Bullies are control freaks. Period. Full stop! And control freaks will instill fear in you, but only if you allow them to. How I wish I knew this years ago when I was in school- that most of my classmates were control freaks.
Moreover, there were times, I hate to admit, that I felt I had to comply or tell them what they wanted to hear to keep them from physically attacking me.
Getting older allows one to understand that giving value to a person’s opinions because, “you’ll make them mad” or “they’ll kick your butt,” “leave you,” or “won’t be your friend anymore,” is, straight up manipulation.
When you care about the opinions of these creeps, you only do so out of fear. You only value their opinions because you don’t want to endure the pain and misery that these people can cause you.
Bullies Will Use What Works to Manipulate You
Therefore, you acquiesce. Sadly, after you surrender a few times, they see that their brutal techniques are working. And once they catch onto what works, they’ll use that to get you to give them want they want.
But know this! Anytime bullies make a habit of using fear-tactics on you, deep down, they’re way more afraid of you than you are of them.
I know this sounds silly. But it’s true. Bullies (or control freaks) control you out of a deep-seated fear. Only they would never in this lifetime admit it. They’re afraid of something happening if they ever relinquish control. They’re scared of an end result they may not be able to handle.
Again, control freaks control others out of fear. And once you know this, these people will no longer have the effect on you that they do. And it will be much easier to blow them off.
Bullying and gaslighting do not just happen to individuals in a school, workplace or community. It happens to entire nations and populations.
Lately, I’ve been hearing the term, “toxic masculinity” and truthfully, it is a term used to gaslight the masses into believing that all men who assume what is considered a strong, masculine role in society are bad people. This painted up, intellectual sounding term is also used to guilt men into toning down their masculinity or manliness.
It brainwashes many men into shirking their responsibilities. In short, the Radical feminists on the Left use the term to weaken the men of the free world ever-so-subtly. “Toxic Masculinity” is such a divisive and mendacious term designed to bait people into hating and resenting men who are awesome leaders in their churches, communities, and those who are father-figures.
Newborn baby booties in parents hands. Pregnant woman belly.
In no way, shape, or form am I suggesting that toxic men don’t exist because they do. Sure, there are men who are abusive to their partners and families. But to make out that all men are toxic is, in and of itself, sexist, unfair, and ignorant.
There are great men in the West and, believe me, these men look down on and despise the toxic men who are abusive to women and to their families. An abusive man is not a real man and there are abusive women as well.
Allow me to break it down and tell you what the goal behind the use of this “toxic” term really is:
To kill anything, you must cut off the head.
Men are ordained by God to be the head of the family and household. A good, responsible, hard-working man is the rock of the family. Not only does he keep order in the family, but he also provides for and protects them. This is how humanity has survived for thousands of years.
Take the man (the head) out of the family and you weaken the entire family! And to weaken an entire country or civilization, you start with weakening the family unit. It’s a process that happens so slowly and in such tiny bites that you won’t even know what’s happening until after it’s gotten so far out of control.
Everything starts with the family unit and ripples outward over time. Over decades, we have, ever-so-slowly and subtly, normalized divorce and single parenthood.
You normalize laziness in men.
You normalize parents giving their sons everything and take away their incentive to work for a living.
You encourage men to became more feminized.
You mass-incarcerate men (especially black men) for the most trivial of offenses to take them away from, and ultimately weaken their families!
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Understand that I’m not judging anyone who is divorced or is single and raising a family. My mother was divorced and a single parent as was I for a few years. For one parent to do a job for two parents is hard as hell and I salute all the single parents out there.
The point I’m making is this: Many of us are now recognizing a system which is out to destroy us. What has slowly unfolded over several decades only weakens the male population of The West and that’s what the Left and countries like China (yep! I said it!) want in order to destroy Western Civilization- freedom.
As I mentioned earlier, the best way to destroy a civilization is through the family unit and the best way to destroy the family unit is to take out the head of the family or simply, the father and any future fathers, by weakening them.
If this isn’t a form of bullying, I don’t know what is. To weaken someone or a group of people is to reduce or take away their personal power- to create an imbalance of power for the purpose of wussifying a population so that the corruptors- the biggest bullies of the world- can take control, dominate, and bully at will.
I love a good, strong, chivalrous man who is able to lead with love. I love it when my husband opens doors for me and pulls out my chair! He protects me and provides for me. And he loves me. So, I want him to take his place as the head of the household and would expect nothing less of him.
To bullies, everything is all about appearances. They work hard every day to put on the best and most convincing fronts. It’s what they’re best at.
Bullies are some of the dumbest, most incompetent people on the face of the earth, yet they’re talented at making themselves look intelligent. They make themselves look bigger, better, and more important than they truly are. They always have an image to keep up. But that image is false.
Truth shatters that image and lays bare their imperfections. Confront them with the truth about themselves, and that facade immediately melts away, and those true colors bleed through.
The truth hurts, and it’s maddening. Anytime bullies are confronted with the reality of who they are, they become enraged, going from zero to one hundred in a split second. Instant bitch mode is activated, and all hell breaks loose.
But this is a typical reaction from bullies. Their overinflated egos can’t handle being wrong and someone calling it out. It’s as if you hold a mirror up to them and show them their naked reflections and all the stretch marks, cellulite, and bumps of fat they’ve for so long kept hidden from the rest of the world.
When another person addresses a bully’s bad behavior, especially in front of an audience, they immediately bristle. They will deny it; they will fight it, but they can’t escape it.
DARVO is just another term for gaslighting but is more in-depth. Bullies will discredit the victim by discrediting the claims.
DARVO is an acronym that stands for:
D – Deny – Anytime the target calls out their bullies’ abuse, the bullies will first deny the behavior. Bullies will counter with things like,
“That’s not what I said.”
“That never happened.”
“That’s not what I did.”
Or, they may not necessarily deny it, but may minimize their behavior by saying things like:
“It wasn’t that serious.”
“I didn’t hit you that hard. That was a love-pat compared to what I could’ve done to you.”
“If I was mad, you’d know it.”
A – Attack – Next, the bullies will attack you. They will discredit you by discrediting your claims. Also, bullies will use gaslighting to make you question or doubt yourself. And they will say to you, things like:
“But you’re just looking for a fight.”
“You’re a drama queen.”
“You’re being paranoid.”
“But you’re being difficult.”
“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
“You just won’t leave well enough alone.”
R – Reverse
V – Victim
O – Offender – The bullies will blame you for their behavior. They’ll claim that you did something to them to make them act the way they acted. Therefore, your bullies will make statements such as:
“It’s your fault.”
“You asked for it.”
“But you had it coming.”
“You made me hurt you.”
“You’re the bully, not me!”
I want you to know that DARVO has been around since the beginning of time, only today, it has a name. Down through history, it’s been the most common manipulation tactic of psychological abusers. Only 24 years ago did someone put a name to it! DARVO came from the work of psychologist Jennifer Freyd, PhD, who first introduced the term in late 1997.
If someone wants to harm you, they don’t have to come out and tell you. Just the same, if they want you gone, they needn’t tell you to “get the hell out.”
All they must do is glare at you and hope they can either intimidate you into leaving, or make you think you’re about to get hurt. In a case like this, the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. Worse even, others might feel the animosity between you and personal history may ruin an otherwise good day.
So, you’re a target and you’re at a party or get-together, and suddenly, you see your bully across the room. Your eyes lock and she sends you a threatening glare. She is giving you the message that she intends to make your day a really bad one. You have choices. Either you can turn tail and run, or you can spend the rest of the day avoiding the bully.
Again, how you handle it is your choice.
But wait! Here’s another choice- a better choice! You can smile at the bully, nod your head, then turn your back to her. If you want to be a smart alick, add a wave.
Therefore, you will non-verbally send your own message back to your bully, one that is very clear. You signal that she doesn’t scare you and that you have no intentions of running. Instead, you intend to stay and enjoy yourself with the other people at the shindig. And you will do this whether the bully likes it or not.
Ouch! This is not the response your bully expected!
In that, you’ve responded to the bully without being aggressive or capitulating to their silent demands that you either cower or leave.
Understand that bullies use nonverbal means to not only send you a cruel message, but also to make their bullying less obvious to anyone else but you. Therefore, it’s better not to respond to nonverbal bullying with words. Instead, reflect your own nonverbals back to the bully that signal that you aren’t afraid of her.
Again, nonverbal bullying requires a response that is also nonverbal. And your response should say that you will not cower or run. Instead, you will stick around, ignore the bully, and do your thing.
A compliment comes from the heart and is truthful. Also, compliments are earned. They’re reserved for people who deserve them. Compliments are given to praise someone for an accomplishment. They are an acknowledgement for a good deed, or a job well done.
Flattery, on the other hand, is used for self-servitude. It is insincere, deceptive, and can be an insult to the recipient. Because, again, it is strictly used for usery and selfish purposes. Flattery and insincere compliments are both the same.
Therefore, bullies never pay sincere compliments, especially to their targets. However, they will use flattery to butter their targets up all for the purpose of manipulating and exploiting them. Bullies may also use flattery as a form of subtle sarcasm. And if the target happens to be gullible, he may confuse it for genuine compliments. Bullies will then watch the target’s face light up with overexcitement, then laugh later.
Remember that many targets of bullying are often thirsty for any sign of approval and praise because they don’t get enough of it, if any at all. Therefore, anything that even looks like approval, they’ll be excited to receive, even overly so.
So, how can you tell the difference between fake flattery and a sincere compliment?
Simple. You can tell by the kind of relationship you have with the person giving you the compliment. In other words, if the person giving you the compliment is a bully who normally mistreats you, then you can be sure that it’s flattery. And the compliment is fake, phony, and false.
I can’t stress this enough. Never take seriously any “compliment” you receive from a bully. When a bully is suddenly nice to you and gives compliments, it is clearly to manipulate you. A bully who gives you a compliment is only flattering you. They are looking for an eventual payoff, be it psychological or otherwise.
In contrast, if the person is a true friend or family member, someone who loves you and has never intentionally harmed you, you know that the compliment is for real. Even if the praise comes from a total stranger, it would be more acceptable than if it came from a bully. Still, even with strangers, you should be gracious, but cautious because they haven’t established a relationship with you yet.
Make Sure Your Own Compliments are Sincere
Just the same, if you are the one making the compliment, make sure the person you compliment is a close friend or family member. In other words, make sure that person damn well deserves it from you and that they’ve done something that warrants it.
Understand that most people know their strengths and weaknesses. And if you give them a false accolade on something they know they aren’t good at, they will know that you’re lying to them. Also, they will wonder what ulterior motives you have in giving them such a fake compliment. Moreover, you can easily lose respect for it.
And last and most importantly, never compliment a bully! Ever!
Bullies get their behinds kissed all the time and it’s exactly how they’ll perceive it.
You will be giving the bully a juicy opportunity to turn it against you and steamroll you with it.
Bullies are the last people who deserve praise. Never give anyone anything they haven’t earned.
Follow these three rules and I promise you that your value will go up tremendously. It may not seem so, but it will.
One thing I’m certain of is that every person, who has ever been a target of bullying, has at some point asked either themselves or another person these questions:“Why am I always to blame?” and “Why do my tormentors often get away with tormenting me?”
Here are the answers, and there are many:
1. Bullies are very convincing liars. Bullies have been lying and covering up bad behavior all of their lives. They have been doing this for long enough that they have learned what works and what does not work. They are master manipulators, skilled in the art of deception.
Bullies are also very good at rationalizing and justifying their unacceptable behavior. They are wordsmiths and con artists, who often use charm to deceive those in authority.
2. Bullies often use projection. They project all their faults and shortcomings onto their targets, making the target look like the bully and themselves look like the victim. When faced with possible accountability for their evil actions, they often cry and feign victimhood. This tactic is usually employed by female bullies.
3. Bullies are very charming to the right people, which can be used as another weapon against a target. Bullies seem to emit an oozing charm. Because of this, they had a way of winning people over and making them their allies.
A good reputation can be used as a weapon against any target because, with this good name, the bully has everyone (except the target) fooled. Others cannot believe that “this sweet, innocent, pretty little girl” would harm anyone. Take a look at the outgoing guy that everyone loves.
No one is going to believe that this “fine young man” would ever beat up a smaller boy unless he was provoked.
4. Because this person has so many friends who cherish them. Even if these friends did witness them undertake any wrongdoing, they will still more than likely cover-up for the bully out of loyalty and place the blame on the target.
5. There is strength in numbers Most bullies have a large number of friends behind them. And people in large numbers can have a cumulative power that can be overwhelming even for the greatest, toughest, strongest, most intelligent individuals. To put it plainly, if enough people are against a person, that person is powerless, no matter how strong, smart, beautiful, or easy-going they may be.
6. Bullies use gaslighting- adding their own spin to make you look and feel like the villain or by laying guilt trips- trying to convince you that you are at fault or that the abuse is just your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.
7. Bullies malign you to others to destroy your good name and credibility: They recruit followers and start a campaign of hate and viciousness against you by way of rumors, lies, and trying to turn your friends against you. This occurred to me regularly in school, and it would happen as retaliation for my having the gall to stand up to them and assert my God-given, divine right not to be abused or taken advantage of.
There were several different benefits from the execution of this strategy.
1. It could be used to protect one another from being labeled by a teacher and getting a bad reputation. Most who have been in school have a least gotten into two fights, which sounds perfectly normal.
2. Destroying the target’s name with the staff would lessen any chances of him being listened to, should the target run and “tattle” to members of the authority. Again, protecting them from discipline at school and allowing them the freedom to do whatever they want to the target whenever they feel like it.
3. It’s used to silence the target and make him/her afraid to report the bullying or speak out about it.
Schoolboy angel with wings and halo concept for being clever, good, successful in education or smug
Targets get the blame because, sadly, the attitudes of most bystanders and members of authority are these:
“Why would so many kids have it in for her if she’s not provoking them somehow?”
“Nobody likes him, so there has to be a reason that justifies it.”
After all, who will look any further than the child with the worst reputation anytime a confrontation arises? If people expect trouble to come from a certain place, that is where they’re going to look.
It is all designed to manipulate school staff and save the bullies’ behinds from having to face repercussions and, therefore, leaves an opening for further bullying later on.
Targets not only need the confidence to fight to bully but also the knowledge of bullies. The first step of defense is knowing the mindsets and intentions of bullies and the tactics they use.
What does it mean when bullies bully openly? When they no longer try to hide their hatred, abuse, and brutality from not only you but everyone else around? When your bullies bully you in plain sight, out in the open, in front of not only your peers, but also your teachers, principal, supervisors, or managers?
It means that you’re seeing a very bad sign- that the people in positions of power- those you would expect to act, have no intentions of holding your bullies accountable. What also means is that they have no intentions of helping or protecting you. Even worse, it means that the abuse has escalated to a very dangerous level.
People are only emboldened and get cocky and full of themselves when they know there’s no accountability for wrongdoing. Therefore, the bullies’ actions and arrogance only send unspoken messages to their targets which are as follows:
“We can do whatever we want and there’s nothing anyone can do.”
“Who’s going to stop us.”
“Who’s going to help you. You’re ours now.”
I can guarantee that if bullies thought they would be held responsible, they would try their level best to hide their evil or avoid doing it altogether. No one wants to have to answer for anything and they definitely don’t want the shame and humiliation that comes with it. So, naturally they either wouldn’t do the bad deeds at all, or they would only do their dirt behind closed doors.
guilt concept – unhappy young sporty man showing his throat with gun-like hands for sign of low self-esteem, textured effects
Whereas, after people have gotten away with hurting another person a few times, they naturally catch on that there are no repercussions, no shame, nor humiliation. And once there’s complete impunity and therefore, immunity, it’s no holds barred. So, if you’re a target of bullying and your bullies are continuously let off the hook, you’re a sitting duck!
Why? Because there are no limits to what your bullies can do to you and bullying always escalates if it’s left unchecked. And when someone bad is left unchecked, there’s no incentive to hide it, much less stop it.
And here’s another thing. It sets a precedent for everyone else, in that it will also encourage people who wouldn’t normally mistreat another person to jump on the bandwagon and bully you too. Naturally, when bystanders and witnesses see that the bullies are getting away with it, they will think that they will be let off the hook too and they will be encouraged to join in on the torment. It’s the science of group behavior.
Know that if you ever find yourself under these circumstances, you’re in a very dangerous situation and you must find a way to remove yourself from the environment before you sustain any further damage. It’s the only way you will ever regain your safety and peace of mind.
You know what I’m talking about. People who treated you like garbage in the past then suddenly, just up and decide that you’re the best thing since sliced bread? Yup! Those!
They’ll gush over you and pour on the compliments, and man! Do they lay it on thick! These people tell you how wonderful you are and that they got you all wrong and misjudged you. They’ll show you excessive attention and laugh at your jokes with their counterfeit laughs. Yet, your internal alarm is going off in the pit of your gut because something feels “off” about these little encounters.
These bullies act so sappy, stand a little too close, and gush over your small wins and accomplishments. They seem to latch on to you like a tick to a dog.
I’ve had bullies do the same to me in the past, and when they did, my first thought was, “Ewww,” “Yuck,” or any other utterance of total disgust. It was downright sickening, and as hard as it was not to look them in the eye and say, “Okay. What do you want,” I only humored them for a while.
But sooner or later, they got careless and stupid. The bullies ended up showing their cards without realizing it until it was too late. I’d say something that rubbed them the wrong way or have a belief they didn’t share. Then, all hell broke loose.
Isn’t it funny when bullies let their emotions tell the truth about them?
The point is that the nice act doesn’t mask evil intentions. Ever. Bullies will try it, but they end up giving themselves away eventually. But there’s more. Before they give themselves away, you can often tell that something isn’t right. You can hear the fakery in their voices, and you know they’re trying a little too hard to sound convincing. It’s as if they aren’t only trying to convince you; they’re also trying to convince themselves!
My advice is to get away from these people. Fast! Because they’re up to something. You might not know what that “something” is, but for your safety, ditch these fools and have nothing to do with them. If something feels wrong, listen closely. Your instinct never lies.
Ha! And they call us hypersensitive. Oh yes! Bullies will accuse their targets of being what they themselves are, “too sensitive.”
But have you noticed how they explode in anger and indignation after the smallest of perceived slights? Or how bullies (particularly female bullies) will be the ones who dissolve into a puddle of tears if someone even looks at them cross-ways, or says something hurtful to them? Or worse, they get held accountable for their bad behavior? I saw this happen at school on several occasions and I’ve got to admit, it was hilarious!
In truth, bullies have the sensitivity of the princess in the classic, “The Princess and the Pea.” They bruise so easily.
The double-standard is clear. Bullies feel intense resentment when targets speak out about their abuse. All the while, bullies feel entitled to do things that are a thousand times worse, not to mention, unspeakable, to the target.
But we are not supposed to talk about that. Right?
Actions speak louder than words. And we must learn to rely less on words and more on other’s actions and behavior to get the answers to any questions we have about bullies, abusers, or anyone who does not have our best interests in mind.