Sexual Harassment and the Bullied Girl

Sexual abuse in schools with a warning sign of a sex predator abusing and attacking young innocent student victims represented by a yellow hazard sign with the criminal act illustrated as a symbol.

Often, when a girl is a target of bullying, the torment she suffers leaves her wide open for sexual harassment.

And this isn’t discussed enough. The harassment can range from inappropriate and embarrassing comments to unwanted physical touching. Though I’m female and am writing this post from a female perspective, I do realize that this can happen to bullied young men as well.

I cannot tell you how many stories I’ve heard from other female victims and survivors of bullying.  And I can relate because, numerous times, my bullies subjected me to this type of behavior when I was in junior high and high school. Young creeps on the bus, in the halls or the lunch line, would sneakily run a hand up my skirt, put their hands on my behind and other such disgusting acts.

As any woman or girl knows, when people hurl sexual comments at you, grope,  and feel you up, it leaves you feeling cheap and violated. And your first thought is to blame yourself. You wonder what you did to bring it about.

“Was my dress too short?”
“Were my jeans too tight?”
“Did I have on too much makeup?”

Even worse is when other girls blame you.

Yes! This happens all the time but most girls are silent about it. Other girls only assume that you “must have done something to make him do it”- that somehow, you “asked for it.”

Such incidences can attract the ire of the guys’ jealous girlfriends. Therefore, these girlfriends will accuse you of trying to steal their boyfriends. All the while, the pig who violated you walks away free as a bird. This only doubles the victimization. It’s no different from what a rape victim goes through!

Bullied girls can also be sexually harassed by other girls as well, only in different ways.

Girls harass other girls by verbal means, making statements such as,

“Nobody will $%#! you.”
“I’ll bet you’re still a virgin, aren’t you?”
”You’d $%&# anything that moves!”

These are only a few. I’ve heard worse. Sometimes, the other girls will encourage the boys to harass the victim sexually, then turn it around on her, calling her a whore, slut, floozy- take your pick.

In school, I knew another bullied girl who others referred to as “Tuna Fish.” I’ll say no more.

Sexual harassment at work and workplace. Touch knee. Movement against sexual harassment

Understand that any time a female is the object of bullying, she has comments and remarks directed at her which are unspeakable. They’re so horrible and explicit that you don’t dare repeat them by mouth, much less write it in a book or article.

There is no limit to the low that bullies won’t sink.

They can be inventive to the raunchiest, raciest, dirtiest, most vile, hurtful and demeaning comments and actions. And anyone who hasn’t been on the receiving end of such would be shocked if they heard or saw some of the things a bullied girl has.

Understand that bullies show a side to their targets they would never in a million years show to anyone else.

Objects of bullying witness firsthand the shocking evil and cruelty of which people are capable, and they see the absolute darkest sides of the human character.

Bullies are experts at fooling bystanders and authority.

They are highly skilled at manipulating a social infrastructure. Bullies are also very aware that if the victim reports such abuse, others will not believe her. Why? Because the same bullies have meticulously ruined her once good reputation. And who’s going to take the word of someone with a notoriously bad name?

Understand that bullies will only show the worst sides of their characters to their victims and no one else. And why not? To bullies, the victim is both inferior and powerless.

When a person believes that you are inferior and powerless, they could care less about what you think of them.

As far as they’re concerned, any opinions you have are irrelevant. Whereas, anyone the bullies see as equals or superiors will only see the best sides of their character.

With that said, if you are a bullied female, I want you to know with every fiber of your being that it isn’t your fault. Know that you never asked for that kind of behavior, nor brought any of it on yourself.

And if you are bullied and endure sexual harassment, do not take any blame for it. And for goodness sake, don’t be afraid to report it! Know that bullying will not last forever. When I became an adult, the bullying stopped, and I am now very well-liked, loved, and respected.

I want you to know that this is only one chapter in your life, not the entire book. You too can overcome and move on to love, happiness, and success. Just don’t give up! You are beautiful! You are a great person despite what others may tell you or how they may treat you. And there are people who love you and care for you!

You are worth fighting for! You are worth living for!

I Made the Mistake of Turning to Romance to Compensate: Don’t Make the Same Mistake

Females are hardwired to nurture, maintain, and enjoy relationships, whether they be friendships, family, or romantic relationships. With teenagers, although family relationships are still meaningful, it is mostly about having close relationships with friends and romantic relationships.

Therefore, if a young girl is not getting those wants and needs met through her peers at school or family at home, she may try a different route to meet her needs.

Sadly, some girls, particularly those who are targets of bullies, think that having a dating partner makes up for the lack of friends and positive relationships at school. I say this because, unfortunately, I was one of those girls with the same mindset. I leaned on dating and romance for comfort.

At the time, being in a romantic relationship felt like such a welcome change, like a soft pillow to land on during a fall. It seemed to buffer my self-esteem from the attacks and take the sting out of the torment I endured.

Having dating partners and suitors gave me a much-needed rebuttal to the daily degradation and humiliation brought on by classmates and a few sadistic teachers. It assured me that I was a great person and worthy of being loved. Male attention was a testament to my beauty and confirmation of my value as a young woman.

I looked to these guys to rescue me. They were my refuge from a cold, cruel world that hated me. Looking back now, I realize how needy I was back then. Around young guys who didn’t know me from school, I acted like a totally different person. I smiled, batted my eyelashes, and flirted my behind off to get their attention.

During school, because I had no real friends, I turned to grown men of late teens and early twenties to get the acceptance I wasn’t getting at school, from people my age. Although I was a gorgeous girl to look upon, bullies and their followers had destroyed my once-good name and with it, any prospects for dating and love among peers my age.

But by dating guys who were already out of high school, I was able to get around my trashed reputation and have opportunities for romance. These college-aged men had never met me, nor were they aware of the falsehoods and labels tied to my name.

I’m ashamed to say that, back then, I felt that my good looks and feminine wiles were the only things I had going for me, and often used them to get what I wanted. I thought I had to use trickery and charm to attain what most others seemed to come by easily and effortlessly. And thirty years ago, underage dating was more accepted than it is today.

I want you to understand that when a person is beaten down for so long, they grow afraid to ask for or pursue their wants and needs the right way. As a result, manipulation and deceit become a way of survival. Realize that this is a person who doesn’t need judgment; they get enough of that already. What they need is help.

For bullied victims, partners are a proverbial band-aid to their feelings of hurt and inadequacy that come with the onslaught of bullies. Sexual partners and activity are a means to feel loved, wanted, sexy, and beautiful. And it works, if only temporarily.

However, this is dangerous because it can easily lead to co-dependency. Relying on a dating partner for confirmation of worth is never good because the person eventually comes to believe that if he/she is not half of a couple, they are nothing and this kind of thinking is wrong.

encouragement

This mindset only sprouts desperation, and there is no dignity in being desperate for a partner. No one should ever see a romantic relationship as the end all be all. They should never look outside of themselves for happiness. Men and women come and go, and if the person continues to depend solely on them for their fulfillment, they’ll be in for a huge disappointment.

When someone looks solely to a partner to validate them, it’s a sign that the person doesn’t know their worth as a young lady or young man. Potential dates can sense this, and are either repelled or see them as someone they can use and degrade.

The person risks attracting a predatory partner of low integrity, one who will hang around as long as it takes to get what they want before dumping them and leaving them devastated. Also, people of quality and integrity do not want a partner they have to fix or rescue, and if they sniff out the slightest bit of neediness, they will disappear, and fast!

If you are a bullied girl or boy, I can’t stress enough how important it is to fall in love with yourself and with life before you fall in love with anyone else. Love should come from within and never from the outside. A relationship doesn’t complete you, and just because a person has sex with you doesn’t mean that they love you.

You are just as beautiful and whole without a partner as you are with one. Just because you’re dateless doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Single doesn’t mean defective.

In the meantime, do plenty of deep soul searching and make positive affirmations daily. Count all your good qualities, talents, and gifts. Continuously remind yourself that you have value, and soon, you’ll start to believe it with your whole heart.

Be patient. Know that the right person will come into your life when you least expect it, and you aren’t looking for them. And when they do, they’ll be well worth the wait.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

6 Signs Your Date Only Wants One Thing: Bullied Girls, Dating and Relationships

When a girl is bullied in high school, college, or the workplace, she may turn to dating, romantic relationships, and sex to compensate for the friendships she isn’t getting anywhere else and to feel accepted, wanted, and loved. Anytime a girl is bullied, she risks having her dating opportunities taken due to having their once-good reputations destroyed by the malicious gossip and smear campaigns orchestrated by their bullies.

They will meet and date partners outside of the bullying environment, which is completely okay provided the girl isn’t a minor and the partner a legal adult. What’s never okay is when the girl is so broken by bullying that she clings to having a romantic relationship as a band-aid to her feelings of loneliness and isolation and to compensate for the connection and friendship they miss out on at school or work.

And because they’ve been convinced by their bullies that they have little or no options for dating suitors, bullied girls will often drop their standards and date anyone who shows their teeth to them without observing their behavior and the way they carry themselves first because all they’re looking for is a warm body to validate them. Nothing more. It’s also the reason they rush into having sex with the person. This isn’t good!

Understand that there’s a reason why it’s always best to make your partner wait a while before having sex with him. That reason is not only to show that you have respect for yourself and your body, but also to weed out the creeps who are only looking for one thing. Because, if a guy is only interested in sex, he will NOT want to wait for it. Keep him waiting for any length of time and he’ll only break it off and move on to an easier girl.

Trust me, this is what you should want because, it he’s only wants your body, he isn’t interested in a long-term relationship and doesn’t value you like you deserve to be valued. Therefore, he doesn’t deserve to be with you in the first place.

So, how do you know if he wants a relationship or if he’s only out to get in your pants?

Here are the signs:

1. He always hounds you for sex. If ever you’re on a date and your partner gets impatient and starts belittling or harping on you to give him sex, you might want to re-evaluate the relationship and reconsider if this is the person you should be with. If your partner doesn’t respect your decision to wait and admire you as a female for not being so dang easy, then they aren’t the person you should be with.

Arrogant young Caucasian man with three female admirers

2. Everything he talks about pertains to sex. This is a huge giveaway. If it seems that all your date can talk about is sex or anything pertaining to it, either show him the door, or head for it. Whatever you do, get rid of this creep because it’s a sign that sex is all he’s after.

2. He brags or hints about having sex with X number of girls before you. Yuck! Who wants to hear that? He’s only telling you up front that he’s a player and is actively anticipating the day he gets to score with you. Do you really want to become just another notch in his belt? No way! Give yourself the respect you deserve- get away from this dude…fast!

4. He puts down the girl he’s had sex with in the past. This idiot will make statements such as, “She was a lousy lay,” or any other remarks that put her down. Ewww! For your own peace of mind, drop this loser because, if he’ll put down a girl he’s slept with, you can be sure that he’ll say the same about you once you’ve let him have his way with you. Also, he can’t have much respect for you if he makes such statements around you- women who respect themselves do not want to hear such rubbish!

5. He undresses you with his eyes. You know that look. Or maybe you’re both talking and having fun and his eyes drop from your eyes to your breasts and seem to rest there. Again, that’s your cue to exit quickly!

6. You find out he’s addicted to porn. The last thing you need is to date a sex addict. It’s time to head for Splitsville!

Know that you are so much more than just your body and know that you deserve a partner who cherishes you for more than just your body or what you can offer him. You deserve someone who will respect your decision to wait and who will also admire and love you for it.

Real men don’t want a woman who is easy. They want a high-value woman- a woman who has morals and who respects herself enough to wait it out. They want a woman who is true to herself and who has standards. They want a woman who knows who she is, what she wants, and what she’s worth.

And you’re worth so much more than just a one-night romp between the sheets. You’re worth a lifetime commitment from the right guy at the right time. Always remember that.

With knowledge comes empowerment!