Tag: verbal abuse
3 Signs that Verbal Abuse will Turn Physical
There are three signs that verbal abuse will turn physical. Moreover, you would be surprised at how quickly and easily a bully (or any abuser for that matter) can change from letting their mouths do the talking, to letting their fists and feet speak for them.
here’s a scenario you’ll probably recognize
Bullies have been verbally abusing you for quite some time. You remember how they began with subtle digs and zingers. Next, you noticed that they progressed to openly screaming at you, cursing you out like a dog. Now, they are making threats of violence against you. You’ve begun to feel afraid because you’re not sure when the bullying will become physical and what they’ll do to you when it does.
Understand that your bullies are still pushing your boundaries. Little by little, they up the ante to test you and figure out how you’ll react and see what you’ll let them get away with. So, they always start small. And they ever so gradually turn it up in teeny tiny increments.
So, how do you know when the bullying you suffer is about to become physical? Here’s how:
1. they invade your personal space
When bullies invade your space, it’s a surefire sign that things are about to get physical. They get a little too close. They’ll follow to close behind you as you’re walking down the hallway or street. They’ll stand too close to you in the lunch line or while you’re punching the time clock. They may even step in front of you and block you from going any further.
Therefore, to prevent a possible physical attack, the time to act is now! You must tell them in no uncertain terms to back off. And if they don’t, it’s time to strike first. Yes! You heard me correctly. I’m not beyond hauling off and punching someone in the nose if they get in my face and refuse to back up off me.
However, be aware that you may be in a place that isn’t suitable for punching a bully, like on the job or in class. In lieu of fighting, I recommend that you look the bully dead in the eye with the hardest glare you can muster. Then tell them in a low, growling voice to knock it off. And keep glaring at them until they avert their eyes away. Make sure you’re standing absolutely still and facing them in a power pose. (More on power poses later) The goal here is to put the fear of God in the bully.
2. they lay claim to your things and your territory
Also, bullies may also sit at your desk, pick up your belongings, or lean on your car. Understand that in touching your belongings, bullies are laying claim to what is yours. This is the time to assert yourself firmly. Tell them to keep their slimy, grimy paws off your stuff!
Messing with your belongings or destroying them is also considered to be physical bullying.
However, be forewarned that most bullies will see this as a challenge and dare you to do something about it. In this case, don’t be afraid to throw up your dukes. It’s your stuff they’re messing with and they’re doing it to see how far they can push you!
But, just as I mentioned earlier, if you use fisticuffs, make sure the time, place, and conditions are as close to right as possible. If not, do what I suggested at the end of the last section.
3. they will begin assaulting you and making it look like an accident
Bullies will begin their physical assaults through“accidental” shoves, pushes, and bumps. They may do things accidentally on purpose– “accidentally” running or bumping into you in the hallway or parking lot, “accidentally” tripping you or knocking you down, or “accidentally” knocking things out of your hands. They will say, “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to (trip, shove, run into you, etc.). And they’ll say it knowing damn well they did it deliberately. Also, you’ll know it too.
Moreover, they do it, thinking that maybe, just maybe, you won’t notice it’s escalating. After all, accidents happen all the time. No harm, no foul. Right?
The problem is that if bullies get away with these types of games, they’ll only escalate it until it gets out of control. And once bullying gets out of control, it’s almost impossible to stop or even slow it down. Again, it’s time to throw up those dukes! Remember not to doubt yourself and what you know and feel. And you always know when something is done on purpose. You can sense these kinds of things.
Like any other form of abuse, Bullying will only get worse if you don’t act.
Understand that bullying, or any form of abuse, always- always gets worse if you let it slide. Because it’s a dark part of human nature to push, push, and push further to see how far one can go.
Again, tune into your body and intuition because they will tell you whether what the person did to you was deliberate or an accident. If your senses tell you they did it on purpose, call it out and tell them to stop it right when it happens. If that doesn’t work and the bully keeps it up, it might be time to throw down. But, whatever you do, put a stop to it because it’ll only get worse if you don’t.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Things for Targets of Bullying to Consider
The thoughts and opinions of bullies are worthless to you, or they should be. This may sound strange to many targets, especially those whom bullies have brainwashed for so long. And that’s a terrible thing. Therefore, if you’re a target who has been conditioned, I’d like for you to ask yourself these questions:
Has it benefited me in any way to measure my value as a person by the opinions of bullies?
Would my bullies be able to hold up as well as I do if they themselves had to endure bullying?
Even on the off-chance that they could, does that give them license to judge me, a person who is enduring something that would break many others?
If we all worried about the opinions of our bullies and haters, the world wouldn’t have even a tenth of it’s population. Moreover, we wouldn’t have doctors, lawyers, writers, comedians, singers, actors, and other such great people.
They all would have collapsed under the crushing weight of anticipated judgements and personal attacks. Therefore, they never would have reached the heights of success that they have.
It’s Not What They Call You, It’s What You Answer to.
The truth is that your favorite rock star receives hate and vitriolic comments over a few lyrics in one of his songs. Even back in the pre-internet days, famous actors and musicians got bags of hate mail along with the fan mail.
Many targets of bullying have an intense fear of being judged and it’s exactly what holds them back in life. Why? Because it can cause you to hold back your feelings. Furthermore, you will allow this fear to stifle your talents and creativity.
Realize that a bully’s judgement is only a reflection of their own fears and insecurities.
This is why you must never allow bullies or anyone else to make you believe that how they feel about you is more important than how you feel about yourself. Never take your bullies’ word over your own. Never allow their opinions to trump yours.
And once you realize how cheap your bullies’ thoughts and opinions of you really are, they will have less effect on you.
With knowledge comes empowerment.
Self-Love Irrespective of What Others Think
No lie. This can be hard to do, especially if the people around you hate you and are bullying you. Loving yourself in the midst of bullying and in a room full of people who think horribly of you takes a mountain of hard work when all you hear from others is:
“You aren’t worth a damn!”
“You suck!”
“You’re a drain on society!”
“You’ll never amount to a hill of beans!”
I understand. If you hear that long enough and from enough people, it can break your spirit if you let it. And how you refuse to let it get to you is to see it for what it is- noise pollution!
Here are a few more ways you can refuse to let their abuse get to you.
Give yourself permission to be yourself.
Know that’s it’s okay for you to be you.
Train your inner voice, through practice, to love you unconditionally.
Know that it’s okay to have needs, wants, and desires.
Deny the urge to compare yourself to others.
Understand that it’s okay to walk away from drama, and that it’s not out of fear that you do so, it’s out of smarts and self-care.
Allow yourself to make mistakes and to learn from them.
Realize that it’s okay to leave if you’re in an environment where you aren’t valued.
And lastly, know that it’s okay if people get angry with you.
Realize that if you don’t love yourself no matter your circumstances, it can have negative consequences later. Therefore, it’s so important that you do!
Although you can never control how others view you. And you can’t control what others say to you and how they act toward you. We must realize that another person’s behavior is beyond our control. However, what you can control is how you behave. In other words, you can control how you respond to the behavior of bullies and other idiots who try to steal your joy.
Loving yourself in the face of bullying is revolutionary!
Therefore, you must do what you can to drown out this noise pollution. And how you do it is to see your bullies for the creeps they truly are, think good thoughts of yourself, and remind yourself of your good qualities. Believe it or not, working to think highly of yourself when nobody else does is the greatest act of rebellion against bullies!
Again, see it for what it is. The judgements and verbal abuse you consistently hear from the cowardly creeps around you, is nothing but a bunch of racket. In other words, it’s noise pollution!
When you work to like yourself when others don’t, you refuse to let bullies get into your head. In that, you train your brain to filter out other’s negative comments and remarks that serve no purpose but to damage your self-esteem. Also, you silence that inner critic that would otherwise nag you night and day.
Moreover, when you love and accept yourself, others outside the bullying environment and strangers who have no history with you will be inclined to also love and accept you. No, your bullies and abusers won’t like or love you even if you love yourself, but who cares about them?
So, love yourself despite what others think of you. You will be surprised at how it will protect your self-esteem. When you work to feel good about yourself, even while bullies are tearing you down, it will work as a buffer to the psychological attacks they launch.
You may come out of it bruised but not broken.
With knowledge comes power!
“You Can’t…”
Bullies say you’ll never prevail
They repeat that you’ll always fail
“You can’t do this, and you can’t have that”
Be careful or their words will lay you flat
They say, “Try as you might but it’s no use”
That no matter what you do, you’ll forever lose
That winning is something you’ll never do
That success is for anyone who isn’t you
Turn toward them and their words a deaf ear
Replace their words with words of cheer
Then you’ll surpass them by leaps and bounds
And drown out the yelps of those mangy hounds
You’ll leave them behind to drown in distress
As you climb and reach the pinnacle of success
10 Signs of Crazymaking and Why Bullies Do It
crazymaking – a form of psychological attack on someone by offering contradictory alternatives, then criticizing the person for choosing either. (Dictionary.com)
When a bully uses the crazymaking tactic to attack the target, he/she puts the person in a lose-lose situation. It’s a case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
For example, a bully may tell a woman she wears too much makeup, looks like a slut, and needs to tone it down a bit. So, the woman goes lighter on the makeup the next day, only to be told by the bully that she’s too barefaced and looks like a nun.
No wonder it’s called “crazymaking” because it can make you crazy if you let it. Understand the bullies do this to jerk you around and maintain their power over you. They have you jumping through hoops to win their approval because they have you feeling that you can’t do anything right.
Understand that crazymaking is covert verbal abuse. To protect yourself from it, you must first learn to recognize it when it happens to you.
A surefire way of identifying crazymaking is by noticing how it makes you feel. Crazymaking can:
- Make you feel off-kilter and unsure of how to defend yourself
- Make you feel lost and confused
- Make you feel blindsided
- Make you feel discombobulated or disoriented
- Give you mixed signals and messages but make you too afraid to ask for clarification
- Make you feel extreme discomfort around the bully
- Make you feel jerked around and toyed with
- Make you want to walk away from the bully but only leave you frozen
- Make you feel bewilderment
- Make you feel that something is “off”
Make no mistake. This is how your bullies get their kicks. They enjoy this because, again, it gives them a huge rush of power and makes them feel superior to have some sucker bending over backward to win their approval. Understand that this is a game! And your efforts to conform to a bully’s standards are pointless because bullies will only continue changing the rules and moving the goalposts. After all, bullies are notorious megalomaniacs who quickly get drunk on their power.
So, you must know your worth. That means knowing that you don’t have to live up to anyone’s standards but yours. You are the only person who knows your likes and dislikes. You are the only person who has the authority to choose what you want, how you want it, what you do, how you do it, and so forth.
Who are they to criticize you? Your life is your life, and you have the right to live it on your terms. Do what makes you happy, and to hell with anyone who has a problem with it.
The only way you’ll be able to battle crazymaking successfully is to have confidence and a strong sense of self. You must know yourself and be secure in yourself. Only then will you have no tolerance for this type of behavior, and therefore, crazymaking bullies have no power over you.
An Explanation of Verbal Bullying and How to Stand Up to It
When bullies carry out a barrage of verbal attacks against a target, they attack the person’s character, mental stability, and abilities. Therefore, if the target doesn’t maintain his/her sense of self and confidence, the bullies will eventually brainwash them and crush their spirit.
Verbal bullying can be done openly through bursts of rage, overt personal attacks, name-calling, and physical violence threats. Open verbal bullying aims to strike fear in the target.
It also seeks to let the target know in no uncertain terms that the bully is controlling them and that they’d better acquiesce or the bully will hurt them. It also dares the target to protest against it or defend themselves. In open bullying, bullies instill terror in bystanders as well by making an example of the target.
Examples of open verbal bullying include but aren’t limited to:
“You’re such a moron!”
“I’ll kick your butt if you say anything back to me!”
“You’re completely hopeless! Can’t you do anything right?”
It can also be subtle through tiny digs, zingers, offhand comments, and backhanded compliments. Subtle bullying aims to control and dominate its target without them realizing it.
In being subtle, bullies may act like they’re sincerely and genuinely concerned for the target.
Examples of subtle verbal bullying include:
“I’m concerned about you. You need help because you’re always so defensive every time we tell you what you’re doing wrong.”
“We’re telling you to help you.”
There’s a difference between constructive and destructive criticism, and bullies only give you the latter.
This type of verbal aggression aims to manipulate the target. Again, in most cases, the person doesn’t realize the bullies are using them. However, they will notice that they’re not as happy as before and don’t feel as good about themselves as they did once. The target will also sense that something is off.
Bullies use words to discourage, disrespect, and devalue the target, and they do it to diminish the target’s confidence and self-esteem. Targets may consciously or unconsciously try and change their behavior and personality to avoid agitating the bullies and protect themselves from any future bullying. But in doing this, targets only allow bullies to brainwash them into suppressing their authenticity, good natures, talents, and gifts.
Understand that you’ll never know people are bullying based on what outsiders see and tell you. When the bullying is subtle, it’s vague and almost unnoticeable not only by you but especially to others. Over time, the target becomes conditioned to take the abuse.
This kind of bullying can be unpredictable. The target may think he’s doing quite well until suddenly and out of the blue, bullies blindside him with another barrage of insults. The sudden onslaught only renders the target shocked, stunned, and thrown off-kilter by the bullies’ sarcasm, angry jab, put down, or ridicule.
It won’t matter how intelligent and socially aware you are; you’ll never expect the next attack, and you’ll never know why they attacked you nor how to keep them from attacking you.
Verbal bullies will send conflicting messages to confuse you:
They’ll say there’s nothing wrong, but their body language and the vibes they put out will tell you otherwise. Bullies may say that they don’t care what the target says, does, or thinks, yet they continuously watch her, eavesdropping on her conversations and invading her privacy.
What’s terrible about verbal bullying is that it always escalates. In the early stages of bullying, bullies disguise their insults and ridicule as jokes and fake concern. Over time, they turn it up and dish out their verbal abuse more openly. They do this deliberately to soften the target up for worse abuse later.
Even worse, verbal abuse usually escalates to physical assaults and beatings.
That’s why it’s so important to know when someone is verbally abusing you and put a stop to it as early as possible!
If you’re not sure people are verbally bullying you, listen to what your body tells you. Pay attention to your senses and intuition. If something said to you doesn’t feel right, call it out! I can’t express enough how important this is. Counter with something like,
“I know what you’re trying to do, and I don’t like it! So, I’d suggest that you back off right now!”
“Stop being foolish!”
“I don’t want to hear that garbage!”
Or you can scoff or roll your eyes and tell them to shut up. Then walk away like you don’t have time to listen to their boring nonsense. It’s a fact that mocking and derision work wonders against bullying.
If you do this in the early stages, the chances are that you’ll stop them dead in their tracks, and they go away and find another target.
With knowledge comes empowerment.
When Bullies Discount The Target’s Pain and Suffering: The Subtext of It
Bullies are notorious for abusing their targets, then turning around and discounting their normal, understandable, and justifiable sadness, fear, anger, and depression that result as a direct cause.
But understand the subtext of your bullies’ actions and discounting of your pain-
“Your feelings mean nothing.”
“Your pain and suffering aren’t real and don’t matter.”
“You’re not allowed to be sad, angry, scared, or depressed when we abuse you.”
When bullies discount your pain and suffering, they may make statements such as:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re such a crybaby.”
“Can’t you take a joke?”
“You’re jumping to conclusions.”
“You’re blowing everything out of proportion.”
“You’re always on the defensive.”
“You’re taking stuff too seriously.”
“It’s only in your imagination.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re always trying to start something.”
“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
…and the list goes on
The target may wonder why it is that he’s always in the wrong when he doesn’t mean to be. Understand that this is victim-blaming. And the bullies must blame you to keep from having to take responsibility for their behavior.
If nothing else, remember this:
You always know when something doesn’t feel good. So never doubt what you feel. Never second guess what you feel in your gut. Always listen to that jab in the pit of your stomach because your body never lies.
Then respond accordingly.
What’s The Deal With Bullies and You-Statements?
Have you noticed how bullies always seem to make “you” statements? You this, and you that; “you always” this, and “you never” that. You, you, you! The thing is, these statements are so transparent and so telling. They speak volumes about the bullies and nothing about the target because they are hallmarks of the typical abuser- accusation, and blame.
Here are a few common you-statements bullies make.
“You lie all the time!”
“You always bitch and complain about everything!”
“You’re (stupid, ugly, crazy, a liar, a wuss, etc.)!”
“You can’t leave well enough alone!”
“You’re a chicken!”
“You couldn’t find your ass with both hands!”
“You’ll never amount to anything!”
“You just keep pushing it!”
“You’re always trying to start something!”
“You always blow everything out of proportion!”
“You bring it all on yourself!”
“You always have to screw everything up!”
And the list is endless.
Know that these you-statements are designed to tear you down and keep you there. They’re meant to strip you of your rights as a human being, your dignity, your autonomy, your joy, your pride, all of which is your personal power.
You must counter them, then turn them around on the bully. How to do this is by simply saying, “No I’m not, YOU are!” or “No I don’t! YOU do!” Then dismiss the bully and walk away.
The bully might argue back but the important thing is that you’ve made your point. And you walk away and leave the bully standing there running their mouth and looking desperate and stupid.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
What “Crazymaking” is And Why Bullies Do It
crazymaking – a form of psychological attack on someone by offering contradictory alternatives, then criticizing the person for choosing either. (Dictionary.com)
When a bully uses the crazymaking tactic to attack the target, he/she puts the person in a lose-lose situation. It’s a case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
For example, a bully may tell a woman she wears too much makeup, looks like a slut, and needs to tone it down a bit. So, the woman goes lighter on the makeup the next day, only to be told by the bully that she’s too barefaced and looks like a nun.
No wonder it’s called “crazymaking” because it can make you crazy if you let it. Understand the bullies do this to jerk you around and maintain their power over you. They have you jumping through hoops to win their approval because they have you feeling that you can’t do anything right.
Understand that crazymaking is covert verbal abuse. To protect yourself from it, you must first learn to recognize it when it happens to you.
A surefire way of identifying crazymaking is by noticing how it makes you feel. Crazymaking can:
- Make you feel off-kilter and unsure of how to defend yourself
- Make you feel lost and confused
- Make you feel blindsided
- Make you feel discombobulated or disoriented
- Give you mixed signals and messages but make you too afraid to ask for clarification
- Make you feel extreme discomfort around the bully
- Make you feel jerked around and toyed with
- Make you want to walk away from the bully but only leave you frozen
- Make you feel bewilderment
- Make you feel that something is “off”
Make no mistake. This is how your bullies get their kicks. They enjoy this because, again, it gives them a huge rush of power and makes them feel superior to have some sucker bending over backward to win their approval. Understand that this is a game! And your efforts to conform to a bully’s standards are pointless because bullies will only continue changing the rules and moving the goalposts. After all, bullies are notorious megalomaniacs who quickly get drunk on their power.
So, you must know your worth. That means knowing that you don’t have to live up to anyone’s standards but yours. You are the only person who knows your likes and dislikes. You are the only person who has the authority to choose what you want, how you want it, what you do, how you do it, and so forth.
Who are they to criticize you? Your life is your life, and you have the right to live it on your terms. Do what makes you happy, and to hell with anyone who has a problem with it.
The only way you’ll be able to battle crazymaking successfully is to have confidence and a strong sense of self. You must know yourself and be secure in yourself. Only then will you have no tolerance for this type of behavior, and therefore, crazymaking bullies have no power over you.
Mom-Shaming: When You’re a Parent Being Bullied by Other Parents
Today, another form of bullying exists but didn’t have a name until sometime within the last ten years. Mom-shaming, Dad-shaming, or parent-on-parent bullying has been in existence for decades.
If you’re a parent, know that it’s not a question of if, but when.
There will be people outside your home who’ll overstep their boundaries and insert their two cents where it doesn’t belong. They’ll think they have carte blanche to tell you your business and to these people, my question would be, “Who the &%$# are you?”
I’ve witnessed other parents shamed over their parenting skills and have even been there myself, and it can get brutal. To hear these bullies talk, you’d think that that the victims caught in their crosshairs were the worst parents on Earth! But they weren’t and still aren’t.
They never abused nor neglected their children, never encouraged nor condoned any wrongdoing, yet other parents disparaged them for merely trying to mold their kids into mature and independent adults. People shame them mostly for the ways they discipline their children or doing anything in a way the shamers didn’t approve of.
I’ve read of a mom or dad being lambasted by other parents for grounding their daughter after the girl snuck out of the house one night.
I saw on the news, another incident when people shamed a parent on social media for cutting off her daughter’s hair after the girl bullied another classmate with cancer- a punishment that, although harsh, ensures that she never again bullies another cancer patient.
Believe me. I understand that being a parent is tough enough without others trying to butt in. So, if you are a parent and you endure this kind of bullying, don’t feel bad about yourself and don’t try to conform to these nosy idiots.
I want you to know that as long as you aren’t abusing nor neglecting your kid, you have every right to tell these big-nosed people to stay in their lane. Who are they to tell you how to raise your child?
So, don’t bite your tongue. Don’t hold back. If you know, you’re doing nothing wrong, and some snoop sticks her big nose where it doesn’t belong, you can tell that person, point black to mind her own damn business.
You wouldn’t let someone come into your house and tell you how to clean it or take it upon themselves to arrange your furniture without your permission. So, why would you allow them to tell you how to raise your child?
When a Target is Verbally Bullied
When bullies carry out a barrage of verbal attacks against a target, they attack the person’s character, mental stability, and abilities. Therefore, if the target doesn’t maintain his/her sense of self and confidence, the bullies will eventually brainwash them and crush their spirit.
Verbal bullying can be done openly through bursts of rage, overt personal attacks, name-calling, and physical violence threats. Open verbal bullying aims to strike fear in the target.
It also seeks to let the target know in no uncertain terms that the bully is controlling them and that they’d better acquiesce or the bully will hurt them. It also dares the target to protest against it or defend themselves. In open bullying, bullies instill terror in bystanders as well by making an example of the target.
Examples of open verbal bullying include but aren’t limited to:
“You’re such a moron!”
“I’ll kick your butt if you say anything back to me!”
“You’re completely hopeless! Can’t you do anything right?”
It can also be subtle through tiny digs, zingers, offhand comments, and backhanded compliments. Subtle bullying aims to control and dominate its target without them realizing it.
In being subtle, bullies may act like they’re sincerely and genuinely concerned for the target.
Examples of subtle verbal bullying include:
“I’m concerned about you. You need help because you’re always so defensive every time we tell you what you’re doing wrong.”
“We’re telling you to help you.”
There’s a difference between constructive and destructive criticism, and bullies only give you the latter.
This type of verbal aggression aims to manipulate the target. Again, in most cases, the person doesn’t realize the bullies are using them. However, they will notice that they’re not as happy as before and don’t feel as good about themselves as they did once. The target will also sense that something is off.
Bullies use words to discourage, disrespect, and devalue the target, and they do it to diminish the target’s confidence and self-esteem. Targets may consciously or unconsciously try and change their behavior and personality to avoid agitating the bullies and protect themselves from any future bullying. But in doing this, targets only allow bullies to brainwash them into suppressing their authenticity, good natures, talents, and gifts.
Understand that you’ll never know people are bullying based on what outsiders see and tell you. When the bullying is subtle, it’s vague and almost unnoticeable not only by you but especially to others. Over time, the target becomes conditioned to take the abuse.
This kind of bullying can be unpredictable. The target may think he’s doing quite well until suddenly and out of the blue, bullies blindside him with another barrage of insults. The sudden onslaught only renders the target shocked, stunned, and thrown off-kilter by the bullies’ sarcasm, angry jab, put down, or ridicule.
It won’t matter how intelligent and socially aware you are; you’ll never expect the next attack, and you’ll never know why they attacked you nor how to keep them from attacking you.
Verbal bullies will send conflicting messages to confuse you:
They’ll say there’s nothing wrong, but their body language and the vibes they put out will tell you otherwise. Bullies may say that they don’t care what the target says, does, or thinks, yet they continuously watch her, eavesdropping on her conversations and invading her privacy.
What’s terrible about verbal bullying is that it always escalates. In the early stages of bullying, bullies disguise their insults and ridicule as jokes and fake concern. Over time, they turn it up and dish out their verbal abuse more openly. They do this deliberately to soften the target up for worse abuse later.
Even worse, verbal abuse usually escalates to physical assaults and beatings.
That’s why it’s so important to know when someone is verbally abusing you and put a stop to it as early as possible!
If you’re not sure people are verbally bullying you, listen to what your body tells you. Pay attention to your senses and intuition. If something said to you doesn’t feel right, call it out! I can’t express enough how important this is. Counter with something like,
“I know what you’re trying to do, and I don’t like it! So, I’d suggest that you back off right now!”
“Stop being foolish!”
“I don’t want to hear that garbage!”
Or you can tell them to shut up and walk away like you don’t have time to listen to their boring nonsense.
If you do this in the early stages, the chances are that you’ll stop them dead in their tracks, and they go away and find another target.
With knowledge comes empowerment.
Bullies and You-Statements
Have you noticed how bullies always seem to make “you” statements? You this, and you that; “you always” this, and “you never” that. You, you, you! The thing is, these statements are so transparent and so telling. They speak volumes about the bullies and nothing about the target because they are hallmarks of the typical abuser- accusation, and blame.
Here are a few common you-statements bullies make.
“You lie all the time!”
“You always bitch and complain about everything!”
“You’re (stupid, ugly, crazy, a liar, a wuss, etc.)!”
“You can’t leave well enough alone!”
“You’re a chicken!”
“You couldn’t find your ass with both hands!”
“You’ll never amount to anything!”
“You just keep pushing it!”
“You’re always trying to start something!”
“You always blow everything out of proportion!”
“You bring it all on yourself!”
“You always have to screw everything up!”
And the list is endless.
Know that these you-statements are designed to tear you down and keep you there. They’re meant to strip you of your rights as a human being, your dignity, your autonomy, your joy, your pride, all of which is your personal power.
You must counter them, then turn them around on the bully. How to do this is by simply saying, “No I’m not, YOU are!” or “No I don’t! YOU do!” Then dismiss the bully and walk away.
The bully might argue back but the important thing is that you’ve made your point. And you walk away and leave the bully standing there running their mouth and looking desperate and stupid.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
When Bullies Discount the Target’s Pain and Suffering
Bullies are notorious for abusing their targets, then turning around and discounting their normal, understandable, and justifiable sadness, fear, anger, and depression that result as a direct cause.
But understand the subtext of your bullies’ actions and discounting of your pain-
“Your feelings mean nothing.”
“Your pain and suffering aren’t real and don’t matter.”
“You’re not allowed to be sad, angry, scared, or depressed when we abuse you.”
When bullies discount your pain and suffering, they may make statements such as:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re such a crybaby.”
“Can’t you take a joke?”
“You’re jumping to conclusions.”
“You’re blowing everything out of proportion.”
“You’re always on the defensive.”
“You’re taking stuff too seriously.”
“It’s only in your imagination.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re always trying to start something.”
“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
…and the list goes on
The target may wonder why it is that he’s always in the wrong when he doesn’t mean to be. Understand that this is victim-blaming. And the bullies must blame you to keep from having to take responsibility for their behavior.
If nothing else, remember this:
You always know when something doesn’t feel good. So never doubt what you feel. Never second guess what you feel in your gut. Always listen to that jab in the pit of your stomach because your body never lies.
Then respond accordingly.
Bullying and “Crazymaking”
crazymaking – a form of psychological attack on someone by offering contradictory alternatives, then criticizing the person for choosing either. (Dictionary.com)
When a bully uses the crazymaking tactic to attack the target, he/she puts the person in a lose-lose situation. It’s a case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
For example, a bully may tell a woman she wears too much makeup, looks like a slut, and needs to tone it down a bit. So, the woman goes lighter on the makeup the next day, only to be told by the bully that she’s too barefaced and looks like a nun.
No wonder it’s called “crazymaking” because it can make you crazy if you let it. Understand the bullies do this to jerk you around and maintain their power over you. They have you jumping through hoops to win their approval because they have you feeling that you can’t do anything right.
Understand that crazymaking is covert verbal abuse. To protect yourself from it, you must first learn to recognize it when it happens to you.
A surefire way of identifying crazymaking is by noticing how it makes you feel. Crazymaking can:
- Make you feel off-kilter and unsure of how to defend yourself
- Make you feel lost and confused
- Make you feel blindsided
- Make you feel discombobulated or disoriented
- Give you mixed signals and messages but make you too afraid to ask for clarification
- Make you feel extreme discomfort around the bully
- Make you feel jerked around and toyed with
- Make you want to walk away from the bully but only leave you frozen
- Make you feel bewilderment
- Make you feel that something is “off”
Make no mistake. This is how your bullies get their kicks. They enjoy this because, again, it gives them a huge rush of power and makes them feel superior to have some sucker bending over backward to win their approval. Understand that this is a game! And your efforts to conform to a bully’s standards are pointless because bullies will only continue changing the rules and moving the goalposts. After all, bullies are notorious megalomaniacs who quickly get drunk on their power.
So, you must know your worth. That means knowing that you don’t have to live up to anyone’s standards but yours. You are the only person who knows your likes and dislikes. You are the only person who has the authority to choose what you want, how you want it, what you do, how you do it, and so forth.
Who are they to criticize you? Your life is your life, and you have the right to live it on your terms. Do what makes you happy, and to hell with anyone who has a problem with it.
The only way you’ll be able to battle crazymaking successfully is to have confidence and a strong sense of self. You must know yourself and be secure in yourself. Only then will you have no tolerance for this type of behavior, and therefore, crazymaking bullies have no power over you.