your own skin and not caring even the slightest what others think or say of you.

In order to find peace and joy in life, self-love is a must-have. It helps you to achieve your goals and realize your dreams and aspirations. It determines your outcomes- whether you succeed or fail. It helps you to better re-frame bad situations and see them as learning experiences. Self-love gives you peace of mind.

In a nutshell, self-love gives you complete freedom! It is the key to happiness and joy!

Don’t you think you deserve to be at peace with yourself? Don’t you think you deserve happiness and joy? I do.

So, be like a baby. Love yourself. Know that your true colors are vibrant and never be afraid to show them. Dance like you’ve never been ridiculed. And play like you’ve never fallen and scraped your knee. Express your emotions. Love, laugh, and live.

You’ll be surprised at how everything will change for the better! I promise!

Self-Loathing, Self-Consciousness, and Low Self-Esteem Comes From Not Knowing Who You Are

Let’s face it. We live in a society of three things that kill peace and happiness- self-loathing, self-consciousness, and low self-esteem; and it shows every day. We see people with victim mentality, people running around in fear, and people who carry unnecessary guilt.

Targets of bullying do this all the time to prove something to their classmates, neighbors, or coworkers. Even people who aren’t necessarily targets of bullying but have been brainwashed by media to believe that they’re somehow responsible for the evil in the world do the same thing. I want you to understand that you are not responsible for someone else’s atrocious and unspeakable actions.

For example, last summer, we saw on the news, where people people would kneel before certain groups to virtue signal and prove they weren’t racist, xenophobic, or homophobic. And while these people were kneeling, those they were kneeling before only laughed. It was quite pathetic.

‘You see? Here’s the thing. If you know who you are and that you aren’t any of these things, you don’t have to prove it.

My point is that that if you know who you are, what you stand for, and that you haven’t done anything wrong- if you know in your heart that you’re not what others say you are, there’s no need to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to prove otherwise.

At the same time, you absolutely must loathe evil and yes, even speak out against it. But virtue signaling isn’t necessary.

I hate racism, xenophobia, and homophobia with a passion and I speak out against it. I hate anything that marginalizes human beings on the basis of being different and not their character and their behavior.  But I won’t take responsibility for the despicable behavior of other people and I will never virtue signal to prove anything because I don’t have to.

I know who I am and I know that my virtues are there whether they’re visible or not.

So let your goodness and humanity speak for itself. Let your truth do the talking for you. Stop being afraid of conflict and of being labeled. If you’re carrying guilt that isn’t your burden to carry, stop it right now. Know that a fearful person is a controllable person. Don’t be that person!

Don’t be the person who is constantly trying to prove something to others because, in the end, you only demean and degrade yourself.

Instead, be the person who hates and speaks out against evil and wrongdoing. Be the person who shows love to people of different races, nationalities, orientations, religions, beliefs, or any other differences. But most of all, be the person who’s positivity, love, and good deeds speak for themselves. Remember that we’re all human beings deserving of dignity and love.

Be Kind to Others, Yet Remain True to Yourself and Your Needs

Yes! You can do both at the same time, but few people know where this healthy balance lies. May people are under the impression that kindness is weakness, which means that they believe that it’s a zero-sum game. They assume that you cannot be kind to others and yourself at the same time. I’m here to debunk this assumption.

Although it’s true when it goes to extremes, a healthy balance of kindness is a virtue! It’s all about keeping in that happy middle.

First, let me discuss the imbalances and extremes here:

1. Too kind or “nice.” When the niceness goes to extremes- when you’re “too nice” and let others use and walk on you, you set yourself up to be a doormat and that’s never good. A person who’s too nice is often so because they seek approval from others. So, they say yes to everything- even things they’d rather say no to. This isn’t healthy and it only attracts bullies and others who will only use and abuse you.

 2. Not kind at all- a jerk or worse, a bully. Because you’ve been hurt one too many times, you no longer care about the feelings of other people, and you treat others like crap and use them to achieve your own agenda. If you go this route, you’ll only miss opportunities to make good friends and improve your relationships with your family. You’ll always be lonely because no one wants to be around a jerk and everyone despises a bully.

The trick is to extend kindness to others and reserve your jerky side for only those who use, abuse, and disrespect you. Say no if someone asks or demands that you do something you don’t want to do. Refuse to get sucked into drama.

Extend to the janitor the same respect you give to the CEO. Treat the poor and homeless with dignity. Befriend the kid who has no friends at school. Be kind to the combat veteran with severe PTSD and who everyone thinks is crazy. Give your seat to the elderly woman using a walker. Be kind to those who are powerless and cannot do anything for you. For that’s the real test of character.

Stand up for yourself when arrogant bullies attack you and don’t back down. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, just like the next person. Command the same well-treatment that everyone else has a right to.

Don’t be too nice, but don’t be an unfeeling jerk either. And, for the love of Pete, never be a bully! Know that there’s a happy middle and stay in it.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Psst! I’ve Got a Secret! ‘Wanna Know What It Is?

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Here it is:

Charles Manson Had Many, Many Followers. Jesus Only Had Twelve. If You Are Bullied, This is for You.

If you are a victim of bullying, you probably have very few friends, if any. It’s not your fault. It really isn’t. Truth be known, you’ve more than likely been bullied by your peers for a long time now and your lack of true friends has compelled you to question your own value.

You wonder what your are doing wrong and may even wonder if you’re a good person. Your family and those who truly care about you may assure you that you are indeed a great person, yet you may be thinking, “If I’m so great, why is it that people at school or at work treat me so badly?”

Believe me, I understand, having been through the same situation and had those very thoughts once upon a time.

However, a lack of friends does not mean you’re a bad person nor does it mean you’re doing anything wrong. You are NOT weak, stupid, ugly, crazy, trash or whatever your bullies may call you. No!

In fact, you just may be doing something right! And because you’re doing the right things, you stand out for it.

Think about it this way: Charles Manson, leader of the infamous Manson Family whom were responsible for several gruesome murders back in the late sixties, had many followers. He was responsible for the murders of high-profile celebrities Sharon Tate and Abigail Folger. It’s believed that he was responsible for the murders of over a hundred people.

But Jesus Christ, on the other hand, had only twelve. He never murdered anyone. In fact, He was sinless.

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Also, several big-name celebrities, such as Taylor Swift, Tamar Braxton, Lady Gaga, Prince, Tom Cruise, and Patrick Swayze also got bullied either in a past job, in school or sometime in their pasts and they were very talented and exceptional people. Some of them still get bullied today via hate mail or hate messages online.

Case in point: People who are great, uber talented, exceptional always stand out from the rest. And those who stand out will be targeted by bullies. Do you understand now? Great! I knew that you would!

Rest assured that despite the vile treatment that you may be getting from others, you are awesome and you still matter! Keep standing strong and never let bullies define who you are!

Confidence is Everything!

Confidence is the most important characteristic you can ever have, not only during school to ward off bullies, but all through life. It does not matter how smart you are or how high your grades are.

You can have five PhDs and be the smartest person on the face of the earth. But if you don’t have confidence, you will not be able to effectively communicate nor interact with people. Your social/people skills will be lacking and you won’t get anywhere in life.

Whether you choose to believe this, the reality is that other people really do have control over whether we succeed or fail in life. Other people are the gatekeepers to our success and if you think otherwise, you are only fooling yourself.

I’ll give you a few examples: You can’t get that high position you want without being selected for the job by another person- the interviewer, who could be the owner of the company, an HR manager, or supervisor.

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Even during school, although the vast majority of teachers and professors are honest and grade students fairly regardless of how they may feel about the individual, it’s still not unheard of for a student to receive a failing grade solely because the instructor didn’t like them. It does happen, though not often.

Confidence= great people skills= charm= great friends and connections= success!!! Great people skills will always trump smarts, good grades, high marks, and college degrees! Always!

Confidence, or lack thereof, is something that people notice right away when they meet you for the first time. When you walk into a job interview and meet your interviewer, he is going to notice right away whether you are confident in yourself and if you’re not, chances are very unlikely that you will get hired for that esteemed position that you have been coveting. The reason for this is that if you’re not confident in yourself, how then can you expect others to be confident in you?

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Make no mistake about it. Confidence is the number one ingredient in all areas of your life. It’s the first trait that potential employers look for and not only potential employers but also prospective associates, prospective customers, friends, and dates. Whether or not you are confident is something that everyone looks at unless they are so low on confidence themselves that they can’t afford to be the least bit selective.

This is why you must never let a bully take away your confidence. If another person has already taken it away, you must fight like crazy to get it back. You do this by surrounding yourself with people who love you and lift you up, doing the things you enjoy and are good at, showing off your talents, taking care of yourself, and taking pride in yourself and in your appearance. Only then will you begin to see your own worth.

If a person steals your confidence, they also steal your potential for success and happy life. In short, they steal your future. Bullies are confidence thieves! Never surrender your confidence to anyone! This brings me back to Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said it best when he made this quote:

“If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.”

How right he was!

Self-Loathing, Self-Consciousness, and Low Self-Esteem Comes from Not Knowing Who You Are

Let’s face it. We live in a society of three things that kill peace and happiness- self-loathing, self-consciousness, and low self-esteem; and it shows every day. We see people with victim mentality, people running around in fear, and people who carry unnecessary guilt.

Targets of bullying do things that they normally wouldn’t do, even things that are degrading and self-depreciating. And they do it to prove something to their classmates, neighbors, or coworkers. Even people who aren’t necessarily targets of bullying but have been brainwashed by media to believe that they’re somehow responsible for the evil in the world do the same thing. I want you to understand that you are not responsible for someone else’s atrocious and unspeakable acts.

You can’t be. And the reason why you can’t be responsible for the horrible behavior of other people is because- wait for it, wait for it…

It’s because you can never control the actions or behavior of another person. The only behavior you have any control over is that of your own.

For example, last summer, we saw on the news, where people would kneel before certain groups to virtue signal and prove they weren’t racist, xenophobic, or homophobic. And while these people were kneeling, those they were kneeling before only laughed. It was quite pathetic.

‘You see? Here’s the thing. If you know who you are and that you aren’t any of these things, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

My point is that that if you know who you are, what you stand for, and that you haven’t done anything wrong- if you know in your heart that you’re not what others say you are, there’s no need to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to prove otherwise.

At the same time, you absolutely must loathe evil and yes, even speak out against it. But virtue signaling isn’t necessary.

I hate racism, xenophobia, and homophobia with a passion and I speak against it. I hate anything that marginalizes human beings on the basis of being different and not their character and their behavior.  But I won’t take responsibility for the despicable behavior of other people and I will never virtue signal to prove anything because I don’t have to.

I know who I am and I know that my virtues are there whether they’re visible or not.

So let your goodness and humanity speak for itself. Let your truth do the talking for you. Stop being afraid of being labeled and running away from conflict. If you’re carrying guilt that isn’t your burden to carry, stop it right now. Know that a fearful person is a controllable person. Don’t be that person!

Don’t be the person who is constantly trying to prove something to others because, in the end, you only demean and degrade yourself.

Instead, be the person who hates and speaks out against evil and wrongdoing. Be the person who shows love to people of different body types, races, nationalities, orientations, religions, beliefs, abilities, or any other differences. More importantly, be the person who lets their natural actions true nature shine through and speak for them.

Remember that we’re all human beings. And if you, as an individual, knows who you are and you’ve done no harm to another person and don’t share the beliefs and opinions of a few ignoramuses,  you have nothing to feel guilty of.

Realize that at certain times in life, you may be thrown into the same group as some very evil and demonic people and you may even be judged by their actions because of some physical trait you may have in common with them. But know this.

If you’ve done nothing wrong and have tried your due diligence to be fair and be the best person you can possibly be, know that you’re deserving of love and human dignity no matter what category you may be lumped into. And you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself.