Tag: je ne sais quoi

What is That Coveted Je Ne Sais Quoi?

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Charming older woman smiling

What is that Coveted je ne sais quoi? Je Ne Sais Quoi is French, and it means, “I don’t know what.” The term is used to describe a special but indescribable characteristic that someone has – a characteristic that is hard to name. It’s that unnamable characteristic that attracts people, especially suitors, and puts them under the person’s spell.

When someone has a certain je ne sais quoi, people will usually say things like, “There’s just something about him/her.” Someone who falls in love will often use that phrase when those outside the relationship can’t understand what the love-stricken individual sees in the person they’re in love with.

Some people were born with this mysterious allure and come by it naturally. These lucky people seem to attract people easily and effortlessly. Others, like most bullying targets, were not blessed with it and have great difficulty making friends. Shy people and those on the autism spectrum tend to have the most difficulty in this arena.

can this je ne sais quoi be taught?

Businessman schmoozing colleagues at a social gathering

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying and you’re having difficulty making friends or finding love, the secret to getting that je ne sais quoi is to understand exactly what it is. Thankfully, it is something you can learn, and, once you learn it, you can use it to your advantage.

So, what is it exactly?

Simple. It’s social intelligence, which is a combination of confidence, charm, and charisma, or The Three C’s. The most precious thing in the universe isn’t money. It isn’t gold or silver. It’s these three traits because they set you on a path of success in every aspect of your life. However, to have the three C’s, you must first have healthy self-esteem.

Sadly, many targets of bullying don’t realize this. They want these traits so badly but don’t have the self-esteem to back them up.

As a result, they live a lonely and unsuccessful life. They secretly resent those who have that je ne sais quoi as they sit on the sidelines and watch them have a blessed life. Also, they may resent God for not blessing them with it, which only makes things worse.

man with confidence

Healthy Self-Esteem always comes before je ne sais quoi

Moreover, when a young target asks an adult how to learn that certain something that attracts people, the adult may only laugh them off and tell them,

“That’s something that can’t be taught. It’s something you’re born with. You either have it or you don’t. And if you don’t, you’re just shit out of luck.”

Adults give them those types of hurtful responses because either they themselves don’t know, or they do know but would never tell them for obvious reasons. Consequently, young targets believe the lies and stop trying – at everything. They stop trying to make friends and move up in the world.

The resulting mentality becomes this: “Why do all that work if it isn’t going to get me anywhere? I’d only be spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.”

As a result, these people accumulate long strings of failed friendships and relationships and jump from job to job. Also, they run around with ne’er do wells. In short, they relax their standards and become content to cruise through life without extending any effort. Many targets end up on welfare and public housing and it’s because their self-esteem is shot to hell.

man holding a card that reads, "Low Self-Esteem"

Therefore, I often stress doing everything you can to salvage your self-esteem because, again, in order to have charm and charisma, you must first have a healthy self-esteem. Thankfully, you can also learn this. I repeat, no matter what others have told you, social intelligence can be taught and you can go from anti-social to social ninja in just a few years.

Here are a few things you can do to raise your self-esteem and with it, your je ne sais quoi:
  1. Smile! And by smile, I mean do it authentically. A real, genuine smile is one complete with the crinkles around the outer corners of the eyes. If there are no crinkles around the eyes, the smile is fake.
  2. When you’re talking to a person, say their name. According to Dale Carnegie’s book, entitled, “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” a person’s name is music to their ears. Saying their name when you speak to them just makes them feel that having a conversation with you is all the better.
  3. Engage in small talk. Never talk about anything deep. Great small talk conversations discuss topics such as the weather, sports, movies, music, and current events (just don’t go to deep on the current events).
  4. Realize that it’s not about you. One thing I want you to know right now. People care more about themselves and their lives than they do about you. It’s just the reality of human nature. Therefore, become interested in other people and their lives. People always love someone who’s interested in them.

Confident man reach out to shake your hand

Start with doing the above practices and don’t be afraid to learn new tricks. And realize that you will probably need to fake it, at first- fake it until you make it! It’s what I had to do. However, I discovered that when you act confident, you will soon feel confident. And when you feel confident, the fake becomes real.

Practice these things and you will soon be able to raise your je ne sais quoi and draw people to you. And once you do that, you might even be able to schmooze like a pro!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Schmooze it or Lose It: 8 Ways to Schmooze Successfully and Increase Your Likability

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Most of us can make friends and be influential. However, when bullies target us, it’s easy to lose our confidence and self-esteem, and, therefore, lose our ability to schmooze, and to exude that je ne sais quoi that naturally attracts people and draws them to us.

So, what is that je ne sais quoi that people covet so much? What is that something that some were born with, yet most can’t seem to put their finger on? What is that mysterious allure these people have that is so captivating that it makes others want to because friends and business partners with them?

Here’s your answer. That je ne sais quoi is called social intelligence. Some may call it charm or charisma. But whatever you call it, it’s something you need to overcome a bad reputation your bullies unjustly caused you to be labeled with.

Have you ever seen a girl or guy, who was, by society’s standards, “ugly as a dog,” yet they had a long line of suitors waiting anxiously to date them? Have you ever known a businessman, who was sneaky as a cat and slithery as a snake, yet could get all the customers and business associates? And did you ever look at these people with envy because you wanted to possess the magic that they did?

I can tell you that I did when I was young. But back then, when I asked my dad how I could go about getting some of that allure, he shot me off my saddle. I was about 14 at the time. This was before he stopped drinking and before we become close again and it seemed my innocent question was an affront to him.

He told me in a scolding tone, “Listen, darling girl, that stuff cannot be taught. It’s not something you can learn. You’ve either got it or you don’t. You’re either born with it, or you’re not. So, you need to accept it and make do with what little personality qualities God choose to bless you with. You’re going to have to cope with the fact that some things, you’re just stuck with.”

This broke my heart because I was already a target of bullying then and I was desperately searching for ways and habits I could form to make myself less a target. Even then, I knew that one had to have at least a degree of persuasive abilities to survive and get through this life. I also knew that bullying was something that held it’s targets back in so many ways.

I wasn’t only brokenhearted, I was crushed. So, I gave up on my quest for a long time and just resigned myself to the possibility that I would always be a target and began to feel hopeless.

Thank goodness that about four years later, I discovered that my dad was wrong and this je ne sais quoi I so strongly desired was, in fact, something people could learn and practice until it became like second nature. And so, I began a years-long quest of ordering and checking out books on irresistible charm and practicing what I learned. And it ended up paying huge dividends!

Before I give you the answers, I must note that, the tips I suggest will never work on your bullies or anyone else who knows you in the bullying environment. I say this because these people already have their minds made up about who you are. Their judgements of you only become iron clad and nothing will ever change their minds. But that’s okay, do you really want to change their minds. And, at this point, do you really care what they think?

Therefore, I’ve always suggested finding a way to leave the bullying environment and going somewhere where you can start fresh with a clean slate. And once you’re in a brand-new environment, you can then put what you’ve learned to good use.

So, what are ways a target of bullying can schmooze successfully and make friends, connections, and allies of the new people he/she meets? Look no further, because here they are:

1. Smile! And by smile, I mean do it authentically. A real, genuine smile is one complete with the crinkles around the outer corners of the eyes. If there are no crinkles around the eyes, the smile is fake.

2. When you’re talking to a person, say their name. According to Dale Carnegie’s book, entitled, “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” a person’s name is music to their ears. Saying their name when you speak to them just makes them feel that having a conversation with you is all the better.

3. Engage in small talk. Never talk about anything deep. Great small talk conversations discuss topics such as the weather, sports, movies, music, and current events (just don’t go to deep on the current events).

4. Become interested in other people and their lives. People always love someone who’s interested in them.

5. Make people feel good about themselves. If your next-door neighbor’s wife has a brand-new hairdo and you think it looks great, tell her that. If a couple in your church has just had a baby, congratulate them and compliment them on how adorable their baby is. Genuine, heart-felt compliments can make someone’s day. So, don’t be short on praises and compliments. 

6. Say, “Thank you.” If your nephew mowed your lawn for you and your yard looks great, thank him for it and tell him what a great job he has done.

7. Ask questions (without being nosy, of course). Ask innocent questions. For example, if your business partner has a son who’s in his first year of college, ask, “How’s your son doing in school?” or “How does your son like college life so far?” Your business partner will appreciate that you thought to ask and he’ll like you more for it.

8. Be kind. In the increasingly cruel world we live in, a kind word goes a long way. Especially for people who are bullied and abused because they’re the ones who need kindness the most. If someone is having a difficult time, give them encouragement. Finding the voids that people have and filling it for them is the best way to make their day and they’ll appreciate you for it. Remember that kindness costs nothing. So, spread it around!

These are some of the best ways to schmooze and increase your charisma and likability. However, if you’re a target of bullying, you might be too afraid to do these things. But you must take the first step, and do it scared, but once you do and the more you do it, the easier it will come to you until it becomes like second nature.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Notice: I will delve deeper in my upcoming eBook, “Schmooze It or Lose It: Ways to Increase Charisma and Live Down a Bad Reputation”