4 Proven Ways to Shed Victim-Think: Why I’m No Longer a Victim

It’s because I don’t feel like I’m less than. Yes, my classmates called me the most horrible names in the English language. Yes, they physically beat, ridiculed, and smeared me. And yes, they destroyed my reputation. However, I’m still not a victim because their effects on me didn’t last.

I’m a survivor. In fact, I’m more than that- I’m a winner! Because they no longer have the power to make me feel that I’m less than human. No one has that power now. I’m not a victim because I don’t allow other people’s perceptions of me to determine how I feel about myself nor define me as a person. I know who I am, and I feel good about it.

My classmates may have taken my confidence away and at times, my physical well-being. But they could never take away my soul! They couldn’t take my integrity, my individuality, and my freedom of thought.

They couldn’t take any of the things that mattered!

Another reason I don’t feel like a victim is because I don’t feel any hate nor any desire to take revenge. My energy is better spent on my family, doing what I love to do, and working on my projects. I’m too busy doing me and mine. Understand that any time you hold hate and seek revenge over something that was done to you in the past, it comes from a victim mentality and from a place of feeling that you’re owed some form of satisfaction, restitution, or atonement. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.

I want you to realize that a victim mentality is never good because it keeps you trapped in an abyss of hatred and misery. Anytime you have this mentality, you’re angry and depressed all the time. You feel like the world owes you. But what you don’t realize is that even if the world did give you what you feel you’re owed, you’d still never be happy and you’d only want more, more, and more.

It’s no way to live. I was there years ago and it’s a dark and ugly place.

Law of Attraction

I’m so glad that when I finally got tired of being unhappy and unfulfilled, my eyes were opened, and I changed my way of thinking.

So, how did I shed the victim-think?

1.By refusing to allow bullies from the past to take up space in my mind and by not wasting another drop of precious energy on people who were never worth it in the first place.

2. By accepting myself, flaws, quirks, and all. I finally decided that I was okay just the way God made me and that I needed no one else’s approval, least of all, the approval of backstabbers, fakes, and drama kings and queens who only pretended to be friends but weren’t out for my best interests.

3. I made it my mission to love and to take care of myself and the people who truly mattered. And that included weeding out toxic people who were only there to use me and to see me fail- those who didn’t belong in my life.

4. Lastly, I did it by focusing on the things that were important– I focused on God, family, my closest friends, and being the best version of me that I could possibly be instead of trying to please everyone and seek approval.

It’s okay to be angry and to take time out to feel those emotions when someone does you wrong. It’s natural to need time to heal. Just don’t set up shop and live in that yucky place for long. Because, if you stay there, it will ruin your life.

I can’t stress how important it is for you to rid yourself of victim-think. It’s the only way you’ll ever reach that beautiful place of self-acceptance and ultimately, peace and happiness. And once you do, it will be such sweet freedom!

You can do this! I’ve got faith in you!

The 1 Reason Why Former Bullies Always Deny the Abuse They Inflicted

It’s because they feel dirty. That’s right! Any time bullies and abusers must face the reality of any past abuse they may have inflicted on someone else, deep down inside, though they would never admit it to themselves much less you or anyone else, they feel like a piece of scum. And in order to not feel dirty, they must live in denial of what they did. It’s the only way they can bury their sins and still feel good about themselves.

My former classmates who bullied me, are no different. Denial is a useful psychological defense, and it does have benefits.

Many bullies deny their abuse because of their hatred for the victim, and they wish to reduce sympathy and support for the victim. They will claim that the violence a victim speaks of is either invented or exaggerated to either get attention or to make others feel sorry for him/her.

Sometimes, even bystanders and witnesses will side with the bullies and deny the abuse to keep from being bullied themselves or because they too have a secret hatred for the victim. Bystanders and witnesses may also want the bullying of the victim to continue for entertainment purposes. Believe it or not, many witnesses to the abuse enjoy seeing the victim get bullied because, to them, it is a source of entertainment and makes them feel superior to somebody.

Also, bystanders may feel dirty as well because they know they didn’t speak out for the victim when they should have, or the bullying may be something they would like to have done to the victim themselves but didn’t have the guts.

Understand that the psyches and egos of humans are very fragile, even those of bullies. So, any time your abuser denies any abuse they know they dished out to you in the past, you don’t have to feel angry or insulted. You don’t have to try and force them to fess up. Because just knowing why they deny it and the nastiness they feel inside when they see you should be enough satisfaction.

So, if you’re a survivor of bullying and anytime you’re out shopping, and see one of the people who bullied you in the past; and you immediately notice how they turn and walk away or avoid looking at you. Know why they do that and feel good about it.

I can tell you that most of my classmates can’t face me today. They cannot bear to look at me because they know what they did, and they feel so dirty. I am a reminder of what they never want to see in themselves, and I always provoke feelings of shame in them. Therefore, I can’t get angry at them, nor feel insulted. There’s no need for revenge, nor to hate them because, in the end, they are the ones who must live with what they did.

Always remember that!

6 Characteristics of The Crybully

 

Earlier, I published a post entitled, “What is a Crybully and Who is One?”  This post is more in-depth, and describes the characteristics of this type of bully. Here they are:

1. The crybully doesn’t mind provoking the target over and over, but when the victim finally gets fed up and shows their ugly side, the crybully is not only surprised but offended. Understand that the crybully feels entitled to do whatever she wants to do and that no one has the right to stop her- or even say anything against it. The crybully thinks that she is beyond reproach and that she isn’t to be questioned by anyone.

Crybullies feel that the world owes them and that they have the right to mistreat their targets. Even more astonishing is that crybullies think that their victims are just supposed to bow down to them and take the abuse- to let them harm them and take it with a smile and a yes sir/ma’am. Why? Because:

“I’m always right, and you’re always wrong.”

“I’m better than you.”

“I’m superior, and you’re inferior. And how dare you stand up to me. You have no rights as far as I’m concerned.” 

Note the quotations above and understand that, though they may never come out and say it, this is how crybullies think.

2. A crybully will gripe, whine, and complain when something they don’t like happens. Like when you call the crybully out on his BS, report or speak out about his bullying, or do anything to cause him to be held accountable for his despicable behavior? The crybully will bitch, moan, and regress into a toddler if they have to face responsibility for anything. They’ll  throw a temper tantrum, railing against the injustice and unfairness of it all. He may also do something to get back at you for daring to stand up for yourself.

Understand that crybullies must always get their way and think they can do no wrong. Many times, they will get furious with and throw a fit with the target. If the crybully is female, she may dissolve into a puddle of tears and tell not only authority but anyone who’ll listen that the target is the bully.

3. Crybullies will shout you down if you don’t agree with them or you call them out on their bad behavior. They think their words, actions, and beliefs are golden. If you happen to speak against their deplorable behavior or hold a different view, crybullies will instantly turn into petulant children, call you all kinds of ugly names and launch personal attacks against you.

4. A crybully wants everything handed to them and doesn’t like to put in the effort to earn it. Crybullies are entitled to have whatever they want when and how they want it. They don’t like to work for anything, and neither do they like to wait for it.

They’re like spoiled children. If they don’t get what they want, they will never stop bothering you until you cave in and give it to them. Crybullies do this to wear you down. However, you must only double down and resist, no matter what. So, stand firm- if for nothing more than to teach them a lesson.

5. Crybullies hate the thought of anyone else having a life better than they do. When a crybully sees someone else doing better than them at anything, it makes them feel indignant, and that life hasn’t given them a fair shake. They will often sulk and play on others’ sympathy. The crybully will also try to get back at the person for being just a little luckier than him/her.

6. They Have a victim mentality. This point takes me back to how the crybully tries to make the victim look like the bully. In some cases, the crybully deludes herself into believing that she is, in fact, the victim.

And sadly, the crybully is very successful in making others believe her drivel.

Think Nellie Olson in “Little House on the Prairie.”

There you have it, folks. If you see any of the above characteristics, you might have a crybully on your hands. The best way to battle this type of bullying is to name it and shame it. Putting a name on these things makes them so much easier to deal with and overcome.

The more you know.

Target Derangement Syndrome: 8 Signs Your Bullies and Peers Have it

…or “Victim Derangement Syndrome. Whatever you want to call it, it’s extremely toxic and it’s when things begin to become dangerous for a target of bullying.

TDS happens when the lies and bad talk about the target reaches such as pitch that it seems to be the unwritten rule to believe the BS or to, at the very least, act like you do. And too often, the bystander’s safety depends on it!

Bullies, followers, and bystanders have TDS when they have such an intense, demented, and blind hatred for the target that they’ll believe, without question (and without even blinking!), anything about him, so as long as it’s negative. And the more negative and condemning the rumors, the better and more convenient, and the better it suits the running narrative!

They’ll also believe it, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. Anytime you hear something about a target that sounds absolutely and utterly absurd to any rational and sane person outside the bullying environment, that’s when you know that Target Derangement Syndrome is at play!

Understand that when you’re a target of bullying and everyone in the environment you feel struck in (and you are stuck in) has TDS, that’s when you know the bullying has taken on a life of its own. In essence, you are burned in effigy!

Here are the signs and symptoms of Target Derangement Syndrome:

1. Others seem to jump at the chance to diminish anything positive about the target. For instance, if you are a target of bullying and you do a good deed that is either visible or gets positive recognition, others in the class, school, workplace, community, or any toxic environment will only disregard it and make statements such as:

a. “He only did that to make himself look good!”

b. “She’s only trying to score brownie points, kiss ass, (etc.).”

c. “Haha! He’s just doing that because he thinks it’s going to get him on everyone’s good side!”

When the target reaches a success, others will only rain on it, saying things like:

a. “Oh, God! Anyone could’ve accomplished that!”

b. “He’s trying to show out! He thinks he’s so special!”

2. People in the environment are wide open with their brutality against the target. Bullies, their followers, and any other bystander who wants to join in the mistreatment won’t even try to hide it anymore. Why?

Because these people know they’re protected from any accountability. They know that their brutality toward you is widely accepted now- even encouraged, or worse, celebrated!

They’ve picked up on the reality that no one will even dare help you (if they know what’s good for them) and won’t utter one word against the open abuse you endure every day. Remember that when others openly abuse you, it’s gotten to a very dangerous level! And you might want to ask yourself this:

“If they can get away with this, what are they likely to do to me next?”

“How much worse will they hurt me later?”

3. People in the toxic environment are blinded by their own hatred of you. They don’t know why they hate you so intensely. They just do.

If anyone on the outside were to ask them what you did or said to them to make them hate you so much, they either wouldn’t be able to answer them at all, or they would throw just any ridiculous answer out there, without having the goods to back it up.

And they’ll hope to the heavens the person asking is lazy and won’t press the issue further, or worse- (gasp!) challenge them to provide evidence that you’re such a despicable and deplorable person.

They’ll give ad hominem responses such as:

a. “Because she’s just a bitch and I hate her”

b. “Because I just hate the bitch!”

c. “Because he just rubs me the wrong way!”

d. “Because he’s a jerk and a know-it-all!”

And because they can’t come up with anything that makes sense, or, God forbid, produce any evidence to back up their (false) claims against you be prepared for them to fabricate lies out of thin air, or viciously attack the person asking the (very legitimate) questions and in that, pose the threat of making them look like the moronic and brutal monsters they really are!

4. These people will be intensely angered each time anything positive comes your way. For example, if you win an award, they may not say it to you, but you’ll see it in their faces and body language. They also may talk through their teeth to one another as their eyes blaze at you.

5. They’ll try to destroy your good mood because they’ll hate the possibility that you might be happy and feel good. If you are a target and they see you so much as laugh or crack a smile, here are a few responses you’re likely to hear from them:

a. “What the hell are you laughing about!”

b. “What the @&%# are you smiling about!”

c. “What have you got to be so happy about, bitch!”

d. Shut up, asshole! You laugh like a hyena!”

e. “I don’t see anything funny!”

f. “I wish she’d wipe that stupid smile off her face!”

6. They’ll shout you down and tell you to shut up, every time you even look like you’re about to open your mouth. Understand that these people don’t think you deserve to be heard, nor to even have the freedom to speak.

7. They’ll all rise against you when you defend yourself. When you have “the audacity” to stand up to them and assert your right not to be abused, they will all gang up on you and gaslight you into believing you asked for the abuse.

If that doesn’t work, expect them to smear you to others. And if that doesn’t silence you, the next step is a brutal physical attack. Always! If they can’t bring you down emotionally, they will do it physically and no one will jump in to help you. I’ve seen this happen and have had it happen to me.

8. They will watch you like a hawk. Understand that they and everyone else in the bullying environment will be watching you very closely- waiting for you to screw up even the tiniest bit! They will then beat you down with your mistake and never let you hear the end of it.

Realize that these people are only looking for the slightest infraction to maximize and use against you. They will twist, spin, or add to the most trivial thing you do that’s not quite right to make it bigger and more severe. Something as minuscule as knocking over a glass of milk will be made into a Federal case and they’ll swear you did it deliberately.

If they see you talking to a member of the opposite sex, they’ll swear up and down you’re trying to get laid. But if you happen to be saving yourself for your wedding night, they’ll only call you a prude.

If you take one sip of wine, they’ll call you a sloppy, fall-down drunk. But if you don’t drink, they’ll call you a party pooper, boring, or a stick in the mud. They’ll make statements like, “Well, he just doesn’t know how to have a good time!”

You will be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

You must realize that when the bullying and mass degradation of you gets this bad and seems to permeate the whole of the environment, the hatred and contempt for you reaches such a crescendo that it’s has turned into mass mental illness in those around you. At this point, it more than likely won’t get better. It will only get worse until either one of them murders you or forces you to do it yourself.

At this juncture, the best thing you can do for yourself is to run! These people are dangerous and you must get as far away from them and stay away!

However, you decide to do it, get these people out of your life, and keep them out because these are people, you will never be safe around!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

8 Common Responses Targets Get from Authority and Bystanders When They Speak Out

If you’re a target of bullying, people will naturally expect you not to open your mouth about the harassment. Not only your bullies themselves but often bystanders and authority will automatically side with the bullies.

But, it still doesn’t mean that you stay silent because standing up for yourself shows bravery and strength and you’re well within your rights to do so.

However, I want you to be prepared for the following hurtful responses you’re likely to get when you finally do begin speaking against the mistreatment.

Here they are:

1. “You’re being too sensitive.” Understand that when people respond this way, they’re only shifting the blame to you and trying to shame you into keeping quiet about it. People who tell you this might be friends or followers of the bullies or have a personal interest in keeping you quiet, such as the reputation of the school or company, the bullies may be kin to them somehow, or the bullies may be perceived as “good for the school’s or company’s reputation.” But don’t be ashamed to speak out. You must keep the pressure on even if the bullying gets worse. Understand that things usually get worse before they get better. But they will get better.

2. “Just Ignore Them.” This never works, as bullies only become angry at being ignored and escalate the bullying. Or, they may mistake ignoring for fear. And if a bully gets in your face, how do you ignore that? It’s impossible. You might think that the best way to handle it is to put your hand up and walk around the bully and it IS a good response. But how do you know the bully won’t come after you and attack you from behind once you’ve walked past them?

Understand that when people tell you to ignore the bully, what this means is that they either don’t want to hear about it, don’t want to deal with it, or don’t have any answers themselves.

3. “Toughen up.” Again. The people who could help you don’t want to get involved. So they put it all on you. By telling you to toughen up, they’re shifting the blame onto you and trying to shame you into staying silent. Also, when you tell a target to toughen up, you’re only asking for things between the target and bully to escalate because the target will take it as a green light to tell the bully to shove it up his you-know-where or haul off and knock the idiot’s block off. Not that it’s a bad thing because, in my opinion, bullies deserve a good whack in the nose.

But those in authority have no right to tell the target to toughen up, then turn around and punish him when he finally does.

Respond to this by saying, “No. It’s not about toughing up. It’s about asserting my right to be treated with decency and I don’t have to take that mess.” And when you say it, say it with conviction.

4. “Get over it.”

5. “Don’t be a crybaby.”

6. “Stop whining.”

7. “Don’t be a tattletale.”

8. Maybe you should just stay out of their way.

All of the above nuggets of advice are only meant to shame and silence you. Bullying is no different from any other form of abuse. It thrives on secrecy. If you don’t speak out about it, the bullying and abuse will only continue, even escalate.

Defending their rights concept. Silhouette of hands pointing, denouncing the hand that defends their rights

I realize that getting these kinds of responses makes you feel even worse and there’s a temptation to clam up and burrow back into your hole. But don’t! You must refuse to keep quiet about it!

Keep speaking out about it. When people give you any of the above responses, that’s when you should only double down, dig your heels in and speak louder! Because only when a problem is addressed does it have the potential to be solved.

It may get worse before it gets better, but there’s always a chance that it will get better when you verbally protest the bullying. And no matter the outcome, you’ll feel so much better about yourself knowing you took a stand.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Deep Dive: What Relentless Bullying and Gaslighting Does to a Target (Part 2)

(…Continued from Part 1)

Remember that you have a voice, and you have a right to use it. Standing in your truth means that you must stop being afraid to lose people who don’t have your best interests in mind. It means letting go of people who block your growth, progress, and success.

Gaslighters are dead weight- they’re baggage that you don’t own and therefore, don’t have to drag around. Let them think and say of you what they will, it’s their prerogative. But know that you don’t have to accept their opinions and petty mischaracterizations of you as your truth. Remember that they have their truth and you have yours.

You are a separate person from them and so should your truth be separate from theirs.  Understand that putting your own wants and needs first, valuing your own opinions, perceptions, and reality, and being true to your own heart are far more important than what others think of you.

Break the Silence words in 3d letters crashing trhough red glass to illustrate protesting in injustice or censorship and raising your voice in defiance

Because, no matter what you say or do, people are going to think what they want, and you only end up losing your power and sense of self when you feel you must constantly explain and justify yourself to them or apologize for how you feel and who you are.

You have a God-given right to carve your own space in this world and to celebrate everything that you are. You have a right to be authentically unfiltered and unapologetically you, and no one else has the right nor patent to undermine that.

Be unwilling to please nor appease those who aren’t worth your time. Never allow the fear of ostracization to silence your voice or take away your freedom and autonomy.

Realize that even when you bring positivity and much good to the world, you will still have enemies who hate you and everything you stand for. There will always be some who will have a problem with you, but know that it’s their problem, not yours. Know that their issues have nothing to do with you.

Sometimes, it takes being bullied to know what you will not accept.

Sometimes it takes being abused to make you more determined to stand in your truth and do it unmoved.

And sometimes it takes being mistreated to give you the strength and determination to never again allow anyone to dull your shine.

So, keep shining. Keep standing in your truth. Hold onto the truthful knowledge of who you are and the good you bring. Keep your authenticity and know that you’re awesome no matter what.

Deep Dive: What Relentless Bullying and Gaslighting Does to a Target

When the target is bullied, he is objectified. It is as if exists for other people’s purposes and not his own. Slowly, over time, it does damage to the target’s psyche and if he’s not careful, he may never grow into a full human being.

He can begin to see himself as the projected object the bullies deem him to be. Bullies notoriously distort the target’s reality because they themselves deny reality. They deny facts, uncontested truths, and the concreteness of evidence. They try to make reality into an imaginary illusion when, in fact, reality is the opposite.

So, what happens when a bullies try to undermine your perception of reality? They try to brainwash you and force you to see things from their point of view. I’ve met many kinds of people in my life, and I’ve met enough gaslighters to know their tactics and recognize them like the back of my hand.

Gaslighters used to leave me dazed and confused when I was young but now, they only solidify my perception of reality. And I know firsthand that, if you’re not careful, they will trick you into questioning your own reality and make you think there’s something wrong with you when there isn’t.

Understand that gaslighting is about wresting power and control over your mind, and gaslighters do this by undermining your reality. They minimize your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. They deflect and shift blame to you and they’re notorious for feigning concern over your (mental) wellbeing and weaponizing compassion and goodwill.

Also, gaslighters are experts at twisting the truth and reframing conversations, and they slyly use your reactions to what they’ve done to you in attempts to make you look crazy. You should never tolerate this kind of behavior.

Bullies have shown me my strength and resilience.

When I was young, I would accept opinions of my character and it only made me feel worse. They’d make remarks like, “If the shoe fits, wear it!” But the shoe never fit, therefore, they’d do everything in their power to try and shoehorn it.

They’d claim that they were giving me constructive criticism but, even then I knew the difference between constructive criticism and gaslighting.

Understand that, as long as you don’t get abusive, your perceptions, judgements, and opinions are yours to express no matter who doesn’t agree or who gets offended. And be forewarned that if you’re not paying attention, gaslighters will challenge your reality- they’ll undermine your feelings, opinions, and perceptions to the point that you will lose yours and replace them with theirs.

Once you decide that you will no longer fall for other people’s distortions of your inner reality and dismissal of your thoughts and feelings, be prepared! You will make a lot of people furious. You will offend them, and you will lose many people you thought were your friends. But understand that the people you lose were never really your friends to begin with.

You may even feel isolated for a little while as people you thought you could trust to support you either ghost you or flat out turn against you and side with your gaslighters. Again, see it as a gift because they were never with you in the first place and are only revealing themselves to you.

And why wouldn’t these types of people turn on you when they’re no longer benefiting from you being gullible? You wised up and cut them off! You gotcha some self-respect and put an end to the gravy train they were riding at your expense!

(Continue in Part 2)

Metaphors Targets Use to Describe Their Bullies

I can tell you the metaphors I often used to describe my bullies at school. I often called them:

“Teenage Hitlers”

“Devils”

“Demon possessed”

I remember how they’d get in my face, nose to nose, and scream obscenities and curses while bushwhacking me with their funky breath and spraying me with misty micro-balls of their saliva. How their eyes would bulge so far out of their heads, you’d think they were going to pop out.

How they’d jump out of their seats at me, slinging textbooks and papers everywhere and sometimes flinging their chairs backwards!

I remember one bully picking up a metal waste can and hurling it at me with all their strength. The waste can flew past me, barely missing my head by less than an inch. How their faces would contort and how they’d fly into screaming tirades with long diatribes of obscenities, threats of bodily harm, and personal attacks. It was both bizarre and terrifying!

That’s what overt bullying looks like, especially to targets.

Overt bullying looks like angry and snarling faces that bare their teeth and spit on you as they scream, yell and threaten you while balling a fist in your face.

And they called me crazy? I see it so clearly now. They were the crazy ones.

Then, there was covert bullying.

I remember how the covert bullies would come to me with smiles on their faces. How they would act so sincere as they asked such personal questions about my private life. If I was dating, they’d ask such personal questions:

“Have you given it up to him yet?”

“Have you gotten horizontal yet?”

“Are you still a virgin?”

I didn’t answer those questions, of course. However, the questions alone made me feel violated. For them to think they could ask me such questions so openly made me feel disrespected.

The covert bullying looked like smiling faces with a gleam in their eyes as they hurled zingers and backhanded compliments. Covert bullying was the shaking of your hand with one hand and hiding the knife behind their back with the other. It was the tiny nibbles and little violations of my boundaries that would arouse my anger and provoke me to tell them to piss off, or to mind their own damned business.

I was very ugly to people when they’d pull this crap, and I reacted very harshly. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what the covert bullies were looking for- a reaction.

The overt bullies, however, were looking for submission and compliance, and if they didn’t get it, God help the person they wanted it from. And the covert bullies always became more and more overt as time went on. Until they too eventually became just as crazy.

Many of them were so unpredictable. They were like Jekyll and Hide, or like ticking time-bombs. The bullying I suffered was shocking and surreal.

It was as if they were all using black magic- like they had dark powers and they would unleash a legion of demons from the pits of hell. They could magically morph into whatever character they wished, it depended on the audience present at the time.

Understand that those metaphors are just a few examples of how all targets describe their tormentors and if they use those metaphors, listen to them because they’re not lying, nor are they “making it up.” You can’t make this stuff up.

And if you’re a target of this kind of evil, you should always stand up to the mini-micro violations because, if you don’t, the violations will only grow bigger until they become out of control. Never accept even the tiniest of offenses from a bully because if you give an inch, they will take ten miles.

If it’s overt, find a way to remove yourself from the situation for your personal safety.

Remember that you teach people how to treat you and you do it by what you’ll put up with. Always put yourself first and stand up for your rights. You’ll thank yourself for it later. I’m living proof of it.

Thank goodness I don’t get that behavior from anyone anymore because I know how to keep my cool and tell someone in a politer way to get lost any time they stick as much as a toe over my boundary line. And know that you won’t be a target forever either if you continue to stand firm and refuse to accept bad treatment.

Again, if you’re listening to someone who describes the bullying they’ve suffered and refers to their bullies as either of the above metaphors or even as dictators or tyrants, listen to them and more importantly,  believe them! They’re telling the truth and they know what they’re talking about!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why You Should Never Believe nor Internalize the Labels Bullies Give You

We’ve all heard of self-fulfilling prophecies or the Pygmalion Effect. It’s a phenomenon in which our thoughts become things. People also call it the power of expectation.

” What we believe we also become.”

When people (adults at work AND kids at school) are told they are smart and will do well, they usually end up doing just that. Whereas, if a person is told he is stupid and will never amount to anything, he will also live up to what he hears.

Bullying and life – pictured as a word Bullying and a wrecking ball to symbolize that Bullying can have a bad effect and can destroy life, 3d illustration

High expectations= high performance= high outcomes.

Low expectations= low performance= low outcomes.

Understand that bullies are brain-washers. They are repetitious in their verbal attacks, and if you aren’t careful after they have repeatedly suggested that you’re stupid, ugly, or no good long enough, they will force you to believe it too. You won’t even know it’s happening until it’s too late.

‘You see? A bully knows that if you tell a person something enough times for long enough, that person is more likely to believe it.

Understand that bullies do this on purpose. Their goal is to derail you, your goals, and your future by manipulation, to turn you against yourself.

Because bullies know that once they make you believe you’re worthless and can’t do anything right, you will unwittingly and ultimately live up to their expectations.

You must realize that any name a bully calls you, they want you to be. Anytime a bully tells you that you will never be loved, never be successful, etc., the goal is to crush your self-esteem and any prospect for the future.

Law of Attraction on Blackboard with Words

And people want to be right! Bullies want so badly to be right about you so that they can eventually point at you and tell others,

“See? What did I tell you? I told you he was a jackass!”

“I told you she would (screw up, fly off the handle, get into trouble, etc.).

“Uh-huh! What did I tell you? Huh?”

Therefore, should it be any wonder why bullies continuously bombard you with horrible names and accusations? If a person calls you a lowlife, they want you to be a lowlife because they want you to prove them right!

There is a reason why cycles repeat themselves over again! Everything becomes a cycle. What you expect is what you will end up getting. Even worse, it’s what you’ll eventually live up to. Always! It’s only the Law of Attraction at work, and it never fails.

It won’t be easy to do. It’s challenging to think positively and to keep loving yourself when you’re continually having horrible names and negative comments hurled at you from every direction. It’s tough to keep your heart open when the hearts of people around you are closed and locked tight. It feels impossible to love yourself when it seems that everyone hates you. I feel your pain because I’ve been right where you are now.

 

However, you can only break the cycle of abuse and negativity by continuing to love yourself even when it seems that nobody else does, by finding a reason to live when life seems hopeless, and by refusing to lose sight of your goals, your dreams, and most of all, your value as a human being.

Be mindful of your thoughts and always replace any negative thinking with thoughts that are positive.

If a bully calls you stupid, counter his statement by saying something as simple as,

“No! I’m smart! You’re the stupid one!”

You may have to work hard at it, but you can do it.

Reactive Bullying, What is It?

Reactive bullying happens when a target has taken so much abuse for so long that when the pressure builds to the boiling point, the targeted person blows up or
‘snaps,’ lashing out at their tormentors.

The target let’s them have it! Many would say that the victim  “bullies them back” and I have made the same statement. However, the more I think about that statement, the more it sounds like an oxymoron.

Be that as it may, is blowing up and going off on bullies the wisest thing for targets to do?

Believe me. I get that people can only take so much. I understand that when you’ve had enough, you’ve had enough, and I’m with you. However, make no mistake. An explosive reaction is precisely what the bullies want.

They want you to snap.

They want you to blow up on them so they can then claim victimhood and make you look like the bully.

Understand that bullies are experts at baiting a target into a reaction, then using the justified (and perfectly normal) response as proof that the targeted person is “mentally unstable,” “crazy,” “a dangerous person,” “too sensitive,” or a “drama queen”!

Bullies also use the target’s normal reaction to guilt and convince him/her that it’s all their fault.

Bullies will make statements such as:

“Well? Maybe if you wouldn’t get so overly emotional, you’d have friends!”

“If you didn’t overreact to everything, people would want to be around you more!”

In short, bullies gaslight their targets with statements like these to make excuses for the behavior and deflect the blame back onto the victims. And sadly, it works like a charm, and bystanders and witnesses believe the target is unstable.

Note: A perfect example is a scene in one of the “Home Alone” movies, when the main character, Kevin McAllister’s older brother Buzz makes a fake apology to his family, then sneakily calls Kevin a trout-sniffer during a family meeting after the fiasco at the choir concert. Notice how Buzz baits his younger brother Kevin into a reaction!

If you are a target, I want you to understand that there is a name for this. It’s called gaslighting, and it’s a trick to throw you off balance.

Understand that, if you blow a gasket and tear into your bullies, in no way will your harsh reaction undercut the fact that they initiated it- that your bullies are the ones who asked for it and drove you to get out of character.

Realize that every single human one of us is capable of losing our cool when we’re under that kind of pressure after we’re attacked and subjected to vile treatment for so long.

However, there are many people who do think otherwise and will punish you because they feel you overreacted. There will be those who feel that the punishment outweighed the crime.

This is why teachers, supervisors, and others in authority must learn to distinguish between provocation and a reaction so that they will be able to identify the real bully and victim. And you must also learn to tell the difference between the two so that you can call it out when it happens to you.

Luckily, there are a few sure-fire ways of identifying the real victim who is only reacting to a provocation by a bully.

1. A victim who has only reacted always feels terrible about how they acted once they’ve calmed down and is usually the first to apologize for it. A real victim will also not be afraid to admit they’ve made a mistake.

On the other hand, a bully must always be right and will never admit they’ve done anything wrong. A bully will still blame the victim and be overly critical of the victim and the reaction. Bullies will also use the tiniest screw-up or imperfection and make it bigger than it is. They are also excessively dramatic.

2. A victim will also apologize, sometimes nervously and excessively.

A bully will never apologize. Because a bully is never wrong, even feels that it is their right to mistreat their targets.

Please note that if the bully is a smooth talker, he might even admit to a few minor mistakes or wrongdoings. However, they will always follow that with the claim that the victim is at fault.

So, always look for these signs, and you’ll be able to peel the mask off the bully, layer by layer! Moreover, you’ll be able to protect and care for the victim!

With knowledge comes empowerment!