Dealing with Bullying Differently Today Than in The Past

Bullies have been around since the beginning of time and bullying is a dark part of human nature. However, that doesn’t mean that we should put up with it.

I’ve dealt with bullies at different times my whole life and it has led me to evaluate the way I dealt with bullying in the past. It has also led to a passion for learning more about bullying and what makes bullies tick.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

Bullies are highly insecure, egotistical, know-it-all creeps with god complexes, and they feel they must always be the center of attention. Therefore, they feel entitled to waste your precious time by telling you how they think you should behave, what clothes, accessories, and hairstyles they think you should wear, trying to teach you things that you already know and most likely learned when you were five, and being passive-aggressive (or overtly aggressive). They do this to impress others by making you look inferior.

This is how bullies get the attention they crave.

And the best way to deal with a bully is to refuse them the attention they want. And when we deny bullies attention, we don’t value their opinions of us or anything that comes out of their mouths. We deny them that supply- that ego trip they seek, and in that, we cease to be victims. We might still be targets, but never victims.

In the past, I’ve had bullies force me to justify myself over the most harmless and trivial things, compel me to do things I never wanted to do, and attack me with stealthy put-downs disguised as “teachable moments” and “friendly advice.”

Back then, I over-apologized for just being me, or for things I had nothing to do with. I apologized for other people’s bad behavior, which were things I had absolutely no control over. I bought into their lies and gaslighting and apologized any time a bully let me know that my interpretation of what they would say to me wasn’t meant the way it came across and that they’d never say such terrible things to another person. Then I’d feel bad for taking them the wrong way. All the while, they’d continue and even escalate the abuse.

I’d let bullies push me into losing my temper and returning fire with the same verbal attacks they launched against me. I would then feel terrible when the bullies would whine, cry, and moan about how much I’d hurt their little feelings and how I had “overreacted.”

It’s funny how bullies can always dish it out but can never take it when the crap gets kicked back their way.

What I didn’t realize was that by my reactions, I was giving these bullies the attention they were looking for. I was giving them the green light to push my buttons, to question my mental stability and jerk me around. I was making myself their play-toy. I was allowing them to tear me down in order to build up their own fragile egos.

It was all a load of tripe, and I fell for it- hook, line, and sinker.

But no more. Since then, I’ve learned to spot a bully by observing the same types of behavior. I’ve also learned not to play their games. A person may bully me once. But trust me, they’ll only do it one time because I know bullying and abuse when I see it. And I also know what it looks like in the early stages.

I make it a point to treat others how I’d like to be treated and to listen to other people’s opinions and takes on things. However, bullies and abusers are the exceptions here. And when I see the signs and realize that someone is starting to bully me, they automatically lose a target. And when I’m done with a person, I’m done and there’s no looking back. I won’t continue to stroke a bully’s ego.

If the person is someone in a high position, I’ll withdraw my support. If the person is a coworker, I’ll find another job or I’ll expose them by simply giving them plenty of rope,  then sit back and bide my time until the person hangs themselves and gets fired. If the person is someone related, any future contact will be on my terms.

And when I go no-contact, I won’t bother to explain to the person why I’m done with them because I owe them no explanations. Neither will I smack them across the head and let them know when they are about to cross the line. If they don’t have the self-awareness to realize that their evil actions and behavior are the problems, that’s on them and they’re the one who must deal with the consequences.

And no. I won’t have as much as a shred of guilt over it because self-care is nothing to feel guilty over. I value my sanity and peace of mind more than I ever will others’ opinions of me. For me, the knowledge gained from the lessons I had to learn gives me self-acceptance, self-love, confidence, and personal power.

9 Reasons I’m Thankful for My Bullies

I know you’re scratching your head on this one. “Why,” you ask. It’s because they taught me things I never would’ve learned otherwise. And they showed me things that, although weren’t pleasant, were things I would need to know later.

1. They showed me the kind of person I never want to be.

2. They showed me the ugliest side of human nature.

3. They showed me the level of evil humans are capable of.

4. They showed me the types of people I don’t need nor want in my life.

5. They showed me the types of people to always avoid.

6. They showed me what signs to watch out for.

7. They gave me the determination to love myself and to go after what I want in life.

8. They molded me into a good judge of character.

9. They taught me the value of true, genuine friendships and to take no one for granted.

Yes. Although they were brutal people, and none of the bullying they dished out was fun by any stretch of the imagination, my bullies in school taught me all these things. And I hold these takeaways close to my heart today.

It’s hard to look for the silver lining while people are bullying you. However, once you get away from your bullies and the torment is over, not only do you regain a renewed sense of hope, but you also see so much clearer the lessons in what you had to endure.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

10 Secrets Bullies Hope You Never Find Out

dreamstime_xs_104065709

1. Being a bully is WORK! They work hard to keep up appearances and to maintain their fake facades. Bullies, especially popular ones, have an image to keep up, and they monitor themselves nonstop, twenty-four-seven. They must keep up with and remember all the lies they tell to keep their stories straight. And they often spend beyond their means to look like they have lots of money. Is it any wonder that many bullies get charged with crimes like embezzlement, fraud, and theft? Most have to steal to keep up!

2. Bullies are not happy people. They can’t be. Why do you think they bully others? They do it to feel better about themselves, to distract from their shortcomings and insecurities, and project them onto someone else. Bullies also bully to make themselves look superior, better, smarter, and more powerful. They may bully for attention because they aren’t getting it at home. It takes a miserable person to be a bully.

narcissist bully arrogant

3. They’re weak. Bullies bully because they’re feeble-minded people. They’re loud, obnoxious, and pushy because they don’t have the brains nor social intelligence to get what they want any other way.

4. Bullies are insecure. When a bully sees someone who outshines them somehow, they fear that the person will take the attention and admiration away from them. Bullies share attention and recognition with no one. They must be adored at all times by everyone. They feel they have to be at the center of everything and that the world should revolve around them.

narcissist bully ego

5. Bullies are jealous of their victims. Bullies can’t handle anyone else’s success. If you have more wins then them, are better looking then them or are more talented than them, they’ll make it their mission to make you suffer for it.

6. Bullies are trying to be cool. Again, they strain themselves to keep up appearances. And bullies know that most people are under the mistaken impression that cruelty is “cool” as long as they aren’t on the receiving end of it. Many bullies bully to look cute to any witnesses.

7. They seek attention. If a bully doesn’t get attention, they feel inadequate. So they bully in front of an audience to get the attention they feel they never get.

8. They’re cowards. They’re afraid of looking weak and being bullied themselves.

9. They’re fakes, frauds, and imposters. They must don masks to hide their true selves. Understand that they do this out of the fear of their true personalities being exposed.

10. They’re compensating. Bullies bully to compensate for weakness. If they can look strong by making someone else look weak they make up for the weaknesses they feel they have. Bullies will also run with rich people or the popular crowd because it helps them to forget about the fact that they’re nothing and, in a way, makes up for anything they feel they don’t have.

bullied victim desperate people pleaser

Male bullies who feel they aren’t man enough will often drive around in hot cars and flaunt money to make up for the fact that most decent girls find them disgusting. Female bullies will often use fashion, makeup, and the latest hairstyles to compensate for the fact that few people like them. Or they may have a bunch of friends and use that to make up for the fact that they can’t get a date. Who wants to date someone with a haughty attitude?

Bullies have secrets they don’t want exposed and they’ll move Heaven and Earth to keep those secrets from coming out.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When Bullies Ask You Why-Questions

“Why are you so stupid?”

“Why are you such a smartass?”

“Why do you ignore us when what we’re telling you is for your own good?”

“Why are you so ignorant?”

“Why are you so retarded?”

“Why are you so arrogant?”

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“Why are you such a loser?”

“Why are you such a jackass?”

Understand that these questions aren’t really questions. They’re only accusations made in the form of questions. Bullies are notorious for asking their targets rhetorical questions, which are questions designed to illicit a dramatic effect and to make a point, not necessarily to get an answer. These questions are only insinuations and innuendo.

They insinuate the target’s perceived lack of intelligence, sarcastic attitude, indifference, refusal to listen to reason, obnoxiousness, uselessness, and worthlessness.

The best way to counter these questions is to come back with something sarcastic. Here are some snappy answers to the above questions:

“Maybe it’s because I lose a few million brain cells every time I hear you speak.”

“Gee! Maybe it’s because morons like you bring it out in me.”

“Because you never know what you’re talking about.”

“Because people like you would make anyone who has to listen to your mouth ignorant.”

“Because listening to the trash that comes out of your mouth would make anyone retarded.”

“Because you talk a lot of nonsense.”

“Maybe because I’ve been around you too long and it’s rubbing off on me.” (answer to last two questions)

Always counter with sarcasm! Bullies’ hate being made a fool of and I guarantee that answers with some burn will take the wind out of their sails.

And the best part is that they just might leave you alone.

When Bullies Become Brazen

What does it mean when bullies bully openly? When they no longer try to hide their hatred, abuse, and brutality from not only you but everyone else around? When your bullies bully you in plain sight, out in the open, in front of not only your peers, but also your teachers, principal, supervisors, or managers?

It means that you’re seeing a very bad sign- that the people in positions of power- those you would expect to act, have no intentions of holding your bullies accountable. What also means is that they have no intentions of helping or protecting you. Even worse, it means that the abuse has escalated to a very dangerous level.

People are only emboldened and get cocky and full of themselves when they know there’s no accountability for wrongdoing. Therefore, the bullies’ actions and arrogance only send unspoken messages to their targets which are as follows:

“We can do whatever we want and there’s nothing anyone can do.”

“Who’s going to stop us.”

“Who’s going to help you. You’re ours now.”

I can guarantee that if bullies thought they would be held responsible, they would try their level best to hide their evil or avoid doing it altogether. No one wants to have to answer for anything and they definitely don’t want the shame and humiliation that comes with it. So, naturally they either wouldn’t do the bad deeds at all, or they would only do their dirt behind closed doors.

guilt concept – unhappy young sporty man showing his throat with gun-like hands for sign of low self-esteem, textured effects

Whereas, after people have gotten away with hurting another person a few times, they naturally catch on that there are no repercussions, no shame, nor humiliation. And once there’s complete impunity and therefore, immunity, it’s no holds barred. So, if you’re a target of bullying and your bullies are continuously let off the hook, you’re a sitting duck!

Why? Because there are no limits to what your bullies can do to you and bullying always escalates if it’s left unchecked. And when someone bad is left unchecked, there’s no incentive to hide it, much less stop it.

And here’s another thing. It sets a precedent for everyone else, in that it will also encourage people who wouldn’t normally mistreat another person to jump on the bandwagon and bully you too. Naturally, when bystanders and witnesses see that the bullies are getting away with it, they will think that they will be let off the hook too and they will be encouraged to join in on the torment. It’s the science of group behavior.

Know that if you ever find yourself under these circumstances, you’re in a very dangerous situation and you must find a way to remove yourself from the environment before you sustain any further damage. It’s the only way you will ever regain your safety and peace of mind.

Extreme Bullying Disguised as Social Justice

 

Cancel culture started out with people calling out public figures, celebrities, and big companies for wrongdoing. It began gaining traction on Twitter and it was intended to call out offensive behavior and teach big-wigs a lesson anytime they made a racist or homophobic remark. However, it is now used as an excuse to cyber-bully and dox anyone for anything- anyone, including private citizens.

All that needs to happen is for someone either not to like or hate someone. Or maybe someone stands up to “the wrong person.” Maybe a person says something that someone else does not like or is taken the wrong way. Or maybe someone wears the wrong color T shirt.

Maybe the wrong person finds an old photograph from way back in 1983- a photograph of the person they hate dressed as Michael Jackson on Halloween. Whatever the perceived infraction, the target risks being cancelled, doxed, and having their lives ruined. This is indeed a dangerous world we live in today.

When cancel culture first got started in 2017 with the advent of trending hashtags, it was focused on calling out a person committing an infraction, even if they never meant to. All it took to get back into the good graces of the public was to issue a public apology and do better not to get out of line again. Once you made your apology, all was well, and you can get on with your life. But not so anymore.

Now, cancel culture is focused on destroying the lives of the person on the receiving end and a public apology no longer suffices. It’s a shame that human beings can no longer make mistakes without others ruining their lives over it.

Now, the cancel culture crowd cancels people in hopes that they can drive their targets to commit suicide. To me, that’s an indirect form of attempted murder.

Granted, some deserve to have their lives ruined- those who are pedophiles and those who promote child porn and human trafficking. But it seems awful strange that people who are known pedos and who promote such unspeakable things are never the ones who get cancelled. Now how is that? And, more importantly, why? I wonder.

Just a few days ago, I listened to a YouTube video of Stefan Molyneux. In the video, he stated that cancel culture was a dress rehearsal for mass murder. Up until I heard him speak, I never thought about it, but he certainly has a point.

His talk made me think back to when I studied history in school, and it brought back some of the lessons in that class. Yes, cancel culture did exist back in the early 20th century, only it had different names. It will only escalate if it isn’t stopped.

What happens when society gets bored with today’s cancel culture and decides that not even destroying someone’s life is enough and that they should start trying to kill them or have them killed?

Any type of bullying, including cancel culture, only escalates if it’s left unchecked. Cancel culture has happened down through history. Just do your research on Hitler’s Nazi Germany, Mussolini’s Fascist Italy, and the former Soviet Union. They are proof that cancel culture is a precedent to mass murder. We know that the last escalation point of bullying is always murder if the person doesn’t commit suicide first.

So, how bad does it have to get before people wake up and realize that they’ve only opened a Pandora’s box?

And when will people start cancelling those who deserve it- pedophiles and others who promote child porn and human trafficking?

As to why they don’t cancel them, could it be because of who a lot of the customers are? That some of the customers are some very popular and powerful people?

It sure makes you wonder why the very people who need to be cancelled are the ones who escape it.

I’ll leave you to ponder the questions in the post because they’re very important questions. Although critical thinking and asking questions are strongly discouraged today, it’s what’s needed in order to heal our world.

Ways Bullies Gaslight Their Targets

dreamstime_xs_149613534

Gaslight- to manipulate someone by psychological means into doubting their sanity.

Remember that bullying is all about domination and control. Once the bully selects a target and begins their reign of terror over the chosen victim, they will do everything possible to maintain that dominance. Also, understand that bullies get a huge psychological payoff at the victim’s expense. Abusing their targets gives bullies a rush of power and a sense of authority and control.

If there is a culture of bullying at a school or workplace, bullies are also rewarded with attention, high social status and promotions from others while the target suffers the opposite. And a bully will fight like crazy to keep those benefits should the victim speak out and shed light on the behavior.

dreamstime_xs_87970560

Once the victim sees the behavior for what it is and begins to assert their right to be treated fairly, bullies will become angry and afraid. They will see the target as a threat to their power and increase the harassment to subdue, silence and punish their victim.

Seasoned bullies maintain power by emotionally abusing, brainwashing, and psychological abuse to disempower the target and make themselves seem bigger and better than what they are. They use these methods because psycho/emotional bullying leaves no physical evidence and is much easier to deny.

They do this by convincing their target (and everyone else) that he/she is defective or no good, thereby stripping the victim’s confidence and self-esteem.

women with elongated nose - the concept of lying

women with elongated nose – the concept of lying

Here are ways bullies gaslight their targets:

1. Persistent lying
Bullies tell vague lies and trying to convince you that you are mentally unstable, less than, deserve the mistreatment, or that you’re somehow defective. Bullies will make statements to others such as,

“He’s a waste of space, and he needs to realize it already!”

“She’s such an embarrassment! How does she even show her face in public every day?”

“Who gives a #$% about his feelings! He doesn’t matter!”

“She brought it all on herself!”

dreamstime_xs_100921158

Bullies will also tell their targets things like:

“What are you smiling about? Nobody likes you! Remember?”

“I’m not bullying you! You’re just over-reacting!”

“You’re just being (paranoid, overly sensitive, a crybaby, etc.)! You need help!”

“Nobody’s mistreating you! You’re just playing the victim to look innocent to everyone else!

“You think you’re (smart, pretty, cute, tough, cool, etc.), don’t’ you! You’re nothing!”

“You’re so (arrogant, retarded, crazy, ugly, fat, skinny, etc.) nobody believes a word you say!”

I could go on and on.

dreamstime_xs_55265570

Bullies deliberately repeat these lies over and over again and for a long time to convince the target that they are right. Understand that this constant repetition has a purpose! To instill insecurity in the victim, wear them down and force him/her to resign themselves.

It serves to brainwash the target and force him/her to believe the bully’s lies. As a result, the target becomes riddled with confusion, social anxiety and shame. Eventually, the victim loses the ability to counter the attacks

You must realize that this is the bully’s strategy to render control and keep the target under their control and from rebelling against the abuse.

Bullying, friendship and people concept

Bullying, friendship and people concept. Girl patronizing screaming pointing finger at shy timid nerdy woman who is looking down

2. Wearing the Target Down and forcing him/her to agree with them.
Bullies continue to put the target down and marginalize them until he/she is so tired or afraid of defending against them that the person shuts down, grows numb to the abuse and surrenders to the bullies.

3. Become Highly Aggressive When the Target Calls Out the Abuse
Bullies may try to maintain their power by intensifying and escalating the attacks in addition to blaming and shaming the target. Understand that this is designed to subdue and further subjugate the victim by intimidation and to force him/her into silence and submission. It also allows the bully to escape accountability and to have a green light for continued and future attacks.

(More to come in Part 2…)