Bullies want you to believe that you’re nothing without their approval.
They want you to think that they control your very existence and that you can’t make friends, find a date, make the sports team, win a prize or have any successes without their say so.
Understand that this is how they brainwash you to wrest complete control and domination over your life. If they can make you believe that you’re nothing without their approval, then they succeed in taking away your power!
But know this! You do not need approval from anyone except the people who love you back. If the person doesn’t see your worth, their opinions of you shouldn’t matter.
Haters hate because of their own insecurities. They’re the type of people who resent everyone who dares to do better than them. And they’re everywhere! You see them at school, in the workplace, in the neighborhood, and even in the family!
Haters are people who go out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself. They badmouth you, discourage you, give scathing reviews, undermine your achievements, and sabotage you to slow down or stop your progress.
Here are things haters will say when they find out you’ve succeeded at something:
1. “Oh, but you’ll never do that.”
2. “Oh, but you can’t.”
3. “She recorded a CD? Well, she didn’t do much! Anybody can do that!”
4. “She’s not so hot!”
5. “She thinks she’s so (pretty, so much smarter than everyone else, etc.).
When your hater sees you happy and doing good for yourself, it makes her feel worthless and she’ll stop at nothing to block any success you aim for. Understand that these people may or may not want the success for themselves, the power (and pleasure) is in the taking of yours.
Haters hate because they feel inadequate. Therefore, they must make you feel inadequate. Do you see where this is going?
Haters will come at you with a barrage of insults and name-calling. They may talk trash behind your back and try to kill your relationships. And you don’t necessarily have to be successful to have haters.
In fact, you might not even know why they’re hating on you. But understand that if you know you haven’t provoked them in any way, it’s a good bet that it all comes from jealousy! There’s something you have that they don’t and they don’t think they can get. Or, there’s something you’re getting to do that they can’t do.
Realize that your success highlights and reminds them of their failures. And the only thing haters can do to feel good about themselves is either insult and ridicule you, or avoid you altogether. And in doing so, they get to forget about their unfulfilled dreams.
They’re only raking you through the mud because the mere sight of you reminds them of what they could never achieve.
It only goes to show that there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s not your fault that these people are either too scared or too lazy to put in the work required to live the life they want to live.
I want you to realize that the hatred itself is an admission of your awesomeness, your worthiness, and your value. It is the confession of your accomplishments. It is also the unspoken admission of their fear, insecurity, and inferiority; and a testament to their cowardice, laziness, and lack of confidence!
Because if the haters had any confidence in themselves, you wouldn’t trigger so much hatred in them, you would only trigger motivation. You would inspire them to get off their butts and work to reach their goals and dreams.
Instead of hating you, they would look up to you and want you to mentor them!
This is why you should never allow them to make you feel bad about yourself, or guilty for your successes and for having something they don’t. Instead, you should use their hate as your motivation to achieve greater success. Hate should be used as fuel! There’s a reason why it’s often said that “Haters make you famous!”
Success produces enemies, always! Accept it. Better yet, embrace it and love it!
Many times, I’ve noticed that it’s the quiet person who often gets targeted by bullies. So, why do bullies go after those who have little to say? The silent types usually mind their own business. They have no need for attention, and they don’t bother anyone.
Quiet people don’t feel the need to be a part of a group to feel important. They work hard and stay out of the way. So, again. Why do bullies target them?
There are several reasons:
1. Bullies presume them to be weak and timid. Most people are under the misguided belief that anyone quiet is afraid of conflict. They think that the silent types are socially awkward misfits who others have shot down in the past and are now using avoidance to play it safe.
But in reality, they have better things to do and have no time for gossip and other meaningless chit-chats.
2. Bullies mistakenly believe they’re least likely to stand up for themselves. Unfortunately, bullies think that because someone isn’t loud and obnoxious like they are, they won’t defend themselves when provoked. This is a fallacy. I’ve seen many bullies push silents too far and end up with a face-full of humble pie.
3. They’re are mistaken for being standoffish. Bullies will presume that silents are stuck up and think they’re too good to speak. And bullies can’t stand it if there’s a possibility that someone is ignoring them. So they target the person to get a reaction out of them. Or, they punish them for “being so stuck up.”
4. The silent are thought of as sneaky and having something to hide. So bullies will often target them to shake them up and make them slip up and accidentally reveal “whatever it is they’re hiding” out of nervousness.
Bullies often believe the stereotypes they’ve heard about people of few words:
“It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for!”
“The quiet ones are the most dangerous!”
But wait! It goes much deeper.
5. Quiet people intimidate bullies. Only the bullies will never in this lifetime admit it. So, why would someone so silent be so intimidating to bullies?
a. They’re unpredictable. Remember that bullies rely on a target’s predictability to bully effectively. And if you can’t predict what a person’s next move is likely to be, that, in and of itself, can be very frightening. And if the person is the kind who’s stoic, all the more difficult it will be to “get their number.” The less you say, the harder others must work to figure you out.
Also, many bullies see the silence as a challenge and will rise to it by provoking the person to get a reaction.
b. Having little to say keeps people off balance. If bullies can’t figure out where you stand on anything, where your hot buttons are, or your desires, likes, and dislikes, they have less fodder and ammo to use against you.
And if they aren’t sure what gets you excited, ticks you off, or makes you nervous, they can’t control you so easily.
Also, because you don’t show your cards, bullies resent you for making them work so hard to pin them.
c. Quiet people expose bullies by staying- well, quiet! They’re very in tune with what goes on around them and listen very deeply while those around them rattle off at the mouth, exposing everything about themselves.
d. In their silence, quiet people terrify bullies. They keep them under their control. Subconsciously, bullies know this, and it drives them nuts!
e. People desire to know what others are thinking. Again. Quiet people make bullies uncomfortable and their silence makes it difficult to guess their intentions.
f. Quiet people put bullies on the defensive. Their answers are short and silences are long, which automatically puts bullies on the defense because the bullies assume the person is getting short with them.
If you’re a silent person and a target of bullies, don’t let them shake you. Continue to play your cards close to the vest. Your lack of predictability is what protects you. You must understand that silence has a power all it’s own. Use it.
In many cases, I’ve found that bitterness is the main ingredient of bullying behavior. It is the reason why bullies desire to make someone else suffer. Because people mistreated them in the past, they want to see someone else get abused and will go out of their way to make that happen.
Understand that it makes the bitter bully feel better to see someone else suffer as they have. These people will look for slights and often find them when none are there.
These bullies are also vengeful, spiteful, and look for ways to retaliate against those they feel have mistreated or ignored them. They have pinned up rage toward their targets and will have feelings of loathing toward them.
They have anger, disappointment, sadness, and resentment all balled into a mish-mash of toxic goo!
These people are continually looking for a fight and thrive on drama. If they can find neither one, they’ll create it.
They’ll make an offhand remark to put another person on defense or do something to annoy someone to bait them into an altercation. Then when it’s over with, they feel better.
To these kinds of people, life has done them wrong- cheated them in some way. And they feel they have a right to spew their vitriol.
I want you to understand that bullies aren’t happy people. They can’t be!
And they can’t be happy for others’ successes or good fortune. Any success of another is only proof to them that they haven’t been given a fair hand. That’s the reason these kinds of bullies will often bully those who have positive things going in their lives.
They go after these victims to “tear them down,” “put them in their place” and keep them there.
The only way you can handle a bitter person is to boot them out of your life and avoid them like the plague. Whatever you do, don’t engage!
Bitter bullies must live with emotions they cannot handle, which is why they must have a target. They need an easy mark to unload all their negative feelings on so that they can feel better in knowing that they’re not the only one who feels bad.
Making others feel rotten is gratifying for these types of bullies. Misery loves company. How they feel better is to make you feel worse! But would they admit that? Never! Because it would make them look inferior and defeated.
Many bullies have themselves been emotionally injured by other bullies. However, it’s no excuse for the way they act. You can feel sorry for them, yes. But you don’t have to tolerate the way they treat you.
Disengage, then get away with your self-esteem intact!
You don’t deserve to have these bloodsuckers in your life! The sooner you get far away from these types, the better!
“The essence of deception is distraction.” – Robert Greene
The bully uses distraction, often called deflection, when they use the target’s imperfections to distract other people’s attention away from their own shortcomings. It is the reason that so many people in authority, bystanders, and witnesses unjustly label targets as bullies and troublemakers.
Because bullies are highly skilled at deflecting their misdeeds onto others, people will falsely accuse innocent victims of being the instigators of arguments or fights, and perpetrators of bullying behaviors.
Here’s how the bully does it:
He extends acts of kindness and shows honesty in front of everyone – everyone except his victim. He does this to charm and disarm authority and potential bystanders and witnesses. The bully fools them all into believing that he’s such a fine young man and would never mistreat another person. And he ultimately wins everyone else over to his side.
What this elaborate display of (false) kindness and authenticity does is soften everyone outside the bully/victim relationship and turn them into allies. People hungrily eat up any affection the bully extends to them. She (the bully) then sweetens the deal by inviting them out to do lunch or to hang out.
But understand that she only pours on the pleasantries and charm to everyone else to trick them into feeling obligated in the event she must ask them to do some dirty work for her against her victim.
If you’re a victim of this type of bullying, I want you to know that your bullies don’t do this because they just happen to like everyone else but you, they do it for the sole purpose of gaining favor and loyalty from them! Realize that the bullies only see everyone else as tools and worker bees.
Have you noticed how most bullies suck up to teachers and managers?
The bully will then slyly bait her victim by pushing their hot buttons and triggering them into an emotional reaction. And she will make sure that everyone is around to see the victim’s breakdown or outburst.
He will also accuse the victim of the same behaviors that he’s guilty of or of having the same flaws he has.
But understand that this is all part of the distraction. The bully aims to give others the illusion that you are the bully and he is the victim.
Remember that most bullies can be very alluring and they’re good at this game. You must know the tactics in detail, so you can call them out to protect yourself from being abused and blamed, then ultimately labeled.
“When people say bad things about you, it’s only because they’re insecure with themselves. So, next time someone says something mean, remember it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.”
It’s not what you say; it’s what you don’t say. When bullies wish to harm someone, the silent treatment can the most effective way of doing so. It is a cruel and sneaky way of control.
Remember that bullies are cowards, and they will find the most effective and least noticeable ways to dig at you
. Here are the reasons bullies use this tactic:
1. It’s least noticeable by others. It leaves no bruises, cuts or scratches, so there’s no physical evidence. This type of bullying is also hard to prove because it’s not easily seen. Therefore, it isn’t wise to report this type of bullying. Because people may see the target as overly sensitive, paranoid, or mentally unbalanced.
2. It’s the most effective. Understand that the silent treatment is emotional manipulation. So, you must see it as just that. When you’re able to see it for what it is, the least likely you are to be affected by it. Bullies know that it’s the most covert way to assert control over their targets and make them doubt themselves.
3. For control, dominance, and intimidation– Again, bullies use this dirty trick to control how you feel and to dominate you. People also use the silent treatment to intimidate.
4. To manipulate you into doing what they want you to do– Everyone has a desire for approval. However, if being accepted means they force you to do something you don’t want to do, then you’re more than likely spinning your wheels for nothing. Anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries and wishes will never accept you anyway because a person who truly approves of you would respect your rights and freedom to choose.
5. To make you feel guilty– Again. Because you didn’t do or give the bullies what they want, they intend to make you feel as if you did something wrong. You didn’t!
You must realize that if you let it get to you, it will only encourage the bullies to keep doing it anytime you don’t cave in and do their bidding or give them what they want.
So, how can you respond to this type of bullying?
1. See the silent treatment for what it is: emotional manipulation When you finally recognize it as it is, the least you’ll be bothered by it.
2. Mirror the bullies by returning the silent treatment. When you give it right back to them, you’re not allowing them to control and intimidate you. You’re preserving some sense of power over your life by not allowing the bullies to phase you.
3. Cut those childish buffoons out of your life. Do it either entirely or have as little to do with them as humanly possible. You don’t need to be around these confidence thieves. Realize that you don’t have to put up with that.
4. Stay calm. Don’t get emotional. Exhibit self-control and don’t get sucked into the bullies’ mind games.
5. Call them out. Tell them, “Look. What you’re doing is called the silent treatment, and that’s not okay. You can’t possibly keep up this childish behavior forever, and it’s not going to work.”
Do the above, and the bullies will either leave you alone, or they just might respect you a little better.
Either way, you’ll feel much better about yourself knowing you stood up to them and asserted your rights not to be manipulated.
Here’s how you expose the bullies for the brutes they are. Use their own tactics against them! How you do this is to find what triggers their emotions, then use it to your advantage.
And why not? They’ve been doing the same to you for a long time now, haven’t they? As much as I hate to say it, sometimes you must play the bully’s game if you expect to survive. And I know it’s not a pleasant place to be. It sucks! But sometimes, you must wade through crap to come out clean on the other side.
Here’s how you do it!
1. Get the bully in public – in front of coworkers and supervisors, or classmates and teachers. Then very sneakily do something you know will trigger them. Bait them into a reaction, then stand back and watch with pleasure as the bully yells, screams, curses, and exposes themselves in front of everyone.
If you live in a one-party consent jurisdiction, record the outburst, and if you’re sure it’s safe, blast it all over social media.
2. Befriend others the bully has bullied (preferably people who’ve been fired or no longer have any contact with the bully). Then have them spread it all over social media. Give the bully the reputation they so deserve.
Exposure is the best way to conquer bullies! So, out them! Better yet, trick them into outing themselves!
There are many positives to bullying and suicide awareness, one of which is the ever so slow change in attitudes en masse about bullying, bullies, and victims over the last twenty years. More and more people are coming to the realization that bullying is not “just a normal rite of passage” or “just a part of growing up” like previously thought a few decades ago.
People are finally seeing it for the huge health hazard and the threat to human life that it truly is and perhaps, always has been. Unlike thirty years ago when I was in school, there is a vast wealth of knowledge, resources, and programs readily available to anyone who finds themselves on the receiving end of such harassment.
We now have a treasure trove of articles, books, and videos on what victims can do to bully-proof themselves. Today, we know that victims of bullying are not weak, too sensitive or to blame for the treatment they receive like previously thought decades ago.
We have made great progress for victims of bullying and I cannot thank enough all those who contributed to this progress. However, I want to stress something that I’m positive very few have considered:
Bullies also have access to this widely available information!
Although the data available is meant to help and empower victims, bullies can use this data as counterintelligence and turn it against their targets. And they can do it by using the information to tailor any future attacks.
For instance, since bullying has been shown to cause suicide, there has been a drastic uptick in cases where bullies have told their victims to “kill themselves”. A few have even talked them into it.
Remember that the most talented and seasoned bullies are cowards at heart and always commit their evil undercover and with subtlety. Bullies are smart, stealth, meticulous, and worst of all- patient! They will not risk being caught.
Anytime a victim attempts to assert their right not to be mistreated and to better their lives, bullies only escalate the harassment to punish the target and keep him/her silent and, in essence, enslaved.
I want you to understand that any power the victim regains for him/herself is power the bullies must lose! And when bullies see a threat to the power they have over a target, they will only tighten their grip and escalate the torment.
Bullying is a slow death by psychological, emotional, and physical torture. It is systematic, subtle and sadly, escalation of it is sometimes so gradual that it often goes unnoticed by bystanders and authority until the victim dies by their own hand.
When a target of bullying commits suicide, the bullies have committed murder without laying a finger on the target. And because there’s no physical contact or weapon discharged by the bully or bullies at the time of the target’s death, the bully gets away with this murder.
Bullies murder their victims by gently and over time, persuading and influencing them to do it for them. Now, this is how they get away with murder! What better way is there to kill someone without ever touching them, without firing a single shot, and without fear of ever seeing the inside of a prison?
Bullies know this instinctively! I say this with full conviction and being fully aware that I might be giving a few evil and unsavory souls a few ideas! Of this, I am truly afraid!
The best I can do is to hope and pray to the goodness that no one with evil intentions comes across this blog post!
In closing, if you are a target of chronic and relentless bullying, I urge you to never give up on yourself. Never let a bully convince you that the world would be better off without you! It wouldn’t!
Never let a bully convince you that you would be better off dead because chances are that they only target you because you are doing something right! They bully you because you stand out! You somehow outshine the bullies and they only mistreat you out of jealousy!