Month: April 2021
How Do Bullies Size Up Potential Targets?
Full Length of Two Adult Woman Standing Side by Side with Hands-on Hips in Separate Lanes of Outdoor Running Track – Two Friends Sizing Up Competition
Bullies never select targets at random. They always pick a possible target and size them up before they choose them. Just as bank robbers will case a potential bank before they rob the place, bullies case (size up) any potential targets.
During the sizing up phase, bullies study their objects carefully to ferret out any weaknesses and imperfections, look for incongruencies between verbal and nonverbal communication (mismatches in words and gestures), and scan for any traces of fear.
You’ll know you’re being sized up for bullying when the person watches you closely while looking you up and down. Their eyes will go from your head to your feet, then back up to your head, and you’ll get an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach. You’ll feel that something ‘just isn’t right’ about this person. Trust those feelings and get rid of them! Fast!
Another sure-fire sign is that the bully will test you by throwing out a subtle insult or use sarcasm to see whether you catch it and what your reaction will be. If you quickly pick up on it and take control of the situation by calling the bully out or countering him/her by coming back with a cute but scathing zinger of your own, you’ll stop the bully in their tracks, and they’ll likely decide you are worth the trouble, then move on to an easier target.
On the other hand, if their test remark goes over your head, you ignore the comment or react out of fear, you’ll likely become the bully’s new victim.
Always put a stop to it the first time it happens.
This can be as easy as saying, “I know what you’re doing, and I don’t like it! Now get lost!”
Never let the mistreatment become a habit or pattern! Because once a pattern is set, it’ll be too late, and any comebacks or means of defense will only bring retaliation and escalation of the bullying.
If you are being sized up by a bully, shut it down! Do or say something that will discourage the bully, then have no more to do with the creep.
The more you know, the better you protect yourself!
Silence
Is It Bullying or Incivility?
Often times, we ran into people who are just jerks and are rude to random people. Just because a person is rude to us does not mean that they are bullying us.
Anyone, at any age, can become a target of bullying, and there is evidence that child and teen targets are more likely to grow up to be bullied, adults. Some do not, I didn’t, but others do.
All bullies, regardless of age, deep down at their core, are cowards!
The difference between child bullies and adult bullies is that the young bullies select targets who are weaker, smaller, mentally handicapped, or sick with a disease (Type 1 diabetics, childhood cancer patients, paraplegics, etc.).
Adult bullies target well-liked, outgoing, confident, and successful people in their jobs or have successful marriages and family life. Adult bullies target people who have what they themselves want but feel they can’t and feel those people outshine them and threaten them.
With that being said, this has prompted me to talk about the subject and how one can overcome a hostile work environment. I believe that knowledge is power, and without it, you may not know what to do when an adult bully comes calling. So I feel that it is incumbent upon me to share my own knowledge, experience, and the tools I used to overcome a hostile work environment and come out virtually unscathed.
There is no age limit on bullying. It does not stop after high school graduation, nor does it stop at age 18, 21, 40, or even 60. If it did, there would be no assaults, murders, robberies, home invasions, or the like. And there wouldn’t be corporate or government corruption either.
The majority of employees will have at least one encounter with a workplace bully in their lifetime. So if you have never been the target of an ultra dominating and overbearing boss or coworkers, chances are that you will sometime in the future.
After high school, I was fortunate to have never suffered bullying in the workplace until just a few years ago. For years, in the places I worked, I was usually the one who was well-liked by my supervisors and coworkers because I worked hard and did my best to treat everyone with respect. This is not to say that I didn’t run into a few dirtbags – smart-alecs, gossips, and trouble makers because I did.
But these people usually treated EVERYONE like dirt, not only me. Also, they were only a few and not liked by the rest of my coworkers. So these were not cases of bullying, although I may have thought differently at the time. So how do we distinguish a case of bullying from incivility?
BULLYING – involves singling one person out of the whole of alumni, organization, company, or geographic population. It also involves repetition…repeated attacks against the same individual or group over a long period of time (usually from 3 weeks to several years). Also, others, even total strangers, are usually encouraged to join in.
Bullying is relentless. Bullying is a CAMPAIGN with a GOAL
It means destroying the target’s good name and standing in a community, relationships, family, career, finances, businesses and to ruin the target’s self-esteem and sense of security and well-being, to eventually ruin his/her life.
INCIVILITY – does not have any certain target.
People such as these don’t care who you are or where you come from. They just have personalities that suck and treat everyone in general, like dirt. And they only insult you because they don’t want to be bothered, whereas a bully or bullies will actively pursue you and make it their mission in life just to destroy you. A jerk, on the other hand, will never put in the effort to pursue anyone.
Crazy young man in white shirt standing and screaming at woman in pink dress. woman dont care and looking at camera with toothy smile. indoor studio shot, isolated on light brown background.
INCIVILITY – is sporadic and random mistreatment against random people. It does not involve repetition and is not directed at any certain person or group.
BULLYING – is personal, and there is always an agenda and vendetta behind it.
INCIVILITY – is not personal, and there is no agenda nor vendetta.
The person is just a jerk. Everyone will experience incivility at times in their lives, even popular people. A jerk has no particular target and does not care who you are. A jerk is an equal-opportunity dirt bag.
A jerk just doesn’t care…about anyone…period.
A jerk is afraid you might want something from him.
A bully wants something from YOU.
Reasons Bullies Target the Best People
I’ve mentioned before that bullies seem to have a taste for the best people when they select their targets. They go for the people with hearts of gold, people who are intelligent, who are cooperative with authority, and those who have an unwavering moral compass and a sense of fair play and justice.
There are reasons bullies target these outstanding people:
1. Bullies experience anyone else’s goodness as their inferiority.
2. In these targets, they see their imperfections and flaws reflected back at them.
3. Bullies know that they’re most likely to be rejected by these people.
4. Bullies know if they tried to manipulate these people, they wouldn’t get very far.
5. Bullies instinctively know that these people are smart and would likely see through their manipulations, mind games, and facades.
Realize that the best people know themselves. And to know yourself is to trust yourself and know lies and abuse when you see them. This is why people who are “the best” are a huge threat to bullies and abusers.
For Laughs
When Bullies Become Brazen
What does it mean when bullies bully openly? When they no longer try to hide their hatred, abuse, and brutality from not only you but everyone else around? When your bullies bully you in plain sight, out in the open, in front of not only your peers, but also your teachers, principal, supervisors, or managers?
It means that you’re seeing a very bad sign- that the people in positions of power- those you would expect to act, have no intentions of holding your bullies accountable. What also means is that they have no intentions of helping or protecting you. Even worse, it means that the abuse has escalated to a very dangerous level.
People are only emboldened and get cocky and full of themselves when they know there’s no accountability for wrongdoing. Therefore, the bullies’ actions and arrogance only send unspoken messages to their targets which are as follows:
“We can do whatever we want and there’s nothing anyone can do.”
“Who’s going to stop us.”
“Who’s going to help you. You’re ours now.”
I can guarantee that if bullies thought they would be held responsible, they would try their level best to hide their evil or avoid doing it altogether. No one wants to have to answer for anything and they definitely don’t want the shame and humiliation that comes with it. So, naturally they either wouldn’t do the bad deeds at all, or they would only do their dirt behind closed doors.
guilt concept – unhappy young sporty man showing his throat with gun-like hands for sign of low self-esteem, textured effects
Whereas, after people have gotten away with hurting another person a few times, they naturally catch on that there are no repercussions, no shame, nor humiliation. And once there’s complete impunity and therefore, immunity, it’s no holds barred. So, if you’re a target of bullying and your bullies are continuously let off the hook, you’re a sitting duck!
Why? Because there are no limits to what your bullies can do to you and bullying always escalates if it’s left unchecked. And when someone bad is left unchecked, there’s no incentive to hide it, much less stop it.
And here’s another thing. It sets a precedent for everyone else, in that it will also encourage people who wouldn’t normally mistreat another person to jump on the bandwagon and bully you too. Naturally, when bystanders and witnesses see that the bullies are getting away with it, they will think that they will be let off the hook too and they will be encouraged to join in on the torment. It’s the science of group behavior.
Know that if you ever find yourself under these circumstances, you’re in a very dangerous situation and you must find a way to remove yourself from the environment before you sustain any further damage. It’s the only way you will ever regain your safety and peace of mind.
We All Need a Little Space
Many targets of bullying are afraid of being by themselves because they’re under the false belief that if you spend even a day by yourself, it means that there is something wrong with you. ‘Taint so!
Being alone is not always a bad thing. Solitude can be so good for you. We all need that “me-time”- some time to ourselves to chill and recharge our batteries. Trust me, I know what it’s like to never get any time to myself and to always have someone under my butt and it sucks after a while. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy other people’s company just as much as the next person, but not when it’s never-ending.
I have to have my quiet time. I enjoy the me-time I get while my husband is away at work. The house is quiet, and I can get some ideas flowing and some writing done.
On the days I don’t write, I can boogie down to some good loud music while doing my housework or go for a walk on a beautiful day. There’s nothing like sweet solitude!
So, don’t be afraid to be alone. Embrace it! You’ll be surprised at how refreshed you feel after you’ve had your private time.
With knowledge comes empowerment.
Big Mouth
Schadenfreude and Sadistic Bullies
None of us want to admit that there are such people out in the world- people who get sick pleasure from another’s suffering. If you’re an empath, you’d like to think that every human being has a modicum of feeling when a another person is hurting. That is completely normal. I too would like to think that everyone on Earth has, at least, some feelings, some empathy, and some compassion- even if it’s a teeny tiny speck of it. However, this is not reality.
In this world, there are a lot of people who get sick pleasure from the suffering of their fellow man- particularly those they despise and don’t see as human. Otherwise, we would never have had unspeakable atrocities like the Holocaust, the Jonestown Massacre, or Waco.
The cold hard truth is that most bullies bully because they enjoy it. They get their kicks from it. In fact, they relish it! Think about it, if they didn’t enjoy it, they would never bully. And let’s face it, nobody does anything of their own free will that they don’t enjoy. Ask yourself this question:
Unless someone held a gun to your head, would you do something- anything at all, that you did not enjoy? You wouldn’t because it goes against human nature.
No one does anything unless there is a payoff of some kind in store for them. Most bullies, not all, but most bullies bully because they love to inflict pain on another person. It gives them a sense of power, control, superiority, and domination. Also, they get a thrill from it. Understand that these four things: power, control, superiority, domination, and sadistic jollies are the payoffs bullies get from hurting people they perceive as weaker- people they know will not (or can’t) fight back.
Through their torment, the bullies send their targets these unspoken messages:
I can do anything I want with you and there is nothing you can do about it.
You are powerless against me.
I am more powerful than you.
I am superior to you.
I dominate you.
I have control over your life.
I am over you.
You are beneath me.
You can’t do anything without my approval.
You are nothing without my approval.
Understand that when bullies bully, they feel almighty! And they enjoy the rush of power they get from it.
Realize that to bullies of a sadistic nature, bullying others is like pulling the legs off an ant or the wings off a ladybug then watching it squirm. In order words, physical bullies will beat the target just to hear them writhe, groan, or scream in pain. And the bullies will kick him again and again just to get him to scream louder and more frequently.
Psychological bullies will taught and verbally abuse their targets just to get a reaction from them.
And they do this because they cannot get satisfaction, happiness, control, superiority or… power any other way, so the only other option for these bullies is to inflict harm on others. It’s the only way they can feel good about themselves.
However, normal people do not have to hurt others to achieve power. Normal people feel powerful through making accomplishments and achievements. They get power from being able to control their own lives, not someone else’s.
They get their sense of power through having success in their jobs, their family life, their talents, their finances, and their physical health. This is why people start their own businesses or do strenuous workouts every day. It’s also why they display their talents and gifts.
Understand that getting power this way doesn’t require hurting others.
Bullies, on the other hand couldn’t achieve these things without hurting others. That’s what makes them, well, bullies. They can’t survive in this world without inflicting pain. Even worse, the pain of others is what they thrive on and they can never get enough of it.
These bullies secretly or openly take pleasure in hurting others. And the more the target looks like they are suffering, the more the bullies harm them. They’re like sharks that smell blood in the water.
This is hard to fathom for many empaths, but it’s better to find out now so you won’t be paralyzed with shock when it happens to you. Shock can throw you off-balance and slow your response time. And if you aren’t reeling with shock, the better you’ll be able to take care of it and respond appropriately.
Loyalty is Earned
Do it Scared!
Fear will enslave you if you let it. It’s like a prison without walls because a fearful person is a controlled person. The good thing is that you don’t have to let fear imprison you.
So, how do you break out of that jail?
You face your fears. You do the thing you fear anyway- and you do it scared!
Many people have the wrong idea of the word “fearless.” Fearless doesn’t mean you don’t feel the fear. What it means is that, although you may be scared to death, you do it anyway. A perfect example of this would be jumping out of an airplane with a parachute on your back.
I’ve actually skydived before. It was during the summer of 2004, and let me tell you! The fear is the worst right before you go out the door. But if I’d let my fright stop me, I never would have known that awesome rush I got during the 75 second free-fall before my chute opened. I never would have seen the beauty of the world below me as I floated downward, and would never have known the thrill of skydiving. Even worse, I would’ve been kicking myself later, because skydiving was something I’d always wanted to try.
I consider myself blessed to have gotten the chance to parachute and I’d love to do it again sometime. And when I do, I plan to do a solo jump instead of tandem. So, if there’s anything you want to do, anything at all. Don’t be afraid to do it scared! After all, you only live once.
Go ahead. Take the plunge. Do it while you can and before it’s too late.
A Deeper Explanation of Power
Everyone wants to have power. You, me, everyone. It’s human nature to seek power. Because to be completely powerless is hell on earth. That’s why I say, everyone wants power, if only a little of it.
When a person is totally powerless, they live their life on autopilot. In essence, they are as a leaf being blown around in the wind. They’re a sailboat without a sail- being blown on whatever course life dictates for them. And it’s a terrible way to live because, without power, you don’t live. You only exist!
Really stop and think about it for a moment. To have power over nothing! Can you imagine it? It’s hard to, isn’t it? It would be the worst thing that could ever happen to you!
Normal people do not have to hurt others to achieve power. They feel powerful through making accomplishments and achievements. They get power from being able to control their own lives, not someone else’s.
People who aren’t bullies get their sense of power through having success in their jobs, their family life, their talents, their finances, and their physical health. Therefore, people start their own businesses or do strenuous workouts every day. It’s also why they display their talents and gifts. And it’s why they take pride in their families.
For instance, a mother gets her sense of power from her ability to create a good home for her babies. A comedian gets his sense of power from doing stand-up comedy and his ability to make people laugh. A singer gets her sense of power from her ability to entertain people with her beautiful voice, through song. An athlete gets his sense of power through competing in and winning at a sport, and a student gets her sense of power through making exceptional grades, getting diplomas/degrees, and winning titles, such as Honor Roll, Summa Cum Laude, or Magna Cum Laude. And they all do it without stepping on others.
Understand that getting power this way doesn’t require hurting others and there are no winners and losers. There’s equality, cooperation, and mutual respect. This kind of power is known as personal power.
In her book, “The Abusive Relationship,” Patricia Evans puts power in two categories- personal power and power over.
Personal power is power over your life’s trajectory. It’s the power to direct your own path- to choose your own wants, having the autonomy to make choices and decisions for yourself, and to do your own thing. There’s no need to harm another person because you are already the director of your own life-movie. Having personal power puts you in the driver’s seat of your life and you are the one who chooses your destination and which route you want to take to get there.
You are the captain of your own ship. The winds may change and blow you off course, but with personal power, you have a rudder to steer your ship back on course. You may have to take detours, and yes, you may have to take the long way to your destination, but you know where you’re going, and you eventually get to where you want to go.
Sadly, bullies cannot achieve personal power. Why? Because bullies are incompetent fools who have no intelligence (social or otherwise). They also have no sense of responsibility, no talent- no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The only way bullies can achieve satisfaction, happiness, success, or self-actualization (power) is to inflict harm on others. The only way they can achieve power in their jobs, families, finances, etc. is by steamrolling people. Bullies are so inept they can’t even survive in this world without hurting others. This kind of power is called power over.
Power over is lording it over another person through force, coercion, and trickery. Power over violates boundaries. It shows no respect or regard, and it seeks to oppress and block the target from all the good things in life- love, peace, success, happiness- freedom. In power over there is a winner (the bully) and a loser (the target). Power over is a zero-sum game. Always!
Power over is against personal power and it only takes it away.
If you’re a target of bullying, it’s so important that you begin taking steps to take back your personal power. Only then will you be free. You will finally begin living instead of existing.
With knowledge comes empowerment.
To Bullies Everywhere
You Can Do It!
