Sadly, hate is too easy for bullying targets to get sucked into. When people have treated you so horrifically for long enough, you lose faith in humanity. A person who is the object of bullying begins believing that all people are self-serving lowlifes who enjoy seeing other human beings suffer. They soon become the very people they’re suspicious of. I’ve been there.
Targets of bullying often feel that there is justification for their hate. However, does this intense loathing serve any purpose or have benefits? No!
No matter how some creep may have wronged you, never give in to hate. Regardless of how severely that person may have transgressed against you, do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to hate them because hate is poisonous! Not to the other person but to YOU!
1. Hate burns you up inside. It eats down into your very soul and prolongs feelings of hurt, depression, and downright misery.
2. Hate doesn’t hurt the person being hated. It hurts you because nine times out of ten, the person you hate either doesn’t know about it, or they don’t care.
3. Anytime you hold hate in your heart against anyone, you unwittingly give up any blessings. Also, you forego any opportunities, which would otherwise come your way. You instead invite negativity and evil into your world. Hatred causes you to forego your own happiness, and life is too short to be anything but happy.
4. While you are sitting around stewing over some idiot who has wronged you in the past, the same idiot is going about their merry way and not giving you so much as a thought.
Hate Serves You No Purpose
That’s right. While you are holding grudges and plotting ways to get back at them, that person is just getting on with life. The person who hurt you is not worried about you. They are not thinking about you. So why do you think about them? They are a complete waste of brain activity!
Hate, insecurity, grudges, anger- they are all garbage in your life that needs to be disposed of. It’s time to take out the trash and take back the peace and happiness that you not only deserve but have a divine right to.
You deserve to be happy. And the only way you will find happiness is to let go of any grudges and hate and replace them with love and acceptance. It is what I had to do before I could be happy.
To all my readers and blogger friends who are moms, this is your day and I wish you all a very happy mother’s day.
I would also like to thank the most amazing lady in my life, my mother. Up or down, thin or flush, she has stood by me and saved me from so many terrible things.
During my teen years, I made so many poor choices that when I look back today, I am truly surprised I’m still alive to talk about it and have no doubt it’s all because of her. I can only imagine the nights she sat up crying and praying for me back then. Although I did not appreciate her efforts back then and even snubbed them, my heart overflows with love and gratitude for my mom today.
I’ve got to tell you…it totally amazes me how she carried us through after Daddy left. She worked her fingers to the bone to make sure we had everything we needed and there wasn’t a Christmas nor birthday when we didn’t get exactly what we wished for. Even more amazing was that she was so savvy with money that she managed everything on her own with no child support, no handouts, no government assistance…nothing but hard work!
Mama carried such a heavy load. I remember the many evenings she would come home tired and worn from a hard day’s work, only to cook dinner and keep a good home for us. She worked from sun-up to sundown and as much as we wanted to help her out, she wouldn’t let us, preferring for us to use our time to study instead.
She worked long hours at a difficult job, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, yard-work…even fixed things around the house, the lawn mower and changed a tire on the side of the road when we had a flat on the way to school one morning. The many things she did were consider a man’s work. On top of all that were countless doctor’s and dentist’s appointments, Girl Scout meetings, trips to Grandma’s and family get-togethers. She did a job for both parents!
When I was seventeen years old, I made the decision that I was done with school and I was dropping out. Being exhausted from the daily bullying I had long endured, it was the only thing I felt I could do to preserve my sanity.
Although I knew that my mother would emphatically object to such a decision, I mustered up the courage to tell her during supper. I simply told her “I’m not going back.”
“What???” She asked, raising her voice.
“I’m not going back. I quit.” I told her.
“Like hell you’re not!” She objected.
I just shook my head.
“I’m not going, Mom! And that’s that!” I insisted.
“Oh, yes you are! You’ll go to school if I have to drag you there, kicking and screaming! You are NOT going to let them cause you to be some dumb dropout! I won’t allow it!” She demanded.
My mother and I bickered about it throughout the entire evening until I finally agreed to go.
Today, I thank my mother for holding firm. No matter what I threw at her, she didn’t back down and kept me from doing something, which could have had negatively affected my future. Because of her resolve, I went on to graduate and continue to an eventual college degree. I could never have done it without Mom. Although we had a turbulent relationship during those years, I now sing her praises every chance I get. I have nothing but honor and respect for her.
No matter how many disagreements we may have, nor how much we may fuss, I will always love her and be there for her, just as she has always been and always will be for me.
Mom, words can’t express how truly grateful I am for your patience and resilience. I’m who I am today because of you. Know that you are truly special in the eyes of not only your children, but so many others. Words nor actions can never tell you how much I love you! I could never be half the woman you are!
“Her children rise up and call her blessed” Proverbs 31:28
Females are hardwired to nurture, maintain, and enjoy relationships, whether they be friendships, family, or romantic relationships. With teenagers, although family relationships are still meaningful, it is mostly about having close relationships with friends and romantic relationships.
Therefore, if a young girl is not getting those wants and needs met through her peers at school or family at home, she may try a different route to meet her needs.
Sadly, some girls, particularly those who are targets of bullies, think that having a dating partner makes up for the lack of friends and positive relationships at school. I say this because, unfortunately, I was one of those girls with the same mindset. I leaned on dating and romance for comfort.
At the time, being in a romantic relationship felt like such a welcome change, like a soft pillow to land on during a fall. It seemed to buffer my self-esteem from the attacks and take the sting out of the torment I endured.
Having dating partners and suitors gave me a much-needed rebuttal to the daily degradation and humiliation brought on by classmates and a few sadistic teachers. It assured me that I was a great person and worthy of being loved. Male attention was a testament to my beauty and confirmation of my value as a young woman.
I looked to these guys to rescue me. They were my refuge from a cold, cruel world that hated me. Looking back now, I realize how needy I was back then. Around young guys who didn’t know me from school, I acted like a totally different person. I smiled, batted my eyelashes, and flirted my behind off to get their attention.
During school, because I had no real friends, I turned to grown men of late teens and early twenties to get the acceptance I wasn’t getting at school, from people my age. Although I was a gorgeous girl to look upon, bullies and their followers had destroyed my once-good name and with it, any prospects for dating and love among peers my age.
But by dating guys who were already out of high school, I was able to get around my trashed reputation and have opportunities for romance. These college-aged men had never met me, nor were they aware of the falsehoods and labels tied to my name.
I’m ashamed to say that, back then, I felt that my good looks and feminine wiles were the only things I had going for me, and often used them to get what I wanted. I thought I had to use trickery and charm to attain what most others seemed to come by easily and effortlessly. And thirty years ago, underage dating was more accepted than it is today.
I want you to understand that when a person is beaten down for so long, they grow afraid to ask for or pursue their wants and needs the right way. As a result, manipulation and deceit become a way of survival. Realize that this is a person who doesn’t need judgment; they get enough of that already. What they need is help.
For bullied victims, partners are a proverbial band-aid to their feelings of hurt and inadequacy that come with the onslaught of bullies. Sexual partners and activity are a means to feel loved, wanted, sexy, and beautiful. And it works, if only temporarily.
However, this is dangerous because it can easily lead to co-dependency. Relying on a dating partner for confirmation of worth is never good because the person eventually comes to believe that if he/she is not half of a couple, they are nothing and this kind of thinking is wrong.
This mindset only sprouts desperation, and there is no dignity in being desperate for a partner. No one should ever see a romantic relationship as the end all be all. They should never look outside of themselves for happiness. Men and women come and go, and if the person continues to depend solely on them for their fulfillment, they’ll be in for a huge disappointment.
When someone looks solely to a partner to validate them, it’s a sign that the person doesn’t know their worth as a young lady or young man. Potential dates can sense this, and are either repelled or see them as someone they can use and degrade.
The person risks attracting a predatory partner of low integrity, one who will hang around as long as it takes to get what they want before dumping them and leaving them devastated. Also, people of quality and integrity do not want a partner they have to fix or rescue, and if they sniff out the slightest bit of neediness, they will disappear, and fast!
If you are a bullied girl or boy, I can’t stress enough how important it is to fall in love with yourself and with life before you fall in love with anyone else. Love should come from within and never from the outside. A relationship doesn’t complete you, and just because a person has sex with you doesn’t mean that they love you.
You are just as beautiful and whole without a partner as you are with one. Just because you’re dateless doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Single doesn’t mean defective.
In the meantime, do plenty of deep soul searching and make positive affirmations daily. Count all your good qualities, talents, and gifts. Continuously remind yourself that you have value, and soon, you’ll start to believe it with your whole heart.
Be patient. Know that the right person will come into your life when you least expect it, and you aren’t looking for them. And when they do, they’ll be well worth the wait.
“They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” – Lou Holz
I’ve never read a truer quote than this. It touches me in ways I cannot explain because I do care about people and always have. Only in the early days, I didn’t know how to show it or maybe I was afraid to show it because it made me vulnerable. After all, I was suffering from a torrent of bullying and I was afraid that if I showed vulnerabilities, people would eat me alive.
This was wrong think.
I now realize that before you can help others, you must not only care about them, but let them know that you care. Now I could spout off about how much I’ve learned about bullying and the dark part of human nature, but all that knowledge is worth nothing if I don’t care about my fellow man.
And anyone who shares their knowledge and gives advice without caring for people are only spreading their wisdom for purposes of vanity and that’s not good.
You must care about people, especially those you’re trying to help, or your cause will fall flat. Knowledge without love and caring is dead.
By nature, children are happy and carefree. Their only responsibilities are to obey their parents and guardians and to complete homework and a few chores. Outside of those responsibilities, they engage in play and pretend, or they’re supposed to.
Bullying has a way of stealing everything that matters from you.
Bullying steals your happiness and takes the joy out of life.
It strips you of your confidence and self-esteem, and with them your sense of safety, security, and peace of mind.
Bullying takes away your dignity and respect, and with it your pride.
Bullying gags you, silencing your voice and overall ability to communicate.
It robs you of self-expression.
Bullying snatches away love and belonging.
It steals your ability to think for yourself and forge your own path in society.
After a while, it tires you out, wears you down, and zaps you of energy.
Bullying steals your childhood and causes you to grow up way to fast. It takes away your innocence and faith in humanity. If you’re a bullied adult, it takes away dignity, respect, and good-standing in a community.
In a nutshell, it robs you of power, of autonomy, and of freedom!
As with anything that is stolen, you can always get it back! And how you get it all back is by keeping company with those who love and uplift you, indulging in your hobbies, displaying your talents, focusing on your goals and dreams, and reciting affirmations every day! You also get it back by working on yourself. You do it by changing your thinking!
Here’s a quick note: I’ve found that when I focus on my goals and where I want to go in life, I don’t have time to focus on any bullying or negativity! Try it! You’ll love it!
I won’t lie to you. It will be tough, and it will take a while. But nothing worth anything is easy or quick. Right?
You’ll never get back the years they bullied you. But if you put in the inner work needed, you’ll eventually get back your confidence, your dignity and everything else they took from you.
I promise you! It’s worth it in the end and you’ll be so glad you were patient and put in the work!
Throughout my lifetime, I’ve known many women who seemed to pick shady and nasty characters to date. I’m talking about smart and beautiful women who you know can do better if they’d be a little more selective!
I’ve found that many of these women date no-count losers who don’t treat them well. I’ve seen their partners degrade these poor women and try to control them. Many of these partners are either broke, jobless, or working dead-end jobs.
Several of these bad partners and spouses are in and out of jail and who always have their women post bail for them. And this becomes a cycle. Even sadder is the fact that many of these smart and beautiful women either move in with or marry these losers, then end up having to keep these scrubs up!
These women will pay their partner’s bills and try to make life easier for them, only to be disrespected by them later.
Let me give you my opinion here. And this opinion may tick a lot of people off, but I’ll say it anyway.
Unless they are sick and can’t work, any significant other who lives off a woman or works and spends the money on themselves rather than contributing to the home is a sorry sack! That’s how I view them. Still, many smart, talented, and beautiful women end up with just the type.
It’s because many of these women have low self-esteem. They’re blind to their beauty, intelligence, and strength. They’re afraid of being alone and don’t think they can do any better than these worthless partners. So, these women take what they think they can get and settle for so much less than what they deserve.
Also, they think that they can change the person or that the person has “potential.” So, again, in order to keep from being alone, they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is just going through a rough patch and that, eventually, they’ll do better. This is wrong and ends up dragging the poor woman down too.
It happens all the time. Smart and beautiful women resort to dating beneath their own standards to ensure they have a partner. Understand that they have the attitude that “anything is better than being alone.” So, they’re willing to put up with shabby treatment, spend all their hard-earned money to keep these creeps out of jail and do without just to keep a romantic partner.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be alone than to put up with some lazy piece of crap who does nothing but keep me stressed out and broke. I can do bad all by myself! I don’t need help from some scumbag.
I realize that life can be tough and we all get down on our luck sometimes. It happens. So, if you have a partner who’s striving and has lost their job, by no means am I suggesting that you leave because things happen that are beyond our control. And chances are that a person who really wants to do better will eventually. But if your partner doesn’t bother to try, you may want to consider other options.
If you’re in either of these types of relationships, know that you owe it to yourself to leave and to be more selective. Know that you’re worth it and if the other person can’t get their act together, you have every right to show them the door.
The last thing you should do is to waste any more time with a partner who doesn’t value you or the good you bring to their life. So, don’t settle or continue a relationship with someone who only takes you for granted. Find someone who values and cherishes you. Don’t you think you’re worth it? I do.
Later, I will post about men who date toxic partners.
Bullies are fake. They have to be to instill fear in those around them. And they resent anyone content with themselves and comfortable in their own skin.
1. Most bullies are highly insecure– more insecure than others; people who are themselves are usually more charming, seductive, and graceful. An authentic person will captivate others without trying. Because of his openness and fluidity, he draws people to him like a magnet. And bullies are jealous of anyone who enjoys good relations with others.
Understand that not only are bullies insecure, but they’re also vain. Authentic people outshine them without even trying and just their presence alone makes the bullies appear less alluring and charismatic to others.
Avoid these vanity bullies like the plague because they will find a way to destroy you if you stay around them. These people will only force you to suppress your natural charm and goodness, so you won’t look like you’re better than them.
2. People who are themselves don’t have to make any effort because they are their natural selves. On the other hand, being fake requires a lot of work. There are also a lot of worries that go with it- worries that you might slip up and get your lies twisted, that you may accidentally expose yourself through your actions, and that your true personality will somehow seep through.
Bullies resent the fact that authentic people don’t have to work and worry as they do.
But no matter what these bullies may throw at you, never be afraid to be yourself. Never hide anything about you. Because if you do, you’ll only lose a bit of yourself each time you put on an act until you lose yourself entirely.
To be fake, you have to work too hard. I’m too lazy for that. And so is anyone who prefers to be themselves.
Targets and many survivors of bullying have self-esteems that have been repeatedly injured, and when one’s self-esteem is injured, sometimes they will have trouble making friends and attracting suitors for dates and romance.
This can be because of two things, the person either becomes angry because they feel they were judged unfairly, or they resign themselves as social failures and withdraw.
The anger helps to protect the target’s self-esteem. Moreover, the target’s anger is heightened due to having been programmed by bad life experiences to sometimes mistake comments for insults.
If it’s constructive criticism, the target may wonder if the person doing the criticizing is trying to help them or only trying to show them that they’re smarter or implying that he (the target) is stupid.
Many targets are bullied for so long that their social development has been stunted. Therefore, many targets and survivors may be successful in everything except relationships with others. This is because they’ve been made to believe that they’re unlovable and thus, don’t trust anyone else when they show them affection and profess love.
These people only see other people’s attempts at love and friendship as manipulation because it’s what they’ve come to expect.
Many targets and survivors of bullying are often looked at as standoffish, stuck-up, or snobbish because they feel safer keeping other people at arm’s length. Because of this arm’s-length approach to social situations, people see the target or survivor of bullying as being wrapped up in themselves when, in fact, they’re insecure because of mistreatment they endure.
The unspoken message from the person is “don’t get too close” and it comes from their fear of being rejected, hurt, and worse- bullied again. So, they put on a cool front to hide their nervousness.
On top of being bullied by peers, many targets and survivors have or have had a parent overcriticize and belittle them, which only doubles the insecurity. So, they find it much safer to overprotect themselves and build a wall to keep potential enemies out. They go out of their way to avoid exposing themselves to rejection, and thus, appear to others as cold and detached.
Like anyone else, targets and survivors desire love, and they have a bigger desire for it than most. However, their intense fear of being bullied blocks them from getting that love because to get love requires a degree of vulnerability.
Being able to enjoy friendship, love, and affection means letting down your guard and taking risks. Sadly, many targets and survivors are too afraid to lower their defenses.
If this post describes you, I want you to know that I completely understand because I’ve been right where you are now. However, I can’t stress enough the importance and necessity of putting yourself out there and taking the risk.
To see positive change, you must shed this protective armor if you want to attain the friendship and love you so desire. Because the self-protective measures that you have taken are exactly what is repelling others and keeping you isolated. Being aloof and distant may indeed feel safe, but it’s also self-defeating because it keeps love out.
So, step out in faith and I promise you that you will see change you never thought possible. You’ll have good friends who will love you for simply being you. Hey! It happened for me and it will happen for you too!