Reasons You Should Never Be Afraid of Conflict

Let’s face it. Conflict is a part of life and something we all encounter at many points in our lives. Many targets and survivors of bullying are deathly afraid of conflict. Why? Because they’ve had so much of it forced on them in the past by bullies who just refused to let them be. Also, many targets and survivors are traumatized by the bullying they presently suffer or from past bullying.

Understand that these poor souls haven’t yet dealt with the hurts they still have, and they don’t yet know their worth and the good they deserve. Many targets and survivors of bullying suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this, they’re still stuck in survival mode.

As a result, target’s cave in and give in to bullies to appease them just so they’ll shut the hell up and go away. And people do get tired of hearing self-entitled and self-indulgent bullies bitch, rant, and beat their chests when they don’t get their way.

So, the unspoken message is, “Look! Just take what you want and get lost!”

I can understand why targets and survivors end up being this way. It’s because a person gets exhausted when they’re constantly have to battle and struggle to take back their autonomy, their self-determination, their personal power, their safety, their dignity, and their right to exist. They get worn down, they get weary, and all they want is for people to leave them alone and let them have some peace.

However, this can become a problem. If you go out of your way to avoid conflict, people will soon mistake you for being weak and they’ll walk all over you. You must set boundaries. There are times when you must say no. There are even times when you may have to show your ugly side to get your point across and let people know that no means no and enough is enough.

Understand that this requires guts. It means you must step out of your comfort zone and take risks. You must risk hurting others’ feelings and making people angry. You must risk being lashed out at and retaliated against. Moreover, you must also risk losing relationships and no, none of it feels good.

In short, you must stand up for yourself and that means facing conflict.

Think of it this way, if you’re a target of bullying, you’re going to face conflict no matter what because people will bring the conflict to you. Hiding from it does no good because it will eventually find you. When you are a target of bullying, conflict is unavoidable and certain.

In other words, run from conflict and you’ll end up running from it for the rest of your life!

So, why not face it head on, better yet embrace it and stand up to people, then you can feel better about yourself later knowing that you finally grew a spine and told them where to shove it. You may face retaliation for it, but you would face it anyway because, right or wrong, bullies will always find some justification for attacking you.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Problem with Looking Outside of Yourself for Your Value

Bullying is hurtful no matter how confident you are, that much is true. We’re all human and we all have feelings and emotions. However, the effects of it are even more damaging when we’re insecure and only look outside of ourselves for our value, in fact, the damage to the self-esteem is exponentially higher.

The problem is that when you look outside of yourself for your value, you automatically look to others to give it to you. And when you do this, you put yourself at their mercy.

Therefore, I have repeatedly emphasized over six years of blogging that knowing your worth is your foundation and that it’s never good to look outside of ourselves for it. Understand that your value, or worth, whatever term you prefer, comes from within and never from without.

Here’s why it’s better to let your value come from the inside:’

1. You can never control the environment around you. Many times, we will find ourselves in toxic environments full of poisonous people, whether it be the school we attend, the company we work for, or the home or neighborhood we live in. When you know yourself and, in that, know your value and let it come from the inside, any bullying or abuse you’re likely to get from others won’t have such an impact on you.

It will hurt, yes. But it won’t be nearly as devastating and cause you to suppress as much of yourself because, deep down, you’ll know who you are and that the people around you are only saying the things they say to diminish you.

Also, when the crap gets too thick, you’ll know when it’s time to bail out of the environment. In knowing yourself and knowing your worth, you’ll realize that you don’t deserve this kind of treatment and that you’re better off leaving this cesspit and moving on to greener pastures.

And you’ll do it without feeling guilty- you’ll do it knowing that it isn’t because you’re “chicken” or “running away from your problems” but because you deserve better. You’ll know what’s best for you, and that it’s because you’re looking out for the best interests of your health.

2. You can never control others’ behavior and how they think of you. And because of this, it’s never good to rely on the approval of others for your value. Understand that there will always be people who don’t like you and some who even hate you and when you depend solely on the approval of others, you make yourself a doormat. Please, for your own sake and the sake of your mental health, don’t give another person that kind of power!

When your value comes from within, you will have respect for yourself, you will love yourself and you will have great self-esteem. You will give yourself compassion and care when others take pot shots at you. You will have the confidence and courage to protect yourself and stand up to abuse. You will know without a shadow of a doubt that the idiots around you are the ones who have the issues and not you.

Your value should always from you. Never from another. You get your value from knowing who you are and knowing that you were put on this earth for a good reason. Realize that everyone serves a good and higher purpose here. You may or may not know what that purpose is, but you are here for a purpose. Find that purpose and fulfill it. And know your value!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

7 Steps to Having Confidence When Others Bully You

There are things you can do to take the sting out of being bullied. These steps can serve as a buffer to the effects of bullying on self-esteem and the psyche.

1. Watch and Listen– Because bullies get talked about too. Believe me when I tell you. Bullies have enemies and lots of them. And why not?

They’ve been walking over people for a long time. So, you can bet they’ve left a long trail of foes behind them, adversaries who are more than happy to dish out the tea.

2. Know that you aren’t the only one these people have bullied– seasoned bullies have had plenty of practice over the years. I guarantee it! There have been others before you, and there will be more after you. Why do you think these people are so good at making you feel bad about yourself and doubt your worth? How do you think they got that good at it? They certainly didn’t get that way overnight. It came from so many years of trial and error, and they figured out what worked and what didn’t. And they had to have had guinea pigs (previous victims/targets) as practice. They’re doing what for so long has worked for them.

3. Collect info on your bullies– find out about their personal and family lives. You can bet that bullies have problems too. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be going out of their way to prove something to an audience at your expense. As I stated earlier, they have enemies. Find these enemies, cozy up to them, and have them tell you what they know about your bullies. I have done it many times, and I can tell you that you’d be surprised at the tidbits you found out! I’ll give you more details on the next step.

4. Ingratiate yourself with others your bullies have bullied– You and these people have something in common, so this should be a cinch! Align yourself with these other victims. Bullies run in packs, so why can’t targets? Understand that strength always comes in numbers. If you ban together, I guarantee that your bullies will think twice before accosting you. Remember that bullies are cowards and would prefer to catch you when you’re alone rather than confront you while you’re in a group.

I love being me – positive affirmation – handwriting on napkin with a cup of coffee

5. Keep company only with people who love you, want the best for you, and make you feel good about yourself– A good sign of a true friend is someone who uplifts you and helps your confidence soar. They uplift you, encourage you, have your back when you’re in trouble, and cheer for you when you reach success. All too often, victims end up with fake friends- frenemies who only tolerate and are passive-aggressive toward them. These frenemies will subtly humiliate victims in public and throw them under the bus when they’re in trouble or danger.

Victims often latch on to frenemies because they’re desperate for friends and companionship. They’d rather have sorry excuses for friends who treat them poorly than to have no friends at all. These victims are under the false belief that anything is better than being by yourself. I made that mistake myself when I suffered bullying in school.

Trust me when I tell you, anyone who belittles you even a little bit is not your friend! They’re only there because they know that you’re lonely. You are vulnerable to them, and they only hang around because anytime you have a weak spot, you’re accessible for them to use and take advantage of you. That is the only reason they come around!

Do you want friends like that? I hope not! I hope that you will do what I finally did the last year of school, ditch those creeps, and find friends who respect you, who genuinely like you and want to be with you!

6. Show off your talents and gifts– If you can sign, enter talent shows! If you can write, enter writing contests! If you know you’re good at something, find ways to show it off! You’d be surprised at what it will do for your self-esteem. I promise you!

When my classmates bullied me, it was so bad that I was scared to show what I could do. I knew that I could sing but was too afraid to belt it out and show off my best voice. If there were do-overs, I would have sung as best I could, came out of my shell, and took every opportunity to showcase that talent! Who knows where it might have taken me?

Anytime people are bullying you, you must take care of yourself. We exercise and eat well to take good care of our bodies, but we forget. We must also take care of our psyches! It is imperative that we also take care of our minds. And we do this by taking steps to buffer our self-esteem from the onslaught of bullying.

7. Do things you enjoy doing, and that fills your soul– whether you love to swim, hike, camp, find opportunities to do these things if they truly make you happy! The more happy moments you have, the less of an effect bullying will have on you!

Doing these things will help to buffer your self-esteem against your bullies attacks. In other words, it will lesson the pain of the attacks because you’ll know you have friends, allies, talents, and positive moments in life- solid proof that counters anything the bullies try to tell you. And you’ll feel much better about yourself.

It will also help correct the imbalance between adversity and success. Many targets of bullying often have a ton of social failures and only a tiny few successes. If you do all these things, you’ll soon achieve a healthy balance between the two.

The Gruesome Twosome: 2 More Types of People You Should Avoid

After writing and posting, “The Dirty Dozen: 12 Types of people You Should Avoid,” it dawned on me that there were two more types of people that we all should avoid, and they are as follows:

1.The person who makes you second choice. If you have a so-called friend who only wants to talk to or spend time with you when their first option isn’t available, it’s time to walk away. Don’t be second fiddle. Don’t be somebody’s option B, C, or D.

I’ve been on both sides of this fence. I played second fiddle many times when I was young, and I caused others to do it too because I wasn’t very mindful of other people’s feelings at times. I was wrong for it. Get rid of the people who make you second choice. At the same time, don’t take the people who value you for granted because it hurts, and they deserve better from you.

 

2. The person who only comes around when they want something. Realize that this person doesn’t really love you for you, but only sees you as a convenience. They only love you for what they can get from you. These are the kinds of people who only show up when they’re in a jam and they need money, advice, or help with something.

You’re not a bank, you’re not Dear Abby, and you’re not a go-to person when someone needs help with something. You’re much, much more than that. Sure. It’s great to want to help your family, friends, and your fellow man. Nothing wrong with that. But if they only take advantage of you, it’s time to cut them off and cut them loose!

Remember. You create your own value by how you allow others to treat you. Always value yourself and never settle for people who don’t see your worth but only see the convenience you provide. It’s not your job to make other people’s lives easier for them and it’s not your responsibility to make them feel better about themselves. Know your worth. Take back your self-respect and your power.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Psst! I’ve Got a Secret! ‘Wanna Know What It Is?

dreamstime_m_29821250

Here it is:

Charles Manson Had Many, Many Followers. Jesus Only Had Twelve. If You Are Bullied, This is for You.

If you are a victim of bullying, you probably have very few friends, if any. It’s not your fault. It really isn’t. Truth be known, you’ve more than likely been bullied by your peers for a long time now and your lack of true friends has compelled you to question your own value.

You wonder what your are doing wrong and may even wonder if you’re a good person. Your family and those who truly care about you may assure you that you are indeed a great person, yet you may be thinking, “If I’m so great, why is it that people at school or at work treat me so badly?”

Believe me, I understand, having been through the same situation and had those very thoughts once upon a time.

However, a lack of friends does not mean you’re a bad person nor does it mean you’re doing anything wrong. You are NOT weak, stupid, ugly, crazy, trash or whatever your bullies may call you. No!

In fact, you just may be doing something right! And because you’re doing the right things, you stand out for it.

Think about it this way: Charles Manson, leader of the infamous Manson Family whom were responsible for several gruesome murders back in the late sixties, had many followers. He was responsible for the murders of high-profile celebrities Sharon Tate and Abigail Folger. It’s believed that he was responsible for the murders of over a hundred people.

But Jesus Christ, on the other hand, had only twelve. He never murdered anyone. In fact, He was sinless.

positive

Also, several big-name celebrities, such as Taylor Swift, Tamar Braxton, Lady Gaga, Prince, Tom Cruise, and Patrick Swayze also got bullied either in a past job, in school or sometime in their pasts and they were very talented and exceptional people. Some of them still get bullied today via hate mail or hate messages online.

Case in point: People who are great, uber talented, exceptional always stand out from the rest. And those who stand out will be targeted by bullies. Do you understand now? Great! I knew that you would!

Rest assured that despite the vile treatment that you may be getting from others, you are awesome and you still matter! Keep standing strong and never let bullies define who you are!

Don’t Explain Yourself to The Wrong People

I’ve known people who felt like they had to explain themselves to everyone and, back in the day, I was bad about doing the same thing. But here’s what I’ve learned.

You shouldn’t explain yourself to people who mean very little to you, and that includes bullies and haters. It’s amazing how we waste so much of our time and energy caring about what others think of us- people whose opinions of us have absolutely no bearing on us or our lives!

I want you to understand that there will always be people who judge you negatively without knowing you. It’s a part of life. And those who say the most about you are usually the ones who know the least about you. So, why do you place so much value on their opinions?

Now, I could understand if the person means a lot to you. Longing to be accepted is human nature and we’re all hardwired to desire human connection. And naturally, it’s good to value opinions of our families, friends, and those who love us and want best for us because their opinions of us are credible and we value their opinions.

However, a bully or hater’s opinion isn’t credible, has no value and shouldn’t matter at all. Because these people add nothing to our lives, they only take away!

So, again, are people who are of no benefit to us whatsoever even worth the energy expenditure? Should what they think of us even matter? And do their meaningless opinions have any bearing on our lives? Are they a superior at work or school and do they have the power to determine what happens to us?

Crazy young man in white shirt standing and screaming at woman in pink dress. woman dont care and looking at camera with toothy smile. indoor studio shot, isolated on light brown background.

If not, I’d chalk their opinions and talk up as just a bunch of noise that needs to be muted because they aren’t worthy of any explanations or apologies.

You Should Never Be Afraid of Conflict

Let’s face it. Conflict is a part of life and something we all encounter at many points in our lives. Many targets and survivors of bullying are deathly afraid of conflict. Why? Because they’ve had so much of it forced on them in the past by bullies who just refused to let them be. Also, many targets and survivors are traumatized by the bullying they presently suffer or from past bullying.

Understand that these poor souls haven’t yet dealt with the hurts they still have, and they don’t yet know their worth and the good they deserve. Many targets and survivors of bullying suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this, they’re still stuck in survival mode.

As a result, target’s cave in and give in to bullies to appease them just so they’ll shut the hell up and go away. And people do get tired of hearing self-entitled and self-indulgent bullies bitch, rant, and beat their chests when they don’t get their way.

So, the unspoken message is, “Look! Just take what you want and get lost!”

I can understand why targets and survivors end up being this way. It’s because a person gets exhausted when they’re constantly have to battle and struggle to take back their autonomy, their self-determination, their personal power, their safety, their dignity, and their right to exist. They get worn down, they get weary, and all they want is for people to leave them alone and let them have some peace.

However, this can become a problem. If you go out of your way to avoid conflict, people will soon mistake you for being weak and they’ll walk all over you. You must set boundaries. There are times when you must say no. There are even times when you may have to show your ugly side to get your point across and let people know that no means no and enough is enough.

Understand that this requires guts. It means you must step out of your comfort zone and take risks. You must risk hurting others’ feelings and making people angry. You must risk being lashed out at and retaliated against. Moreover, you must also risk losing relationships and no, none of it feels good.

In short, you must stand up for yourself and that means facing conflict.

Think of it this way, if you’re a target of bullying, you’re going to face conflict no matter what because people will bring the conflict to you. Hiding from it does no good because it will eventually find you. When you are a target of bullying, conflict is unavoidable and certain.

In other words, run from conflict and you’ll end up running from it for the rest of your life!

So, why not face it head on, better yet embrace it and stand up to people, then you can feel better about yourself later knowing that you finally grew a spine and told them where to shove it. You may face retaliation for it, but you would face it anyway because, right or wrong, bullies will always find some justification for attacking you.

What Both My Very Wise Grandmothers Once Told Me About Knowing Your Worth- And I Never Forgot It!

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.”

~ Unknown ~

I just finished a romance novel about forbidden love. It took me back to a conversation with both my grandmothers when I was a teenager and before I even started dating. I was only fourteen, yet I was old enough to understand every word they told me.

Having both grown up during the Great Depression and been daughters of farmers, my grandmothers only had fifth-grade and seventh-grade educations, yet they were geniuses in common sense and street smarts!

As they sat together, sipping coffee and having just finished a card game, my maternal grandmother told me the story of how my grandfather cheated on her many times but only dropped the other woman in the end. She also told me how she ended up divorcing him. After she told me the story, these were her words:

“Never, ever have an affair with a married man because you only settle for second place when you do, sweetheart. You decrease your value as a woman when you go with another woman’s husband- you cheapen yourself. Wouldn’t you rather find your own husband and be his one and only?”

Naturally, my answer to that question was an emphatic “YES!”

She continued:

“When a woman dates a married man, she decreases her worth as a woman- and she does it immensely. She is reduced to the lowest common denominator. She lives on the fantasy and false promise that the man will leave his wife for her. In most cases, he doesn’t. She only waits, with bated breath, wasting her valuable time on someone who doesn’t deserve her love let alone his wife’s. Philanderers don’t change. And if he does leave his wife and marries the mistress, he’ll only eventually cheat on her too. When you have an affair with a married man, you sell yourself short. You set yourself up for a huge letdown later. You deserve to have someone who isn’t already committed and who you can call your own.”

“That’s right.” My paternal grandmother agreed. Then she began to speak.

“And never ever throw herself at a man, or worse- crawl up behind someone who doesn’t want you. I see a lot of young girls in your age group doing this and the only thing it does is make them look desperate. And the guys they chase only get an ego rush from it, them sit back with the buddies and laugh at the girl behind her back. Now, I know you haven’t begun dating yet, but I want to let you know now, so that you’ll avoid these pitfalls when you do begin to date.”

As my paternal grandmother, a widow, spoke her words, I listened attentively and my maternal grandmother nodded in agreement as she looked at me with those beautiful, wide, but serious eyes.

Now before I go on, I realize that times have changed since I was a young girl and that I may offend a few “woke”people out there who may accuse me of using stereotypical gender roles and such. However, this is the conversation we had. So, for those of you who are thinking about sending me a flamer about how “politically incorrect” this post sounds and that I should be more “gender neutral,” do not!

Don’t waste both your time and mine by trying to “school” me on the unwritten rules of identity politics because I’m not interested! This post isn’t about identity politics.

What it is about is a conversation between me and my grandmothers thirty-five years ago, and how it positively impacted me. It’s also about knowing your worth as a person and the importance of self-value, which, sadly, is in short supply in people these days.

Getting back to the subject, my grandmothers sure knew what they were talking about. They were two of the smartest and socially savviest women I knew. God rest their souls, I considered them life-geniuses! They were both masters at human nature and the hidden motivations and intentions of people!

Our little talk really made an impression on me that day.

I never forgot that conversation and continued to live by it.

The small town I lived in back then was a very Peyton place. I can’t count the stories I’ve heard of the many local people who dabbled in such relationships. No wonder the vast majority of the people in Oakley, TN were such miserable and bitter souls.

My point to the above story is that no matter what relationship you choose, heterosexual, homosexual, or otherwise, you should always know your worth. You should value yourself enough not to even begin a relationship with someone who’s already taken. Know that there are always better options.

I say this not to judge anyone, but to convince them to see that they’re worth so much more than they think- more than being a side-partner to some creepy toad who doesn’t value women, (or some shameless strumpet who takes men for granted).

The same goes for men who have affairs with married women or settle for fem-toads who either don’t value them or who cheat on them. You must start treating yourselves better!

When you date someone who’s already in a marriage or committed relationship, you set yourself up to play second fiddle. To be okay with lapping up someone else’s sloppy seconds? Yuck! Why would you settle for that pathetic crap?

Here’s something else I’ll bet you haven’t thought of. If you have an affair with someone else’s romantic partner, you might as well be wearing their underwear! Egads!

If you don’t learn to value and be true to yourself, how do you expect a potential partner to value and be true to you?

You value yourself by getting absolutely clear on what you will not settle for and what you won’t tolerate. You value yourself by avoiding such partners who are known for cheating on their significant others. You also value yourself by avoiding any toxic person, commanding respect, and being selective of friends and even choosier of dating and romantic partners.

Know that you deserve so much more. You deserve to be one and only in someone’s life and that should be non-negotiable. Anything less than that is unacceptable!

Loving Yourself Means Loving EVERYTHING That is You

It means loving every single part of yourself that you can do nothing about. What it doesn’t mean is loving some things about yourself and either hating or being ashamed of other parts. It means loving yourself completely- your entire self and all that you are- loving your whole being.

Whether you’re rich, poor, or middle-class, embrace it. It’s a part of who you are. Whether you’re Black, White, Hispanic, Jewish, or any other race, never be ashamed of it! Embrace it and love it because it too is a part of you.

Whether you have brown eyes, blue eyes or green; dark, red, or blonde hair; dark or light skin- love those things. Those are also a part of you.

Love your nationality, your country, your state, community, and neighborhood because they too make up the person that is you. Whether you are American or Japanese, British, or Indian, love and take pride in those things about you. Whether you’re from Texas, New York, or Nova Scotia, love those things too. Take pride in and love yourself, no matter your heritage!

Also, accept your past and be okay with it. If you grew up poor and made it out, don’t be ashamed. Be proud of it because it’s a testament to how far you’ve come. If you grew up in an abusive household, own that too because it’s proof that you survived and overcame. The same goes if you were once a drug-addict or alcoholic but now sober. Be not ashamed of those things, for those are things you’ve triumphed over. Even if you have a past of crime and imprisonment and have turned your life around, see it as evidence of how far you’ve come and use it to teach others.

Love yourself no matter your weight, height, or whether you have freckles, glasses, or braces- they too are the building blocks of you. If you’d like to change them and can change them, by all means, change them.

Lose weight if you like, get contacts if you don’t like the glasses, and look forward to beautiful teeth once those braces come off. That’s perfectly okay. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to become what you feel would be a better version of yourself.

But love the things you can’t change about yourself. Embrace yourself. Even better, celebrate yourself. Know that each of us is perfectly made, flaws and all!

Know that how you look, your past, your weight, height; eye, hair, and skin color; race, nationality, creed, upbringing, orientation, religion, values- each are the building blocks that make up the whole you. The only thing you should judge yourself on is your character.

So, if you know in your heart that you are a good person and have love to offer others, love yourself too. And do it for all that you are.

Remember that when it all comes down, no person is better than another. See yourself as neither superior nor inferior, but just as good as the next person. You are you and you love it!

Accept yourself

Love yourself

Believe in yourself

Take care of yourself

Know your value and your worth

Know that you are worthy of the best life has to offer!