“The day I realized that my bullies were only poor, pitiful losers who tried to hurt me to feel better about themselves, was the day their evil words and actions no longer had power over me.”
~ Cherie White ~
“The day I realized that my bullies were only poor, pitiful losers who tried to hurt me to feel better about themselves, was the day their evil words and actions no longer had power over me.”
~ Cherie White ~
They want you to think that you need them! You don’t. In fact, it’s just the opposite. They need you! Let me explain further:
Bullies need targets as guinea pigs to demonstrate their perceived power and might on.
They need victims to feel better about themselves.
Bullies need targets to blame their stupidity and bad behavior on.
Bullies need victims to scapegoat and to be a dumping ground for all their problems and shortcomings.
If you’re a target, Your bullies need you as a shield to cover their own cowardice.
They need you to entertain and get laughs from their audiences.
And they need you to look cool and in control in front of everyone else.
Understand that bullies need you more than you will ever need them!
The excuses bullies make for their rotten behavior are endless. Here are the most common excuses bullies make.
“Because he’s annoying.”
“She brings it on herself.”
“I was only joking.”
“Because he’s a nerd.”
“Because she’s a loser.”
“Because he’s so stupid.”
“Because you deserve it.”
“Because you have a crooked nose (or funny ears, etc.).”
“Because he’s a wimp (wuss, geek, etc.).”
“Because she’s crazy (mentally unstable, cuckoo, loony, etc.)”
“Because he dresses weird.”
“Because he stinks (smells funny, etc.).”
“Because he needs to toughen up.”
“Because he’s black.”
“Because she’s white.”
“Because you have a big mouth.”
“Because he’s too skinny.”
“Because he has four-eyes (wears eye-glasses).
“Because she’s a metal-mouth (wears braces).
“You’re too different.”
I could go on and on! The excuses bullies make are endless. However, know that these so-called reasons have nothing to do with you if you’re a target of bullying. Understand that bullying is about power and the need to feel better than. Your bullies are trying to meet their needs for validation or superiority in a hateful and hurtful manner.
When you’re being mistreated, it’s normal to want to figure out why. And the reason we want to know why is so we can fix whatever’s wrong and make the bullying stop. But just because we correct whatever’s wrong doesn’t mean the bullying will go away, and most of the time, it doesn’t.
It only gets worse when you try to change yourself because people lose respect for you when you’re not yourself.
You may try to change yourself; you may hide, wear fancier clothes, even buy a new flashier car. But the truth is there was never anything wrong with you in the first place. Understand that bullies are targeting you not because there’s anything wrong with you or because you’ve done anything wrong. They’re only using you to meet their needs, and those needs are to feel better about themselves, to feel powerful, superior, or better than you.
I even know adults- ADULTS, who should know better but are under the misguided impression that if people bully you, that you’re causing them to do so- that there’s something wrong with you, that there has to be something you’re not doing right, that you’re somehow annoying people and rubbing everyone the wrong way. No! This is a falsehood you should dismiss immediately!
Don’t accept it! Know in your heart that you did nothing wrong and that you’re great just the way you are! Here are things you can do to help your self-esteem and restore confidence.
Avoid these bullies like the plague.
Keep company with only those who uplift you and make you feel good about yourself.
Befriend other targets.
Do the things you enjoy and always show off your talents and gifts.
Do all of these and your self-esteem will thank you for it!
As we all know, bullies are very practiced and convincing liars and have a flare for using charm to deceive bystanders and authority. Understand that this “charm” bullies often display is fake it is all a part of the smoke screen they put up to cover up bad behavior and avoid accountability. In short, bullies are only actors and actresses.
With that being said, here’s a list excuses that bystanders and authority often make for the bully anytime a victim reports them for their appalling behavior.
“That’s just his personality.”
“Boys will be boys” or “Kids will be kids”
“She’s only expressing herself.”
“Maybe you need to toughen up.”
“He just has a very strong personality.”
“Maybe you’re doing something to bring it on yourself and you don’t realize it yet.”
“She’s going through a hard time right now.”
“You’re just too sensitive and need to grow a thicker skin.”
“But he’s really a good person, he’s just having issues right now.”
“She’s just having problems at home.”
“Maybe you’re being too dramatic.”
“He’s just being himself.”
“Maybe she was just joking with you and you took it the wrong way.”
“But he’s so well liked and well mannered. Why would he bully someone like you?”
“But she’s so sweet and everyone loves her. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
These are several examples of how others justify and condone the bully’s behavior. Don’t fall for it! Call them what they are- BULLIES! Never accept any excuse.
It’s true that retaliation may follow. However, stay strong and know that you don’t have to tolerate atrocious behavior from anyone! If no one will listen, be sure to document document document every bullying incident in detail!!!!!!!
We may not realize it, but we sell ourselves to the public every day. From making new friends to finding a date, we sell ourselves- putting our best foot forward to impress others and show them our best sides, and we do this unconsciously, without even thinking about it. We give the illusion that we’re a hot item because we instinctively know that it’s what everyone loves and is attracted to, and we’re afraid of not being accepted.
“Social proof (also known as informational social influence) is a psychological and social phenomenon where people assume the actions of others in an attempt to reflect correct behavior in a given situation.”
Put more plainly; we tend to do what we think everyone else is doing, to follow the pack, to join the bandwagon, to get in on the next big thing, whether it be the new, hot fashion trend, a breakout musical group, anything that’s extremely popular with others!
For example, a few decades ago, Cabbage Patch Kids were a hot item! Everybody had a cabbage patch kid- I had one myself. And anytime there’s a hot item that’s “all the rage,” everyone clamors to have it!
It’s the same in the social arena. Everyone wants to hang with the “cool” crowd. Although this crowd may or may not be what you’d consider cool and might be the opposite of, others perceive them to be and want to hang with them, so you want to hang with them. Therefore, you want to do what they’re doing. Unfortunately, it’s also the same with bullying.
With bullying in school or the workplace, if everyone else is bullying you, you can be sure that total strangers who have never met you and even your friends will (if they haven’t already) also try to bully you. Why? Because “everyone else is doing it” and they want to join the in-crowd!
But know that when this happens, it has nothing to do with you and in no way means that you somehow deserve it or did anything wrong. What it means is that most people are followers and drones- sheep! They’re slaves to the prospect of fitting in with the majority.
In essence, bullying you has become a ritual with them. The in-thing to do at your school or your place of employment.
The more you know about the psychology of bullies, the better you prepare and the better you’ll feel. Sometimes, just knowing the truth is enough to make you feel better.
“Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.” – Coretta Scott King, widow of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
“Don’t hate what you can’t imitate!” – Unknown
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt, former first lady and diplomat
“Haters are my motivators.” – Nicki Minaj, American rapper and singer-songwriter
“Hatred makes us all ugly.” – Laurell K. Hamilton, American writer
“Haters never win. I just think that’s true about life because negative energy always costs in the end.” – Tom Hiddleston, English actor
“There’s a certain logic to avoiding haters, but as a strategy, it’s utterly flawed. When you turn off the feedback, you lose the benefits as well as the drawbacks. It’s like having a sore finger and cutting off your arm.” – Rob Manuel, American digital artist
“The haters always scream the loudest.” – Tucker Max, American Author
“Something about winning attracts losers with opinions.” – Unknown
“Haters are cowards. When confronted, they often back down. We must resist haters.” – Janet Reno, former U.S. Attorney General
“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.” – Booker T. Washington, American author and civil rights leader
“Make your supporters proud and your haters jealous.” – Unknown
“It is only out of ignorance that people are cruel because they don’t think it will come back.” – Maya Angelou, American writer
“An open enemy is better than a false friend.” – Greek proverb
“Always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Others may hate you. But those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.” – Richard M. Nixon, 37th U.S. President
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss
Bullies with “Target Derangement Syndrome” hold extremely biased opinions about their targets- views that aren’t founded or developed from any evidence of facts. No, their judgments of the targets come from intense emotions alone. And no amount of data, substantial evidence, rational thought, or reason will ever change their minds about their target. These people are virtually unpersuadable.
I want you to realize that seeing the target as bad, evil, crazy, mentally imbalanced, weak, and inferior is too familiar to the bullies. It is the status quo. And it often takes someone who’s outside the toxic environment or bully/target dynamic to see the stuff those on the inside are blind to. Why do you think bullies also go out of their way to destroy the target’s reputation with strangers who haven’t yet met the target?
Understand that these bullies have overinflated egos. And the false stories and widely-held assumptions about the target provide the bullies these three benefits: a sense of power, dominance, and social acceptance. And any evidence that exonerates the target only threatens those three benefits.
The target may, in fact, be a great person who would be a great friend to them if they allowed. But bullies will block out that reality because it’s uncomfortable to them and would contradict them. They deliberately eschew any evidence that favors the target- and therefore, any truth to it because anything that proves contrary to their beliefs and opinions of their targeted victim would never fit their narratives.
Any evidence that disproves the bullies’ false narratives put the bullies at risk of being proven wrong and looking like the utter fools they are. Bullies won’t have that! Because it would be a massive blow to their fragile egos. Any facts in favor of the target, the bullies will either explain away, ignore, or destroy.Simply put. Not knowing the truth feels much better to them.
It’s why bullies purposefully keep themselves unaware of any proof that would be in favor of the target. Bullies go to great lengths to avoid being informed because they don’t want to be informed. If the target is such a great guy, the bullies don’t want to know about it! It’s much more convenient (and less painful) to hold onto their opinions- even if those opinions are false.
And if they hear much to the contrary, the bullies will then go hunt for evidence and information that supports their opinions.
They aren’t willing to engage in any thoughtful or intelligent discussion on it. If you try and hold such a discussion, you’re only wasting your time and energy, because if the opinions they hold come strictly from their negative emotions, you won’t change their minds. And it’s not your job to do so!
Deep down inside, your bullies know your potential and your worth. They already know how intelligent and creative you are. They’ve seen that you’re a team player, and you get along with a few others. They’ve seen how loving and caring you are. They know that you’re a great person; only they refuse to acknowledge it. So, is there a need to defend your honor in their presence? Everything about you speaks for itself.
If you’re a target of bullying, it’s tempting to defend yourself because it’s so hard to believe that anyone could be this deaf, dumb, and blind. So, you ask yourself, “Can anyone be this stupid?”
I hate to tell you. But, yes, they can. And they are!
The best thing you can do is to give these bullies the old heave-ho! Don’t even engage with them. They aren’t worth it! They’re only a waste of space.
Understand that getting rid of these people will save you so much time, energy, and mental stress. It will allow you to be so much happier and more confident in yourself than you ever thought possible!
Bullies keep so many secrets. They have to, to maintain the facade they hide behind. Bullies must continue to wear a veil of perfection, toughness, and coolness, and they take extreme pains to keep that veil from falling off.
But if you watch and listen, your bullies secrets will eventually seep through by either dumb mistakes they make, or through the gossip of others.
1. One or both of their parents were drug dealers. A few classmates came from homes that people bought drugs out of. Because of this, these bullies were either ashamed of what they were living in or felt ignored.
2. They were on welfare. Many of my bullies came from families that had a tradition of living on welfare and in many cases, it went back a few generations. These bullies were deliberately having babies because they wanted to draw a welfare check. Others were ashamed of it and took extreme measures to hide it from the rest of the student body.
3. Their parents fought all the time. Other classmates dealt with such drama at home. Therefore, they would start altercations at school too. You are what you live.
4. They were being abused/neglected by parents. Several classmates were getting their butts kicked at home. So, they’d come to school to bully and physically attack me and a few others to overcompensate and feel some sense of power. If they had no control over their own lives, they would come to school and assert control over someone else’s.
5. Their mothers had a different man over every night. So many of the female bullies would come to school and call other girls whores, sluts, and skanks. But these were names they really wanted to call their own mothers because the men in their mothers’ lives usually came before the needs of their daughters.
6. They had a parent who was an alcoholic/drug addict. Many of my classmates were angry and bitter because they had parents who stayed drunk and loaded. The drugs and booze would usually come before the child and would force the family into poverty. Some of the parents were “mean drunks” and lashed out at their children.
7. They had a parent who was supposedly a criminal. One of my female bullies had a parent who was rumored to be a murderer. Although the suspected parent was a big wheel in the town and was never convicted, there was plenty of talk about it around town and everyone knew about it.
8. They were dirt poor. Many of my bullies lived in trailer parks, shacks, and the projects. Some didn’t have indoor plumbing and used outhouses for a bathroom- even in the winter. Because they were ashamed, they’d come to school and shame others to feel better about themselves.
9. A parent had abandoned them. Again, may of my bullies were full of anger and bitterness. When they got to school, they’d take it out on their vulnerable targets. It gave them a sense of power. Many of these bullies were also jealous of targets who had more than they did and would bully them as punishment for being from families who were financially better off.
10. They were victims of sexual abuse by a family member or their mother’s boyfriends. These girls felt utterly powerless. So, to not feel so helpless, they’d jockey for power at school by asserting dominance over their targets.
11. They’d had multiple abortions. Many of my female classmates, especially those who were popular, slept around and many become pregnant- two or three times during school. Their parents were public figures with images to protect. Therefore, these parents would finance their daughter’s abortions to hide the shame they feared would befall their perfect little families. One girl had an abortion in the sixth grade.
12. They’d go slumming. Many of the bullies in the preppy crowd would go to the projects and slept with some of the women who lived there. When the parents of two of them found out about it, they sent them to a group home for the rest of the school year (ninth or tenth grade).
13. One of the teachers who bullied me was sleeping around – even having sordid affairs with some of the boys on the varsity football team. And it was common knowledge around town.
But because this teacher had connections in town and her father was a businessman, she kept her job and everything was hush-hush around certain people who were allies of hers.
However, when people were at a safe distance and out of earshot of anyone who might have gone back and informed her of who the talkers were, they would trumpet the juicy info loud and proud.
This is in no way intended to pass judgement on anyone. We all have our hangups. The point is, bullies have dirty little secrets that they don’t want to get out. Always! Why do you think they target others with their vitriol? It’s all designed to keep the negative spotlight off them and place it onto the target.
It’s a way to keep their own skeletons from seeing the light of day. Because if everyone is too busy looking at and judging the victim, they won’t pay any attention to the bullies’ sins, snafus, and faux pas.
1. Being a bully is WORK! They work hard to keep up appearances and to maintain their fake facades. Bullies, especially popular ones, have an image to keep up, and they monitor themselves nonstop, twenty-four-seven. They must keep up with and remember all the lies they tell to keep their stories straight. And they often spend beyond their means to look like they have lots of money. Is it any wonder that many bullies get charged with crimes like embezzlement, fraud, and theft. They have to steal to keep up!
2. Bullies are not happy people. They can’t be. Why do you think they bully others? They do it to feel better about themselves, to distract from their shortcomings and insecurities, and project them onto someone else. Bullies also bully to make themselves look superior, better, smarter, and more powerful. They may bully for attention because they aren’t getting it at home. It takes a miserable person to be a bully.
3. They’re weak. Bullies bully because they’re feeble-minded people. They’re loud, obnoxious, and pushy because they don’t have the brains to get what they want any other way.
4. Bullies are insecure. When a bully sees someone who outshines them somehow, they fear that the person will take the attention and admiration away from them. Bullies share attention and recognition with no one. They must be adored at all times by everyone. They feel they have to be at the center of everything and that the world should revolve around them.
5. Bullies are jealous of their victims. Bullies can’t handle anyone else’s success. If you have more wins then them, are better looking then them or are more talented than them, they’ll make it their mission to make you suffer for it.
6. Bullies are trying to be cool. Again, they strain themselves to keep up appearances. And bullies know that most people are under the mistaken impression that cruelty is “cool” as long as they aren’t on the receiving end of it. Many bullies bully to look cute to any witnesses.
7. They seek attention. If a bully doesn’t get attention, they feel inadequate. So they bully in front of an audience to get the attention they feel they never get.
8. They’re cowards. They’re afraid of looking weak and being bullied themselves.
9. They’re fakes, frauds, and imposters. They must don masks to hide their true selves. Understand that they do this out of the fear of their true personalities being exposed.
10. They’re compensating. Bullies bully to compensate for weakness. If they can look strong by making someone else look weak they make up for the weaknesses they feel they have. Bullies will also run with rich people or the popular crowd because it helps them to forget about the fact that they’re nothing and, in a way, makes up for anything they feel they don’t have.
Male bullies who feel they aren’t man enough will often drive around in hot cars and flaunt money to make up for the fact that girls find them disgusting. Female bullies will often use fashion, makeup, and the latest hairstyles to compensate for the fact that few people like them. Or they may have a bunch of friends and use that to make up for the fact that they can’t get a date.
So, your bullies have suddenly had a change of heart. They’re finally treating you right. They’re finally talking to you like you’re equal to them. The bullies are smiling in your face, giving you pats on the back, and talking to you like you’re one of them and you belong.
But you’re smarter than what they give you credit for. You notice that the bullies are so sweet – too sweet. You think that if they don’t stop with the pleasantries soon, you’ll surely fall into a sugar coma!
You also notice a slight fakeness in the tones of their voices and that instead of making you feel good about yourself, they instead make you feel a little gross. But you don’t mention it to them. Just stay polite yet neutral.
The bullies are even inviting you to sleepovers, parties, cookouts, lunch and dinner dates, meetings, and family get-togethers. Every time these people talk to you, they seem to gush over you, and there again is that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.
You grow suspicious of them, and rightfully so. And in your mind, you ask yourself, “Why are they acting so nice to me all of a sudden?”
You politely decline the invitations they extend to you. But trust me, they won’t give up so easily. There will be a few more tricks up their sleeves. You can bet on it.
Here’s another bad sign to look for:
1. They’re nosey. The bullies will seem so interested in your life and in what you’re doing. But don’t be flattered. Chances are, they’re only probing you for information they can use against you later.
They will ask you a ton of questions about your family and what you do outside of school or work. Those questions are innocent enough. However, they will slowly and gradually move into more personal territory.
Bullies will begin asking you what your political views and beliefs are and about your religious views. You don’t have to answer those. It’s none of anyone’s business!
Before long, they will begin prying into your personal and private business. These snoops will ask your opinion of this person and that, who you’re dating, how you feel about this, that and the other. They will ask questions that anyone with a brain would know better than to ask. Some things are just off limits!
Bullies will even share with you some personal deets about themselves. But don’t be fooled! They’re only doing it to put you at ease and in hopes that you’ll share a few of yours. Again. Don’t fall for it!
Understand that any time someone asks questions that are none of their business, it’s a dead giveaway that they intend to use your answers against you. Don’t answer them!
Also, anytime people ask you very personal questions, it also means that they don’t respect your right to privacy. And be warned that when you refuse to let them in on your private business, they may come back and accuse you of “having something to hide.”
Don’t believe it! Because it’s not about having anything to hide, it’s about knowing that some things aren’t anyone’s business, and they should respect that.
Never share anything that you wouldn’t want anyone else to know!!!