Bullies and Self-Victimization

To put it in simplest terms, bullies target someone less powerful, then claim to be the ones who are bullied once the target calls out their behavior. It’s a classic move and, gladly, it’s easy to expose if you know the playbook and know what to look for.

Therefore, any time a bully targets you and you call them out for it, I want you to expect this to happen and prepare for it.

Realize that bullies despise resistance to their abuse, and, even worse, they hate it when you expose them. Any time bullies meet resistance to their evil, deceptive manipulations, voila! They suddenly claim that you are bullying them!

Bullies very convincingly cast themselves as so marginalized, so fragile, and so oppressed that anyone who dares to call them out on their shit are labeled “bullies.” Any criticisms or even questions of their actions and behavior is suddenly deemed “bullying.” Convenient, no?

Bullies do this by crying crocodile tears, using trending tropes of the day, and rationalizing their behavior, making everyone believe that they were only defending themselves or reacting to your bullying. And trust me, they’re good at it.

Bullies instinctively know that the best way to silence criticisms and reports of their ugly ways is to self-victimize. And sadly, it works like a charm!

blame point fingers

Fortunately, society is just now catching on to this and it’s long overdue. Also, there are names for this that didn’t exist thirty years ago, and, if they did exist then, they weren’t well-known. So, targets can now call these tactics by name and better describe what’s happening to them.

Every day, society is learning more and more about the bully-target dynamic. This, in itself, is promising to targets.

“Get Over It!”

Studio shot of playful disobedient adult son in red t-shirt, covering ears with index finger and saying lalala while wanting mom get mad, standing indifferent to argue, being impolite and childish.

“Get over it!”

“Let it go!”

“Forget about it!”

How many of you have been told to do either of these? As if you could just wiggle your nose and everything is peachy king. When you’ve been abused, you cannot just let it go. Healing takes time.

The emotions you feel won’t just go away. Even if you paint a smile on your face and pretend that nothing’s wrong, these feelings will still be there, simmering under the surface, and the more you try to stuff them down and bury them, the more damage it will cause.

Understand that the emotions you’re feeling are there for a reason. They warn you that something isn’t right. Realize that the anger and hurt doesn’t disappear overnight and the people who give you that kind of response are ignorant and only re-abuse you when they demand that you “get over it.”

In order to heal and get your life back again, you must allow yourself to feel those raw emotions. No, it isn’t comfortable. No one wants to feel pain. But you must go through it to come out on the other side of it. And while you’re moving through the pain, practice self-care.

Give yourself some TLC. Have self-compassion. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to baby yourself.

Take a few days off. Lounge around the house in your pajamas if you want to. Eat your favorite treat or give yourself a good, sweaty workout. Treat yourself to a spa-day, facial, new do, or a beach vacation. Your first priority is self-care, whatever it may be for you.

Last and most important, don’t shut up! Keep speaking out and standing in your truth. Self-care also means being your own advocate and if people don’t like it, too bad.

Put yourself first!

Who’s the Real Target?

If you want to know who the real target of bullying is,

ask yourself who has the least power.

Ask yourself who has the least social capital.

Ask yourself who has the least influence.

Ask yourself who has the least friends.

Ask yourself who is liked or loved the least.

Ask yourself who is most hated.

Ask yourself which person people can openly abuse and get away with it.

Ask yourself these questions and the answer will be crystal clear.

Who Are the Real Bullies?

If you want to know who the real bully is, ask yourself these questions:

“Who has the most power?”

“Who has the most social capital?”

But most importantly, ask yourself these questions:

“Who are the people no one is allowed to criticize?”

“Who are the people everyone is AFRAID to criticize or even question?”

“Who are the sacred cows- the people who seem to be untouchable and beyond reproach?”

“Who can openly inflict abuse on people and get away with it?”

If you can answer these questions honestly, you know who the bullies are.