Tag: standing up to bullies

When Fighting Is The Only Alternative You Have

Leave a comment

Many times throughout my life, I’ve heard people preach against fighting- and yes, even in self-defense. When I was being bullied- even physically so, I was often told by teachers and even the bullies themselves, “Violence doesn’t solve anything.”  Or, my personal favorite, “fighting isn’t lady-like.”

I’ve got news for these people- neither is getting your face beat in every day.

Be that as it may, fighting back was better than just standing there and taking the beatings. When you’re a target of bullying and you decide to stand up for yourself, there will be people who will climb up on their soapbox and insert their two cents where it doesn’t belong, telling you that “violence doesn’t solve anything,” and that “you shouldn’t stoop to their (the bullies’) level.”

You’ve heard the term, “All up in your Kool-Aid, and don’t know the flavor.” Yep! That’s where they’ll will be when you get enough of bullying and decide once and for all to take care of business.

However, what else do you do if you’re a kid at school getting their brains beat out every other day? Just stand there and allow yourself to be harmed over and over again?

All the time, targets get suspended or expelled from school when they finally defend themselves against a bully. After six months, eight months, two years, or even five years of being mercilessly bullied and trying to handle it through nonviolent means, only to be called a wuss and beat up more, the target finally gets fed up and beats the living crap out of a bully.

Now everyone’s surprised and outraged! Not at the bully, but at the target! But where was their outrage when the target was getting their body pummeled without provocation? Where was their outrage when the shoe was on the other foot? Where was their humanity when the target cried out for help?

If you’re in school and you’re a target of bully. These questions are those you should ask the school authorities, bystanders, and anyone who gets offended by your defending yourself. Know that you’re just as good as the next person. Know that you have the same rights as anyone else- including your bullies. And know that you have the right to defend yourself anytime you’re threatened with physical harm.

Understand that this is a part of self-care. It’s true that fighting isn’t always the answer but sometimes, bullies will leave you no other choice.

So, if you’ve tried everything else, know that you must do what you must to keep yourself safe. And if it means putting up your dukes and getting froggy, so be it.

It’s sad when a target must fight all the time to keep themselves from being harmed but I don’t hold it against anyone who fights back under those circumstances because you have to take care of yourself or no one else will.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

2 Ways Bullies Search for and Groom Potential Targets

Leave a comment

When bullies search for targets to bully and think they’ve spotted a potential, they will groom the potential target to test the waters and see if the person is an easy target. They groom you before the actual bullying starts.

The grooming techniques may occur only once or numerous times. So, how do bullies groom targets? They do it by deliberately using subtle behaviors to see how the person reacts. They will then cunningly and ever-so-carefully observe every word the target says and everything he/she does to assess whether they’re the right person with whom to toy with and establish a bullying dynamic.

Bullies prefer those who have low self-esteem and who are afraid of conflict because it is those people who have difficulty asserting themselves and standing up to bullying behavior.

Portrait of young Asian man making telescope gesture with his hands, shocked surprised gesture, looking far away concept

When bullies groom a potential target, their behavior toward the person can be either subtle and confusing or direct and obvious. But however the behavior presents itself, the bully has only one goal- to closely observe how the PT (potential target) reacts.

When bullies decide whether the PT is the right person to target for bullying and abuse, they use these criteria:

1. How the PT responds to their behavior.

2. Whether they respond confidently or uncomfortably.

3. Whether the PT sends back a clear message that they’re not intimidated nor confused and that they can take care of themselves.

For example, a kid is new at the school. A few classmates shove him or subtly insult him, then watch and assess him closely to see what his reaction will be. If the PT catches the attack and calls it out confidently, letting the bullies know that he’s onto them and that he won’t hesitate to defend himself, it’s likely that the bullies will leave him alone and go search for another target.

But if the PT gets confused or intimidated, chances are likely that the bullies will select him to bully because they’ll get the message that he’s afraid of them. Also, if the PT ignores the subtle digs and says nothing, the bullies may assume that he’s afraid and will also select him as a target. If the subtle behavior goes over the PT’s head, the bullies will also continue to bully him because they’ll sense the PT didn’t understand what they were saying or doing to him.

Bullies are like sharks who search for any sign of prey and the way sharks spot prey is to smell blood in the water. Your confusion, fear, self-guilt, and timidity are to bullies as blood is to sharks, signaling that you’re ripe for abuse.

So how exactly do bullies groom you if they see you as a potential?

1. They use dismissive, coercive, or aggressive behavior against them without warning. This is designed to throw you off-balance make you feel threatened. What the bullies want is for you to be stunned into silence or to acquiesce. And if they’re successful in throwing you off and intimidating you, their assessment of you will be that it’s safe to undermine your confidence, intelligence, abilities, and reputation.

2. They turn hot and cold toward you. They will be warm and friendly to you one day, then vicious and hostile towards you the next. You’ll never know when you’ll get the friendly version of these people or the hostile and hateful version.

You won’t know what to expect from these people and you’ll feel as if you must tip toe around them. They’ll have you walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Again, this is well-thought out in advance, and it’s designed to bewilder and confuse you. They want you to be stunned and they want you to be flabbergasted!

And once you’re off-balance and unsure of yourself, the bullies gain the upper hand. But if you respond angrily then the bullies will come back and escalate the altercation and use your angry response to paint you as the villain. That’s why you should avoid responding in anger.

Understand that the surprise attack is put together in such a way that you don’t take the initiative because the bullies want you to think that you’re somehow at fault. They want to make you feel responsible for their atrocious behavior. You’re not. So, don’t accept it because they’ll only use this as an opportunity to take away your personal power and wrest complete control over you.

This is a very manipulative trick they’re pulling on you to back you into a psychological corner. It’s to make you feel powerless and that you don’t have any other choice but to take their crap. And the more powerless you feel, the better the bullies feel because they want to establish that bully/target relationship with you, where you accept their bullying and abuse. These bullies want you to accept it to such an extent that you think you deserve it.

You don’t deserve it. No one deserves to be bullied and you have every right to stand up to them if they get out of line with you. And knowing this information is your first step in having the confidence to stand up to these people.

If you ever find that you’re being groomed and assessed for bullying, now is the time to assert your right to be safe and not to be attacked. Don’t wait. Now is the time to stand up to them because, if you wait, the bullies will quickly become comfortable with violating you and by then, it will be much harder to stand up to them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Life is Too Short

Leave a comment

(Photo credit: Melissa Johnson)

As you already know, last night marked the one-month anniversary of the Quad-State Tornado and upwards of 100 people lost their lives that night as the twister trekked a 160-mile-long path of devastation. The tornado went by just 15-20 miles northeast of my neighborhood and I realize that any town could be hit, including my town and if the storm had originated just 15-20 more miles southwest than it did, we would have been hit.

When something like this happens, it really makes you think and take stock.

And sadly, tragedies such as this drive home such a harsh and cruel truth- life is too short!

Why do I bring this up? It’s because I’ve known too many people who spent their lives under the bootheels of bullies. They spent their entire lives taking abuse and feeling powerless. They spent their lives never knowing the enormous power they had and could’ve used.

They spend a lifetime taking other people’s crap- being used as a dumping ground for the negative emotions and feelings of others- for other people’s anger, jealousy, feelings of insecurity and self-loathing.

They spent their time on Earth never truly knowing their worth and the value they brought to this world and the lives of others. They never knew their own strength and power. Saddest of all, they died before ever knowing the feeling of happiness nor reaching their full potential.

Why?

Because they were never taught to love themselves and that they deserved better. Instead, they were kept blindfolded to their own beauty and importance.

Realize that life is only a one-shot deal. You only get one turn at it. This is why you most make it your best life possible and that means getting rid of the people who subtract from your life instead of adding to it. It means walking away from those who diminish you instead of enhancing you.

Life’s much too short to spend being someone else’s doormat.

It’s time to take back your personal power.

It’s time to take back ownership of your life.

You own your life and you’re the only person who must live it. Your life is yours to live and yours to enjoy.

It’s true that you can’t control how other people behave toward you, but you have full control over whether you allow them to stick around. In other words, if another person crosses a line with you, you damn sure have the power to kick their sorry butts to the curb and keep it moving.

You are more powerful than you know. If you want to make the rest of your life the best of your life, the time is now. Because none of us are promised tomorrow.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Having and Setting Boundaries is a Must!

33 Comments

Girl sitting on the ground and drawing personal space. Selective focus

You must have the courage to love yourself, even when it angers the people around you. That means setting boundaries, being clear on what you will and will not tolerate.

During grade 6, my first year at Oakley* Schools, I lacked boundaries because I didn’t know how to enforce them. Without those limits, I gave away my friendship, time, energy, and power to people who never deserved it and left nothing for myself. I was bending over backward to please others, treading lightly, being careful not to rock the boat, and make other people angry.

I had been conditioned to think that I wasn’t enough, and I should be anything other than myself. And I thought that being friendly, being accommodating, and being available would win me love and friendship.

boundaries no refuse stop

It didn’t. It got me the exact opposite- walked over, bullied, and mistaken for a fool because the people I was overly friendly to never extended the same to me in return. Without meaning to, I gave the impression that I was desperate to fit in.

A year or so later, during the seventh grade, I began setting boundaries because I was tired of being a doormat. However, first impressions are powerful and it was too late. The power dynamic and others’ expectations of me had already been set. What I should’ve done was drew the line from day one.

In junior high, although my boundaries were clear, many others violated them every chance they got for no other reason than to demonstrate their power and show who was boss. Anytime I said ‘no’ to any of my classmates at school, I would face retaliation of some kind- guilt trips, threats, or physical beatings because they had grown too used to me being a pushover.

They were afraid that if I developed a spine, the benefits they were getting at my expense would stop. Therefore, the retaliation was their way of reinforcing their power and dominance and keeping me subdued.

But now that we’re all adults, let any of them try that today, and they will be very disappointed. Back then, I often wondered why nothing ever seemed to work out.

Understand that timing is everything. Also realize that you already have power but for it to work, you must know how to use it and you must stand up for yourself the very first time bullies come for you. Otherwise, your place in the pecking order will become iron clad and once that happens, you might as well not have any power at all.

I didn’t realize it then, but during those early years in Oakley*, I was going about it all wrong. ‘You see? You must put yourself and your needs first. Never lower your standards or your boundaries! It’s okay to be kind, but never be nice!

say no saying no boundaries stop

The difference between being kind and being nice is that kindness is genuine. People are kind because it’s the right thing to do, not because it can win friendships or favors. Also, kind people never give at their own expense.

Nice people, on the other hand, want friendship and approval. Also, people who are nice give at their own peril and stick their neck out for others to step on, thinking others will come around when they realize how much they care. “Nicies” are under the impression that the more you suffer, the more it shows you care. Um- Wrong!

It gives the impression that you’re a pushover, a kiss butt, a boot-licker! Being nice never awards you any respect because there’s usually an ulterior motive and the reason for your niceness is to avoid conflict!

Being kind, on the other hand, is genuine and others can sense the genuineness. Being kind is much more respectful. Being ‘nice’ is for wimps.

Nope refuse

Understand that anytime you set boundaries, there will always be those who will hate you for it and retaliate. And they will fight you for a while to wear you down. That’s what bullies do!

However, stick to your guns. Keep fighting for your right to be treated with respect. Show them that you will stand up to them no matter what they do, and eventually, they’ll get tired and realize that you aren’t worth the effort. They’ll go find an easier target.

So, always set limits and be prepared to fight to protect them. Be kind, yes! But if people start taking your kindness for being a fool and treating you like crap, don’t be afraid to tell these people to kiss off!

Being kind to others means being kind to yourself first.

*Not the real name of the town

You Don’t Need to Explain Yourself to a Bully

8 Comments

Why? Because bullies don’t care what your reasons are. The only reason they blame you for something and try to bait you into explaining yourself is the psychological payoff they get from it. The psychological payoffs, being satisfaction, gratification, and a massive rush of power.

While you’re standing there wasting your breath, trying to convince the bully that you aren’t guilty of whatever it is that they’re accusing you or attacking you for, the bullies are mentally smirking and patting themselves (and each other) on the backs over how easily they’ve got you to react, how easily they can scare you and make you nervous, and get you all up in arms. Some things don’t need an explanation.

Here are more reasons why you shouldn’t explain yourself to a bully:

1. No matter what you say, how calm you are when you say it, how convincing you may sound, or how much evidence you may have to support you, bullies will never believe you anyway.

2. Understand that bullies only believe whatever feels right, useful, and convenient for them.

3. They aren’t interested in evidence or facts. Any facts may only deter them for the time being, but believe me when I tell you. Your bullies will only get angrier at you for having the gall to prove them wrong. Then, they’ll regroup, reorganize, then come back at you with a whole new accusation and demand yet another explanation later.

Understand that anytime bullies accuse you of wrongdoing that you neither committed nor know anything about, deep inside, they already know you’re innocent.

They are fully aware that you had nothing to do with the transgression. Realize that it’s only a trap to get you to react and give them that rush of power that you’ve been giving them all along and that they crave and can’t seem to get enough of.

Even when you produce evidence to prove your point, you must work to gather that evidence.

Just knowing they have you jumping through hoops to prove yourself is enough to give them the thrills they’re looking for.

So, instead of letting them bait you into a defense, you should be asking yourself,

1. “Who are these morons?

2. “Who are they that I should have to explain anything?”

3. “Since when do I have to explain anything to these jackholes? They don’t pay my bills!”

Understand that you don’t owe these people a damn thing!

I understand that bullies can be intimidating and threatening. It’s hard to resist an explanation when you’re scared to death and not began rattling off an excuse in nervousness, hoping that a reasonable explanation will make the harassment go away. But trust me, it won’t!

It certainly didn’t make things better for me. If anything, it only got worse because my reaction only made me look like an easy target.

But once I realized what they were doing, I began to get bored with them and walk away because their games no longer affected me. The same will be for you too, and you’ll feel much better. And the icing on the cake will be that you’ll take the wind out of the bullies’ sails, and they’ll finally leave you alone.

With knowledge comes empowerment.