Tag: narcissists

narcissists

7 Reasons People Blame Targets for Bullying

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One thing I’m certain of is that every target of bullying, has at some point asked either themselves or another person these questions: “Why am I always to blame?” and “Why do my tormentors often get away with tormenting me?”

Here are the answers, and there are many:

1. Bullies are very convincing liars.

Bullies have been lying and covering up bad behavior all of their lives. They have been doing this for long enough that they have learned what works and what does not work. They are master manipulators who acquire great skill in the arts of deception.

Bullies are also very good at rationalizing and justifying their unacceptable behavior. They are wordsmiths and con artists, who often use charm to deceive those in authority.

2. Bullies often use projection.

They project all their faults and shortcomings onto their targets, making the target look like the bully and themselves look like the victim. When they face possible accountability for their evil actions, they often cry and feign victimhood. This tactic is usually employed by female bullies.

3. Bullies are very charming to the right people.

Consequently, people can use this as another weapon against a target. Bullies seem to emit an oozing charm. Because of this, they have a way of winning people over and making them their allies.

The reason charming bullies use their good reputations as a weapon against any target is because, with this good name, the bully has everyone (except the target) fooled. Others cannot believe that “this sweet, innocent, pretty little girl” would harm anyone. Take a look at the outgoing guy that everyone loves.

No one is going to believe that this “fine young man” would ever beat up a smaller boy unless he was provoked.

4. Because this person has so many friends who cherish them.

Even if these friends did witness them undertake any wrongdoing, they will still more than likely cover-up for the bully out of loyalty and place the blame on the target.

5. There is strength in numbers.

Most bullies have a large number of friends behind them. And people in large numbers wield a cumulative power that can be overwhelming even for the greatest, toughest, strongest, most intelligent individuals. To put it plainly, if enough people actively hate a certain person, that person is powerless, no matter how strong, smart, beautiful, or easy-going they may be.

6. Bullies use gaslighting.

In other words, they add their own spin to make you look and feel like the villain or by laying guilt trips- trying to convince you that it’s your own fault or that the abuse is just your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

7. Bullies malign you to others to destroy your good name and credibility:

Moreover, they recruit followers and start a campaign of hate and viciousness against you by way of rumors, lies, and trying to turn your friends against you. This occurred to me regularly in school. My bullies would do this for my having the gall to stand up to them and refuse to take their abuse.

There were several different benefits from the execution of this strategy.

1. It could be used to protect one another from being labeled by a teacher and getting a bad reputation. Most who have been in school have a least gotten into two fights, which sounds perfectly normal.

2. Destroying the target’s name with the staff would lessen any chances of him being listened to, should the target run and “tattle” to members of the authority. Again, protecting them from discipline at school and allowing them the freedom to do whatever they want to the target whenever they feel like it.

3. It’s used to silence the target and make him/her afraid to report the bullying or speak out about it.

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Targets get the blame because, sadly, the attitudes of most bystanders and members of authority are these:

“Why would so many kids have it in for her if she’s not provoking them somehow?”

“Nobody likes him, so there has to be a reason that justifies it.”

After all, who will look any further than the child with the worst reputation anytime a confrontation arises? If people expect trouble to come from a certain place, that is where they’re going to look. Therefore, the target is under suspicion and the bully gets off scot-free.

It is all designed to manipulate school staff and save the bullies’ behinds from having to face repercussions and, therefore, leaves an opening for further bullying later on.

Targets not only need the confidence to fight to bully but also the knowledge of bullies. The first step of defense is knowing the mindsets and intentions of bullies and the tactics they use. Fortunately, there is a way for those in authority to find out who the real target is. However, they must know what to look for and the target also needs this knowledge in case they have to point it out to them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Narcissistic Bullying and Jealousy

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Bullies see any recognition the target gets for a good deed, high marks, an accomplishment, or success as the target’s having diminished them somehow. If you’re a target, these types of bullies will only see any success you enjoy as a reflection on them.

You force them to think about and take stock of their own successes and failures. Understand that it’s the bullies’ self-focus that sets the stage for their anger and hostility toward you. They will personalize your success as if you’re an opponent who’s competing with them for the same prize.

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The bullies are forced to compare themselves with you out of fear that other people will consider them less worthy or important than you. They feel invisible and left out because they’re not getting the praise that you’re getting. So, they get a sense of disregard from others.

When You Outshine a Bully, They Take it Personally.

But rather than have normal feelings of disappointment and regret, they have anger and hatred toward you.

Although you never did any harm to them, the bullies feel a sense of injustice because they feel that you don’t deserve the recognition but they do. They feel wronged and very much entitled to their anger and hostility.

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Bullies will then accuse you of thinking you’re better than they are- as if they know what you’re thinking. And they really do think they can read your mind correctly, which then only further arouses their anger and hate.

Again, according to the bullies’ logic, you’ve wronged them somehow so, you are the enemy. And this perceived wrong that you’ve done compels the bullies to act hostile toward you because the bullies’ egos have been bruised by your successes and accomplishments.

Just as money is the root of evil, ego is the root of jealousy. And bullies have enormous egos!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies and Cliques May Have Their Little Kingdoms In High School, but What Becomes of Them Once They’re Out of School?

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Little Girl Playing in a Kiddie Pool

Most bullies may peak in high school but only become irrelevant in the real world.

High school is child’s play – the kiddie pool of life, if you will. And most often, graduation means the end of the line for most “popular” bullies and cliques.

I say this because most of my former school bullies had their fame in school but have done very little with their lives since. Most achieve very little as adults, while those bullied by these types evolve into remarkable and highly successful adults.

There are bullies who become successful in life also but it usually doesn’t last. They end up losing it all in the end.

I know this for a fact because  one of my older school bullies got a Nursing degree, then worked as the Director of Nursing in a nursing home. She seemed to be moving up in the world and got handed the most favorable positions- all because she was well-known in the town. (Most of my bullies from school either became nurses, law enforcement, teachers, or went to work in corrections.)

While working her prestigious DON position, she got hooked on prescription pills, and someone caught her stealing out of the medicine cart. The owners of the nursing facility fired her from her job. Next, the state of Tennessee revoked her nursing license. Then her husband divorced her, and she ended up penniless and working in a local cafe for minimum wage. I can only imagine how humbled and humiliated she felt.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t secretly wish for anything bad to happen to anyone, and I don’t boast of the misfortunes of others- not even those who tormented me in school. I’m merely making the point that Karma does repay eventually, and most of these coddled and babied daddy’s girls and puffed up mama’s boys get a colossal letdown once they’re out on their own.

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I came to find out that this has happened to many of my former bullies. They bully innocent others like myself during school, then get the comeuppance they never expected as adults.

Here are a few reasons why most of my ex-bullies aren’t very successful:

To be truly successful, a person must leave their comfort zones and face their worst fear- the possibility of failure. Most bullies will never leave the familiar. They’d rather stay in an environment where they continue to get opportunities, promotions, and rewards handed to them by their “town connections,” which are small to mediocre victories.

Most of my bullies never left that one-horse town. Why? Because they knew they wouldn’t get the special treatment and free passes in any other jurisdiction that were generously afforded them in *Oakley. Therefore, they stay where their friends are and know that they can get by on nepotism and the “Good Ole Boy System,” which rules not only *Oakley but most tiny Southern towns.

However, here’s the thing about small towns and rural areas. It doesn’t take long, nor does it take much effort to maximize potential in these areas, even for well-connected bullies and cliques. A person can only go so far in a rural area, so let them have their small town safety net because they’re only playing in the kiddie pool! They would drown in the big pond.

Silhouette of the Big Crown lies on the word Narcissist. Concept of narcissism as a social problem

High school is the highlight of most people’s lives, so bullies today should enjoy it while they can. Because the real world doesn’t care who you were in high school.

Adult life has no concern with how popular you were, whether you were Homecoming Queen, the varsity football team’s star, or on the cheerleading squad. The workplace doesn’t care if you were in a fraternity or sorority or the if you were class president!

All the real world wants to know is whether or not you can contribute something to it, and most bullies are as incompetent as they come and add nothing to life but negativity.

I’m very thankful that many of my differences, ridiculed by my classmates, are the same characteristics and skills that people today (other than my former classmates) value and admire about me. WHAM! Take that, bullies!

With knowledge comes power!

8 Things Bullies Will Tell Others When the Target Puts Their Foot Down

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Any time a target gets tired of the abuse and calls a bully’s bluff. The bully will more than likely justify their behavior to others. Here is a list of the most famous statements you’re likely to hear, from most popular to least.

1. “She’s crazy.” or “She’s unstable.”

2. “He’s just mad because I called him out!”

3. “She’s so fake.”

4. “She’s too sensitive.” “She’s overreacting.”

5. “He’s a crybaby.”

6. “She doesn’t want to admit when she’s wrong.”

7. “I was just trying to help you.”

8. “She’s just jealous of me because of…”

Always listen to your gut feeling- it will always tell you the truth. If something doesn’t feel good, your gut will tell you. Remember that the sensations of the body never lie. You should expect bullies to act this way when you finally assert yourself; it only goes to show what kinds of people they are- and who you should avoid.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Dealing with Bullying Differently Today Than in The Past

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Bullies have been around since the beginning of time and bullying is a dark part of human nature. However, that doesn’t mean that we should put up with it.

I’ve dealt with bullies at different times my whole life and it has led me to evaluate the way I dealt with bullying in the past. It has also led to a passion for learning more about bullying and what makes bullies tick.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

Bullies are highly insecure, egotistical, know-it-all creeps with god complexes, and they feel they must always be the center of attention. Therefore, they feel entitled to waste your precious time by telling you how they think you should behave, what clothes, accessories, and hairstyles they think you should wear, trying to teach you things that you already know and most likely learned when you were five, and being passive-aggressive (or overtly aggressive). They do this to impress others by making you look inferior.

This is how bullies get the attention they crave.

And the best way to deal with a bully is to refuse them the attention they want. And when we deny bullies attention, we don’t value their opinions of us or anything that comes out of their mouths. We deny them that supply- that ego trip they seek, and in that, we cease to be victims. We might still be targets, but never victims.

In the past, I’ve had bullies force me to justify myself over the most harmless and trivial things, compel me to do things I never wanted to do, and attack me with stealthy put-downs disguised as “teachable moments” and “friendly advice.”

Back then, I over-apologized for just being me, or for things I had nothing to do with. I apologized for other people’s bad behavior, which were things I had absolutely no control over. I bought into their lies and gaslighting and apologized any time a bully let me know that my interpretation of what they would say to me wasn’t meant the way it came across and that they’d never say such terrible things to another person. Then I’d feel bad for taking them the wrong way. All the while, they’d continue and even escalate the abuse.

I’d let bullies push me into losing my temper and returning fire with the same verbal attacks they launched against me. I would then feel terrible when the bullies would whine, cry, and moan about how much I’d hurt their little feelings and how I had “overreacted.”

It’s funny how bullies can always dish it out but can never take it when the crap gets kicked back their way.

What I didn’t realize was that by my reactions, I was giving these bullies the attention they were looking for. I was giving them the green light to push my buttons, to question my mental stability and jerk me around. I was making myself their play-toy. I was allowing them to tear me down in order to build up their own fragile egos.

It was all a load of tripe, and I fell for it- hook, line, and sinker.

But no more. Since then, I’ve learned to spot a bully by observing the same types of behavior. I’ve also learned not to play their games. A person may bully me once. But trust me, they’ll only do it one time because I know bullying and abuse when I see it. And I also know what it looks like in the early stages.

I make it a point to treat others how I’d like to be treated and to listen to other people’s opinions and takes on things. However, bullies and abusers are the exceptions here. And when I see the signs and realize that someone is starting to bully me, they automatically lose a target. And when I’m done with a person, I’m done and there’s no looking back. I won’t continue to stroke a bully’s ego.

If the person is someone in a high position, I’ll withdraw my support. If the person is a coworker, I’ll find another job or I’ll expose them by simply giving them plenty of rope,  then sit back and bide my time until the person hangs themselves and gets fired. If the person is someone related, any future contact will be on my terms.

And when I go no-contact, I won’t bother to explain to the person why I’m done with them because I owe them no explanations. Neither will I smack them across the head and let them know when they are about to cross the line. If they don’t have the self-awareness to realize that their evil actions and behavior are the problems, that’s on them and they’re the one who must deal with the consequences.

And no. I won’t have as much as a shred of guilt over it because self-care is nothing to feel guilty over. I value my sanity and peace of mind more than I ever will others’ opinions of me. For me, the knowledge gained from the lessons I had to learn gives me self-acceptance, self-love, confidence, and personal power.

4 Reasons Bullies Are Celebrated and Non-Bullies Hated

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Everywhere you go, be it the workplace, the school, the community, anywhere, it seems that the worst, most vile and nastiest people are celebrated and those who just want to live their lives in peace and go about their business are despised.

In a world that thrives mostly on smooth talk and appearances, authentic and good people are demonized by others because people see them as threats and feel they must contain threats. But allow me to break it down a little more.

1. The biggest reason bullies are celebrated, and mentally healthy people are hated is because people place their priorities on the wrong things- power, fame, sex, money, success, and good looks- things they feel would make them feel and seem more important.

Also, too many people think that strength is all about the ability to buffalo others and look tough. Granted, this may have been true back during the caveman days, but not today. Today, strength comes from social intelligence and the ability to keep quiet and listen. Strength comes from mental toughness, not physical.

Genuine strength comes from staying true to yourself and committing to the right thing in an environment of wrong. It’s staying kind and good when you’re surrounded by evil. True strength is standing up to power bullies when you feel at your weakest. It’s having the endurance to take life’s gut punches and having the resolve to get back up.

2. Another reason bullies are celebrated, and good people hated is because bullies are notorious for sucking-up to power in power to win favor and special treatment. Good don’t or won’t kiss booty to get ahead. They prefer to advance on their own merit. Good people are true to themselves and feel they don’t have to lick someone else’s boots to survive and thrive. They mind their own business and don’t get involved in cliques and social politics.

3. Bullies are well-known for making the good people with healthy minds look evil and mentally ill and they do it by provoking them into an argument. Bullies know better than to tell blatant lies, so they take a tiny grain of truth and embellish on it, adding their own personal spin to it and making things and people look worse than what they are. Make no mistake, bullies are good at distortions.

They are like magicians in that they create illusions that are believable. You’ve heard the term, “sleight of hand,” but bullies have a talent for, “sleight of word” – they’re the best wordsmiths in the business of bullying. For example, a good person can make an honest mistake and a bully will take it and make it look like the person didn’t do the thing by accident but deliberately. Bullies are experts and making simple mistakes look like evil sins punishable by death.

4. Again, good people are considered threatening in an environment of evil because they have a flare for exposing truths that bullies would move heaven and earth to keep hidden. Sometimes, these people, just by their authentic and down-to-earth personalities, can expose bullies and the bullies know it, so, they decide that it’s better to mob them (the authentic people) out before they bust them (the bullies) out.

Therefore, anytime you are faced with a bully, and you know you never did anything to provoke the person, it’s because of the four reasons above.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies, Narcissism, and Jealousy

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Bullies see any recognition the target gets for a good deed, high marks, an accomplishment, or success as the target’s having diminished them somehow. If you’re a target, these types of bullies will only see any success you enjoy as a reflection on them.

You force them to think about and take stock of their own successes and failures. Understand that it’s the bullies’ self-focus that sets the stage for their anger and hostility toward you. They will personalize your success as if you’re an opponent who’s competing with them for the same prize.

The bullies are forced to compare themselves with you because they’re afraid that other people will consider them less worthy or important than you. They feel invisible and left out because they’re not getting the praise that you’re getting. So, they get a sense of disregard from others.

But rather than have normal feelings of disappointment and regret, they have anger and hatred toward you.

Although you never harmed them, the bullies feel a sense of injustice because they feel that you don’t deserve the recognition, but they do. They feel wronged and very much entitled to their anger and hostility.

Bullies will then accuse you of thinking you’re better than they are- as if they know what you’re thinking. And they really do think they can read your mind correctly, which then only further arouses their anger and hate.

Again, according to the bullies’ logic, you’ve wronged them somehow so, you are the enemy. And this perceived wrong that you’ve done compels the bullies to act hostile toward you because the bullies’ egos have been bruised by your successes and accomplishments.

Just as money is the root of evil, the ego is the root of jealousy. And bullies have enormous egos!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Here’s How You Figure Out Who the Real Bully Is

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blame victim

Reactive bullying happens when a victim has taken so much abuse for so long that the pressure builds to the boiling point, the targeted person blows up or ‘snaps,’ lashing out at their tormentors. In essence, the victim “bullies them back.”

Believe me. I get that people can only take so much. I understand that victims are sick of it, and I’m with them. However, targets don’t realize that an explosive reaction is precisely what the bullies want. They want the target to snap. Bullies want the victim to blow up on them so they can then claim victimhood and make their victims look like the bully.

If you are a parent, teacher, supervisor, or manager, understand that bullies are experts at baiting a target into a reaction, then using the justified response as proof that the targeted person is “mentally unstable,” “crazy,” “a dangerous person,” “too sensitive,” or a “drama queen”!

Bullies also use the victim’s normal reaction to guilt and convince him/her that it’s all their fault and make statements such as:

“Well? Maybe if you wouldn’t get so overly emotional, you’d have friends!”

“If you didn’t overreact to everything, people would want to be around you more!”

In short, bullies gaslight their targets with statements like these to make excuses for the behavior and deflect the blame back onto the victims. And sadly, it works like a charm, and bystanders and witnesses believe the target is unstable.

Note: A perfect example is a scene in the movie “Home Alone” when the main character, Kevin McAllister’s older brother Buzz makes a fake apology to his family, then sneakily calls Kevin a trout-sniffer during a family meeting after the fiasco in the kitchen over Kevin’s cheese pizza. Notice how Buzz baits his younger brother Kevin into a reaction!

If you are a target, I want you to understand that there is a name for this. It’s called gaslighting, and it’s a trick to throw you off balance. Realize that every single human one of us is capable of losing our cool when we’re under that kind of pressure. After we’re attacked and subjected to vile treatment for so long, we snap and act a fool.

This is why teachers, supervisors, and others in authority must learn to distinguish between provocation and a reaction so that they will be able to identify the real bully and victim. And targets must also learn to tell the difference between the two so that instead of erupting, they can call it out when it happens.
Luckily, here’s a surefire sign to look for:

A victim who has only reacted always feels terrible about the way they acted once they’ve calmed down.

The real victim is usually the first to apologize for it.

A real victim will also not be afraid to admit they’ve made a mistake.

the sad girl has problems with mockery and bullying at school.

A bully, on the other hand, always has to be right and will never admit they’ve done anything wrong.

A bully will still place blame on the victim and be overly critical of the victim and the reaction.

Bullies will also use the tiniest screw-up or imperfection and make it bigger than it is. They are also excessively dramatic.

Please note that if the bully is a smooth talker, he might even admit to a few minor mistakes or wrongdoings. However, they will always follow that with the claim that the victim is at fault.

So, always look for these signs, and you’ll be able to peel the mask off the bully, layer by layer! Moreover, you’ll be able to protect and care for the victim!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

6 Tactics Toxic People Use When You Finally Kick Them Out of Your Life

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In movies and television, we see scenarios where targets stand up to bullies and automatically either get left alone or become friends with their former tormentors. However, in most cases, this is not reality. Remember that bullies are relentless.

Here are the tactics bullies use when a target stands up for themselves:

If you are a target, you must realize that bullies will not relinquish their power so easily. They will not be good sports and hand your human rights back over to you, nor will they bow out of your life gracefully. Bullies have an insatiable need to wield power over another, and without that power, they feel lost.

Why? Because bullies have no redeemable qualities and they’re losers in life. And since they can’t get power by their own merit, the only way left to get it is by ruining someone else’s life.

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Make no mistake about it. When you kick unsavory people out of your life, they will do the following:

1. They will gaslight you- by adding their spin to make you look and feel like the villain and maligning you to others to destroy your good name and credibility.

2. They will lay guilt trips- by trying to convince you that you are at fault or that the abuse is your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

3. They may recruit followers and start a smear campaign- by recruiting followers to spread rumors and lies. They will also try to turn your friends against you. It happened to me many times and it would come as retaliation for my having the gall to stand up to them and assert my God-given, divine right not to be abused or taken advantage of.

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4. They will turn your friends against you- Females, although becoming more and more physically violent with time, commit much of their bullying by Dividing and Conquering- attacking the targets’ relationships to turn everyone against the target to isolate them. Think about it. The chances are that your friends know your deepest, darkest secrets. They would know the most intimate details about your life. Friends are a GOLDMINE of information to bullies.

5. They will project their shortcomings onto you– Bullies have flaws and their greatest fear is having them exposed. What better way to keep their imperfections hidden than to either project them onto the target?

6. They will distract others’ attention away from their flaws by pointing out yours– What better way is there to hide their own shortcomings than putting the spotlight on yours? It shouldn’t be so easy but it is!

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If bullies can’t control you, they will control how others see you.

They use the above strategies not only to cover their backsides and to punish you for daring to grow a spine and defend yourself, but also to close you off from any possible help or protection.

Once the target is isolated, the bullies move in for the kill. Now, they can do with you whatever they choose to do, freely and with impunity because if everyone is against you, the least likely they are to report or stop the abuse. In the minds of others, you deserve what’s happening to you.

Bullies want to, figuratively, hold the target hostage, and they will resort to any means necessary to keep him/her on emotional lock down and “in their place.”

They will do it with physical violence when exclusion, subtle digs, verbal assaults, gaslighting, and other forms of psychological abuse no longer have an impact. Bullies will commit their violence either by committing bodily harm themselves or sending someone else to do their savagery for them.

This does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself because you should. However, when you do, be prepared. The torment will get worse before it gets better. Be strong. Be brave and know that none of it is your fault.
The more you know.

The Voodoo That You Do

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You do the Voodoo that you do

Other people you hoodoo

And happiness you poo-poo

We all say screw you

Like a pesky fly, we shew you

You say you’re a guru

You’re so full of doodoo

You’re really just coo-coo

Choosing me was your first boo-boo

‘Cause I see the voodoo that you do 

8 Common Responses Targets Get from Authority and Bystanders When They Speak Out

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If you’re a target of bullying, people will naturally expect you not to open your mouth about the harassment. Not only your bullies themselves but often bystanders and authority will automatically side with the bullies.

But, it still doesn’t mean that you stay silent because standing up for yourself shows bravery and strength and you’re well within your rights to do so.

However, I want you to be prepared for the following hurtful responses you’re likely to get when you finally do begin speaking against the mistreatment.

Here they are:

1. “You’re being too sensitive.” Understand that when people respond this way, they’re only shifting the blame to you and trying to shame you into keeping quiet about it. People who tell you this might be friends or followers of the bullies or have a personal interest in keeping you quiet, such as the reputation of the school or company, the bullies may be kin to them somehow, or the bullies may be perceived as “good for the school’s or company’s reputation.” But don’t be ashamed to speak out. You must keep the pressure on even if the bullying gets worse. Understand that things usually get worse before they get better. But they will get better.

2. “Just Ignore Them.” This never works, as bullies only become angry at being ignored and escalate the bullying. Or, they may mistake ignoring for fear. And if a bully gets in your face, how do you ignore that? It’s impossible. You might think that the best way to handle it is to put your hand up and walk around the bully and it IS a good response. But how do you know the bully won’t come after you and attack you from behind once you’ve walked past them?

Understand that when people tell you to ignore the bully, what this means is that they either don’t want to hear about it, don’t want to deal with it, or don’t have any answers themselves.

3. “Toughen up.” Again. The people who could help you don’t want to get involved. So they put it all on you. By telling you to toughen up, they’re shifting the blame onto you and trying to shame you into staying silent. Also, when you tell a target to toughen up, you’re only asking for things between the target and bully to escalate because the target will take it as a green light to tell the bully to shove it up his you-know-where or haul off and knock the idiot’s block off. Not that it’s a bad thing because, in my opinion, bullies deserve a good whack in the nose.

But those in authority have no right to tell the target to toughen up, then turn around and punish him when he finally does.

Respond to this by saying, “No. It’s not about toughing up. It’s about asserting my right to be treated with decency and I don’t have to take that mess.” And when you say it, say it with conviction.

4. “Get over it.”

5. “Don’t be a crybaby.”

6. “Stop whining.”

7. “Don’t be a tattletale.”

8. Maybe you should just stay out of their way.

All of the above nuggets of advice are only meant to shame and silence you. Bullying is no different from any other form of abuse. It thrives on secrecy. If you don’t speak out about it, the bullying and abuse will only continue, even escalate.

Defending their rights concept. Silhouette of hands pointing, denouncing the hand that defends their rights

I realize that getting these kinds of responses makes you feel even worse and there’s a temptation to clam up and burrow back into your hole. But don’t! You must refuse to keep quiet about it!

Keep speaking out about it. When people give you any of the above responses, that’s when you should only double down, dig your heels in and speak louder! Because only when a problem is addressed does it have the potential to be solved.

It may get worse before it gets better, but there’s always a chance that it will get better when you verbally protest the bullying. And no matter the outcome, you’ll feel so much better about yourself knowing you took a stand.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Narcissistic Game of “Put Out or Get Out”

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When I was a freshman in high school, I heard the horror stories. I saw the humiliation of several girls- girls who were asked out by boys in the top echelons of the social hierarchy. When you’re a target of bullying, you learn very quickly to keep not only your eyes, but your ears peeled, and as a result, you pick up a lot of cross talk.

These guys would take these girls out, treat them to dinner and maybe a movie. Next, they’d take them to the countryside, out to the back roads, and proposition them. Sure, many girls would give in and get thrown away like yesterday’s trash.

But some would refuse. And when a girl politely declined, the guy would get angry, kick the girl out of his vehicle, and leave her stranded on the side of the road. She’d be alone in the dead of night!

Back then, there were no cellphones and no internet, and the poor girl would have to thumb it to the nearest house to call her parents.

I overheard these girls talking in the girls’ room, over in the next stall. On this particular day, a girl was crying and confiding to her best friend. She’d fallen victim to this routine and paid for her solid refusal to cave into any demands for sex.

Although I wasn’t friends with the girl, my heart hurt for her, and I became furious with the guy who did that to her. I remember thinking to myself,

“Soooo…some creep thinks just because he took her to dinner and a movie, that suddenly she’s obligated to let him get in her pants???”

Oh yes! I was steaming! Judging from the way these girls talked, the schmuck who took this girl out acted like he’d done her a favor by asking her on a date- told her to her face that she should be thankful he even considered her!

The longer I eavesdropped, the angrier I became until I just had to get out of there or the temptation to open my mouth and insert my two cents would surely overwhelm me.

Who did this asshole think he was? Just learning of the privileged mindsets of some of those chumps in the popular crowd infuriated me! It was guys like him who made it hard on the decent guys who did respect women.

Their delusions of grandeur!

Thinking they were somehow entitled to a cheap roll in the hey!

Thinking that any girl who dated them was somehow “lucky” and that she should be on her knees thanking him for choosing her!

The delusional assumption that their reproductive organs were made of gold and that a girl was supposed to just grant him access to her body without question!

Ugh! All of it made me sick to my stomach and I couldn’t help but feel compassion for that poor girl a few stalls from me! It was a conversation I never forgot overhearing. I decided then and there that if some jerk from Oakley High asked me out, there was no way I’d be desperate enough to accept, and I didn’t give two hoots how “popular” he was! It wasn’t worth the risk.

No way was I going to fall victim to that! Being a victim of bullying was bad enough. I wasn’t about to add something like that to a repertoire of disses that was already a mile long. No, thank you!

These creeps would also threaten girls with things like, “If you don’t, I’ll tell everyone you did. And who do you think everyone will believe? You or me?”

It was the arrogant and narcissistic guys who had a way of forcing these girls to give them what they wanted. And if the girl wasn’t nearly as popular as the guy, all the worse for her! If she did give in, he’d use her once, then go ghost, while telling everyone he scored with her and putting her down like a dog. If she didn’t give in, he’d put her out, then lie and tell everyone he did score with her but kicked her out because she was a lousy lay.

She was damned no matter what she decided!

I look back now and am thankful I overheard that conversation because it forced me to make a few critical decisions, one of which was to avoid guys in the popular crowd like the plague and date guys who were a little more mature and knew how to treat a girl.

Eventually, I’d meet a guy in the college-age range, and he would become my first serious boyfriend. He allowed me the freedom to decide when I was ready. And although the relationship ended after a year and a half, I can look back and remember that he respected me and never guilted nor threatened me into doing anything I didn’t want to do.

Understand that this is a form of bullying and sadly, it’s something that’s rarely talked about. The creep in this story tried to bully this girl into giving herself to him before she was ready- he played on her fear of being left stranded, then humiliated, to get what he wanted from her. And when she stood firm in her decision, he made good on his threat and put her in a potentially dangerous situation.

I admire her for sticking to her guns, although she was punished for it. And I’m pretty sure she looks back on it today and is glad she respected herself and didn’t give in regardless of the end result.

Even today, many of the women from my class think I and a few others missed out because  “we didn’t date the (right) guys in school.” But I beg to differ. I was fortunate not to have dated any of them because there’s no telling what might have happened to me if I had.

Know this! It’s okay to say no when someone demands you do something you’d rather not do. Avoid anyone who thinks they’re entitled to sex or thinks you owe them something. Because you owe no one a damn thing!

No means no! And if your date cannot respect you for it, then that person is not good enough for you. You deserve so much better. You might have to wait a while longer before a better person comes along, but anyone who truly deserves you is worth the wait!

Message to Bullied Girls: Being a Decent Girl of Morals May Not Reap Rewards Now, But It Will Later.

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I knew how you feel. You see girls at school getting fawned over and sucked up to by hormone-crazy boys, while you get overlooked and laughed at. And the funny thing is that most of these girls may or may not look as good as you but still, these guys see something in these girls. And believe me, I know the sense of bewilderment you must be feeling.

But let me tell you what they see in those girls.

They see potential scores- easy marks – cheap thrills! To put it bluntly- they have plans to bed these girls. A honeypot is a honeypot and erect penises have no eyes. So, do you really want a guy to see you as that?

It could be that the reason they laugh at you and avoid you is that they sense that if they were to ask you out, or to put out, you’ll only turn them down flat. They’re great big chickens!

Understand that when people know they can’t have something, they show disdain for and dump all over it to look like they’re the ones in control.

Thirty years ago, guys in my age group passed me over too. However, I can tell you that many of the same guys only used many of my female classmates one time, then tossed them away like a dirty diaper. Yuck! Who wants that!

And many of these jerks were under the delusion that they were doing these girls a favor by even considering them for a date and that the girls were automatically obligated to put out to them.

If the girl said no, the boy would kick her get out of his vehicle and drive away, leaving her stranded on the side of the road at ten or eleven on a Saturday night. This happened to a great many girls at Oakley High.

So, was I unlucky? I don’t think so. I only see it as evidence that I dodged a bullet!

Know that if you’re one of those girls who are overlooked, it may be a blessing in disguise! Do you really want some creep who’s only out to get in your pants?

I didn’t think so.

Hold on to your virtues. Be confident in who you are and be proud that you have morals and aren’t like the other girls who get kissed up to. Because the favor they get from these guys always comes with a huge price tag!

I’ll have more on this in the next post.

Metaphors Targets Use to Describe Their Bullies

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I can tell you the metaphors I often used to describe my bullies at school. I often called them:

“Teenage Hitlers”

“Devils”

“Demon possessed”

I remember how they’d get in my face, nose to nose, and scream obscenities and curses while bushwhacking me with their funky breath and spraying me with misty micro-balls of their saliva. How their eyes would bulge so far out of their heads, you’d think they were going to pop out.

How they’d jump out of their seats at me, slinging textbooks and papers everywhere and sometimes flinging their chairs backwards!

I remember one bully picking up a metal waste can and hurling it at me with all their strength. The waste can flew past me, barely missing my head by less than an inch. How their faces would contort and how they’d fly into screaming tirades with long diatribes of obscenities, threats of bodily harm, and personal attacks. It was both bizarre and terrifying!

That’s what overt bullying looks like, especially to targets.

Overt bullying looks like angry and snarling faces that bare their teeth and spit on you as they scream, yell and threaten you while balling a fist in your face.

And they called me crazy? I see it so clearly now. They were the crazy ones.

Then, there was covert bullying.

I remember how the covert bullies would come to me with smiles on their faces. How they would act so sincere as they asked such personal questions about my private life. If I was dating, they’d ask such personal questions:

“Have you given it up to him yet?”

“Have you gotten horizontal yet?”

“Are you still a virgin?”

I didn’t answer those questions, of course. However, the questions alone made me feel violated. For them to think they could ask me such questions so openly made me feel disrespected.

The covert bullying looked like smiling faces with a gleam in their eyes as they hurled zingers and backhanded compliments. Covert bullying was the shaking of your hand with one hand and hiding the knife behind their back with the other. It was the tiny nibbles and little violations of my boundaries that would arouse my anger and provoke me to tell them to piss off, or to mind their own damned business.

I was very ugly to people when they’d pull this crap, and I reacted very harshly. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what the covert bullies were looking for- a reaction.

The overt bullies, however, were looking for submission and compliance, and if they didn’t get it, God help the person they wanted it from. And the covert bullies always became more and more overt as time went on. Until they too eventually became just as crazy.

Many of them were so unpredictable. They were like Jekyll and Hide, or like ticking time-bombs. The bullying I suffered was shocking and surreal.

It was as if they were all using black magic- like they had dark powers and they would unleash a legion of demons from the pits of hell. They could magically morph into whatever character they wished, it depended on the audience present at the time.

Understand that those metaphors are just a few examples of how all targets describe their tormentors and if they use those metaphors, listen to them because they’re not lying, nor are they “making it up.” You can’t make this stuff up.

And if you’re a target of this kind of evil, you should always stand up to the mini-micro violations because, if you don’t, the violations will only grow bigger until they become out of control. Never accept even the tiniest of offenses from a bully because if you give an inch, they will take ten miles.

If it’s overt, find a way to remove yourself from the situation for your personal safety.

Remember that you teach people how to treat you and you do it by what you’ll put up with. Always put yourself first and stand up for your rights. You’ll thank yourself for it later. I’m living proof of it.

Thank goodness I don’t get that behavior from anyone anymore because I know how to keep my cool and tell someone in a politer way to get lost any time they stick as much as a toe over my boundary line. And know that you won’t be a target forever either if you continue to stand firm and refuse to accept bad treatment.

Again, if you’re listening to someone who describes the bullying they’ve suffered and refers to their bullies as either of the above metaphors or even as dictators or tyrants, listen to them and more importantly,  believe them! They’re telling the truth and they know what they’re talking about!

With knowledge comes empowerment!