Why You Should Never Compare Yourself to Someone Else

October 6, 2021Leave a comment

Many targets of bullying get into the habit of comparing themselves to others. For example, a bullied kid sitting in the lunchroom at school may look a few tables over and see the very kids who bully him surrounded by friends, yucking it up and having a good time. They seem to be enjoying friendships while the bullied kid is left in the cold. And watching causes an ache in the poor kid’s chest. He thinks to himself:

“I wish I were like him because if I were, I’d have friends too. I hate him because he’s a creep and doesn’t deserve to be so lucky! Why him? I deserve it more than he does? It’s not fair!”
But when is life ever fair?

Here’s another example:

A coworker at a company sees another coworker who hasn’t put in as much time getting a promotion. He immediately gets angry and thinks that the only way the other guy must’ve gotten that promotion is by sucking up to the boss. He then begins to wish the other coworker all kinds of bad luck.

The root of this is thinking that someone else is just luckier or better off than you.

Comparing yourself to others is a real self-esteem killer. But sadly, people do it all the time. When you compare your life to someone else’s, it only breeds all kinds of toxic emotions, two of which are anger and jealousy.

Understand that you cannot judge a person’s outward appearance or the appearances they keep up and accurately judge what their life is like. Because people are notorious for showing only the best parts of their lives and keeping the less-than-desirable parts hidden.

Also realize that some people, bullies especially, making it a point to flash the positive aspects of their lives to those around them for the sole purpose of provoking envy. Because knowing that others are jealous of them is a huge boost to their egos, giving them a sense of power and that they’re better. Realize that the appearances these people keep up are only a show.

An example of this would be:

You see someone decked out in fancy clothes and drives a hot sports car. They have a six-bedroom house in the ritzy part of town. But! Although they look like they’re rolling in money, they’re more than likely only living beyond their means. Chances are that they’re in debt up to their eyeballs and feeling terrified inside because they know that if the slightest setback happens, they’ll lose it all!

Here are a few more examples:

Jealousy

You see a seemingly happy couple in a shopping mall and you’re still single. They look so happy and so in love, and they have friends around them. But you don’t know what goes on in their house. The husband might be abusing his wife behind closed doors (or vise versa) and they’re only putting on airs. They might be on the brink of divorce.

You may look on social media and see pictures of one of your someone you know lying on the beach in the tropics. But what you don’t know is that they had to clean out their savings just to take that trip.

Here’s my point. Never judge anyone who seems a little luckier than you, because, in private, they could be fighting battles you know nothing about.

They may have a mother at home dying of cancer, a father who went off to war and never came back, or be buried in legal issues.

And many times, you feel so content with your life until you spot these people. All of a sudden, you’re feeling less than. This should be a good indicator as to how useless envy and self-comparison really are.

How you fight this is to take your attention off these people and count your blessings. Because although they may be luckier than you in one aspect, you are most likely better off than them in other ways. Think about it.

Understand that anytime you feel jealous of another person, it only means that deep inside, you have a deep-seated spirit of lack and failure and you want to take the other person’s good fortune away from them and keep it for yourself.

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It’s a sign that you don’t feel that you can ever reach those goals yourself. Stop it! Because if they can, you can too.

Stop comparing yourself to others because it’s a waste of time and energy. It also drains your of confidence.

Know that you are enough and your life is enough. And you never know what the future holds. You too may someday buy your dream home, find a loving partner, or get the opportunity to go on a tropical getaway.

For now, be happy for those who are presently getting those opportunities. Instead of provoking jealousy in you, these people should inspire you and give you hope for the future.

Self-Loathing, Self-Consciousness, and Low Self-Esteem Comes From Not Knowing Who You Are

July 22, 2021Leave a comment

Let’s face it. We live in a society of three things that kill peace and happiness- self-loathing, self-consciousness, and low self-esteem; and it shows every day. We see people with victim mentality, people running around in fear, and people who carry unnecessary guilt.

Targets of bullying do this all the time to prove something to their classmates, neighbors, or coworkers. Even people who aren’t necessarily targets of bullying but have been brainwashed by media to believe that they’re somehow responsible for the evil in the world do the same thing. I want you to understand that you are not responsible for someone else’s atrocious and unspeakable actions.

For example, last summer, we saw on the news, where people people would kneel before certain groups to virtue signal and prove they weren’t racist, xenophobic, or homophobic. And while these people were kneeling, those they were kneeling before only laughed. It was quite pathetic.

‘You see? Here’s the thing. If you know who you are and that you aren’t any of these things, you don’t have to prove it.

My point is that that if you know who you are, what you stand for, and that you haven’t done anything wrong- if you know in your heart that you’re not what others say you are, there’s no need to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to prove otherwise.

At the same time, you absolutely must loathe evil and yes, even speak out against it. But virtue signaling isn’t necessary.

I hate racism, xenophobia, and homophobia with a passion and I speak out against it. I hate anything that marginalizes human beings on the basis of being different and not their character and their behavior. But I won’t take responsibility for the despicable behavior of other people and I will never virtue signal to prove anything because I don’t have to.

I know who I am and I know that my virtues are there whether they’re visible or not.

So let your goodness and humanity speak for itself. Let your truth do the talking for you. Stop being afraid of conflict and of being labeled. If you’re carrying guilt that isn’t your burden to carry, stop it right now. Know that a fearful person is a controllable person. Don’t be that person!

Don’t be the person who is constantly trying to prove something to others because, in the end, you only demean and degrade yourself.

Instead, be the person who hates and speaks out against evil and wrongdoing. Be the person who shows love to people of different races, nationalities, orientations, religions, beliefs, or any other differences. But most of all, be the person who’s positivity, love, and good deeds speak for themselves. Remember that we’re all human beings deserving of dignity and love.

Your Inner Bully- Why You Should Ignore It

July 7, 2021Leave a comment

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It’s true that, in most cases, we are our own worst critics and enemies. We get in our own way, sabotaging our own successes. Then, we wonder why we’re always stuck.

It’s because we listen to that nagging, bitchy voice that tells us we “can’t do it.” That we’re “going to fail epically.” We give too much attention to that taunting voice that laughs at our dreams and aspirations.

Here are a few reasons why we should pay that inner bully voice no mind:

1. It sabotages us. Thoughts have a way of becoming things and circumstances and they will only cause us to miss out on opportunities and flub our goals.

2. It serves us no purpose. That negative voice is a waste of time and will only keep you stuck if you’re not careful.

3. We might just end up believing it. What we believe, we become, and, as mentioned in number one, that evil voice only serves to sabotage and derail you from your goals and dreams.

4. It trashes our self-esteem. Over time, that voice will erode your self-esteem and steal away your confidence and peace of mind. Once your confidence is gone, bad things begin to happen. As Ralph Waldo Emerson quoted, “If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.”

Here is what happens when we listen to our inner bully:

1. We put too much pressure on ourselves to meet standards that are unattainable.

2. We think we need a slew of friends to feel well-liked.

3. We think we need to be filthy rich to feel valuable.

4. We think we need to be ½ of a couple.

5. We live in the past or future instead of enjoying the present.

Most targets of bullying are especially bad for this and the only thing it does is make them feel worse about themselves. But, as humans, the inner bully is our default mind setting. We all have that inner voice that cuts us down to size.

Fortunately, there are things you can do about it. Isn’t it time you gave your inner bully the boot?

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Replace that nagging voice in your head with that of a loving friend.

Replace the negative thoughts with those that are positive.

Train that inner voice to say positive things instead of negative.

Granted, this will be a difficult thing to do because your mind will fight you every step of the way. But when we catch ourselves thinking negative thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are positive, we will slowly rewire our brains until it finally becomes natural. What this is doing is creating new neural pathways and once those pathways are complete, you will naturally think more positively.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Learned Helplessness

July 5, 2021Leave a comment

When a person has been bullied and abused long enough, they develop a condition called “Learned Helplessness.” In essence, they give up and forego any options they may have to make a better life for themselves.

Many targets and survivors of bullying are stuck in the only life they know and if bullying and abuse are the only things a person knows, they’re likely to stay stuck in relationships and environments that are harmful to them because they’ve been conditioned all their lives to accept it and that it’s normal.

This can happen to animals as well. Here’s a piece from the book, “The Body Keeps the Score,” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M. D.

“Maier and Seligman had repeatedly administered painful electrical shocks to dogs who were trapped in locked cages. They called this condition, ‘inescapable shock.’”

“After administering several courses of electric shock, the researchers opened the doors of the cages and then shocked the dogs again. A group of control dogs who had never been shocked before immediately ran away, but the dogs who had earlier been subjected to inescapable shock made no attempt to flee, even when the door was wide open- they just lay there, whimpering and defecating. The mere opportunity to escape does not necessarily make traumatized animals, or people, take the road to freedom.

Like Maier and Seligman’s dogs, many traumatized people give up. Rather than risk experimenting with new options, they stay stuck in the fear they know.”

This is interesting.

Many targets of bullying have been repeatedly traumatized just like the electric shock dogs in the excerpt. They have been abused for so long that they’ve been programmed to stay in a miserable environment and tolerate more abuse. It’s heartbreaking!

Nine times out of ten, the target is trapped in the bullying and has no chance of getting away from it. They’re trapped in a school they can’t transfer from, or a job they can’t afford to quit. Many parents can’t afford to move to a new area and zoning laws forbid switching schools. Whatever the situation may be, there’s no getting away from the bullying.

When your fight or flight response has been blocked, what can you do? What can you do when you’re prevented from running away or from fighting back? You either fly into a rage and end up committing a serious crime or you shut down completely and surrender to “what just is” or “the way things are”- you give up.

Targets and survivors who suffer from Learned Helplessness have been programmed to believe that there is nothing they can do to defend themselves. They are trained to believe they have absolutely no control over what happens to them.

This is why we should take care never to allow bullies and abusers to drive us to the point to where we give up and become brainwashed into believing that we’re helpless because it will have devastating consequences for your entire life. No matter how others treat us and how bad things get, we must hold on, with everything we have, to our belief in ourselves.

We must hold on to hope and keep our eyes on our goals and dreams. Only then will we be able to truly break the hold any bullies or abusers have on us.

Although you may not physically be able to escape the bullying and abuse you suffer, you still have control over your mind. You still have a say in what goes into your mind and what you choose to kick out of it. So, never allow the words of a bullying abuser clutter your brain. Instead, fill your mind with your goals, dreams, and things that make you feel good about yourself.

Work on devising a plan of escape and stick to it. Then, when the time is right and a door opens, put your plan into action.

Trust me, you’re worth it and you deserve to live drama-free and in peace.

Making Poor Choices Just to be Accepted

June 13, 2021Leave a comment

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Sadly, targets of bullying often make poor life choices because of bullying. Years ago, I was targeted and yes, I made some really bad decisions, some of which continue to affect my life today.

At the time, I didn’t really know why I made those decisions. However, today, there is no doubt in my mind that the reason I allowed myself to get into smoking marijuana and having sex during high school was that I was lonely from being bullied.

You see? Most targets have been bullied for so many years that they will do anything- anything, to be accepted and make friends. After so long, the loneliness, the despair, and the sadness becomes too much to bear and desperation begins to creep in.

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Young Targets may do one or more of the following:

1. Try drugs

2. Overeat

3. Undereat

2. Have unsafe sex/promiscuity

3. Join gangs

4. Participate in crime

5. Commit high-risk behaviors (like drag-racing and dangerous daredevil stunts)

They will sometimes do these things just to feel like they belong.

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Girls may begin “dating down”. They settle for either a partner they don’t really love, or an abusive partner just for validation that they too can attain romance and they are worthy of love just like everyone else. Boys may do the same.

They may also get into drinking, drugs, and hard partying.

Girls may also deliberately become pregnant because they want so bad to have someone (the baby) to love them.

If you are a target of bullying, I can’t emphasize enough that you don’t have to do these things to be accepted or to feel loved. There are better options.

Instead of making unwise choices, practice your talents, and do the things you enjoy. Spend time with the people who DO love you. Give a little of yourself to help others every day and I promise you, it will pay off sooner or later.

Know that there will come a day when you attract genuine friends into your life. IT’s true. Believe it with every fiber of your being!

Bullying Can Cause Toxic Shame

April 6, 2021Leave a comment

Bullies ritually beat their victims down to the point that the poor targets have come to view themselves through the eyes of their bullies. Toxic shame is, perhaps, the worst type of shame a person can have. Because once you begin to view yourself through the eyes of your abusers, that’s when you know you’ve hit rock bottom.

Their contempt, disgust, and aversion toward you have rubbed off on you, and you began to hate yourself. But I want you to understand that this is what your bullies want. They want you to hate yourself. Because the bullies know that if they can work on you and finally get you to hate yourself, they know they’ve won.

Your bullies aren’t stupid. They know that you’ll submit to the abuse because when a person hates themselves, they think they deserve abuse.

When a target of bullying suffers from toxic shame, they accuse themselves of sins of which they aren’t guilty. They apologize incessantly over things that aren’t their fault. Ultimately, targets feel guilty for merely existing!

Toxic shame causes one to lose trust in himself and their decisions and judgments, and become afraid to make them. Ultimately, it makes for a miserable life.

The points mentioned above are why we must guard our self-esteem and confidence. But before we can do that, we must educate ourselves on where bullying comes from, the mindsets of bullies, how to spot them before they strike, ways for targets to minimize the effects of bullying, and the damage bullying can do. Only then will we have the knowledge to empower, protect, and take care of ourselves.

This is what this blog is all about, and it’s my wish that targets and potential targets learn these things to defend themselves. Because if we can reduce the number of victims, we can then reduce bullying.

That False Sense of Insecurity When You’re a Target

March 10, 2021Leave a comment

Bullies will often bully a specific victim for so long that the victim eventually expects maltreatment from all people. Although I no longer get bullied and have long since regained my confidence and self-esteem, I do remember that feeling all too well.

After being bullied for so long, you become fearful. Around people, you clam up, keep your eyes to yourself and go about your business. However, it seldom works because bullies are like pit bulldogs; they can smell fear from a mile away, so being reserved and staying out of the way tends to bring about more bullying.

You can always tell when a person is a victim of bullying because they continuously apologize for everything. Overapologizing is the surefire sign of bullying and abuse, as is being reserved and afraid to look people in the eye.

Understand that the person who does that is scared to death. They’ve lost all sense of their worth and are afraid to make decisions because they might make the wrong one and be ridiculed, shamed, or harmed for it.

Many targets are also afraid to talk to people because they’re afraid of saying something stupid or offensive and again getting persecuted for it. They’re fearful of going out or being seen in public because they might run into the wrong people (bullies).

They’re scared to greet people because they fear that they’ll be seen as too friendly. So, they’re often mistaken for being stuck up or standoffish.

If you are a victim of bullying and you do any of the above, STOP!

Living your life in fear is no way to live! It sucks! It’s a downright miserable existence, and I refuse to keep my head down and clam up to avoid the pettiness of other people!

I want you to realize that you don’t need permission to be yourself or to exist! The day you say, “Screw it! Who cares what those idiots think!” will be the day you get your life back. Things may indeed get worse before they get better. But it’ll be worth it in the long run. I guarantee it.

We Are What We Think

February 28, 2021Leave a comment

You’ve heard the quote, “You are what you eat.” So, it goes with your thought processes. You are also what you think.

Targets of bullying can start off as confident and outgoing people. But after years of bullying and abuse, they become insecure, afraid, and withdrawn. Sometimes, they can turn against themselves. They began to think that they aren’t worthy of anything good in life. They stop believing in their own good qualities. They no longer think they’ll ever be loved, ever be accepted, or ever be successful and that nothing will ever go right for them.

Law of Attraction

Then, sure enough, things begin to happen that matches their thoughts and feelings. These poor people began to fall out with friends and family, they have back-to-back bad breaks. They finally develop feelings of self-loathing and end up alone, rejected, unsuccessful, and unlucky.

Here’s how it works:

You must realize that your thought patterns determine your outlook (attitude).

Your outlook determines your decisions and behavior.

Your decisions and behavior determine your outcomes.

Your outcomes determine your life and the events that happen in it.

All this then re-enforces your outlook or attitude.

This becomes a cycle and cycles always repeat themselves.

Anytime you think a thought, you send a message into the universe and, sooner or later, you get a response that matches, and the response always returns as an event, situation, or circumstance. And once it becomes a vicious cycle in your life, it’s damn hard to break that cycle.

Know that this cycle can be broken, but it takes a lot of time, patience, and hard work. I can tell you from experience that the changes won’t happen overnight, and the reason is that, once a pattern is set, unseen forces (like your subconscious mind, for instance) will, at first, fight against any change you try to make. You could say that these unseen forces (your subconscious) have become comfortable with the way things are and, just as most people hate change, so do the higher powers at work.

But know that if you keep at it, your breakthrough will present itself eventually. It has to after a while because of your refusal to give up.

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying, you must be very careful that you don’t allow your bullies and the lies and toxic messages they send to influence the way you think of yourself. You must fight like the devil to hold on to your self-belief. Your life and its trajectory depend on it!

If you hold on to your positive attitude and sense of self from the very beginning, you’ll save yourself a lot of time and hard work in the future. Most of all, you’ll save yourself from a lot of future pain and misery.

Bullying Will Diminish the Target’s Ability to Trust Him/Herself

February 24, 2021Leave a comment

Why? Because the target’s judgement, decisions, and feelings are constantly attacked, negated, and condemned by others. When a target is bullied, they’re taught that, although the abuse they suffer is painful, they either shouldn’t feel, or they have no right to feel that pain because they’re to blame for the abuse they suffer.

Targets are conditioned by bullies, bystanders, even people in authority, friends, and family to just suck it up and negate their own painful feelings. In that, they’re trained either not to understand or to deny their own suffering and that bullies and others are abusing them.

Targets are trained to believe that other people’s vile behavior is their fault and that something is wrong with them, otherwise the bullying wouldn’t be happening to them. Targets are also taught that everything that goes wrong is because of them. In short, they’re taught that the abuse they’re getting is somehow justified.

As a result, targets often withdraw because they become afraid that they’ll only attract bullies and bullying behavior from the people around them. As a result, targets are left feeling confused and inadequate.

Targets are made to think that:

They take things wrong.

They’re too sensitive.

They asked for it or had it coming.

There’s something wrong with the way they are.

There’s something wrong with the way they express themselves.

There’s something wrong with the way they come across to people.

Therefore, targets stop believing in themselves. Even worse, they lose trust in themselves, their abilities, and their capabilities. And once this happens, they become perfect victims for bullies.

Understand that targets suffer many attacks to not only their physical body, but also their psyche and their emotional being.

Even worse, their very souls are tired, their spirits broken, and they don’t understand their own pain nor why they feel it inside.

Being a target of bullying is a hell that no one who hasn’t been there can possibly comprehend. When you’re bullied, you’re in the fight of your life, and for your life. And when I say fight for your life, this doesn’t only means fighting to stay alive, although it can.

“The fight for your life” can mean fighting for your self- esteem. It can mean fighting for your personal power and dignity. It can mean fighting to keep your confidence up and self-esteem from being broken so that the abuse doesn’t affect your grades, performance (at school or work), or worse, your ability to make smart decisions and life-choices. You’re fighting to keep the abuse from effecting your entire future. Most importantly, you’re fighting to maintain your health and your sanity.

Because you’re very much aware that if you allow these people to cause you to lose any of the above, then you unwittingly give them power over your entire life and every aspect of it. You may not end up dead, but you won’t really live, you’ll only exist. And that’s no way to live!

No matter what happens, stay strong. Hold on to everything mentioned above, or as much of it as possible. And most of all, know that there are people out there who care.

Types of Beliefs Bullying Instills in Targets

January 1, 2021Leave a comment

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“Nobody will ever love me.”
“Nothing good can ever happen to me.”
“Human beings are predators and love drama.”
”It sucks to be me!”

Those were once my beliefs.

Bullying is a form of brainwashing. When a person has been an object of bullying for an extended length of time, they become fearful and unconsciously hold themselves back. After people tell the target for so long that they aren’t good enough, the tormented person comes to believe it themselves. Even worse, those negative thoughts, which have, for several years, been drummed into their heads by bullies, become a self-fulfilling prophecy!

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Because bullying is so repetitive, it causes the target to think that they don’t deserve to be happy or prosperous. This person stops taking risks and plays everything safe. They settle for far less than what he/she deserves. And they don’t trust themselves to make good decisions and to say or do the right thing.

Targets of chronic bullying have the mindset that good fortune happens to anyone but them. Also, victims lose faith in humanity and come to think that all people are rotten and take pleasure in harming others. As a result, they lose their trust in humans in general, which only causes them to lose out on what could be genuinely remarkable friendships and relationships and re-enforce loneliness and isolation.

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This is what bullying does to victims. It reprograms their minds and smashes their self-esteem to pieces, which can sometimes take years to put back together again. It causes them to do things that they usually would never do. I say this because it happened to me.

During the years my classmates bullied me, I did not trust anyone. I selected friends I didn’t want to be friends with and dated a few guys whom I wasn’t even remotely attracted to- all because I believed I couldn’t do any better. I did this to avoid being alone.

As long as there was a warm body around, it was “good enough.” I didn’t realize that not only was I being unfair to myself but also the people I selected. I deserved to be with people whom I wanted to be with and who were upstanding and positive, and they deserved to be with people who were with them because they chose to be, not because they were the only option. I was doing what Zig Zigler termed as “stinkin’ thinkin.'”

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Here is another thing victims do as a result of bullying, they never permit themselves to be selfish, not realizing that a little bit of selfishness is okay, even imperative at times! In the past, people have repeatedly accused these targets of being selfish when they are only caring for themselves and also shamed them into believing that anything they do for themselves is wrong. Therefore, they put themselves on the back burner and everyone else comes first, often at the victim’s own expense!

It happened to me. I became shy and shut people out for fear of being harmed. I was afraid to say “no” to people because, in the past, I had been retaliated against and hurt for daring to set a boundary. I was forbidden to set boundaries and expected to, even forced to “let” others violate me. It was a terrible situation, which eventually caused me not to value myself as a person.

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And when I finally got mad at the direction my life was headed. I decided, “No more!” I deserved to be happy just as much as the next person and I got proactive. I became hungry for any knowledge that would help me change my inside so that I could change my outside!

I took my first step toward empowerment by reading as many personal development books as I could get my hands on, then putting their advice into practice. And believe me! Spiritual and psychological reprogramming isn’t easy!

Anytime you set out to change destructive thoughts and habits you’ve had for several years, it’s the hardest thing to do. It takes a lot of grunt-work and, most of all, patience because the change doesn’t happen overnight.

Your mind will fight you every step of the way. It took several years for me to notice a significant difference in my thought patterns and attitude.

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Thankfully, it finally paid off in a big way, and things are much different today! I want you to know that when you are a target, placing worth on yourself and doing the work to bring positive changes in your life is the most important thing you can ever do for yourself.

Don’t do like me. For a time, I let my bullies win by caving in under a mountain of pressure and giving them carte blanche to brainwash me with their abuse. However, it was a lesson learned.

Always, value yourself, even when it seems that others don’t because it will work wonders for your self-esteem and save you a lot of work later. Keep fighting even when it appears that you’re losing the battle because oftentimes when things look the bleakest, your breakthrough or relief is just around the corner.

Love yourself and put yourself first, then reach out to only those who reciprocate love and positive feelings to you. Turn a deaf ear to the harmful talk bullies may attempt to fill your head with. Better yet, send those toxic parasites packing! Because you’re worth it! I promise you!

You Can Overcome Shyness

December 18, 2020Leave a comment

Many targets of bullying, after people bully them so severely for so long, become painfully shy. I did. So, I understand entirely.

When a target has personal attacks hurled at them from every direction, and others scrutinize everything they say and do down to the tiniest detail, it’s easy for that person to withdraw, shut out the rest of humanity, and hide in plain sight. It seems to be the safest thing to do.

However, it’s a terrible way to live. Shyness is like a prison without walls. It stops you from being your true, authentic self, and you end up missing out on so much. Shyness keeps you from having fun and enjoying life.

When you’re shy, you don’t properly connect with others because you’re too busy thinking about yourself rather than others.

There. I said it.

You’re too busy thinking instead of connecting- thinking of what to say next, wondering what others are thinking of you and of how they can benefit you, and self-conscious of how you’re coming across. You’re too busy thinking about you!

But what if I said that there was a way to get rid of shyness? What if I told you there’s one- just one ingredient?

It’s true! Are you ready for it? Here it is.

How you get rid of shyness is to take the focus off yourself and become interested in others. And when you do that, you put yourself out there and take risks.

That’s it.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” How right she was.

When you’re so shy that you can’t bear social situations, it’s a sign that you’ve already given your power over to other people. Not good! You owe it to yourself to take that power back.

It won’t be easy. It may feel awkward at first. But put yourself out there and take risks. Greet people- even total strangers, with a smile and a “Hi. How are you?” You’ll be surprised at the positive outcomes you get and how your confidence begins to soar.

I know what some of you are thinking.

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“What if they reject me?”

Rejection is a part of life. You just have to deal with that. Better yet, embrace it. It’s a risk you must take. Life is full of risks.

But if you don’t take risks, you don’t really live, you only exist.

Realize that human beings love it when you’re genuinely interested in them. Let them tell you about themselves and listen not only with your ears and eyes but with your whole heart. Do it long enough, and soon, it will no longer feel awkward. You won’t even need to think about it. It will feel like second nature.

Only when you develop a genuine interest in other people will your shyness disappear. The key is to focus outside yourself.

So, get out there and schmooze it up! I guarantee that you’ll be pleasantly surprised not only at the results you get but how confident you feel!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying and Toxic Shame

June 22, 2020Leave a comment

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Your bullies aren’t stupid. They know that you’ll submit to the abuse because when a person hates themselves, they think they deserve abuse.

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Toxic shame causes one to lose trust in himself and their decisions and judgments, and become afraid to make them. Ultimately, it makes for a miserable life.

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How Easy Is It to Become a Bully When You’re a Target of Bullying?

May 16, 2020Leave a comment

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It’s too easy! Because after others bully you for so long, you search for ways to take the edge off the pain, you search for a band-aid, any band-aid as long as it takes away some of the pain, even temporarily!

Many targets become bullies themselves because they’re just plain tired of feeling powerless. They desire to have control over something- or someone! We all want to be in control of something because to have power over nothing is the very definition of hell!

And nothing renders you as powerless as being bullied by everyone. Once you become completely helpless, you’ll start looking for instant gratification and do anything to achieve some sense of power.

You’ll search for someone even weaker and dumber than you to bully and degrade because, in their cruel treatment of you, your bullies have taught you that bullying another person is what it takes and is, perhaps, the only way to achieve that feel-good sense of control and to climb the social ladder. Finding a victim of your own gives you the sense that you’re not on the bottom of the pecking order any more. No one wants to be on the bottom.

And you think, “Why not? It’s working for them (the bullies) so, it should work for you too.”

The problem with this is that bullies are weak, cowardly, and pathetic, and if you bully someone else, then it shows that you’re no better than they are!

In fact, it proves that you’re worse because you know firsthand how it feels and should know better. You must realize that no one else would feel any different than you do if it were happening to them. In fact, they may not be as resilient as you are and end up taking their own lives. Their blood would be on your hands!

I’m ashamed and sorry to have to tell you, but I did the same thing during school. Because I felt utterly powerless, I began to bully people I thought were weaker than me. I own that and I have remorse for it now.

Take it from someone who’s tried it. If you become a bully and attack others, you may get a rush of power, but it will last for only a short time. It wears off quickly. Then, you’ll be back to square one and looking for the next rush, and you’ll only seek your victim out again and again because you’ll always feel you must have more! It’s no different than being a drug addict!

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And if bullying doesn’t come naturally to you, it will only eat away at your conscience!

I implore to you! Instead of bullying people who look like prey, align with them. Become their friend and their protector. I guarantee you! You’ll feel much better about yourself. More importantly, you’ll make a positive difference in their lives and there’s no better feeling than that!

Knowing that you’ve helped someone and make life better for them is more rewarding than you realize! Knowing that you were possibly the difference that kept that person from ending their own life is a feeling so wonderful, words can’t describe it! I promise you!

Trust Issues and Why Targets Have Them

January 5, 2020Leave a comment

It’s not that targets don’t want to trust people because they do. They want so badly to be able to trust someone not to harm them or to turn on them.

Targets want so much to trust, to be able to relax and to be comfortable in social situations. Only they don’t know who to trust. Therefore, it’s much safer not to trust anyone- safer to put up walls and keep the rest of the world out.

Targets have, over time, built up invisible fortresses around themselves for protection. The problem with this is that these protective fortresses can become prisons and sometimes tombs!

Here’s why this happens:

1. Targets of bullying have been outcasts for so long they don’t trust invitations to events. Even worst, they don’t trust people enough to even talk to them.

2. They get blamed for everything that goes wrong in the environment they’re stuck in.

3. They’ve been treated so badly that they’ve lost faith in humanity.

4. Bullies and their followers have, in the past, baited the target into trusting them somehow, all for the purpose of pulling a joke or prank on him. And the target can no longer risk being fooled again.

Understand that people need human connection. And trust issues are a factor that re-enforces isolation and is no way for anyone to live. It’s a terrible existence and can sometimes create an opportunity for the target to commit suicide.

If you notice that your loved one is isolating themselves or is developing trust issues. It’s imperative that you lovingly talk to them, do a little investigating, and find out why.

Someone just might be bullying your loved one.

Cherie White

Author and Anti-Bullying Advocate

Tag: low self-esteem