In Part 1, we discussed frenemies and the gradual but growing hot/cold, waxing and waning in their behavior, which snowballs into a terrible lashing of venom that leaves a target both shocked and hurt.

Again, if you’ve ever found yourself on the receiving end of a frenemy’s poison, rest assured that none of it was your fault and you were not the person with the issue. Understand that in using this hot/cold, nice/nasty cycle, the frenemy only used what is termed, “The Push/Pull Method” on you. This push and pull technique is exactly how it sounds: the frenemy pulls the target in, pushes him/her away, then pulls them in again. This back and forth cycle is specifically designed to hook you into the friendship and throw you off your game! Realize that the person was more than likely never your friend!

You may ask yourself these questions:

“If this person was never my friend and never liked me to begin with, why then did they exert such much effort to get close to me?”

“Why did this person latch on to me in the first place?”

Jealousy was most likely the culprit. Your frenemy (or frenemies) was intensely jealous of something you possessed and wanted a way to punish you for having something…anything they only wished they had. They wanted to bring you down a few notches…to put you in your place…to cut you down to size! Rather than a direct, frontal assault, they preferred to out-flank you by carefully cozying up to you, tricking you into dropping your defenses and winning your complete trust to get close to you!

Another reason could be that the frenemy somehow gets an ego-boost from being “friends” with you and the thought of being seen with you!

Understand that this closeness is a way to hook you into the friendship, then gather intimate, personal details about your life and personality, to suss out any weaknesses or less-than-desirable qualities you have. Fake-friends are like police detectives who attempt to build a case against you. Once they gather the intel they need, they then exploit this information, using it as a weapon to harm you, ruining your reputation and sabotaging your personal relationships and associations.

When you finally get fed up, put your foot down and end the friendship, the frenemy then paints you as the mean, mentally-unbalanced, or selfish person and trumpets any dirt collected on you to anyone who will listen to them. I want you to understand that this is how frenemies operate. People such as these are very sneaky, meticulous, and worst of all, patient!

It is much better to have full-blown enemies than frenemies because, with an enemy, you always know where you stand and can more easily avoid contact. Frenemies, however, (especially those who are superiorly charming and persuasive) have ways of reeling you in and keeping you dependent on their approval and acceptance. And if you are a victim of bullying, the relationship is much harder to get out of because you’re afraid of going back to being friendless. But wouldn’t you rather be to yourself than to keep company with people who only wish to bring you down? I know I would!

Remember that a smiling face does not a friend make. Not everyone who heartily pats you on the back has your best interests at heart. There are red flags you can look for and speed in the progression of the friendship is a major red flag! Anytime someone is so quick to call you a friend, be alert! Alternating hot and cold (flip-flopping) and micro-flashes of contempt and hostility in their body language are also warnings you should be aware of!

In these scenarios, the best you can do is to step back and maintain plenty of distance between you and the person in question. Only then is it possible to observe them and figure out their true motivations and intentions!

Every single one of us has had that one “friend” or that handful of “friends” if that’s what you prefer to call them. They seem to really like us and want to be around us all the time. They cozy up to us very quickly (too quickly), seemingly mesmerized by us, bombarding us with attention and laying the flattery on super-thick really early in the relationship and wanting so badly to be a part of our lives. They butter us up with compliments, smile at us and pat us on the back, making us feel great about ourselves. If you’re being bullied and are feeling insecure like I was years ago, this is such a welcome change!

You’re bullied, lonely, rejected and this seems to be just the thing you’ve been waiting for, giving you that much-needed shot of dopamine you’ve been craving for so long! Suddenly you feel great about yourself and think that maybe, the bullying might be coming to an end. Soon, however, you notice subtle signs in the person that doesn’t feel so good, occasionally seeing out of the corner of your eye those split-second flashes of disdain on the faces of your “new friends”…a sneer here, an evil, piercing glance there.

Although your gut begins to sound off, telling you that something is “off” about this person (or these people), you only mentally make excuses for them.

“Maybe he/she is having a rough day.”
“Maybe someone made him/her angry before they came to visit.”
“Maybe they’re just in a bad mood.”

Wanting to believe the very best of the person(s), you mentally explain away the signs which are only telling you that something just isn’t right. Then, when it happens again, you begin to ask yourself,

“Was it something I said or something I did accidentally to offend this person?”

Next, your new buddy or buddies seem cold toward you. They begin to alternate hot and cold and you’re left bewildered as to the causation, all the while your sixth sense is telling you to put some distance yourself and these people and to do it fast! But you don’t because this person is a friend. You love them and don’t want to seem like a heel or that you don’t appreciate their friendship. Also, the bullies have suddenly disappeared and you want to keep it this way. Even worse and more pathetic, you dread the possibility of going back to square one…eating your lunch alone, walking alone in the halls and once again, being the target of bullies. So, you continue to tolerate behavior which is unacceptable because, deep down, you don’t think that you can find better people to be pals with. You’ve been bullied and shamed for so long that you have actually forgotten what a true friend is and what it’s like to have one.

When you finally work up the nerve to ask the person about his/her behavior, they either lie about the behavior, downplay it or worse, tell you that you’re imagining things or being too sensitive. However, as time goes by, those tiny micro-expressions of ire, the split-second glares and subtle, back-handed compliments and coldness only become more frequent! Now, your Spidey-Senses are screaming! Others you thought were decent toward you are now giving you the silent treatment and you don’t know why.

Suddenly, BAM! It happens! The person lashes out at you for reasons that are so trivial, or worse, reasons which seem to be made up! You know you should tell them to take a hike, but you only blame yourself or give misplaced apologies instead, looking even more pathetic to bystanders and witnesses! Even worse, now, you look like an even bigger target to bullies!

(To be continued in Part 2…)

It’s that stare, which makes the hairs stand on the back of your neck! You know the one- that creepy, bone-chilling look bullies give you that makes you stop whatever you are doing or clam up if you’re talking when they do it? Yeah. That one! They look at you so intensely, making you feel as if you’re under a microscope! What’s even scarier is that the person doing the staring is eerily calm, so still and doesn’t move a muscle, nor even blink! Those angry, icy-cold eyes relentlessly bore into you like a blow poke, looking as if they could jump out at you and attack you at any moment! It reminds you of a wolf standing ever so still and eying an antelope…anticipating it’s next meal! Weird, no?

This happened to me on many occasions in middle and high school. I didn’t know what it was, nor why and I couldn’t find the words to describe nor explain it. I only knew how it made me feel! To say that it was unnerving would be an understatement! It was downright creepy!

It felt as if my school bullies were studying me, searching for something, scanning the very depths of my soul while staying ever so calm, ever so still and not saying a word…not the slightest micro-twitch whatsoever while they were doing it! Ewww! It made me want to run and get as far away from them as I possibly could.

This is not to say that all staring is necessarily bad because if a person likes you and has feelings for you, they may also stare, with their pupils dilating and crinkles forming around the eyes every time they look at you. However, the look bullies give you is much different. Their pupils only constrict, becoming tiny black holes in the irises of their eyes and the stare is a cold, prolonged “I’m going to kill you” look which stops you cold! This is the best way I can describe it.

Now that I’m older and have done years of reading and study, I want to warn you that if ever you notice anyone looking at you this way, you must get clear of that person fast because they are studying you, trying to ferret out any weaknesses they can exploit and ways they can attack you with maximum effect! They also display that look to intimidate you and throw you off kilter and if they succeed in doing so, it gives them a sense of power! Understand that bullies are sociopaths and the weird and psychotic looks they give you is covert and serves to shield them from detection and accountability! Also, know that covert/indirect bullies are cowards at heart and this is how they roll!

I have a Spidey-sense when it comes to people. I automatically pay attention to others’ non-verbal communication, also their silences, the clothes they wear, the arrangement of objects in their homes and work spaces, patterns in their breathing, tensions they have in certain muscles (mainly the neck and jawline),and subtext in conversations. I even pay attention to their feet! In participating in or listening to conversations, I home in on what is implied, rather than what is said. There is no such thing as an action which doesn’t communicate something.

Having been bullied in school ended up making me a very accurate people-reader. If there’s anyone who will teach you the level of evil human beings are capable of, it’s bullies. Once you have suffered the vicious onslaught of a bully or group of bullies over an extended period of time, your people senses sharpen tremendously, allowing you to better pick up on body language, facial expressions, tonality, and the hidden emotions/intentions of others around you. Even better, you learn to read those split-second flashes or micro-expressions most others miss. Why? Because it is key to your survival!

This is only natural. An example of this would be a person who has lost their sight. We’ve heard stories of people whom have suddenly gone blind and these same people reported that the other four senses automatically sharpened to compensate for the lost ability to see, which is only a natural survival mechanism of the body. It is the same when someone is bullied.

A victim of bullying is in a constant state of being threatened, both physically and psychologically. In order to survive, the person’s “sixth sense” and the ability to even better read non-verbal communication heightens to near perfection. Again, this is only the brain’s and body’s way of protecting them. Understand that what compels a person to hon certain powers is always…ALWAYS necessity. If we feel that our survival depends on how well we read the emotions, moods and intentions of those around us, we will find a way to tap into that power and learn it…and learn it forward, backwards, upside down and sideways!

Understand that people-reading isn’t only about doing it with your eyes and ears. It goes much deeper. It’s also about using your gut, tuning into their moods and feeling those moods. You must learn to sense the vibrations that others put out!

I can automatically feel the moods of others, sensing every vibe they emit and honestly, some of what I’ve felt in those around me didn’t feel good and was downright scary! However, I consider myself blessed to have this ability because it keeps me safe. As an adult, I now know how to avoid unsavory people. Even better, I no longer am bullied and haven’t been in years!

Learning the art of people-reading is an absolute must if you find yourself on constant defense against bullies. All it takes is to stand back and quietly observe the people around you and you don’t have to stare a hole through them to do it. You can always watch people without looking directly at them by using your peripheral vision to do so. So, why not start today?

The sooner you begin, the sooner this will become like second-nature to you. The more and the longer you practice, the better you will become. Know that everything people do…the way they walk, talk, stand, sit, eat, arrange things in their environment, the types of people they associate with…EVERYTHING they do gives clues as to their moods, their character and most importantly, whether or not they are for or against you.

So, keep your eyes, ears AND spidey-senses peeled!

If there’s one thing small towns are known for, it’s gossip. If you find yourself unfortunate enough to be a victim of bullies in a small town, gossip about your (perceived) transgressions has reached from city limits to city limits…at light speed. However, take it from someone who has been there. Bullies get talked about too, only people never talk openly about them. Because the talkers fear becoming the bullies’ next targets, the talk is always in secret.

Believe me, you aren’t the only one being victimized. There are others. But because the others more than likely won’t admit to being bullied and because bullies will never tell you if there are others, you never hear about it and therefore, mistakenly think that you are the only one they pick on.

If you are a victim of bullies, it would be in your best interest to find out who your bullies’ enemies are and align yourself with them. It’s what I did and boy, did I find out some really juicy tidbits about their lives…most of which is rather embarrassing information!

I didn’t have to ask. I would only sit or stand quietly, observe and listen! Bullies may think they’re stars, but scratch the surface and you’ll discover that they don’t shine so brightly after all.

One of my bullies is now a nurse and I am good friends with several nurses whom have had the displeasure of working with her. In their words, “she is as incompetent as they come.”. Also, she has a big family secret and if you’ve lived in the same town that she lives in long enough, you know what that secret is. I’ll stop here to protect privacy. This same woman has for years bounced from one job to another, either getting fired or quitting when things didn’t go her way. She has also been through five, maybe six marriages.

Another bully dropped out of high school and ended up working as a waitress. She now owns her own restaurant but barely breaks even. Several others are incarcerated or have been, with one being convicted of murder and another convicted of armed robbery, running guns and possession of illegal substances.

The bullies I battled in school are only ordinary people, yet most of them, even today, continue trying like mad to keep up with the Jones’s, making everyone think they have beaten the rat race, and failing miserably. Most have never left the small town and still put on the facade of power and a perfect life. It’s hilarious when you really think about it.

Bullies aren’t as important or invincible as they put on. It’s only an act! People such as these must work hard to maintain the facades they put on and the reason they give victims a difficult time is because victims don’t have to work that hard. They simply choose to be themselves. How do I know this? Because I ingratiated myself into the good graces of the enemies of my bullies and would get an earful every time we got together.

Any information you get about your bullies is valuable to you. Always! Because it can then be used as leverage should the bullies come for you.

Make no mistake. Bullies have enemies…LOTS of them! However, they will never in a million years tell you about it. They don’t want you to believe that others disrespect them behind their backs because it would shatter the image of invincibility they’ve set for themselves. Instead, they want you to believe that everyone loves them and thinks they are the best things since the invention of the wheel. And they want you to believe it because they want you to feel bad about yourself.

Put another way, if bullies can make you think that everyone loves them, then you’re more likely to believe the lie they drum into your head every day. That you’re just plain garbage. Because a bully’s popularity and greatness (perceived or not) only serves to re-enforce any dislike the target has for themselves after they’ve been bullied for so long.

Please don’t let this happen to you. Befriend your bullies’ enemies. Open your eyes not only to your great value and worth, but also to the facades your bullies hide behind and the acts they put on. I guarantee that your self-esteem will skyrocket.

If you are a victim of bullying, you probably have very few friends, if any. It’s not your fault. It really isn’t. Truth be known, you’ve more than likely been bullied by your peers for a long time now and your lack of true friends has compelled you to question your own value. You wonder what your are doing wrong and may even wonder if you’re a good person. Your family and those who truly care about you may assure you that you are indeed a great person, yet you may be thinking, “If I’m so great, why is it that people at school or at work treat me so badly?”. Believe me, I understand, having been through the same situation and had those very thoughts once upon a time.

However, a lack of friends does not mean you’re a bad person nor does it mean you’re doing anything wrong. You are NOT weak, stupid, ugly, crazy, trash or whatever your bullies may call you. No!

In fact, you just may be doing something right! And because you’re doing the right things, you stand out for it.

Think about it this way: Charles Manson, leader of the infamous Manson Family whom were responsible for several gruesome murders back in the late sixties, had many followers. Jesus Christ, on the other hand, had only twelve.

Also, several big-named celebrities, such as Taylor Swift, Tamar Braxton, Lady Gaga, Prince, Tom Cruise, and Patrick Swayze also got bullied either in school or sometime in their pasts and they were very talented and exceptional people. Some of them still get bullied today via hate mail or hate messages online.

Case in point: People who are great, uber-talented, exceptional always stand out from the rest. And those who stand out will be targeted by bullies. Do you understand now? Great! I knew that you would!

Rest assured that despite the vile treatment that you may be getting from others, you are awesome and you still matter! Keep standing strong and never let bullies define who you are!

I have written stories since childhood. I was a child struggling with bullying and being accepted by others when I discovered the cathartic benefits of writing. In writing, I found that I could finally have a voice…a say…and from there, I took my new hobby and run with it. I honestly believe that writing and music saved my life!

This book is one I originally wrote years ago, during my pregnancy with my second child. Because self-publishing was almost unheard of back then and the publishing houses only wanted stories from people who were already famous, I kept the manuscript put away until the opportunities for publication finally presented themselves.

I would like to thank my family, friends and everyone whom supported me in the creation and publication of this book. Also, I have a message for aspiring authors: Don’t give up on your dream. If you continue to work hard and keep a positive mindset, a door will eventually open and you will become published! I promise!

SYNOPSIS:

“Chastity Diane Baker is a teenage prostitute and meth junkie living on the streets of Memphis. After being arrested by Detective Charles Riddick and hitting rock-bottom, she makes herself a solemn vow, that she would leave prostitution and drugs behind and live a better life.

Making good on her vow, Chas takes the necessary steps to improve her life, only she cannot seem to outrun her past. Her past mistakes follow her in the forms of a sadistic and vindictive ex-pimp and drug-supplier, who now wants her dead, different people who know her from her darker days and cruelly pass judgement on her, circumstances that arise and present themselves as roadblocks to her progress and her arresting officer, who now wants to protect her and eventually falls in love with her.

Despite constant adversity, Chas keeps her eyes on her goals and continues with focused determination. Will she escape the wrath of her ex-pimp or will she die? Will she reach success or will she let adversity, haters, and her own insecurity and negative feelings about her past bring yet even more failure? Will she be living proof that the old statement, ‘Once a hooker, always a hooker’ doesn’t always ring true?”

Wishing everyone a very happy and prosperous new year!

The most insidious thing about being a victim of bullying is the loss of opportunities to meet new people and inability to move on with new friends. When your good name has been unjustly slandered/libeled, even total strangers will no doubt hear of you and chances are, they will automatically have their minds made up about you before they get a chance to meet you.

What’s even scarier is that you are left completely defenseless against any attack these strangers may bring because you haven’t the slightest idea who they are. How do you know who to watch out for? How do you know who to avoid? It’s impossible to protect yourself from enemies who are invisible.

It is a situation in which you are walking blind…a situation, which is very dangerous! You cannot see the enemy. Someone could walk right up to you on the street, in broad daylight, with a gun in the back waste of their pants and you would never know of their intent to shoot you until it was too late.

Remember. We lost the Vietnam War because we didn’t know who the enemy was! We didn’t know exactly who was or wasn’t on our side!

It’s the same when you are a victim of bullying, especially if you live in a rural area, where everyone knows everyone. Once your tarnished reputation reaches far and wide, there will be times when you won’t know who is coming for you and it will be as if you are fighting ghosts.

“Nobody will ever love me.”
“Nothing positive can ever happen for me.”
“Human beings, in general are predators and love drama.”

Those were once my beliefs.

When a person is being bullied, they make it a point to play everything safe and settle for far less than what he/she deserves. Why? Because they have been told that they aren’t good enough for so long that they have begun to believe it themselves and do not think that anything positive can ever happen for them. Also, victims lose faith in humanity and come to believe that all people are rotten and take pleasure in harming others. As a result, they lose their trust in humans in general, which only causes them lose out on what could be truly awesome friendships and relationships and re-enforce loneliness and isolation.

This is what bullying does to victims. It smashes their self-esteems to pieces, which can sometimes take years to put back together again, causing them to do things that they normally would never do. I say this because it happened to me.

During the years that I was bullied in school, I did not trust anyone. I selected friends I really didn’t want to be friends with, dated guys whom I wasn’t even remotely attracted to…all because I believed I couldn’t do any better. I did this to avoid being alone. As long as there was a warm body around, it was “good enough”. I didn’t realize that not only was I being unfair to myself, but also the people I selected. I deserved to be with people whom I WANTED TO BE WITH and whom were upstanding and positive, and they deserved to be with people who were with them because they chose to be, not because they were the only option.

Here is another thing victims do as a result of bullying, they never give themselves permission to be selfish, not knowing that sometimes a little bit of selfishness is okay, even imperative at times! This is because victims are often accused of being selfish when they are only caring for themselves and shamed into believing that anything they do for themselves is bad. Therefore, they put themselves on the back burner and everyone else comes first, often at the victim’s own expense!

It happened to me. I became shy and shut people out for fear of being harmed. I was afraid to say “no” to people because in the past, I had been retaliated against and hurt for daring to set a boundary. I was simply forbidden to set boundaries and was expected to or forced to “let” others violate me. It was a terrible situation, which caused me not to value myself as a person.

Thankfully, things are much different today! I want you to know that when you are being bullied, placing worth on yourself is the most important thing you can do. Always…ALWAYS value yourself, even when it seems that others don’t because it will save your self esteem. Keep fighting even when it seems that you’re losing the battle because oftentimes, when things look the bleakest, your breakthrough or relief is just around the corner.

Always love yourself and put yourself first, then reach out to only those who reciprocate love and positive feelings to you. Turn a deaf ear to the negative talk bullies may attempt to fill your head with. Better yet, send those toxic parasites packing! Because you’re worth it! I promise you!

A sincere apology and owning up to any error often shows great strength and bravery. It takes a person with integrity to apologize for any wrong doing because few people will admit they are “wrong”.

However, an apology or admission, no matter how sincere or genuine, can also be taken as a sign of weakness in the presence of bullies or anyone who lacks integrity. We all live life on a basis of trial and error. In fact, put another way, life is trial and error and to grow and mature as a person, one must own his/her mistakes and wrong doings. Admitting mistakes and giving a well-deserved apology to someone we have transgressed against is a sign of honor and integrity. Only not to those who lack those qualities!

Yes, you should have an open mind, you should be empathetic, generous and kind but only in the presence of and to the people who reciprocate the same toward you. In the presence of bullies, on the other hand, extending those virtues is next to impossible and can be downright dangerous! Here’s why:

A bully will take your heartfelt apology, turn it against you and steamroll you with it! Because he will only take it as further evidence that he’s right, or worse…that you are a terrible person, clumsy, stupid…take your pick. Your apology or admission will only serve bullies’ plans to assert control over you and keep it. To a bully without a conscience, any apology made by his/her victim only looks like a waving white flag of surrender. Therefore, you must make sure that you’re in a safe environment before extending one. Here are a few examples:

Victim: “I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
Bully: “Damn right you were wrong! Oh, you’re sorry alright…a sorry sack of crap!
Victim: “Hey! What’s your problem? I just apologized!”
Bully: “Screw your apology! Your apology means nothing! You only apologize to cover your own butt!”

When I was a victim of bullying during school, I had a bad habit of over-apologizing, which is all too easy to get into anytime you are a victim of any form of abuse. So, you apologize emphatically, even when an apology isn’t necessary and you do this in order to appease the abuser and avoid being harmed.

I have since learned that with bullies, your apology should be more indirect. I’ll say it again. A direct apology will only make you seem weak to a bully and provide assurance to her that she has power over you! Here are a few examples of indirect apologies and they’re what has worked for me:

“Oh, relax! You’ll be alright.”
“You’ll forget all about this by the end of the day.”
“You’ll get over it.”

The above examples may seem callous, unfeeling and cold. However, it allows you to express empathy without accepting blame. Always remember that bullies lack integrity and a conscience and any of the two shown in the presence of those who don’t have it will be shot down. Apologize, yes! But do it without taking any blame. Do it with POWER!

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